Author Topic: Just didnt care - a harsh reality  (Read 9397 times)

Imbue

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Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« on: October 14, 2011, 08:23:22 AM »
Who is this person I see in the mirror?  I have no clue anymore.  Yesterday I attempted to kill myself or basically dull the pain.  I took a lot of pills, all I wanted was to close my eyes and fall into the darkness.  I have NEVER ever felt as if that was my only way out.  I feel so ashamed for even doing it, I hate seeing my family in pain.  Its already bad enough I hurt so much.  Why does it feel as if I have nothing more to give, nothing to look forward to.  I have never felt as if there is nothing more to do here.  I dont even care if I leave my family now.  I am so selfish and feel as if I stop hurting then maybe they will to.  I am frustrated, scared and so lonely.  Why do I have to feel this way and why is it so hard to see any light.  I hate these intrusive thoughts and feelings.  I cant turn them off.  I want to close my eyes without seeing the car accident, seeing my Mike lifeless.  I want to turn it ALL off and I cant.  I hate the fact now that my mom looks at me and I feel even more ashamed.  I cant stand the shame of the whole incident.  I miss Mike so much and I have a gaping whole in my heart.  How does life go on??  I just dont understand this anymore.   

oneangel

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2011, 10:37:26 AM »
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Taking your life is not the answer. Trust me, I have thought about it too, but all we are doing is causing even more pain and hardship to all the people who care for us around us. I know it is difficult to see what is there left to live for after losing someone we love, but although the pain of his loss will always be there, you will learn to live with it and start living again. Does your family know what you tried to do? I hope your harsh reality has awakened you to seek out some support for yourself. Continue posting here and let us know how you are doing, we are here for each other. I lost my husband almost two years ago, my life has been turned upside down, and we have three young children. Even with my kids, I thought about taking my life, thinking my kids would maybe be better off without me instead of a mother who is constantly crying and depressed. It took some time but I have established a routine for us, and now I choose the end of the day, when I am alone in my living room, to cry it out, listen to love songs, or watch home movie of him so I can hear his voice and see his face. I wish and pray that you don't try to take your life away from the people who love you, and instead search for help to start learning how to cope with your grief.
Sending you hugs and love your way and I hope to see your postings soon!

gaberax

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2011, 11:37:49 AM »
Imbue, I have felt as bad as you describe.  Denise had a full bottle of oxycodin when she passed away.  It is still on the bathroom sink.  More than once I have thought about ending the constant emotional pain from Denise's unexpected loss.

You need to seek professional help.  Immediately.  A doctor, a health professional, a suicide prevention hotline, a pastor or minister...someone with suicide prevention training.  Ask them up front if they have suicide prevention training.  Give yourself that chance.

I will say no more (as I am just suffering like you are...not a professional) but try an reach out, as you are doing on this forum, to someone that can actually help you with the suffering. Do it now. Today.

Terry

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2011, 01:23:51 PM »

((((Imbue))))

You're the same person. You're just in a lot of pain. Michael just died 2 months ago and the first year and sometimes two are the most difficult to get through. Who in your family knows? Have you even told anyone? If you feel you can't talk to your family, do you have any close friends that you could confide in?

There's nothing abnormal about wanting the awful pain to stop, but it's the price of loving them. We have to feel everything. I wish there was a way to just turn off the pain, but there is not.

You mentioned the intrusive thoughts and replaying the accident scene over and over again and when closing your eyes, that's all you see: Regarding my eldest son's death and when I reached the ER, I still, after almost nine years have flash backs that bring me to my knees of that awful morning and what my son looked like. I've just learned to live with it by trying to replace that image with one that brings me peace. This took me a lot of time, though.

It couldn't hurt to make an appointment with your family doctor and maybe they can recommend someone for you to talk to. If you didn't want to wait that long, stop by any church and talk to a pastor/priest. There is no shame in wanting the pain to stop and even in taking measures to stop it. We all handle grief differently.

Know we care for you, very much and please know you are not alone in feeling the awful pain. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.

Let us know how you're doing tonight or tomorrow. I'll be looking forward to an update.

Sending hugs and all my understanding,

((((((((IMBUE)))))))

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2011, 02:07:25 PM »
(((Imbue)))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2011, 08:09:18 PM »
((Imbue))

I have been where your at, made several attemps to take my life in the past. And have thought about it alot lately. If I didn't have kids I sure I would have tried again. Seek help asap.

You need to seek professional help.  Immediately.  A doctor, a health professional, a suicide prevention hotline, a pastor or minister...someone with suicide prevention training.  Ask them up front if they have suicide prevention training.  Give yourself that chance.

 I can't say it any better than gaberax.

arthur

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2011, 08:42:42 PM »
Oh Imbue. My heart goes out to you. I have thought many times of taking my life as well. The pain is truly unbearable for you as it is for me.  Please seek some help. You can't do this by yourself. Myself and several other people in this forum have professional help. It is well worth the time..and as I see it it really pays to spend this time and effort to seek one and listen to one and to get some of the pain out and to help you cope with this horrible burden.  Life is meaningless for me as my life stands now. I have nothing to live for, but I am religious and God keeps me going. I don't know where I would be without Him. My family also is important they helped me so much that I doubt that I would have my sanity without them.  I will start to pray for you Imbue. God bless you in your suffering
((((((Imbue)))))))).  I have included the Serenity prayer here in case you may want to use it.  I use it everyday as a guide post to my life.- arthur

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


gaberax

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2011, 09:33:18 PM »
I haven't slept but 3 hours in the last 24 and will soon go to bed but I am thinking about you, Imbue.  I hope you are in a better emotional place.  Would love to see a new post from you. :)  God bless you.  I am praying for you and sending out positive thoughts. (((Imbue)))

jasonkl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2011, 08:37:04 AM »
((Imbue))
 
I hope these messages reach you. I know when I was felling as you are I just need someone to keep talking to me. When I'm really sruggleing I try to rember that she is not going through this pain I'm. I don't want to live for me so I live for her. This at times is the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that she would not want me to give up. Please seek out help. You can get through this. Sometimes you have to take it on second at a time.

oneangel

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2011, 09:39:15 PM »
Thinking of you. Hoping to hear from you soon!

jasonkl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2011, 09:20:55 PM »
Just wanted you to know still thinking of you. Hoping you have found someone to talk too.

Terry

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2011, 09:41:43 AM »

((((Imbue))))

Please touch base and let us know how you're doing. We care and we're all thinking about you.

Lots of Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2011, 10:25:29 AM »
(((Imbue)))

Thinking of you...

Sending love and light.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2011, 09:45:40 PM »
Imbue
 
I can't answer any of the questions you asked, for I still still have the same ones myself. I can share with you my experance. I know what it is like to look at a bottle of pills and not understand why it looks like the best answer to everything. I know the time it takes and all the thought that gos into it before you take the pills. I know feeling of not being able to see any other way out. And the agony and fustration that comes with not being able to find a better answer to the pain.  I know the feelings of shame and guilt after trying and failing, I know these feelings because I'm here writing to you. I know what it's  like not to want to tell anyone that you tryed.  I felt like a failure, like whats wrong with me, am I that bad that I could even get this right. All this did was add to the sorrow I was already feeling.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, If I would have been left alone for more than 10 minutes in the frist 2 weeks after I lost Jen I would not be here now.

I'm hoping your found some help and hoping to her from you soon. My thoughts are with you.

jason
 

jasonkl

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Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2011, 07:37:58 PM »
Imbue

Wanted to share 1 more thing with you. Those desterate and hopeless feelings that I had when I took all those pills did go away with time and help. The shame does too. I didn't want to my last post to be the end of the messages in this topic. I wanted to end on a positive note. Well as positive as any thing on this subject could be.

We are all in this together, none of us are ever trulelly alone. We are bonded  together by our pain and loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

jason