webhealing.com

Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: Imbue on October 14, 2011, 08:23:22 AM

Title: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: Imbue on October 14, 2011, 08:23:22 AM
Who is this person I see in the mirror?  I have no clue anymore.  Yesterday I attempted to kill myself or basically dull the pain.  I took a lot of pills, all I wanted was to close my eyes and fall into the darkness.  I have NEVER ever felt as if that was my only way out.  I feel so ashamed for even doing it, I hate seeing my family in pain.  Its already bad enough I hurt so much.  Why does it feel as if I have nothing more to give, nothing to look forward to.  I have never felt as if there is nothing more to do here.  I dont even care if I leave my family now.  I am so selfish and feel as if I stop hurting then maybe they will to.  I am frustrated, scared and so lonely.  Why do I have to feel this way and why is it so hard to see any light.  I hate these intrusive thoughts and feelings.  I cant turn them off.  I want to close my eyes without seeing the car accident, seeing my Mike lifeless.  I want to turn it ALL off and I cant.  I hate the fact now that my mom looks at me and I feel even more ashamed.  I cant stand the shame of the whole incident.  I miss Mike so much and I have a gaping whole in my heart.  How does life go on??  I just dont understand this anymore.   
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: oneangel on October 14, 2011, 10:37:26 AM
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Taking your life is not the answer. Trust me, I have thought about it too, but all we are doing is causing even more pain and hardship to all the people who care for us around us. I know it is difficult to see what is there left to live for after losing someone we love, but although the pain of his loss will always be there, you will learn to live with it and start living again. Does your family know what you tried to do? I hope your harsh reality has awakened you to seek out some support for yourself. Continue posting here and let us know how you are doing, we are here for each other. I lost my husband almost two years ago, my life has been turned upside down, and we have three young children. Even with my kids, I thought about taking my life, thinking my kids would maybe be better off without me instead of a mother who is constantly crying and depressed. It took some time but I have established a routine for us, and now I choose the end of the day, when I am alone in my living room, to cry it out, listen to love songs, or watch home movie of him so I can hear his voice and see his face. I wish and pray that you don't try to take your life away from the people who love you, and instead search for help to start learning how to cope with your grief.
Sending you hugs and love your way and I hope to see your postings soon!
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: gaberax on October 14, 2011, 11:37:49 AM
Imbue, I have felt as bad as you describe.  Denise had a full bottle of oxycodin when she passed away.  It is still on the bathroom sink.  More than once I have thought about ending the constant emotional pain from Denise's unexpected loss.

You need to seek professional help.  Immediately.  A doctor, a health professional, a suicide prevention hotline, a pastor or minister...someone with suicide prevention training.  Ask them up front if they have suicide prevention training.  Give yourself that chance.

I will say no more (as I am just suffering like you are...not a professional) but try an reach out, as you are doing on this forum, to someone that can actually help you with the suffering. Do it now. Today.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: Terry on October 14, 2011, 01:23:51 PM

((((Imbue))))

You're the same person. You're just in a lot of pain. Michael just died 2 months ago and the first year and sometimes two are the most difficult to get through. Who in your family knows? Have you even told anyone? If you feel you can't talk to your family, do you have any close friends that you could confide in?

There's nothing abnormal about wanting the awful pain to stop, but it's the price of loving them. We have to feel everything. I wish there was a way to just turn off the pain, but there is not.

You mentioned the intrusive thoughts and replaying the accident scene over and over again and when closing your eyes, that's all you see: Regarding my eldest son's death and when I reached the ER, I still, after almost nine years have flash backs that bring me to my knees of that awful morning and what my son looked like. I've just learned to live with it by trying to replace that image with one that brings me peace. This took me a lot of time, though.

It couldn't hurt to make an appointment with your family doctor and maybe they can recommend someone for you to talk to. If you didn't want to wait that long, stop by any church and talk to a pastor/priest. There is no shame in wanting the pain to stop and even in taking measures to stop it. We all handle grief differently.

Know we care for you, very much and please know you are not alone in feeling the awful pain. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.

Let us know how you're doing tonight or tomorrow. I'll be looking forward to an update.

Sending hugs and all my understanding,

((((((((IMBUE)))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 14, 2011, 02:07:25 PM
(((Imbue)))
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 14, 2011, 08:09:18 PM
((Imbue))

I have been where your at, made several attemps to take my life in the past. And have thought about it alot lately. If I didn't have kids I sure I would have tried again. Seek help asap.

You need to seek professional help.  Immediately.  A doctor, a health professional, a suicide prevention hotline, a pastor or minister...someone with suicide prevention training.  Ask them up front if they have suicide prevention training.  Give yourself that chance.

 I can't say it any better than gaberax.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: arthur on October 14, 2011, 08:42:42 PM
Oh Imbue. My heart goes out to you. I have thought many times of taking my life as well. The pain is truly unbearable for you as it is for me.  Please seek some help. You can't do this by yourself. Myself and several other people in this forum have professional help. It is well worth the time..and as I see it it really pays to spend this time and effort to seek one and listen to one and to get some of the pain out and to help you cope with this horrible burden.  Life is meaningless for me as my life stands now. I have nothing to live for, but I am religious and God keeps me going. I don't know where I would be without Him. My family also is important they helped me so much that I doubt that I would have my sanity without them.  I will start to pray for you Imbue. God bless you in your suffering
((((((Imbue)))))))).  I have included the Serenity prayer here in case you may want to use it.  I use it everyday as a guide post to my life.- arthur

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: gaberax on October 14, 2011, 09:33:18 PM
I haven't slept but 3 hours in the last 24 and will soon go to bed but I am thinking about you, Imbue.  I hope you are in a better emotional place.  Would love to see a new post from you. :)  God bless you.  I am praying for you and sending out positive thoughts. (((Imbue)))
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 15, 2011, 08:37:04 AM
((Imbue))
 
I hope these messages reach you. I know when I was felling as you are I just need someone to keep talking to me. When I'm really sruggleing I try to rember that she is not going through this pain I'm. I don't want to live for me so I live for her. This at times is the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that she would not want me to give up. Please seek out help. You can get through this. Sometimes you have to take it on second at a time.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: oneangel on October 15, 2011, 09:39:15 PM
Thinking of you. Hoping to hear from you soon!
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 16, 2011, 09:20:55 PM
Just wanted you to know still thinking of you. Hoping you have found someone to talk too.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: Terry on October 17, 2011, 09:41:43 AM

((((Imbue))))

Please touch base and let us know how you're doing. We care and we're all thinking about you.

Lots of Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 17, 2011, 10:25:29 AM
(((Imbue)))

Thinking of you...

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 17, 2011, 09:45:40 PM
Imbue
 
I can't answer any of the questions you asked, for I still still have the same ones myself. I can share with you my experance. I know what it is like to look at a bottle of pills and not understand why it looks like the best answer to everything. I know the time it takes and all the thought that gos into it before you take the pills. I know feeling of not being able to see any other way out. And the agony and fustration that comes with not being able to find a better answer to the pain.  I know the feelings of shame and guilt after trying and failing, I know these feelings because I'm here writing to you. I know what it's  like not to want to tell anyone that you tryed.  I felt like a failure, like whats wrong with me, am I that bad that I could even get this right. All this did was add to the sorrow I was already feeling.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, If I would have been left alone for more than 10 minutes in the frist 2 weeks after I lost Jen I would not be here now.

I'm hoping your found some help and hoping to her from you soon. My thoughts are with you.

jason
 
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 18, 2011, 07:37:58 PM
Imbue

Wanted to share 1 more thing with you. Those desterate and hopeless feelings that I had when I took all those pills did go away with time and help. The shame does too. I didn't want to my last post to be the end of the messages in this topic. I wanted to end on a positive note. Well as positive as any thing on this subject could be.

We are all in this together, none of us are ever trulelly alone. We are bonded  together by our pain and loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

jason
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 21, 2011, 09:22:44 PM
just wanted to say your still in my thoughs

jason
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 24, 2011, 10:13:02 AM
Mine, too, Imbue. 

Lots of love.
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on October 26, 2011, 06:11:13 AM
Imbue

Hope you are doing better. My thoughts are with you.

jason
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on November 01, 2011, 06:26:05 AM
thinking about you today, just what to say you have not been forgotten.

jason
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: Imbue on November 03, 2011, 07:43:58 AM
THANK YOU ALL, from the bottom of whats left of this broken heart.  Its been a rough few weeks, I have been trying to move forward in more positive directions.  Sometimes I still pray for this misery to stop, but then come to terms that this is not Gods wish at this time.  He wants me here and I have to accept it.  It is what it is.  I really appreciate all of you and want you all to know that we may have lost the ones we love but atleast we have each other on these boards that care and understand the rollercoaster of emotions.  I have learned that a lot of people that have never lost someone dont understand the 'ups and downs'.  I can be fine one minute and then triggered and go into an almost melancholy trance. Most people think that with therapy and drugs everything is supposed to be "normal" again.  I laugh at that word now, what is "normal"?  So I am here and you all are stuck with me until my time comes.  Much love to you all.

((Terry))
((browneyegirl))
((jasonkl))
((oneangel))
((gaberax))
((arthur))

Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts, I heard them. 

Love Imbue
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 03, 2011, 10:04:53 AM
(((Imbue))))

Thank you for posting.  We are all here for you. 

Lots of love
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: gaberax on November 03, 2011, 10:26:14 AM
Imbue,

Thank you for posting.  Glad you take some comfort from the folks here (and other places, I suspect.)  We all understand what you are going through because we are going through it daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, as well.  Take the good and get through the bad the best you can.  Never worry about asking for help.  Everyone needs help. 

Positive is good. Take the emotional waves as they come.  Lean into them.  Get it all out.  Let it go.  Look for the new "normal."  In time it will come.

Everyone here is concerned with your welfare.  If you need help you can always find it here.

Good luck and God bless, kiddo. ;)
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: johnkmurray on November 03, 2011, 02:02:55 PM
  I laugh at that word now, what is "normal"?  So I am here and you all are stuck with me until my time comes.  Much love to you all.

Imbue,

'Normal' is the new reality we are all dealing with now. Those who have not gone through it have no idea. Forgive them their ignorance. Meanwhile we have each other. We all came here seeking help, seeking answers, maybe just seeking a place to scream. None of us wanted to be in the mental and emotional place in which we find ourselves, but I can't think of a better bunch of people to be stuck with. ;-)

John
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: jasonkl on November 03, 2011, 06:18:08 PM
Imbue

Glad to see you post. Our new normal is what we all are looking for now. A new way to live and get by.As others have said please try to forgive the people in your life who don't understand, if they have not expiranced this pain they will not understand I hope they never have to. We are here for each other and I can say I have gotten more support from this broad that any where else.These wonderful have listen to all my crazyness. If you need to talk or scream someone will be hear to listen and scream with you.

jason
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: arthur on November 03, 2011, 10:14:11 PM
I am thanking the Lord for your response Imbue...I am so glad it is filled with acceptance and hope. 6 months after my wife's death I am still going through the weird rollercoaster of emotions you speak of.  Sometimes I get so confused I hardly know what I am feeling. Yes indeed, what is "normal" after what we've been/are going through? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll find out. All I know is that there is no going back to the way I was before. Welcome back Imbue and God bless you, arthur
Title: Re: Just didnt care - a harsh reality
Post by: Terry on November 04, 2011, 08:23:29 PM



Most people think that with therapy and drugs everything is supposed to be "normal" again.  I laugh at that word now, what is "normal"?  So I am here and you all are stuck with me until my time comes. 


(((Imbue)))

Those "Most People" are who I stayed away from early in my grief. Like speaks to like and nothing is more important for our emotional health than surrounding ourselves with those who understand and who care. Grief/pain zaps our energy level and leaves us little on reserve to do much of anything. Ask anyone on this board!! When I would find myself slipping or should I say, sinking fast....I would come on here and pour my heart out. This board was a life line for me.

Thanks so much for touching base. You are loved and cared for and along with everyone else here, I am happy to see you posting. Keep posting and taking it one day at a time, an hour, a minute or a second. That's how we do it!

My Love,
Terry