Maureen

[browneyedgirl]

(((Arthur))))

[arthur]

Man thanks so much for your love and support Terry,Pam and JohnK..you guys don't know how much it means to me.
Take care,arthur

[gaberax]

Arthur,

I am reading your posts and identify with everything you have written, the loss of control at work, the sleeplessness, the depression, some days are worse than others (crying as I write this.)  Just know that there are others like yourself, struggling...hard, to maintain something like a normal life..whatever normal means after you've suffered a loss so deep.  You don't know me from Adam but your words have touched me and I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

[browneyedgirl]

(((Arthur)))

(((Bob)))

[jasonkl]

Arthur

  This mornig was the first time I was able to read through this whole topic. The begin sounds so much like were I am,  I could barely make pass the first couple enter entrees. The latter ones give me hope that the guilt That I still feel wiil someday go away.

[arthur]

I am reluctant to say I just had another rough day.  I thought I had made some progress...I had another flashback again today of Maureen's face when I found her, and I had it again at my desk at work. After I got home and worked on installing  new piece of equipment on my home computer network, I found that I was so focused on the installation that as my mind relaxed from working on my computer, I started crying out "No No" which I had never done before, as I had somehow thought Maureen was in the house while I was working and was shocked "again" to find that she wasn't.  Its like part of my mind still cannot accept that she really died. I guess I am not as healed as I had thought i was.

[jasonkl]

I am right there with you every time I get slow at work I reach for my phone to call her still. When the snow started to fall today I pulled my phone out to call her and as I looked at it the tears started to flow because I realized she was going to answer. If the first snow fall hurts this bad I don't know how I'm going to make it through tne next few months.

Hoping tomarrow will be a better day.

jason

[arthur]

Man I just had another awful day. At church they played "The Servant Song" which made Maureen cry because it reminded her of her father...the song, while it made me anxious for Maureen, never made me cry when she was alive; at church the song almost broke me down, as I found it reminds me so much of Maureen when she cried. I made it through the mass, but afterwards the priest, who has not been very supportive of me since Maureen died and of course didn't know I had struggled through mass, invited me to a memorial prayer service for the dead that was supposed to have happened this afternoon. I know he was expressing his concern for me, but it didn't seem very sincere, especially when he got a pitying look and tone of voice as he talking to me. I knew going to that prayer service would be tough after what I had been through for mass, and I know I should've done it for Maureen, but I didn't go...the pitying look still made me a little ticked off, and I wasn't about to subject myself to further toruture for the day at that damned church.  Hell after all the support we gave the church, and this is how they treat me when Maureen dies. To top off this sucky day, a friend of Maureen calls out of the blue whom I never knew and wanted to talk to Maureen. I had to break the news to her about Maureen's death. The friend was cordial to me, but the call just underscores to me how far I have to go in my grief. Its on days like this that I wonder why I am still alive if life is this miserable.
Thanks Jason for the response, and another thanks to Pam,Terry, JohnK, Gaberax, and all the others who have supported me in one of the worst times of my life.

[johnkmurray]

Cry away Arthur, or scream your pain to the heavens. Bottling it up inside of you only prolongs it, makes it worse. Those who love you will understand. Those who don't, well they don't matter. If all else fails, cry/scream/cuss, or otherwise vent with us here.

John

[Terry]

Oh Arthur,

Ditto to all John just shared with you. You are loved and cared for here, Arthur. We understand.

I'm sorry your day was so "sucky."

Love You Bunches!

[arthur]

Thanks for the responses Johnk & Terry.  I do appreciate all of them even if I don't post something right away.
I visited the graveyard where Maureen is buried to show a friend of hers where the grave was located.  I thought it would be manageable for me as I had done this numerous times already and had come away with a little pain and just a few tears. As I entered the grave yard a funeral was just ending..the pit where the casket was to go in was visible from the road along with the dirt they dug up for it.  It all bought back memories for me of Maureen's funeral; of how I was staring into the pit where Maureen's casket was to go, and how much I wanted to go into it myself to end my life and to be with her. The dirt piles especially bought back to me how I wanted to die that day.  I've been crying all day since the visit to the graveyard..I've never been this upset invisiting her grave before.  Thanks for listening to me , arthur     

[Terry]

(((((Arthur)))))

[jasonkl]

Arthur

It seems we as we go through this journy we come acrooss things we know are going to hurt and then something changes just a little and it brings a new differant wave of grief.

All our coffee mugs are in the same cabinet. My wife bought  a few special halloween ones. I have seen them everyday in the cabinet no real problem. My new daughter wanted hot cocoa one day last week. She always saw my wife use those mugs for that, so she did the same thing.
When I got home from work that night and saw the mug in the dish washer, a wave hit me so hard I though I was going to fall over. It seems no matter what I/we think we can handle if something small changes it makes a new wave.

hang in there hopeing today will be a better day .
jason

[johnkmurray]

Arthur and Jason,

Little things will do that to you on an ongoing basis. At first incidents like this will bring the grief rushing back. It hurts, I know. Eventually, however, these incidents will start to bring back warm, comfortable memories that bring a smile to your face rather than (or sometimes along with) a tear to your eye. Still, I sometimes feel like I should pack up the house and contents, sell the lot, and start fresh in a new home without all of the reminders of what was. That new place would be rather empty and would bring on its own loneliness, but still the idea has occured to me on a couple of occasions. I won't go to that extreme of course! Kit lives on in those memories, in every reminder. Everything she touched in life now serves to preserve her presence even though she is gone. To hide or otherwise get rid of those memories would be like she never existed, and that would be cheating her, me, and all who knew her.

For both of you (and others here) right now those woulds are raw and fresh, so the reminders bring a fresh stab of pain. In time that stab will start to be replaced by a warm glow. Hang in there.

John

[arthur]

I placed a wreath on my wife's grave today.  After I cleared the snow off her grave so I could see the engraved words, I went back into the car and stared at the grave-which is near the road- because it was so cold. As I was praying, I had the radio on playing softly..and a song came on whose name showed on the radio as "Avril 14"...I stared at the song name..I thought it had said "April 14"-the date my wife died-replace the letter p where the letter v is in the song name and it may as well have said that. I started crying after that.  I miss my wife so much.  After today I don't know if I believe in coincidences anymore.
     I put up the 4 foot false xmas tree and decorated it...it took a week but I got it done.  No more xmas decorations this year for me. Getting the tree up was just too hard. Take care all, arthur