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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: arthur on April 30, 2011, 08:05:31 PM

Title: Maureen
Post by: arthur on April 30, 2011, 08:05:31 PM
I keep thinking about what I could have done different to care for my wife who was disabled..what other thing I should have done to help stop maureen's death.  Just when I think that nothing couldhave stopped her massive heart attack..I think..maybe if I did the taxes instead of her...or maybe if I took more time off of work to help her more..or maybe if I was more insistent that she get extra help that day.   Despite the reassurances of my family, who have been wonderful to me since Maureen has died, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent her death, I can't help but think that only if I had been a better husband, or if I got Maureen extra help instead of trying to save money for when she would inevitably go into a nursing home, or if I helped her on the taxes this year instead of letting her do it by herself this year like she had done since we had gotten married so she would'nt have been exhausted, or if i had been more patient with her...the ifs are driving me crazy. I am hanging on a rope above a bottomless pit. I am lost.   I cant sleep right, it seems that I only get to sleep if I cry myself to mental exhaustion, or if I do get to sleep then I thrash around all night long .  My family has bought me grief books but I throw them aside after reading only a few paragraphs.  I am still off work because I break down every few hours, and it has been 2 weeks.  I try to get away from the house where I live, where Maureen died, where photographs of her abound, and it helps to get away for a few hours, but inevitably I have to return and the grief comes back. I feel as if I am walking around with death in my soul.  I want to tear my chest open to get at the gaping wound inside of me.  I sometimes contemplate taking up drinking wine until I'm drunk to get away from the pain for awhile.  And I can't forget that I had promised her father on his deathbed that I would take care of -Maureen while I was dating her, and she dies in my care after we're married . I cant get the memory out of my mind finding her stricken after her major heart attack, eyes half shut and glazed over, her mouth open and spittle coming out.
  God help me.
Arthur.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on May 01, 2011, 07:59:14 AM


(((((((((((Arthur))))))))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: mousewife on May 01, 2011, 09:54:13 PM
Arthur,

I am so sorry you have lost your beloved wife.  What you have described are some of the truly agonizing reactions to loss.  I wish I had some words that would really help lessen your profound pain.  It may help a little to know that everything you are experiencing has been experienced by others who have lost a spouse.  Most of us feel guilt and question if we made the right decisions.  We do the best we can at the time, and that is the most we can expect of ourselves.  We can become very good at torturing ourselves, but I don't think it serves a purpose.

I know how hard it can be to find sleep.  I also know about how powerful the  image of you wife is in your mind.  It is brutal I know, to keep seeing her like this.  I still can easily access the picture of my husband's face as he died.  But over time, it has stopped being intrusive, and now comes only if I choose to remember. 

I am truly sorry that you have to go through these things.  I think it helps to express your feelings with others as you are doing here, and with those who are close to you, if they understand.

If sleep continues to be a problem, you might speak with your doctor about short term use of sleeping pills.  My caution is that once you take them, you may feel it is such a blessing to be knocked out that you will find it very hard to stop using them.  Just something to think about.

Try not to second guess yourself. Review for yourself how much you loved her, the ways that you cared for her, the ways in which your shared life was happy, and listen to those that tell you that you did all you could.  Let the tears come as they will.  Do the best you can to hang in there and get through this unknown territory of "lost" to one day find yourself again.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
 

Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on May 02, 2011, 09:40:17 AM
I feel as if I am walking around with death in my soul.  I want to tear my chest open to get at the gaping wound inside of me.  I sometimes contemplate taking up drinking wine until I'm drunk to get away from the pain for awhile. 

Arthur,

I could have written these exact words a year ago, just a few weeks after my own wife died. Cancer. The initial numbness and shock of losing her gave way to a soul-tearing grief that hurt emotionally and physically. In my own case the anesthetic of choice was scotch. It dulls the pain, briefly, but you'll feel all the worse for it the next day. Still, some nights it was worth it to be able to sleep.

A year later and I can honestly say that the pain has dulled, the bad days are fewer, and my outlook on life has improved. Brother, I wish I could say that you are feeling the worst of it right now, but be aware that it is still early and you may have to endure some worse days until better ones come. They will come. Second-guessing yourself is normal, just don't be too hard on yourself. I don't know why we tend to remember what we could have done better and forget to remind ourselves of what we got right, but that's just the nature of the beast I guess.

I found this forum last summer, just as the grief was at its worst and right about the time I was laid off from my job. The folks here helped me through that time. This is a safe haven  in which to express your feelings on those dark days, or share your good moments. I am heartily sorry that any of us have a need for this, but very grateful that it was here for me when I did need it.

Warmest regards,
John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on May 03, 2011, 10:00:53 PM
Thx for replying Terry,mousewife and johnkmurray. You cannot know what your words mean to me. As you could see, I am still in the "if" stage of the loss of my precious wife Maureen.   Recently I went to a doctor and talked to him about my insomnia, and I told him about my wife's major heart attack and I broke down in front of him and told him if I had done something different that day like stayed home from work because of her extreme weakness( I had to work because I had exhausted my fmla time) then maybe I could have helped her and maybe prevented her heart attack. The doctor looked me straight in the eye and said that in all probability I wouldn't have made any difference. He said that while he didn't know the exact cause of the heart attack, most likely it was caused by "coronary plaque rupture" like most major heart attacks are. He showed me how coronary plaque rupture works, and that even if I was there I couldn't have prevented her heart attack, which was probably made even worse by her weakened condition. He even told me of his experience of failing to save a man who had a major heart attack in a hotel room next to his.  Talking to the doctor really helped me alot,and was a blessing to me in one of the worst times in my life.  Thx again to everyone who has helped me here.-Arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on May 11, 2011, 11:39:50 AM
Arthur ~  how are you doing?
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on May 11, 2011, 06:18:24 PM
Arthur,

I'm so glad that you chose to seek out the doctor for his wisdom regarding those painful 'what if's' that we all have when someone dies. Knowledge is power, always.

Please know that we are here for you in every feeling that you share and you are loved and cared for here. I know how devastating it is to lose the love of your life. Please be patient with yourself and be good to yourself. You deserve that, Arthur. Pay close attention to your health right now; eating well or snacking, drinking plenty of water/fluids and resting even if you are unable to sleep and know that you are not alone. We share your pain.

Sending you a big hug, and sure wish you could feel it!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on May 13, 2011, 09:42:04 PM
browneyed girl and terry- I am doing ok. I am getting through the days of emptiness a little better now. I am in a grief group and with people who have tragedy's like mine and worse than mine. I rejoined my gym to get in better shape like Maureen always wanted me to do. Physical activity seems to help some. I am still involved with Maureens finances and legal stuff trying to get them resolved and I got alot done. I am still having trouble sleeping, and I had to get to a doctor to get some sleeping pills to help with that. I can't get the nightmare of finding Maureen stricken out of my mind..details are coming back to me that I forgot about that night a month ago,and they bring the memory back fresh again.  I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate both of you and everyone on this website in helping me get through one of the worst times of my life.  God Bless you all , Arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on May 17, 2011, 04:47:15 PM
(((arthur))))

Thank you for updating us.

Much love to you.

Pam
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on May 17, 2011, 08:59:42 PM
Arthur - You'll probably replay the things you think you could have done better over and over in your mind. I know I did, and still do. Please try to also remember the things you did right, the smiles you brought to your wife's face, the joy you felt together. You deserve to replay happy scenes now and then.

John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on May 30, 2011, 03:45:46 AM
 Today my family and I went to see my wife's grave for the first time since they placed the headstone. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, until we went out to dinner. While eating and talking to my family I saw a beautiful waitress serving a nearby table. My heart nearly broke again when I saw the woman's beauty, becaause it really hit me hard and bitterly that I would never see my wife's beautiful face and eyes ever again. Death is such a bitter end for love. Though my mind tells me otherwise, I have never seen the future look so black as it does for me now.  It seems every waking moment of my life lately is filled with pain to such a degree that I can do nothing else but focus on it.  My insomnia has been really bad lately & tonite I only got 3 hours of sleep, despite that I am taking sleeping pills proscribed by my doctor. Sometimes I stare at the walls of my room wondering about the future and what I am going to do to stop the pain. Well I am off back to bed again to try and get more sleep.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: allalone on May 31, 2011, 05:29:40 AM
Arthur, I read your post and felt some of your pain, although I know your pain is unique to you. I too lost my husband 3 months ago and there are times I question myself, "What if" although I know I did all that I knew at that time. I miss my husband very much and it is as if my heart is tearing apart. When I cry it is like a never ending stream. I find it difficult to go to sleep and often stay up late and get myself so exhausted that I fall off to sleep.

There are bad days, more bad days and then some good days. Initially there were more bad bad days and now more good days but then suddenly when you least expect us the bad days returns. I have been reading a lot of grief books and all state this is how grief works, so I am being gentle on myself, and  taking one day at a time.

I hope you are able to get some sleep and that you start to feel better. I read that grief is like a valley which you have to cross to reach the other side. One day you will get there.

May you be comforted and may God Bless you

Allalone
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on June 03, 2011, 07:35:55 PM
I just had an awful day. Maureen had some savings bonds that I had to cash in that were left to her by her parents. As I stared at the bonds today, I saw the dreams that her father and mother had had for her.  They had saved hard for her all too probable fate that would end up in a nursing home, but most importantly they had saved for her happiness. Maureen always talked about her childhood memories of her father who had died while we were dating back in the 1990's. The saving bonds had reminded me of the promise I made to him while he was dying, that I would take care of Maureen and her mother. I had to goto work after this so at work it was a struggle to hold back the tears at times. I couldn't forget Maureen's father, Maureen's loving words about her childhood with him, and the promise I made to him. I tried so hard to take of her.  After I got home, I wept so hard for all the lost dreams of Maureen and the future her parents had saved for her.  If I could've given my life for Maureen I would've to save her. the only solace I have is that she is far happier now than she ever was in her wheelchair, and that she is with her dear father. 
 
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on June 09, 2011, 03:50:47 PM
(((arthur))))

Sending you lots of love and peace.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Lew on June 13, 2011, 04:38:18 PM
Arthur...Keep hanging in there....I share your feelings..I see something that Linda wanted me to do, and I never got the chance, and feel so bad I didn't have the time...I am really trying to see her in a bright moment, laughing, and happy...that makes me feel better..and I truly believe we will be united again....when you have a soulmate, who is your whole life, the loss cannot be put into words, but remember...she would want you to be strong, and keep her memories in your heart...I am trying so hard to do that.....God Bless you....Lew
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Tinabeth on June 14, 2011, 07:15:57 AM
((Hugs))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on June 15, 2011, 07:24:02 AM
Lew and Arthur,

It is too easy for us to dwell on the unfulfilled dreams, the things left undone, or the moments when we were less than perfect husbands. I know only too well. Please try also to remember the moments of joy, the special times, and the good memories.

John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on June 16, 2011, 11:37:40 PM
(((((((Arthur)))))))

I know how hard it is when we are stopped in our tracks by those memories. Finding old pictures, letters, ticket stubs, well just about anything....please know I understand. You have my heart, Arthur.

Pain and love go hand in hand. Go heart in heart. It seems we cannot have one without the other. And, grief is a long process. Working through it all is so unique for each one of us. Please be ever so patient with yourself and know that anything you're feeling is ok.

Holding you close.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on June 16, 2011, 11:45:39 PM

John...I always enjoy reading your posts! Has it been a year already? So hard to believe.

Nice post, by the way to Arthur on May 2nd. You are a very compassionate soul and your heart lays open for all to see. Awesome!

(((((((((((((John))))))))))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on June 25, 2011, 10:10:30 PM
Thanks Terry for the kind comments. Yes, almost a year since I my bereavement counselor recommended WebHealing to me and over a year since losing Kit.

John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on June 27, 2011, 09:11:22 AM
((((John)))))

(((Arthur))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on July 02, 2011, 10:43:16 PM
Thanks for the support Terry, browneyedgirl, & johnkmurray.   Its always good to know I can express myself in this forum at a time when so much hope has vanished my life.  I've recently returned from vacation with some of my family to a popular tourist destination.  It felt good to getaway from work and get out of the house where all of Maureen's stuff is still at. However I had to suppress my grief in the prescene of my family while we were in public much of the time. The last time I was at our vacation place was with Maureen and some of the memories were still fresh.  ALthough I managed to go off by myself away from my family and public scrutiny some of the time I found myself looking foward to getting back home when I could let the tears flow freely. So I am home, alone, surrounded by Maurreens things again, staring at the walls and crying whenever I need to. The ironic thing is now I wish I was back on vacation traveling with my famly again.   God I hope Maureen is happy where she is at. I miss her so much. I don't know if I'll ever feel as if my house is a home ever again without her.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on July 08, 2011, 01:39:09 PM
Arthur ~ thanks for sharing.  We are always here to listen. 

I, too, hope Maureen, along with with my brother are happy......I often wonder.  Everyone always says "they're in a better place"....sometimes I get sick of hearing that. 
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on July 18, 2011, 09:18:50 PM
I know that my sweet honey is being taken care of and that she has to suffer her disability no more. Thus when people say things like God will look after her and the words sound trite for the time, and place and tone they are said, I know in secret that the words are anything but trite, they are the truth,despite the circumstances the words are said in.  Its the words themselves, not the speaker, that is important, becasue of the truth they contain.

God I miss my honey so much, so very much. I still have trouble believeing she is gone and is not coming back.
Thanks everyone for being so kind to me in these posts.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on July 19, 2011, 10:33:04 AM


((((((Arthur))))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 02, 2011, 11:47:03 AM
Arthur ~ how are you?  Please update us if you like.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on August 03, 2011, 11:12:34 PM
Hi Browneyedgirl...Thanks for your concern.  I often wanted to say how grateful I am to you, Terry,JohnK, and the entire website for allowing me to come on and vent all the terrible things that I feel as a result of my wife's death.
You guys are saints for what you do.

I am going to a therapist  currently and she is concerned that I am emotionally depressed. I guess I am not taking care of myself enough. SHe wants to give me a behaviorial drug to help with the depression. I don't want to do this, and my family doesn't want me to either. I told her that sometimes I feel like I am dying inside,and while I am not suicidal, she said that unless I quit spending time by myself on weekends, she will continue to recommend the drug. She said that it will help me sleep a full night, which I cannot do consistently even with the sleeping pills I am still taking. She wants me to make sure I spend time with my family on weekends, & I agreed to do this, as I have been spending the last month on the weekends by myself.   I am still going to grief groups and they are a big help. I can't seem to get to one very consistently though because of my work hours. and schedule, but I am still trying. 
Time sure seems to drag since Maureen died, and the weekends and days away from work all seem like an eternity
when I am by myself. I finally packed away the little wedding "shrine" my wife kept of our wedding in our living room.
I wrapped the wedding candle, pictures and other momentos in newspaper & packed them away as they were too painful to look at anymore. Is this progress? I dont know. I still go to her grave every weekend and change the flowers,
and it seems to help some, even though it is still painful but I have mixed feeling about this too.
Again, thanks for all the help -
Arthur



 
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 04, 2011, 08:46:23 AM
Hi Arthur ~ Thanks for posting.

If you don't want to take the pills, don't do it.  You know your body and mind better than anyone......They tried to give my mother pills after my brother died, and she didn't want them, and they ended up making her feel worse, granted that was her, but I am just saying......

Progress?  Maybe, but if it hurt to look at it, then you did the right thing.  I am glad to hear that you're making it to the grief groups, and if alone time is what you need, then I think that's okay, just not too much :)

Sending you love and light.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on August 12, 2011, 09:43:46 PM
I just had to post about the day I had today.  I had prayed about whether to take the anti depression meds my doctor gave me and my heart was set against it..until today.  I was sitting at my desk working and thinking of Maureen and I had I guess what could be called a grief attack.  I just started feeling so awful that I felt as if my mind was falling apart. It felt like I was about to die. After struggling to control the emotions and working I was so drained for the rest of the day that I kept making dumb mistakes in my work.  It truly was one of the worst days I've had since Maureen's death. I thought about the intensity of the grief and how sudden it happened, and I thought, well there's my answer to my prayer. So I am on the depresssion pills much to my chagrin.  I just hope I'm doing the right thing.  I've never been on these meds in my life.  I usually go to the gym or go for a quick walk to deal with bad grief days, but today was one of the worst times I've had with my grief, and I can't ignore it any longer, especially since they seem to be getting worse.  I sincerely hope that the next hell day is far off for me.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on August 13, 2011, 11:59:03 AM

I'm sorry, Arthur. Grief attacks or grief bursts/panic attacks as I also call them can come out of nowhere and while just thinking of them and they can be very frightening. Maybe give the meds a chance if that's what your doctor suggested. Time will prove if they are the right choice but they 'do' take time to get into your system. How much time? That varies with the individual.

Know you are loved and cared for here.

Sending a hug ((((((((Arthur)))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 18, 2011, 09:21:22 AM
Arthur ~ how are you, my friend?
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on August 21, 2011, 08:01:00 PM
Hi browneyedgirl..I am doing better. Thanks for your concern. I tried taking the depression meds they gave me and they made me nauseous, so I couldnt take them anymore. I am attending a new grief group and it is working out well..I have made a new friend who has the same situation as mine. I still have trouble sleeping, panic attacks on waking and nightmares cause me to lose alot of rest at night. I am still using my old sleeping meds, and still working out and walking to help me with the grief.  I am trying to be more with people instead of sitting by my myself all weekend in the house. But I guess is what is more important is the lack of feeling I'm about to die in the last few weeks. That has to be an improvement.  Also I attended a highschool reunion recently and the husband of one of my highschool friends was a minister who counseled me on my grief and helped me tremendously.
Again, thanks for your concern. Take care, arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 22, 2011, 11:53:09 AM
Arthur ~ thank you so much for the update.......I was uplifted by your post, lots of positive things in this post.

Keep up the good "work" :)

Lots of love,
Pam
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on August 30, 2011, 08:36:22 PM
083011 was Maureen's B-day, and its the 1st important date I've had to face since her death. The last 2 days leading up to this one were actually worse than the B-day itself.  I had some flashbacks of her death coming home from a friends house after my fantasy football draft. WHile I wasn't actually thinking of her B-day the date was looming in my mind and as I was at the draft party I could feel the pain and loss building up, until it got so bad I knew I had to leave my friends house to break down in private. As I was driving home the flashbacks started,and I wept my head off when I got home. The next day at work was very difficult as well, and I had to hold in the tears so much as I was working that I was drained by the end of my shift. Today on 083011 the day actually didn't go as bad as I had thougt it would..
I didn't have to work so hard to keep the tears back while I was working. I actually got a card in the mail from one of her best friends saying that I was not forgotten on her birthday.  I also went out to dinner with a member of Maureen's family who was close to her,  to remember Maureen and share grief on this night. It wasn't easy but it sure beat spending time alone by myself in the house on her b-day.  I hope everyone is doing well, Take care, arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 31, 2011, 09:22:52 AM
Hi Arthur ~

Happy heavenly birthday to your Maureen (((((Artur)))).

Thank you for posting.  These days are the hardest - funny, I find myself focusing more on the days leading up to the date, rather than the date itself. 

Lots of love and hugs.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on September 12, 2011, 06:13:54 AM
I just have to post because I've had a very rough day. I went to my grief group on 091111 and I couldnt express myself because 1-2 people dominated the group with their troubles. I'm went to the church where my wife was buried before that, and that dragged me down as it always does as the memories of her funeral came back. Anyhow the grief built up all day until it was driving me crazy so I went for a long power walk. I saw a young woman with her daughter in a power wheelchair, the same kind my wife used when she was alive and that really hurt. After I got home I couldn't stop the tears and the grief coninues this morning and I have to goto work.  I also got a call from one of my wife's relatives who was very supportive of me at the time of her death, and this is the 1st I've heard from in in 4 months. He talked very formal over the phone and although he did ask how I was doing, very little of the
care he had shown previously was evident in the conversation. I told him I was fine. I just thought well where have you been?
If you really cared couldn't you have phoned just once in 4 months? Anyhow I have to goto work so please pray for me I need them so bad now. I can't get the image of that little girl in the wheelchair out of my mind.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on September 12, 2011, 06:21:51 AM

I'm sorry about the disappointment you heard in the words of your friend in that phone conversation. I don't think it's so much that they 'forget' rather their lives have not been deeply affected and are continuing whereas ours has seemed, at times to come to an abrupt halt. But, I understand that it hurts.

Yes, I will keep you in my prayers and my cyber hugs are covering you today with so much love, Arthur.

((((((((((Arthur))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on September 12, 2011, 01:17:52 PM
Ah, Arthur, my friend, I am so sorry. 

You are in my prayers, please come back soon and let us know how you are doing.

Lots of love.

Pam
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on September 13, 2011, 08:15:01 PM
Hi Pam and Terry thank you both for your supportive replies. Seeing that little girl in a wheelchair was tough. It reminded me so much of Maureen, the way the chair moved when it turned, the way they abruptly stop with a small jerking motion after moving around. I am so glad that Maureen doesn't have to be in one those things again, that she doesn't have to suffer her disability ever again. I am praying for the little girl and her mother who live nearby me for their well being and protection.
     My doctor tried to put me on prozac and while that didn't make me sick it made me sleep all day, so again these behavioral drugs aren't for me and I think I'll refuse the next concoction the doctor offers me as well. I am having a little difficulty with my grief group but nothing as bad as the last one. I guess I shouldn't expect anything out of anyone and I'll be ok, which isn't a bad idea considering how the people I can relate to the most are also suffering alot.  I think I'll feel better if I participated a little less in the grief group and start to spend more time with my family.  I took my wedding ring off and put it away due to a dream i had about Maureen. I dreamt that she said she was coming back home again and had been off visiting a contest of some sort. I was overjoyed in the dream, but even in this dream I realized that Maureen is not really coming back. The very next thing I dream is being in a party and people serving me cake and delicious chinese food and celebrating. When I woke up I realized that the time had come for me to remove the ring and put it away, and to begin my new life without the wedding ring and Maureen.
Its strange how powerful dreams can be.  I also gave Maureen's wedding dress away to a close friend of hers for her friend's daughter, which was difficult.
     Thanks again for your care on this website, Terry and Pam. It is so very much appreciated.  God bless you,
arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on September 13, 2011, 09:28:02 PM

I agree that dreams can be powerful. And I imagine it was very difficult passing on Maureen's wedding gown, but what a nice thing to do, Arthur!! An amazing step!!

Hugs!
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on September 14, 2011, 09:36:09 AM
Arthur ~  thank you for posting. 

Yes, I agree, you have made 2 giant steps, I know that had to be hard for you, but you seem to know what is best.  And I also agree, if you don't care for the drugs they are giving you - don't take them.  They're not for everyone. 

Lots of love and hugs.

PS  I love Chiense food, too!  :)   Ha!

Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on October 03, 2011, 07:29:15 PM
I just had another bad day at work..I just wanted to give up and got so tired of holding the pain in while at work. I broke down for the 1st time in front of my co workers..they bought me a haloween decoration for my desk as I usually put up a pumpkin or something every year but I just didn't feel like doing that this year. I was barely hanging on to control when they gifted me and I lost it when I got the gift. Afterward I had another flashback of finding Maureen almost dead from the heart attack, again at my desk..for a split second I was really there again seeing her stricken face. I hadn't had one of these for over 30 something days and I finally thought I was over these. I guess I'm not. I was supposed to go to a grief group social function tonight but I backed out at the last minute because I was just hurting inside too much to have to force myself to socialize. Its the second or 3rd time I had done this with this particular function and now I wonder if others are going to start questioning me about it.  My doctor gave up trying to give me behavioral meds for my depression..he thinks my current way of dealing with it by exercising and seeing the therapist is getting me through the depression. I thought this was good news..but after today I'm not so sure.
I hope you are doing well Pam and Terry, arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on October 03, 2011, 11:38:38 PM

Arthur,

Those flashbacks/images that are etched in our brains can be haunting for a long time. I'm sorry.

My doctor gave up trying to give me behavioral meds for my depression..he thinks my current way of dealing with it by exercising and seeing the therapist is getting me through the depression. I thought this was good news..but after today I'm not so sure

Good for you, Arthur for staying physical as it's not always easy. Remember, two steps back and one forward sometimes, but that's Ok. When we least expect it, we're thrown a curve ball and in time, we just learn how to dodge them better.

Thanks for sharing.

Hugs!
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on October 04, 2011, 03:34:36 AM
Arthur,

I just want to say I understand, I posted my nightmare a few days ago. Every time I go to bed I relive the night I found my wife. Some nights I just don't go to bed to avoid the vision. I still struggle at work, I usually go to the bathroom at least 2 times to cry while at work.  I don't have any advice,  I just want you to know you are not alone and that sharing your experience help me not to feel so alone in dealing with my nightmare.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on October 04, 2011, 10:58:24 AM
Arthur,

Hang in there brother. I still get those 'flashbacks' that hit you mentally and emotionally ,seemingly from out of nowhere. Mercifully it is usually when I am alone. It will happen less frequently and you'll handle them better as time goes on.

John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 04, 2011, 11:11:02 AM
(((Arthur))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on October 05, 2011, 09:47:10 PM
Man thanks so much for your love and support Terry,Pam and JohnK..you guys don't know how much it means to me.
Take care,arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: gaberax on October 09, 2011, 07:33:37 PM
Arthur,

I am reading your posts and identify with everything you have written, the loss of control at work, the sleeplessness, the depression, some days are worse than others (crying as I write this.)  Just know that there are others like yourself, struggling...hard, to maintain something like a normal life..whatever normal means after you've suffered a loss so deep.  You don't know me from Adam but your words have touched me and I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 11, 2011, 08:42:05 AM
(((Arthur)))

(((Bob)))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on October 12, 2011, 05:24:09 AM
Arthur

  This mornig was the first time I was able to read through this whole topic. The begin sounds so much like were I am,  I could barely make pass the first couple enter entrees. The latter ones give me hope that the guilt That I still feel wiil someday go away.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on October 29, 2011, 09:22:16 PM
I am reluctant to say I just had another rough day.  I thought I had made some progress...I had another flashback again today of Maureen's face when I found her, and I had it again at my desk at work. After I got home and worked on installing  new piece of equipment on my home computer network, I found that I was so focused on the installation that as my mind relaxed from working on my computer, I started crying out "No No" which I had never done before, as I had somehow thought Maureen was in the house while I was working and was shocked "again" to find that she wasn't.  Its like part of my mind still cannot accept that she really died. I guess I am not as healed as I had thought i was.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on October 29, 2011, 10:04:03 PM
Quote from: arthur link=topic=6802.msg51872#msg51872 date=1319948536 Its like part of my mind still cannot accept that she really died. 
[/quote

I am right there with you every time I get slow at work I reach for my phone to call her still. When the snow started to fall today I pulled my phone out to call her and as I looked at it the tears started to flow because I realized she was going to answer. If the first snow fall hurts this bad I don't know how I'm going to make it through tne next few months.

Hoping tomarrow will be a better day.

jason
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on October 30, 2011, 07:31:54 PM
Man I just had another awful day. At church they played "The Servant Song" which made Maureen cry because it reminded her of her father...the song, while it made me anxious for Maureen, never made me cry when she was alive; at church the song almost broke me down, as I found it reminds me so much of Maureen when she cried. I made it through the mass, but afterwards the priest, who has not been very supportive of me since Maureen died and of course didn't know I had struggled through mass, invited me to a memorial prayer service for the dead that was supposed to have happened this afternoon. I know he was expressing his concern for me, but it didn't seem very sincere, especially when he got a pitying look and tone of voice as he talking to me. I knew going to that prayer service would be tough after what I had been through for mass, and I know I should've done it for Maureen, but I didn't go...the pitying look still made me a little ticked off, and I wasn't about to subject myself to further toruture for the day at that damned church.  Hell after all the support we gave the church, and this is how they treat me when Maureen dies. To top off this sucky day, a friend of Maureen calls out of the blue whom I never knew and wanted to talk to Maureen. I had to break the news to her about Maureen's death. The friend was cordial to me, but the call just underscores to me how far I have to go in my grief. Its on days like this that I wonder why I am still alive if life is this miserable.
Thanks Jason for the response, and another thanks to Pam,Terry, JohnK, Gaberax, and all the others who have supported me in one of the worst times of my life.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on October 31, 2011, 03:45:53 PM
Cry away Arthur, or scream your pain to the heavens. Bottling it up inside of you only prolongs it, makes it worse. Those who love you will understand. Those who don't, well they don't matter. If all else fails, cry/scream/cuss, or otherwise vent with us here.

John
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on October 31, 2011, 04:34:17 PM

Oh Arthur,

Ditto to all John just shared with you. You are loved and cared for here, Arthur. We understand.

I'm sorry your day was so "sucky."

Love You Bunches!
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on November 05, 2011, 10:41:01 PM
Thanks for the responses Johnk & Terry.  I do appreciate all of them even if I don't post something right away.
I visited the graveyard where Maureen is buried to show a friend of hers where the grave was located.  I thought it would be manageable for me as I had done this numerous times already and had come away with a little pain and just a few tears. As I entered the grave yard a funeral was just ending..the pit where the casket was to go in was visible from the road along with the dirt they dug up for it.  It all bought back memories for me of Maureen's funeral; of how I was staring into the pit where Maureen's casket was to go, and how much I wanted to go into it myself to end my life and to be with her. The dirt piles especially bought back to me how I wanted to die that day.  I've been crying all day since the visit to the graveyard..I've never been this upset invisiting her grave before.  Thanks for listening to me , arthur     

Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on November 05, 2011, 11:47:28 PM

(((((Arthur)))))
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on November 06, 2011, 05:15:52 AM
Arthur

It seems we as we go through this journy we come acrooss things we know are going to hurt and then something changes just a little and it brings a new differant wave of grief.

All our coffee mugs are in the same cabinet. My wife bought  a few special halloween ones. I have seen them everyday in the cabinet no real problem. My new daughter wanted hot cocoa one day last week. She always saw my wife use those mugs for that, so she did the same thing.
When I got home from work that night and saw the mug in the dish washer, a wave hit me so hard I though I was going to fall over. It seems no matter what I/we think we can handle if something small changes it makes a new wave.

hang in there hopeing today will be a better day .
jason
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: johnkmurray on November 06, 2011, 01:14:16 PM
Arthur and Jason,

Little things will do that to you on an ongoing basis. At first incidents like this will bring the grief rushing back. It hurts, I know. Eventually, however, these incidents will start to bring back warm, comfortable memories that bring a smile to your face rather than (or sometimes along with) a tear to your eye. Still, I sometimes feel like I should pack up the house and contents, sell the lot, and start fresh in a new home without all of the reminders of what was. That new place would be rather empty and would bring on its own loneliness, but still the idea has occured to me on a couple of occasions. I won't go to that extreme of course! Kit lives on in those memories, in every reminder. Everything she touched in life now serves to preserve her presence even though she is gone. To hide or otherwise get rid of those memories would be like she never existed, and that would be cheating her, me, and all who knew her.

For both of you (and others here) right now those woulds are raw and fresh, so the reminders bring a fresh stab of pain. In time that stab will start to be replaced by a warm glow. Hang in there.

John

Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on December 05, 2011, 09:29:03 PM
I placed a wreath on my wife's grave today.  After I cleared the snow off her grave so I could see the engraved words, I went back into the car and stared at the grave-which is near the road- because it was so cold. As I was praying, I had the radio on playing softly..and a song came on whose name showed on the radio as "Avril 14"...I stared at the song name..I thought it had said "April 14"-the date my wife died-replace the letter p where the letter v is in the song name and it may as well have said that. I started crying after that.  I miss my wife so much.  After today I don't know if I believe in coincidences anymore.
     I put up the 4 foot false xmas tree and decorated it...it took a week but I got it done.  No more xmas decorations this year for me. Getting the tree up was just too hard. Take care all, arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on December 05, 2011, 11:59:41 PM
(((Arthur))

I wish I knew words that could ease your pain. I search my mind, but I can find none. I do not beleive I have had the reallity of the coming holiday hit me yet. No decortations up right now and I have managed not to have to spend to much time in any store. No tv, no radio, no holiday ads. My kids are acting like fools so their drama is keeping my mind busy. My mind know it coming, my heart is avoiding it.

Hoping tomarrow will be a better day
Jason
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: gaberax on December 06, 2011, 07:45:37 AM
(((Arthur)))

I am not doing any decorations this year, despite everyone's protests.  Just too hard.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: DaveB on December 06, 2011, 09:05:06 AM
I've had a real tough time the last few days too. Maybe because of the one year anniversary of Judy's passing, maybe because of the holidays coming up. I spent most of yesterday at my desk trying not to break down. Haven't done that in a while. No Christmas decorations this year at my place. My son and I did put some up last year, because it was so soon after Judy's passing, we needed to pretend like she was still there. This year I just have no spirit. My son hasn't told me what he wants to do yet, if he wants to put some up I suppose we will, but my heart isn't in it.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on January 26, 2012, 11:03:11 PM
I had a dr appointment today with my cardiac specialist(I have a history of heart trouble.)
He knew Maureen very well.. he wondered where she was..I had to explain to him what happened.  In an instant I was weeping...I thought I had more control than this..I was certainly not upset b4 the appointment. After hearing my explanation..he said he thought he knew more precisely what caused Maureen's heart attack. He said most of the wheelchair patients he has who have had heart attacks had blood clots traveling from their leg to their heart, although in Maureen's case that knowledge wouldn't have helped her at all due to the duration of time between the initial heart attack and the time I found her. Needless to say, the pain that the doctors information bought up makes me too aware of how much I still need and miss Maureen.  After the appointment the doctor had one of his nurses who had experience in grief come in and talk to me about my grief..it was a very kind gesture that was totally unexpected.  The nurse's words sure helped. But God I miss my wife so much. I need her so much still. Thanks for hearing my words. arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: jasonkl on January 26, 2012, 11:39:08 PM
Arthur

I'm sorry for your pain today. It seems these moments keep coming up when we least expect them.

Praying for the day that when someone asks about your wife, it  will bring a smile to your face, and warmth in your heart.

Jason
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: browneyedgirl on January 27, 2012, 09:29:53 AM
(((((((((((arthur)))))))))))

Oh my friend, it seems like the hits just keep on coming for you.  I am so sorry.

Thinking of you and holding you in my heart. 

lots of love.
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: angie on January 27, 2012, 05:39:28 PM
     (((((((((((((((( ARTHUR ))))))))))))))))))

   I wish I could offer words to comfort you or give you good advice or even wise words of wisdom but i cant(kind of makes me feel useless cos i cant reach out and help others the way evryone on here helps me).Please know Im holding you close to my heart.
          THINKING OF YOU

            love Angie xxxx
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: arthur on January 28, 2012, 11:04:49 AM
Thanks Jason,Pam,Angie for the kind words. They really help me alot..your words allow me to know that I am not so alone as it seems sometimes to me. Again, Thanks! -arthur
Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: sonya on January 30, 2012, 05:40:03 AM
((((((((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))))))

I hear how much you love and miss her in these posts. I wish i could be there to support you, your doctor and nurse sound like amazing people and although it sounds tremendously hard to have had to explain what happened, it gave you the opportunity to get advice from the nurse.

Take care,

hugs

Son

Title: Re: Maureen
Post by: Terry on January 31, 2012, 09:39:24 AM

Hi guys,

Feel free to start a NEW TOPIC as when the post counts reach this high, there is always the concern that certain topics/members needs can get overlooked and the reason we're going to retire this thread. All posts deserve individual attention in order for everyone to be receiving support.

See my original post regarding this concern: http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7061.0.html (http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7061.0.html)

Thanks,
Terry

This thread is locked.