How Long Does It Take???

[amy]

I am only seven months into my grief, but it seems as though some of you are further on than me.
I just wanted some points of view from those of you, who have been going through this grief process for some time.
I am stilly finding it extremely hard to even get through each day. I find myself getting up in the morning, to fill my day full of stuff that doesnt really matter just until its time to go to bed and then do the same all over again.
Everything seems so pointless, and to thimk to far ahead just causes more pain and is very daunting to think i could still be feeling like this in another year or two.
I wish someone could turn rounfd and say, "right when you hit 14 motnhs you wil be ok and be able to move and have a life again" but thats not going to happen is it?
I am told that acceptence is the key and that is something that i am finding so hard to do, cause if i actually accept that hes gone and there is no way he can come back, that there is nothing i can do to go back and change things, then that means i have to accept my fate of a life alone, a life with out my soulmate, and what kind of life will that be??

[Irene]

Hi Amy,
   If I could tell you, how long it would take for you to work through your grief, I would.
From my own personal experience, the first year, and first 6 months in particular were extremely difficult; the hardest thing that I have ever faced. I don't know of any way of eventually making it easier, than facing the grief and working through it. There will be a day when this is easier for you, and some days that are less difficult than others, but I can't say when that will be.
   I know that when my mother died suddenly two years ago, I didn't think that there was a possible way of making it through the pain and still standing today. I also didn't think that I would be able to let go of the frustration, anger, that even though she had been under a regular doctor's care, she had been misdiagnosed and ended up dying as a result.
   I think that writing things down here, and just talking about it, will help you to work things through. Acceptance is the key, that's correct, but that doesn't have a magic time line of being done in 7 months or any specific time period. My friends would always say, when my thoughts were full of despair, to just take one day at a time, and if that was too much, then just one minute at a time, not thinking about   the long term ahead, but just getting through each day. My thoughts are with you, but please know that we will be here to listen.     

[Lta26]

Hi Amy,

My name is Amy as well.  I'm sorry for your loss.  It has been 2 years and 3 months (on the 6th) that I lost my husband.  There is no magic date that makes everything ok all of a sudden.  I wish there was.  It does get better, but there are still days that will push you down again.  I find myself torn between wanting to have a life again and still accepting that my old life is gone. I usually feel better once the weather gets nice.  This year however, I'm noticing all the families doing things with there kids outside.  I so miss those days.  It's strange how on certain days the smallest things can make your chest heavy again.     I'm still sticking with the moto "One day at a time"  I know right now it does not seem it, but it will get better.  I don't think it'll ever go away, but I'm choosing to see that as Dave always being apart of me.  I'm sorry this is choppy, I'm really tired.  I'm having trouble sleeping lately. This site has been great too.  I don't post as much as I used to but, it helps to see your not alone.
Take care,
Amy E.

[amy]

Hi.

Thanks for your replys.

I am sure that you are both right. I know that there is no set time scale, i think I was just hoping that someone would say " after 14 months I was able to live my life again" but I know that is a pretty ridiculous expectation!

I wish that I could get some sort of closure the perfect senario would be someone coming to me and explaining why and how this all worked saying something like "Right Amy this is why he had to die, this is what happens when you die, he is always with you, he can see and hear you and watches over you and there will come a time when he will give you someone to look after you in this life until it is your turn to cross over at which point he will be there waiting for you and you will be whole once more" again a completely ridiculous and irrational concept but yet this still doesnt stop me from thinking these things.

Somedays I think "well maybe one day we will have time machines and I will be able to go back and stop all this from ever happening!" all these thoughts are so far fectched and yet they still pop into my head.

I hope there will come a time maybe all this will make sense to me, or maybe that will never happen. I think the worst part is the not knowing, not knowing why he died, not knowing what happens to him after he dies, not knowing if there will come a day when we are together again, not knowing what will happen to me now, just question after question that nobody has the answers to.

Thanks again for your replys they do help.

Amy

[Lta26]

Hi Amy,
I just wanted to let you know that those thoughts are not ridiculous.  I choose to believe that Dave can see me and the boys and that he does watch over us.  I don't know why he had to die so soon.  I don't think I'll ever get that.  But there must be a reasone I have to be here without him.  I guess only time will tell that one.  I do know that I would never change any of the time I did spend with him.  They were the best.  I like the lyrics to this song "Life ain't always beautiful"  I'm not much for country, but when I heard it.  I got it.  I also choose to believe that when it is my turn to go, that Dave will be there waiting for me.  I don't know if I'm right or not, but it's what I need to believe in order to keep going.
I'm inserting the lyrics to the song I mentioned.  Hope it helps.
Amy E.
This is sang by Garry Allan:
Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

[laurenE]

Lta26,

Wow,  what an awesomly powerful song!  Thank you for the lyrics.   I need to find this song and listen sometime.

Amy,

Its been 4 yrs since mom died and I dont have very many answers either.  But one thing that did comfort me through it all is a verse found in the bible.   I dont know what your faith walk is like,   and please forgive me if I offend you here by mentioning it.   But I found it so helpful to me that I do want to take that chance and share it with you in hopes that it will also bring you comfort.   

Its Psalm 139:16  "All the days ordained for you were written in your word, before one of them came to be."

What that is saying is that God plans how long we are to live on this earth before we are even born.   Accidents are really not accidents in God's eyes.  He took our loved one on the day He designated.     Why?  We may be able to speculate some answers here on earth,   but I dont think any of us can ever think like God, so we will never truely know Gods reasons until we get there too.

Perhaps this brings up many more questions for you and I encourage you to seek those answers.  It is when we seek, that we find. 

I dont know why God took my dad when I was 12 and my sister was 3,  but I trust that He knows what He is doing (afterall,  He did create this place).     I dont know why God took my mom when I was 35 ,  suddenly, without a good bye and without closure on a difficult relationship,   but I'm not an all knowing God so again,  I will trust that He knows whats best for us.     

Faith is hard sometimes ...and really painful.   

As for my grief.... I found it most painful the first yr and a half,  on a daily basis.   I remember the first 2 anniversary dates were painful  but after that,  the pain became less intense.      Every grief is different bc we are all different with differnt baggage and circumstances.     I didnt tell you about my grief experience so that you would beat yourself up if it doesnt fit mine.   Please dont.    But just know that the pain does get less intense and the painful days become fewer and further between.       

 There is light at the end of the tunnel.     There is hope.  So hang in there and keep writing.

hugs,
lauren

[amy]

Lta26

The words to that song are so apt thank you.

[amy]

Lauren E

Thank you for your reply, no you havent offended me but i must admitt i have never been particularly religious which isnt really a good thing.

My luke however was religious and his favourite saying was "only god will judge me". We had many discussions on God but it was always something that we agreed to disagree on.

I have always found it difficult to believe even since a child, i just cant get my head round making the world in seven days, and some of the other stuff that is written. I do believe in something but the bible is just too much for me to grasp.

My belief has always been that religion was created to give people hope and help them through bad times and give them something to believe in, which is not a bad thing and sometimes i wish that i did believe so that it could help me through my grief.

I hope that i havent offended you this time, i am not saying religion is wrong just that i struggle to accept it.

But as i said there is apart of me that believes in something else just not as it is written in the bible, or is it that i hope there is something else? Well now i dont even know myself.

I really wish that there was hard evidence of "somethign else" if luke could come to me just once and say " dont worry babe im stil here, there is more trust in that" but that isnt going to happen and then I start to question " but why if there is somethign else, wouldnt he come to me to reassure me when i am in so much pain"? And then I start to doubt it.

You could just go round and round in circles and i stil end up not knowing what I think or what I believe, i wish i did.

I would like to hear your thoughts on this Lauren?

Many Thanks

[laurenE]

Amy,

No you have not offended me.  Please feel free to speak your mind,  as tragedy such as yours does bring about many questions about what we believe in.     Please understand that all of my answers are going to be based on what I understand the bible says.   I grew up in  church from the time I was 2 yrs old so my whole life is centered on biblical principals.   Again,  I aplogize if I offend anyone on this board.   I'm not trying to brow beat anyone to believe as I do,  I understand that we all come from many walks of life,   but Amy asked me and this is the only way I can answer her,  based on my own personal beliefs.

You stated : "My belief has always been that religion was created to give people hope and help them through bad times and give them something to believe in," 

If this is true,  are you not in need of help to get you through bad times and something to believe in right now?  Aren't you in need of hope?   If religiou was created for those times,  then you're in one of those times.     Isnt it worth a try,  if it will give you the hope that you need to get you through your pain?

You stated:  " but why if there is somethign else, wouldnt he come to me to reassure me when i am in so much pain"

Perhaps one of the reasons why your Luke was in your life,  was to introduce you to the idea of God,  planting the seed of religion or God in your life.  Perhaps that was part of his purpose  in his short life.     I don’t know.  Just a thought.   Some people believe that loved ones show us  special "signs" that they are still with us.  I personally don't believe that but I certainly don’t claim to be right or have all the answers.   I think of my mom and dad when I see a cardinal chirping outside.   I don’t for a minute believe that the cardinal is actually them coming back to tell me they love me.   But perhaps God allowed the cardinal to show up in my yard as a gentle reminder of them.    It’s a thought that brings me comfort.   

If your Luke believed in God,  then He is in a perfect place called heaven where there is no pain.  I  guess once I get to heaven,  I wont want to come back to earth,  after experiencing such beauty and perfection.   But who knows,  perhaps he will forever be your guardian angel.   I do believe that we carry our loved ones in our heart forever,  so he is with you ,  just not in the flesh like we want.

You stated: " I have always found it difficult to believe even since a child, i just cant get my head round making the world in seven days, and some of the other stuff that is written. I do believe in something but the bible is just too much for me to grasp."


I have to agree with you.   How can anyone make the world in 7 days?   How can anyone rise from the dead?   Its too much for our human brains to comprehend,  isnt it?    A Human could never have done that.   But God can and did.   At least that’s what I believe. 

Also remember, that our brains are HUMAN,  imperfect,  and because of that we are limited in our understanding.    God  is GOD...all knowing,  all wise,   the creator.   The bible says we will know God exists bc of the beauty of the earth.    I personally am in the medical field and am amazed at how detailed the body is, and how it has has to rely on each organ in order to work correctly.   Its all syncranized perfectly.  Its  because God made us.   There was much thought put into it.      We  humans just didn’t appear bc of a  big "bang".   

Anyway,  Im getting into deep stuff here..sorry.   But my point is,  that God has NO limits.  And bc we are not God,  and don’t have a  "God brain",   but instead have a limited human brain,  we are limited in our understanding and will never fully understand Him  or some of the things that happen on this earth until we face God.       

I hope that you will soon find something to bring you comfort, and to make you feel closer to your Luke,   just as I find comfort in the cardinals.    Its also good that you are looking for anwers into what you believe.   I am here if you want to ask me any more questions.  If my answers arent comforting,  please seek out a church in your community where you can sit down with a minister, priest, pastor,   to answer your questions.   Perhaps a christian counselor would be helpful too.   There was a time after mom died that I was angry at God and questioned and doubted His love for me.   A christian counselor walked with me thru those times,  sat with me time after time,   answered my questions, allowed me to be furious at God, and gently guided me back to what I believed all along.  I pray you will find that person for you.   
Keep asking,  keep seeking.    And know you are not alone. 

hugs, 
lauren   

[Bronti]

Hello Amy, My Name's Bronti... I know it's kind-of a strange name, but I wasn't old enough to pick my own name, anyhow... I thought I had sent a response to you already, but my fantastic HP lap top tells me differently, I either love technology, or I hate it...

Wel, simply put, you are not alone (sorry for the Close Encounters 1977 movie play on words) I couldn't resisist!!

Anyhow, your thoughts are perfectly normal... How long does greif take? Well, simply put, as long as you need...

There are no requirements, not even justifications, simply put... you are entitled to feel what you need to feel without explaination, just cause, or reason.  Your emotions are, in fact yours and yours alone...

Take this time, the time you need, to heal,...heal your heart, mind body and soul.  The world will still be here when you're ready to come home...     

[Bronti]

Greetings Amy,

This is a trure story called "The Bandaid".  The day I was told of Michael's passing (Who was 34 yrs old when he died) I drove endlessly along the I-15 South bound towards San Diego, 'til I ended up at Inland Valley Rgional Medical Center in Temecula, CA. Ther I entered their ER and sat in the waiting room.

I sat silently, 'til something or someone could explain to me just what happened.  How could my friend, Michael, the one person I loved more than anyone on this planet be gone?

Eventually, a young nurse asked if I was ok... "No, no I'm not" I responded.  She then asked if I could follow her into the next room.  As I did so, she told me to have a seat on the gurney.  The young nurse checked my blood pressure and then gave me a small cup of water.   

As I began to gobble my water, the nurse asked me to hold both of my hands out.  In my right hand she placed a small (Light blue bandaid, with little pink hearts on it) and in my left hand she placed a white bandaid, with a big yellow smilling face on it.

She then said, "We can heal broken bones, but we can't heal broken hearts".  When you're ready to let go of the pain your heart feels, take the the bandaid out of your right hand (the one with the pink hearts on it) and replace it with the one in your left hand, 'ya know, the one with the big smilling face on it.

It'll be at this time when you'll be able to let go of the pain you feel.  "How long does it take to mend a broken heart?..."  "Only you know that and you'll know when it's time to let go... remember, it's your heart and no one controls that, except you..."

P.S. If there could be anyway I could remove your pain, I would in a nano-second.  My thoughts are with you,  take care and remember...be kind to your self, you are the only you...you have

[Karen Paul]

Bronti

What a great story.. thank you for sharing it.. so sorry for the loss of your dear friend.

Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

[amy]

Lauren E

Thank you for your reply.

Yes your right this is a time that i ned hope and need something to believe in, however i want to believe in it because i know it too be true not because it helps me to believe in that thing at that time.

In away I am jealous of people that do have such a strong religious belief because they do find comfort in it which is something i dont really have, but I just cant seem to give myself to it.

Sometimes i wonder whether as humans we make life more complicated than it actually is, we love and in turn we grieve, but grief is so massive that we find it hard to bear and over centuries we have made different ways to deal with it, if we believe there is a bigger picture, if we believe we will go to hevan and be with our loved ones again then it makes the grief not so massive and not so pointless and life itself seems to have more meaning if believe that its all part of something bigger. But if we look at what we know, the cycle of life, we are a massive chain of evolution, we reproduce, feed of species lower in the food chain and eventually we die, where we go into the ground and our energy is put back into the cycle. Its simple really when you look at it like that, but its not really the way anyone wants to think is it? I dont want to think thats it, theres nothing else apart from a cycle of life but its what im inclined to believe.

The only other belief i have considered is that possibly of another spiritual plane ( now this is my emotional brain not my rational). I dont think that there is anyone god but possibly a place where our soul, spirit, energy which ever you choose to call it lives on.

if you look at it scientifically, energy retains memory and energy doesnt die it just moves into different things, when our physical bodie dies our energy moves on.

I went to see several mediums after luke died in the hope of finding some answers, i went to three different ones and they gave me nothing, they were all completely off the mark. I had come to the decsion that there was nothing in the spiritual theory when a friend of a friend gave me a number and begged me to go to see this woman. I decided to go as a last ditch attempt. I changed my name and told her nothing about myself. This woman is amazing i have seen her several times since she has told me hard facts about my relationship, luke, how he died, his injuries, conversations i have had while alone at the cemetry. Now i thought maybe its a very clever mind reading trick of some kind yet she has told me things taht havent happend yet, that i didnt even know and they have come true every last one of them.

I have been over and over evry conversation i have had with her looking for answers as to how she knows what she knows, looking for logical answers and i just cant find any. I have never met anyone like her, and its not like she is vague with her answers so that you can turn them to what you want to believe, she is very specific and factual and even when i have turned round and said no thats not right she is adament and it wont be until later, a day, a week that it will happen and i stand there in pure shock.

Now i cant work out how this can be, i have been over and over evry possiblity and i dont have the answer, yet its still hard to believe to be true even though she gives hard facts and specific detail.

Now there are my two possible beliefs which is true im not sure if either, and i do appreciate your answers but i still have the thought of religion being something humans created, for hope, faith, rules to live by, power(centuries ago religous figures were powerful). If there is just one god, why so many different religions? why so many wars over religion?

Again no offence intended to anyone, these are just questions that i have had for many years that i would like to discuss.

Look forward to your reply Lauren

Amy xx

[amy]

Bronti,

Thank you so much for your story and reply.

It was nice how you put that, cause i do feel as if i am very far away from home, away from the rest of the world and those that love me, its as if i am stuck in a time warp watching the rest of the world go by.

My days roll into nights then into weeks and then months, I sem to be lost in grief and in away wasting my life away because i just cant move from the loss i feel.

I am told over and over that my pain will ease eventually and I hope that there right cause right now i am so lost and i just cant find my way home.

Thanks
Amy xx

[laurenE]

Amy,

Dont worry hon,  Im not offended.   Feel free to write what you need to write.  You shoulda seen all of my writings when I first started     Tons of questions and issues.  So write on girl!!  

Anyway,  as  I said,  its soo good that you are searching for answers.  Never ever stop.   I dont expect you or anyone to believe as I do.  However you are right in that it does make death and grief easier when we believe we will see our loved ones again,  when we have the hope of religion and God.   I cant imagine going thru grief without my faith.    Some people may call it a crutch .  On one hand, when we are broken we all need something to lean on.   But on the other hand,  my faith is so much more than that.    

I wish I could help you find your answers.   But this is a journey where you need to do the searching and the seeking for youself.  Churches,  synagogs,  etc,    look, seek,  find it.     Sometimes the answer ends up being right in front of our face in the end.    Other times it takes yrs to find answers.    Just dont stop searching.  

I'm here.

hugs,
lauren