Author Topic: Pining away  (Read 4687 times)

arthur

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Pining away
« on: July 24, 2012, 09:24:51 PM »
Today I drove by my wife's workplace..where she spent so many of her last days. My wife's co workers were almost all like friends and family for her..I thought I should stop by and visit like I have in the past after she died..I just couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't retain my composure today. I spent the remainder of the day at work holding back the tears an wishing to God she was somehow back in my life. I visited the dentists office today before that, where I used to have to transfer Maureen out of her chair into the dental chair for her dental work, for the first time since she died..it wasn't so bad while I was there..but being back at the dentists office bought back memories that just kept coming on all day. I feel like I am being pushed to the edge of a precipice...and it has crossed my mind a few times about how easier it might be to leave this life just to be with her. I managed to hold the tears back long enough until I got home and sobbed all over my pet cat. God help me.

sonya

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2012, 11:23:02 PM »
(((((((((Arthur)))))))))

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I miss. Tone terribly too a.nd have had moments like those which u describe.
I don't know what to tell u. If you think u really are going to hurt yourself then u need to call for help now. Dr, emergency room, neighbour.
If u think that is not the case then be gentle on yourself. Know that we care. Focus on something good that happened today. Seeing a flower or a beautiful sky.
Know that I am thinking of u and sending u hugs.
Son xxx
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

MyLou

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2012, 02:34:54 AM »
((((((((((((((((( ARTHUR ))))))))))))))))


I'm so sorry it is very hard.  I have and had plently of those days.  I had thoughts like that too but just couldn't do it.  It will be breaking God's law. 

Please don't hurt yourself like Sonya said get help if you need it.

Wishing your better days and peace.

Always,
Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

stampingwidow

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2012, 06:18:24 AM »
My heart goes out to you in this time of intense pain.  Please try to find someone to help you get thru this difficult time.  There are professionals and medications that can help you!  Does your community have a "Help Line?"  If they do, please call them and let them guide you to some help.  Please share your pain with a friend also.  You need help and you need it now!  Do not wait, call for help!  You have much to offer this world.  You are too valuable for us to loose you.  When you have survived this you will be able to help others traveling this horrible trail of pain.  We care about you, please stay in touch and let us know what is happening with you.  Ann

gaberax

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2012, 07:43:10 AM »
Sorry, Arthur.  (((((Arthur)))))

Terry

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2012, 08:25:58 AM »

((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))

Jean D

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2012, 08:26:28 AM »
(((((((((((Arthur)))))))))))))))


browneyedgirl

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2012, 09:20:42 AM »
(((Arthur)))

Please check in. We are all here for you.  Sending you lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

rayinsc

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2012, 07:19:58 PM »
Grieving is a difficult emotion.  It can draw all your strength, leaving you numb, if not depressed.  For a long time I too experienced this pull into the void of despair.  Then one day it came to me what grief was.  For me, grief is just a different expression of love.  When grieving comes on, I now put my arms around the feeling, I let it take me for awhile.  I cry and sob and feel miserable.  After a bit, I ask myself why am I grieving so now?  What event, or thing, or thought has set it off.  As I search for the reason, I am still quite emotional, eventual the trigger comes to me.  Once I identify the cause, I focus on the memory and let myself go there.   I go there not in sadness but in happiness of remembering that time in our life.  As I remember the good time and focus on the happiness then, my sobbing and crying stops as a smile comes to me just as if I were sharing that moment with my wife Arlind.  The grief goes away, leaving a bit of sadness, but a whole lot more warm memories.

An example of this happened on Monday.  Now that the estate has been settled, I needed an appraisal on the house for tax purposes.  I did not know who to call.  Then I remember that every year for more then twenty years, a realtor we met a couple of times would send Arlind a little pocket scheduler.  Every year Arlind looked forward to getting one so she could keep our appointments and other things handy.   Every year she would then talk about Lisa, the realtor she had met so long ago, and she would always say that some day we would need her help.  Little did Arlind or I know that it was her death that would bring forth that prophesy.

Much to my surprise, Lisa remembered in detail Arlind and our home.

I am telling you all this because shortly after I started talking with Lisa, I lost it.  I told Lisa I would have to call back.  Hanging up, I let the grief surround me, I embraced it, then I focused on how much that little calendar meant to my wife and the joy she had when it came in early Dec.  I remembered the conversations we had then in much more detail then if someone had asked me about it.  Soon the sobbing stopped, replaced by a warmth and smile as this little memory brought forth the other side of love, and that is happiness.

In accepting grief as an expression of love, it has become fairly easy for me to move the current link to a memory from grief to the other side of love, and that is warmth and happiness.  This took me a long time to come to, but with each effort, I have built a foundation of happy memories that I can joyfully share with others, but more important, retreat to myself.  I have also employed the same technique to those dark times, like when Arlind died in my arms.  Without going into detail, I actually did find a path to lessen the emotions memories of that time bring on.

In our living room, there is a plant that Arlind kept from the funeral of her previous husband following his death in 1981.  I knew the history of the plant. I was never jealous as she tended to it for all those so many years.  I continue tending to it as she did, in doing so, I keep her memory alive with a smile and my live goes on as did hers then.
Ray in Santa Cruz

mshaynes

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2012, 09:17:43 PM »
((((Arthur))))

Sorry you are hurting so badly. Please don't do anything drastic. As you know, losing someone is hell. If you offed yourself to be with Maureen, you'd be giving your remaining loved ones even more grief. That would be cruel. Hang in there, and hope that tomorrow will be less painful. Some days, the only thing we can hope for is that tomorrow will be better.
May she gaze upon you, Lord, face to face, and taste the blessedness of perfect rest. May angels surround her, and saints welcome her in peace. Let us also pray for all who mourn, that they may cast their care on God, and know the consolation of his love.

Terry

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2012, 10:44:09 PM »

Sending more hugs, Arthur. And, lots of love, too.

((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))

gaberax

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2012, 04:55:22 AM »
In our living room, there is a plant that Arlind kept from the funeral of her previous husband following his death in 1981.  I knew the history of the plant. I was never jealous as she tended to it for all those so many years.  I continue tending to it as she did, in doing so, I keep her memory alive with a smile and my live goes on as did hers then.

Ray, tending that plant is a wonderful testament to your love for your wife. Thanks for sharing.

arthur

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2012, 09:03:24 PM »
Hi Everyone-I just wanted to thank you all for your very kind words and support. I've been missing my wife alot lately.  Why now than at other times I cannot say.. things just seem so much harder now.  Being with people who hardly knew or cared about my wife most of the week certainly doesn't help..while they treat me as they do anyone else(while they don't avoid me like some do), I keep thinking..don't you realize that I've lost the most important part of my life just a year ago.  Just having them ignore my loss and having to pretend I am "ok" makes me miss Maureen and her eyes and her smile all the more. I still visit the cemetary 2-3 times a month.  I still cry everyday for her. I just wanted to give a big thanks for to everyone he..you are all so special to me ((((Sonya))))((((Lisa)))) ((((Stampingwidow)))) ((((Bob)))) (((((((Terry)))))))), ((((Ray)))),
((((((Pam))))))), ((((Mshaynes)))), ((((((Hixguy))))). Thanks for sharing, encouraging, and just being there in these desolate hours of the night I spend. You are all appreciated so much!

MyLou

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2012, 02:47:25 AM »
(((((((((((((((((( ARTHUR ))))))))))))))))))))


I know what you mean they think we are OK now , and we aren't.

I still talk about Lou until this day.  We are the only ones that can to keep their memory alive. Talk about Maureen if you like they will listen.  I do it at work with some of my close co-workers and some I just know but not to close.

I wish no one has to go through this but one day they will be wearing our shoes. They will realize now I know how Arthur felt, Lisa and so on.

I'm so sorry for all your pain, has we all get it and understand here.

Always,
Lisa
« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 04:30:51 AM by MyLou »
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Doug1222

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Re: Pining away
« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2012, 12:00:55 PM »
I wish no one has to go through this but one day the will be wearing our shoes.

Lisa, that's one of the strangest things about it to me. We all wish nobody had to go through it, but everybody will eventually.

It's just that nobody understands it until they have.