Author Topic: Bad Night Tonight  (Read 14028 times)

johnkmurray

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Bad Night Tonight
« on: March 28, 2011, 10:54:45 PM »
I'm sitting here at the computer at 1:30am, unable to sleep. I was laying in bed earlier tonight trying to sleep when it really hit me, really started to sink in that next Thursday, April 7th, will mark one year to the day that I lost my sweet Kit. Oh, I've been aware of the approaching date for quite some time, but it wasn't real, didn't really sink in that next week it will have been a year since cancer stole the best part of me. I've spent the last hour or two tossing and turning in bed, memories flashing through my mind, tears soaking my pillow. How ironic - Kit very rarely saw me cry. I wonder if she sees the tears flowing since she's been gone. I finally gave up on sleep and am sitting here, a glass of scotch at my side. There's more in the bottle. If sleep won't come I'll  settle for the blessed numbness.

What do I do on the day? Take the day off work? Avoid people? Thursdays are band practice and a chance to be among friends, but I won't be good company, that's a given. I can't think how useful I'll be at work. If I feel this messed up tonight I will likely be a basket case that day. If I'm with friends how can I ignore the significance of the day, yet how can I burden them by bringing it to their attention. "Hi all. Sorry to be a wet blanket on the evening, but guess what day it is!" Drink a toast to her memory at the pub after practice? I'll play the pipes for her that night. I played at her funeral, and at her memorial later last year, so I can do no less on the anniversary of her death.

Why is it that on nights like this only the bad memories come to mind; the missed opportunities, the things left unsaid, the guilt? I don't want to cope. I just want her back, our lives back. I want things to be the way they were supposed to be, not the way they turned out.

Sorry ... like I said, bad night.

John

Terry

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2011, 05:34:00 AM »

I'm sorry, John. I understand, if that helps any. Any date marking their memory brings to us every memory, good and bad and as you shared, a lot of the bad. The things we felt we should have done...the guilt. Your sweet Kit knew how much you loved her. Try to focus on that. It's not easy, though.

Do whatever YOU feel up to doing on the 7th. These first's are so very difficult. It's hardly believable that they are even gone. You have my heart, John.

On, not only my childrens dates but all of my loved ones, I have a tree planting, gathering friends and family and although it's never without tears, it's the way that I have chosen to honor them....to keep them alive in the hearts of others.

Is there something special that Kit loved and would like to see continued? A charity, a ritual that the two of you shared? Are your friend's supportive? As you shared, playing the pipes is one way for you to honor her. However you choose to spend the day, you have my support and my love.

(((((((((((((((John & Kit Forever)))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

allalone

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2011, 05:44:31 AM »
Dear John,

I read your post and I felt very sad and sorry. You must miss Kit so much. Your love must have been so special. 

I lost my husband to cancer last month. I have many "Ifs" and many "whys". If I had done this, would he have survived? Sometimes I feel guilty, till I read a book on grieving. It said, "guilt is when we do something with intent to harm." I know I tried my best to do all for him, yet "if only.....". There are so many things I wanted to say and do. And then I accept, I'm only human, I loved as best as I could. Your Kit knows you loved her. Remember the good times you had. It is so tough and unfair. 

On the day it was one month, I could not sleep. I kept remembering our last day together and the way he died. The pain was immense. I did not know what to do, as he died at 0115 am. I could not wake anyone to talk. then I realized it was day time in another part of the world and phoned  a friend, who I knew would understand me. On another occasion, when I could not sleep, I called grief line and it helps to talk to someone. Reading posts by others also helps me.

You will know what works for you. Someday you will start to feel better, I wish that day comes quick for all of us who grieve.

I pray God bless you and comfort you.

allalone

browneyedgirl

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2011, 12:36:24 PM »
(((John)))

My heart is with you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

mousewife

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2011, 07:52:10 PM »
So sorry for your pain John.  I am well familiar with the long sleepless nights,  and with the desire to have my husband and our life back.  I think we all experience that, even when we know it's not possible.  It is a dreadful thing to go through, I know.  Do what you feel will be the best for you.  Our spouses were such an important part of our lives, and in some cases, our whole world, that it seems fitting to find a way to honor them.  I donate to causes that I know my husband would support.  Sometimes I read aloud statements about our love, my grief, my courage, and the good memories, and light a candle as I read each statement.  This is a ritual that helps me honor his life and recognizes the courage that it takes for me to go on.  If you have close friends that you can share with, you might spend some time with them and reminisce about good times you all shared with her.  You have to figure out what will fit best for you.  I'm sorry we all have to go through these difficult days.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

ccwilcox

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2011, 06:29:51 PM »
I especially appreciated the post from allalone.  It sounds as though we're in almost the exact same place...husband died of cancer, in my case, almost two weeks ago.  I feel like I just won't be able to bear the pain.  It's good to read about people who have managed a whole month of grieving.  Even my cat is walking around in  daze.  I want Jim back.  I need him. 

DaveB

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2011, 11:23:23 PM »
Tomorrow will be 4 months since I lost my wife. I've been able to go back to work, even travel for work some. I guess that helps, being in a strange hotel room, working 12 hour days to keep me busy. But when I get home, I'm back at square one again. I took a short vacation up the coast with my son earlier this week. That was OK, we spent some quality time together. I'd been planing and looking forward to it for several weeks. Now that it's over, I've sunk back into the pit of despair...I feel miserable again, just like the first days after she passed away. I just want her back. That can't happen, and I still don't quite know how to deal with that.

johnkmurray

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2011, 12:47:59 PM »
It has been a week since I posted the thoughts above. What an emotional roller coaster this past few days has been and the ride isn't over yet. Still, several positives have come my way. First has been the support from all of you in this forum. Sharing our thoughts, fears, and hugs make the dark nights less fearsome. Over the last few days several friends have approached me to see how I'm coping. Here I thought I was the only one who was aware of the dates ... silly of me really. I've spoken with Kit's mother a couple of times this past week. Today I received a care package from her and a card that thanked me for giving her daughter a happy life.

I guess the message in all of this is that we're not really as alone as we think we are; people do care. Does that mean the sleepless nights, the tears, the soul-wrenching grief will magically go away? Nope, but somehow it makes it more bearable. I hope I can remember this lesson the next time I'm lying awake in the wee hours, alone with my grief.

Thanks,
John


browneyedgirl

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2011, 12:13:13 PM »
John ~ how are you doing?
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2011, 09:11:12 AM »
Pam,

Thanks for asking. I think I can honestly say that the good days are starting to outnumber the bad. Maybe it was passing the one-year mark, or maybe it was the way I faced that milestone, but since then I've started feeling better. At practice that night the band played a tune in Kit's memory, after which I was invited to play a solo for her. In the pub afterwards I was surrounded by good friends. Staying home and trying to avoid the world would have been a mistake.

Since that night something has happened. This may sound funny, but it feels like I spent the last year in a darkened room and I only just opened a window to discover that the world outside is still there, and that maybe, just maybe, I'm up to sticking my nose out there a little. I know Kit would want me to. Towards the end she took me aside and specifically told me that I should get on with my life after she was gone. She was most insistent. I guess she was worried that I'd spend my life sitting here, surrounded by her pictures, belongings, and my memories of our time together - er, kinda what I've been doing for the last year so I guess she was some smart lady!

Does this mean the bad days are gone? No, but they seem fewer and overall not as dark and gloomy. I'm more optimistic that life goes on for those of us left behind. I may even start thinking about .... *gulp* ... dating?

Regards,
John

browneyedgirl

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2011, 02:08:02 PM »
((((((John)))))

My heart is smiling for you......that was a great update.

And yes, Kit is a smart lady.  I am so glad you're starting to heal.

Thank you for posting.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

browneyedgirl

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2011, 11:41:01 AM »
Hi John ~ looking for an update on you!  :)
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2011, 06:08:53 PM »

Since that night something has happened. This may sound funny, but it feels like I spent the last year in a darkened room and I only just opened a window to discover that the world outside is still there, and that maybe, just maybe, I'm up to sticking my nose out there a little. I know Kit would want me to.


No truer words could be written because the only path to the light is when we first begin to "crawl out of the darkness" and we must work through it, in every sense. It's painful. It's draining. And at times we don't believe we'll ever see light.....but it does come. Little glimmers at first and although the darkness is always there and it will be revisited....our stay is never as long once we've found the light.
Your precious Kit was such a special lady and the deep love she showed you over the years is guiding you now.

Bless you, Kit for loving this man so very much! Bless you, John for remembering the love!

Thank You so much for this post, this profound message of Hope. I always look forward to your posts, John as they are always filled with such truth and love!

(((((((((((((Kit & John Forever))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

johnkmurray

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2011, 07:28:22 AM »
Tonight I'm playing the pipes at the local (Forsyth county, GA) Relay for Life. This will be the third year they've asked me to perform. This morning they sent me the scripts for tonight so I'll know my cue when it comes. The various speakers do their bit, then follow me around the track in a lap of remembrance. I was reading through the scripts; the stories told by cancer survivors, caregivers, and especially those honouring loved ones lost to cancer. The tears started flowing. Still, I have a job to do tonight and better that the emotion of the occasion hit me now than later when I'm supposed to be performing.

I'll be playing "Amazing Grace" because the crowd expects that, "Dark Island" because that was the first tune Kit ever asked me to learn for her, and other suitable tunes.

John

arthur

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Re: Bad Night Tonight
« Reply #14 on: May 13, 2011, 09:49:53 PM »
Wow Johnk I think it is so cool that you are doing this for a cancer benefit especially when it is costing you some grief to do it. 
Awesome. I wish I will be able to so something like that one day instead of sitting in seclusion. God bless you JohnK. Arthur