Shocked about suicide

[trae]

I am very happy to see there is a place to post stuff like this.  My boyfriend of 6 months shot himself on thursday and passed away yesterday.  I am numb.  Unfortunately, he was separated from his wife, living at his sisters house, so I cannot intrude on the family.  He didn't let anyone know we were dating because he was afraid of the fallout from his wife.

I don't quite know what to do.  I am lost.  I am crying all the time, with no one to talk to really.  I know its early because it was only yesterday, but I have so many questions to ask him with no way to do it.  Am I crazy talking?  I don't even know if I can go to the service because of the family.  I feel so alone.

Terri

[jazzgirl]

Hi Trae,

So sorry to hear about your loss.  Suicide seems to make it hurt so much b/c all of the why's and the blaming seems to add to it. It is so good you found this place to let out your emotions at such an early stage of grief. It is normal to feel numb. My brother committed suicide Jan. 1, 2006. It is a state of shock b/c 1 day he is there, the next day, with no warning, he is gone. It takes a while to settle in. It must be hard for you b/c you were "the other girl". My brother had been married to 2 women in his life and had children by both. The x-wife took things really hard too when she 1st found out, but yet didn't ever have a "right" time to grieve properly b/c she was re-married and had her kids around all the time.  Just know that you can come here and everyone understands. This place has been a life saver for me. It is good to talk with others who have been thru this. 

[Lonnie]

Trae: I am so sorry about your boyfriend, and all the complications of grieving that his suicide has presented you with. I know that your heart is broken, and you feel so distraught. What a dilemma about the funeral also. I don't know the answer to that one either. Keep coming here and posting your feelings. Also, read everything you can about suicide so that you can understand it better. (If there is any understanding.) I really feel that people are just hurting so much at the time, that they just feel they can't take the pain anymore, and are sure that things will never get any better. As Jazzgirl said, it is a permanent mistake. And the survivors are left with so many questions and so much pain. I am so glad that Jazzgirl was able to post back to you, as she has been there and knows the heartbreaking pain. Many hugs-Lonnie

[trae]

Thank you guys so much for your words.  It means more than you will ever know, really. 

I like to think that Joe (that is his name) changed his mind at the last minute because he is the one who called 911.  But the bullet did too much damage to his internal organs.  Calling 911 so fast did give his family time to say good bye, which was good for them. 

Joe was a wonderful man, loved by so many, yet he was obviously in soo much pain.  I think maybe he wanted a quick fix and when he did shoot himself he realized this was permanent.  I just miss him so much.  (My eyes are almost swollen shut).  Jazz tell me, were you angry?  I am so angry and then feel guilty about the anger.  My father has been very sick and in the hospital, and I was so mad at god for not taking dad and taking my Joe.  Its hard to write that, because he is my father and I do love him.  (By the way, Joe died yesterday at 10:30 am, and my father left ICU at 10:30 am). 

I have some soul searching to do as far as the memorial service is concerned.  I don't know.  If I go and blend in will it give me closure, or make it worse.  I do have friends that will be going, and his almost x-wife did not know me.  Thoughts?

God Bless you guys, this is very helpful.

Terri

[Crushed]

trae, i am so sorry for all that you are going through and the problems it has created. In time you will find that you don't have to understand why it happened and accept that it did. My husband died in a tragic accident and there will never be the answers that we so desperately wanted and thought we had to have. Six months into this I now know that it doesn't matter and it is what it is.
I know it doesn't seem fair that you have to start over again at age 50, but we are not promised that life will always be fair. We have to embrace the suck and keep moving. You are in such a state of shock and your emotions are all smushed together and it will take a few weeks for them to separate out and calm down. Please take care of yourself and rest and eat right. It will help. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but  watch a funny movie or something and give yourself the gift of laughter. It releases good chemicals into the body and is very good for you.  I lost my self in a good movie 3 days or so after the service for my husband and it was one of the best things I could have done.
If you want to go to Joe's funeral, by all means do so. Go with your friends and not by yourself. You don't have to announce to those gathered who you are and what your relationship is. I am certain that Joe had friends and people who he came across in his work that his family didn't know, as most of us do. As for feeling better or worse for going I have no idea as we are all different and react to situations in our own way. I would say that if you think you might really loose it and draw attention to yourself with more crying that is appropriate for a friend,  maybe you should stay away as you don't want to have a lot of questions asked and run the possibility of being asked to leave.  You started dating Joe about the time my husband died and I am sorry that you didn't have longer together. You will be ok, it takes time and work to get there. 

[laurenE]

Trae,

I am so sorry.  How horrible for you, this pain, the aloneness and this dilima that you are in.  I agree with Crushed... go if you want to and sit quietly with friends. You dont have to go up to his ex and introduce yourself.   Just go up to the casket with your friends.  No explaination is necessary.  And if anyone asks,  tell them you all (as a group) were co workers or old friends or something.   I do think going will help you with some closure.  I seriously do.   But sudden death does tend to add to the complications of grief since you had no way of knowing he was going to die, and no way of saying good bye.  So it may feel like quite awhile before you truely feel the closure.   But I do think it will help if you have the chance to go and to find out where he will be buried. 

You are not alone.  You can come here and grieve with us.  You dont have to pretend here or hide your feelings about him with us. 

  I do encourage you to also seek out friends to talk about him with.   It helped me to have this place but also to have  people who were right here in my town who I could talk to and cry with. 


I am so sorry.   But I'm glad you found us. 

lauren

[Lonnie]

Trae: LaurenE and Crushed have given you some great advice about the funeral. It is SO normal to be angry when someone dies. Angry at them, angry at God, angry at everyone. My belief is that God does not cause bad things to happen. There is evil in the world, as well as choices we make. And some things just have NO explanation. God will be there for you when you need comfort, and He understands all your feelings, including the anger. For myself, I was angry with God also for awhile, but in time, realized that He was not to blame, and that without Him I would have nowhere to run for comfort.  Please keep coming back, and let us know how it goes. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Lonnie

[jazzgirl]

Hi Trae,

I would say if it isn't going to cause a scene, go to the funeral b/c you might regret it in the future. I am so sorry you are going thru this. My eyes have been swollen many of times. I hate that b/c they hurt and it is hard to close the eyes. They "Why's" are going to go on for a while. You may find answers to settle the mind, but you will realize that it doesn't matter b/c they are gone regardless. I was angry at my brother, but not so much at him b/c I know he never wished to have this pain put on us. I just get mad b/c he left a mess behind with his 2 boys from seperate marriages behind. His youngest was only 1 when he did this, but his older son was 8 and those 2 were best friends. My brother had full custody of him for 5 years and it was just my brother and him for quite a few years. Those were some of the happiest times of his life. His older sons life has been turned upside down and for that, I get upset with him, but I know he never ever meant to do that. They just aren't thinking clear at all when they are at that point. That is why I call it a sickness. You are in my thoughts. Keep posting. I am here for you.

[AllysonD]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also agree that going to the service may be helpful in a way for you.

[trae]

Thank you guys so much for your kind words and advice.  You are truly a godsend, and I mean that.  How can I be mad at God when he led me to you? 

The service is Saturday at 5 p.m.  It will be a potluck and kind of a party type thing.  My friends who introduced Joe and I don't think I should go, and I'll tell you why.  Joe's wife was kind of mean, and she would call my house and leave evil messages on my machine.  I didn't tell Joe about them for a long time, but then had to because they were coming every day, sometimes twice a day.  Mind you, Joe was 60, I am 50 and his wife is 60.  (mature huh?)  http://Then I got a letter (unsigned of course) telling me that Joe was no good, and if I wanted the truth, to call his wife (gave me the number too).  I never called his wife, and never told Joe about the letter.  I'm glad I didnt.

My friends are afraid if I go, the daughter will seek me out and make a scene.  I am torn, because I do need that closure and final "good bye my Joe". 

My 22 year old daughter is coming down tomorrow and spending the weekend with me.  I may just have my own little service at a park or lake and say good bye.  I do know where he will be buried, so at least I can go talk to him. 

Thoughts? 

I also think my friends who never met him (we were only together 6 months) are sick of hearing about him.     So its nice to have this place to vent.  thank you so much

Terri

[Lonnie]

If his wife actually knew who you were, I would definitely say don't go. How did she get your number? Wow, what a mess! Perhaps you are right to have your own ceremony. I am glad that you know where he will be buried, but be careful in the beginning about running into his family. That would be quite a scene, IF they knew of you. I guess in the end, the decision truly has to be yours. I am very sorry for the way he died, and for all the stress all this must put on you. I am so glad you found us also! Come back anytime.   Hugs-Lonnie

[jazzgirl]

I agree with Lonnie. From what you have told us, it sounds like a scene would be made. I think maybe going to his grave site after all is said and done might be a safe place to express yourself. I definately feel closer to my brother by going to the gravesite. It might be better than going to the funeral b/c it will be more intimate.  Maybe this is God's way of protecting you from seeing this side of him. By not going to the funeral, you will have your memories of him alive. Going to my brother funeral, I will 4 ever have that picture of him laying in that casket and that smell of his hair around me. I kissed him several times on his head and it had a funny smell. His body was just so stiff and cold. It was like it was a manican. I knew in my head though that that wasn't him anymore. Sometimes images of someone you loved are just better unseen. Good luck in whatever you choose and continue your faith. He really does lift you up in this time of need.  Let us know how things go. My thoughts are with you.

[Crushed]

The last thing you need is to be involved in a scene and mistreated by the wife and daughter. This is not the time for that and you could not come out the winner in this situation. They are hurting too and I would not want to be their target! Just do your own thing and avoid the drama. You and Joe know what you had together and no one can change that. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Becky18]

{{Terri}} Hon, I agree that going yourself to this "first" service would be too stressfull. Here's a thought. You said you have friends going already, right?  Why don't you send some flowers (even a single one would do) with them to take to the service for you. Trust me, Joe will know who they're from, while the family will not.  Then, you have your own, personal service. You have the right to grieve in your own way, place and time, and more to the point, you can honor Joe in a way that you know he would appreciate. Whatever you decide, know that you have people that you can lean on.
Becky

[trae]

WOW - thank you all for your inspirational messages and thoughts.  I will not be going to the service today.  I have too much love and respect for Joe to do that.  I found out yesterday that there were only 3 people who knew about me, and they didn't think I should go.  But they left it up to me.

I also found out that on Monday, July 23rd, he filed for divorce.  He called me that evening and left me a message to call him because he had some stuff to talk to me about.  He knew he had built walls around me and it was up to him to break them down.  I was too stubborn, and wanted to wait to call him.  I called and left a message on his cell phone Thursday, July 26 at 8:30 p.m. for him to give me a call and I was looking forward to talking with him and hopefully we could get past the "secrecy" of our relationship.  Joe shot himself at 2:30 p.m. that day.  I waited too long, and my message is still on his cell phone.  He never heard it.  OH THE GUILT I AM FEELING IS UNBEARABLE.  But just knowing he did sign the divorce papers and turned them into his lawyer, does make me think we could have made it.  He did love me, that I know.  Again, WHY? 

Thank you all so much for your support.  I wish I could give each of you a hug, just grab on and not let go.  I live in Eugene Oregon if anyone is close. 

I loved Joe with all my heart and I will miss him terribly.  But I think I will get through it.  I know deep down inside that my not calling him right back didn't cause him to shoot himself, it was much deeper than that.  I think that he was planning it all along, and God keeping me from calling until he was already gone, may have saved my life.  who knows? 

Terri