Shocked about suicide

[trae]

Thank you Trisho.  The service was August 4 and it has come and gone.  But I am going to do a little memorial area in my garden.  I think he would like that and I will feel closer to him. 

My main problem right now is forgiving him for killing himself.  He was selfish in that part, but me not finding it within my heart to forgive him is selfish on my part.  Like I said its only been 3 weeks or so, and I still cuss him out when I cry, but hopefully soon I can find it within myself to forgive him.  I know God has.

Thanks again for the idea.  Its a great one.

Terri

[Crushed]

It's tough and I would be mad too. Forgiving is really more for the person doing the forgiving than for the one that needs forgiving. It clears your heart and takes the negative energy away. A sermon was given on that and I thought it was the craziest idea until I thought about it and got it. You are the one in turmoil not the person who hurt you, so who is getting the reprecusions  from all of those emotions? Forgiveness will set you free.  Easier said than done I know, but it works! My brother in law hurt me so badly and I stewed and ranted and cussed. He was not even around and I was allowing him to do that. I forgave him, I'll never tell him so, and got rid of all of that negative energy.   Yours was in such a bad place emotionally that he couldn't cope. I truly believe that people who commit suicide are hurting so badly that they don't think about the impact it will have on their loved ones. Maybe you can forgive him and just pray that he has been healed and has found the peace that he could not find here. I think your feelings are perfectly normal. You can never understand why it happened and you have to give that to God to carry for you. I know that you will take it back many times before you can completely let it go. I know I have with my husbands accident. It's early yet on your journey and your shock is just starting to wear off. Be gentle with yourself and take it slow. baby steps will get you there.

[jazzgirl]

Hey Trae, Sorry it took so long to get back. The 2 boys live with their mothers. The 1st wife is the one that is keeping the boy from us. I live 3 hours away from him and she already cut me out of his life back in December. She has never like me from the beginning because I was the one who caught her cheating on my brother back when they were dating. She has fought my parents from day 1 on seeing him and now it has just come to a stop b/c Tyler said he wanting to commit suicide. Of course, she says it is our fault. It is always our fault on everything. Our family has decided to just back away from all of this nonsense. This woman has said some very horrible things about our family. What makes me sick is she is passing all of these lies onto my nephew. I just pray for him and his siblings that everything turns out ok for them. At least, we still get to see the other son. Our motto is "Look at what we do have and not what we don't." We have put the rest in God's hands b/c there is nothing else we can do. My parents have devoted this last 1 1/2 years on trying to get time with my brothers kids, but at the same time, they have been putting our kids on the back burner. They have now decided to throw in the white flag. Enough is enough.

I understand what you mean about being angry. I have been angry a lot at my brother. He was such a quitter growing up. I just get angry b/c he had no right to quit on his boys. They didn't deserve that. I can't be angry at him for too long though b/c I know he must have been in so much pain and feeling worthless to actually follow thru with this. Plus, having to deal with these 2 woman he chose to marry, I can see why he did what he did a little more. They are just so hard to deal with. I actually backed away from them for awhile now. I just can't be around them. I still feel they were the reason he is where he is. His 1st wife just makes eveything so impossible and the 2nd wife he couldn't do anything right. Every where he turned he was getting grief. That gets old real quick. Especially when you have the stress of work and then coming home to that stress day in and day out. I still get angry though b/c of what Tyler is going thru now. It breaks my heart. My brother was the 1 piece to all of this that kept that boy with us and now he's gone. I do feel he was being very selfish when doing that though. I know in my heart though that he would never do it again if he had a 2nd chance b/c of all whom he hurt. I don't think that was his intension. I believe he was trying to make a statement to his wife and his x. His wife just replaced him 5 months later and his x is trying to act like Jason never even existed. I just have to let God handle this b/c it is too much for our family. I chose to put my concentrations on my kids.

[Autumn Leaves]

I don't think we can ever truly understand why someone would hate their lives so much they'd rather kill themselves. I think some people become so self-involved that they can't see any other way out. I think they believe that no one loves them anymore so no one would miss them. It's really sad, especially when the people they left behind had no idea how desperate the person felt. I've known people who killed themselves and a couple of them had tried a couple times previously before they succeeded. I think some people are determined not to live that they build a facade so people around them believe they're improving and not suicidal any longer. One childhood friend overdosed on pills the first time, slit her wrists the second time, and shot herself the third and final time. She'd been institutionalized and undergone therapy and convinced the doctors that she was better. She took her time and planed everything out. She never once thought about her family or friends or how they'd feel, just how she felt and how much she hated her life and the choices she'd made in her life. It was terrible because she wasn't even 21 yet and hadn't really experienced life.

[Trisho]

Trae - Sorry I was too late in responding to your post.  Maybe what might help you with the anger towards him is to sit down and write a letter.  I went to a grief counseling session for about 6 weeks and one of the assignments was to write a letter basically saying goodbye since when sudden deaths occur we never get that chance.  It was one of the hardest things I had to do.  I kept thinking I don't want to say goodbye.  But I sat and I thanked him for all of the things he did for me and all the love he gave, and then I asked for forgiveness for some things that maybe I needed forgiving, and then I forgave him for things that had happened.  I sat down and took my time and of course had a big box of kleenex.  When we shared them in the group it was very difficult to hold the tears and emotions which my group leader encouraged us to cry or do what we needed to do to get thru.  I was a bit amazed after that I felt a bit of peace if only for a while.  It was nice to tell him all the things that maybe I never had the chance to do.  Keep moving one day at a time at your own pace.  Somehow we all find some kind of strength to survive although in the beginning we don't want to go on nor understand how we can without our loved ones.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Hugs  Trisho

[trae]

Trisho - thank you so much for your kind words.  Yesterday was the 1 month anniversary of Joe's suicide and I did write a letter to him.  I thank him for all the laughter he gave me and the amazing memories.  Although I was unable to formally forgive him for leaving without saying good bye, I know that will come.  I talked to a family member and he did ask god for forgiveness in the ambulance, and said he didn't want to die.  It seems like as time does go bye, the healing does begin, but then a phrase or a picture screws it up and its like I start over again.  But your suggestion of writing a letter to him was a good release and I do feel a bit better.  HOWEVER, I did not say good-bye.  I need to do that and to forgive him.  Time, Time, Time.....(God I hate that word).   

[Lonnie]

Wow Terri: Just to get that bit of information is a gift. But sad also. I think it just goes to show what most of us believe-that when a person takes their own life, they are just hurting so badly, and they don't want to die; they just want the pain to stop. And they think it never will. I am so sorry for the way he died, and the pain you have endured. You have been a blessing to all of us, Lonnie

[bearcub41]

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your loss and the complications that are going with it.  I lost my brother to suicide one year ago today.  He his his depression from all of us and his friends and co-workers.  The shock was horrible.  I never thought that I could be where I am in my grieving today, a year ago.  Then all seemed so horrible and the loss so great.  Today, I have more good days and can think about Steve without crying.  I know there will still be bad days, but it is true that with time, things do get better.

Guilt and anger and so much a part of normal grief, and maybe more so when the death is due to suicide.  When you are ready, I suggest grief counseling.  I have yet to attend a Survivors of Suicide support group, but would still like to do that.  I did see a private counselor and that helped me to know that what I was feeling was normal.

Just take this one day at a time.  Give yourself time to grieve.

TH

[Karen Paul]

trae - I'm so sorry to hear about Joe.. and all the complicated feelings that surround his death for you.. I do hope you find this a safe place to talk, vent, scream, cry, and maybe share Joe with us.. You are so very early on this journey of grief... but it sounds ilke you are doing what you need to do for you and that is good.. and I think Joe would be proud of you for that.. do take care of you..

I lost my nephew Christopher to a hit and run driver in Nov. 2003. He was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday. Chris is my brother's only child, my parent's only grandchild.. we miss him beyond words.. so hard to believe it will be 4 yrs in November.. and he should be turning 21 on Dec. 1st..

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

[Lonnie]

Karen: I always love the pics of Chris. Two of my favorites lately are the face painting one, and I LOVE the one of him in the cowboy hat! I know you miss him terribly! He is so adorable!!!! Thanks! Lonnie

[Karen Paul]

Thank you Lonnie - I love sharing pics of him.. he was SUCH a cutie pie when he was little... and grew into a handsome young man.. with his mom's bright blue eyes and his dad's smile and silly giggle and little nose...

Here's another of my favorites.. mister casual..

 

[jazzgirl]

What a cutie pie!!! Kids have it made, don't they

[Lonnie]

Love that one too! You feel like you could just eat him up, he's so cute!!!!!!   And yes, he did become a handsome young man! Hugs-Lonnie

[trae]

Oh Karen!  What an amazingly handsome man that little boy became.  What happened to the driver?  Just curious because such a senseless death is horrible!  Don't you just wish you could put your feet up like he has his by the fan?  Soooo cute.  Thanks for the smile, on this day.  Even though I know Joe is gone, and will never be back, I really dread the weekends because that was our time.  We went to the coast alot (I live in Oregon) and walked on the beach, gambled at a casino on the coast and just did a lot of laughing.  I miss that laugh. 

But, life does go on -- and your pictures did bring a bright smile today.  Thank you! 

Terri 

[trae]

Well I had to come back.  I thought I was getting better, but then my Joe's 61st birthday came.  AND a bouquet of flowers were delivered to me on his birthday with a note that said "Please don't be sad, its not your fault, just know that I loved you more than you will ever know.  Remember the good times, Joe."  I immediately called the florist and they were ordered 1 week before he killed himself.  The woman said there were two other deliveries scheduled, but couldn't tell me when.  I don't know what to do.  I'm scared to get them, I cry and cry to know he knew I would be thinking of him on his birthday.  Its like he WANTS me to continue the grieving process, even though its been almost 3 months since he committed suicide.  I was finally getting to the point where I thought of him and smiled!  Now....I'm back to the pity.  What do I do?