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76
Child Loss / Re: Home from Hawaii
« on: January 23, 2007, 11:37:32 AM »
Hello Dottie,
Glad you are safely home from Hawaii.
As I was reading your post I was thinking that you have made some progress in dealing with your loss of Tammie. Even a moment of peace, no matter how fleeting, must surely be a good thing. I am so glad for you in that matter.
I think of you and your precious daughter often. I have been spreading the word to other people about your crusade to stop Doctors from handing out these deadly drugs, and drug combos. (Project Tammie)
Hopefully soon a national database will prevent another parent from having to live through the hell of losing their precious child.
((((((Hugs))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Glad you are safely home from Hawaii.
As I was reading your post I was thinking that you have made some progress in dealing with your loss of Tammie. Even a moment of peace, no matter how fleeting, must surely be a good thing. I am so glad for you in that matter.
I think of you and your precious daughter often. I have been spreading the word to other people about your crusade to stop Doctors from handing out these deadly drugs, and drug combos. (Project Tammie)
Hopefully soon a national database will prevent another parent from having to live through the hell of losing their precious child.
((((((Hugs))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
77
Child Loss / Re: I think I received my “first” sign from Danielle Marie.
« on: January 23, 2007, 11:22:41 AM »
I am so happy for you.
I no longer believe in coincidence.
It was definitly a sign from Danielle.
(Hugs)
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
I no longer believe in coincidence.
It was definitly a sign from Danielle.
(Hugs)
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
78
Child Loss / Re: Thinking of you today Don
« on: January 23, 2007, 11:15:16 AM »
Happy Heavenly Birthday Donny,
Don sending you and your family prayers and strength today.
((((hugs)))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Don sending you and your family prayers and strength today.
((((hugs)))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
79
Child Loss / Thanks for the advice
« on: January 21, 2007, 04:10:25 PM »
I just wanted to say thank you for the advice regarding my sleeplessness.
I intend to make an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow. I never even considered that the medical dr. could help. I just kept thinking about a psychiatrist or psychologist, and pills that make me into a zombie.
((((Hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
PS
Marianne, I will check out the website.
I intend to make an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow. I never even considered that the medical dr. could help. I just kept thinking about a psychiatrist or psychologist, and pills that make me into a zombie.
((((Hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
PS
Marianne, I will check out the website.
80
Child Loss / Re: Just Plain Sad
« on: January 21, 2007, 04:00:45 PM »
Rebecca,
Your unveiling ceremony sounds like a perfectly lovely tribute to Jason.
Tristan died on Monday and I have the same issue with that day of the week. Many times I have wished I could skip Mondays altogether. (Sleeping through would be nice)
I understand about the sadness. As bereaved parents we have a right to sadness for no reason other than the OBVIOUS one.
Sometimes we just need to be sad and reflect on what we have lost and what we are still missing out on.
Just know that you and Jason are in my prayers tonight.
((((((Hugs)))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Your unveiling ceremony sounds like a perfectly lovely tribute to Jason.
Tristan died on Monday and I have the same issue with that day of the week. Many times I have wished I could skip Mondays altogether. (Sleeping through would be nice)
I understand about the sadness. As bereaved parents we have a right to sadness for no reason other than the OBVIOUS one.
Sometimes we just need to be sad and reflect on what we have lost and what we are still missing out on.
Just know that you and Jason are in my prayers tonight.
((((((Hugs)))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
81
Child Loss / Bad Night (warning....upsetting details)
« on: January 20, 2007, 05:52:13 AM »
Is something wrong with me?? When I go to bed my mind starts racing with disturbing thoughts about Tristan. Mostly about the day that he died. I have had several instances where I startle awake or maybe I am in between sleep and awake and I think that he is standing beside my bed.
The racing thoughts thing is different. I am replaying the events of that horrible day in my brain. First he is in the kitchen, talking to me, crying a few tears regarding his gf. Then the sheriff coming down the drive telling me he is dead. All of my family coming in waves until there is 25 people standing around. The worst of it, seeing him at the coroners office. The man is telling us that he stayed with Tristan and asking us questions, relaying details about his death, but I feel as if it is happening to somebody else. (As if I am watching a movie)
This happens to me almost every night!!! Sometimes I just don't go to bed at all.
I have been taking some herbal meds to help me sleep but it isn't working well enough and I take other meds that keep me from being able to take sleeping pills.
How do I get these images out of my head. Tristan has been gone for almost 10 months. I have dreamed of him only twice, other than this awful replay in my head. I can't take this anymore. I want to remember good things about my son's life.
Does this happen to everyone??? I don't want to talk to my husband about this. (don't want to upset him or worse cause it to happen to him)
Does anybody have any suggestions?
??
(((Hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
The racing thoughts thing is different. I am replaying the events of that horrible day in my brain. First he is in the kitchen, talking to me, crying a few tears regarding his gf. Then the sheriff coming down the drive telling me he is dead. All of my family coming in waves until there is 25 people standing around. The worst of it, seeing him at the coroners office. The man is telling us that he stayed with Tristan and asking us questions, relaying details about his death, but I feel as if it is happening to somebody else. (As if I am watching a movie)
This happens to me almost every night!!! Sometimes I just don't go to bed at all.
I have been taking some herbal meds to help me sleep but it isn't working well enough and I take other meds that keep me from being able to take sleeping pills.
How do I get these images out of my head. Tristan has been gone for almost 10 months. I have dreamed of him only twice, other than this awful replay in my head. I can't take this anymore. I want to remember good things about my son's life.
Does this happen to everyone??? I don't want to talk to my husband about this. (don't want to upset him or worse cause it to happen to him)
Does anybody have any suggestions?
?? (((Hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
82
Child Loss / Re: My Aunts Son
« on: January 18, 2007, 05:53:07 AM »
Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers these next tough days.
sending ((hugs)) and strength
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
sending ((hugs)) and strength
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
83
Child Loss / Re: DEAR GOD…WHY DID YOU PICK ME???
« on: January 17, 2007, 01:30:46 PM »
Oh John,
I ask this same question every single day. I feel your pain. You can't move on from the death of your precious child. You have to take whatever time you need. You will never again be the same because a part of you is gone from this world.
I sat here reading your post, feeling your pain, crying with you because I know how it feels. Not to say that I understand exactly because that is impossible, but understanding the frustration, pain, agony, the deep dark pit of despair where there are no answers to why!!!!! Why is your child so far away, why do I have to stay in this life and pretend that your living when you are only existing, waiting for the day that you will be reunited with your beautiful daughter.
I know that I have no words to make your pain any easier. I know that whatever I type will be of little comfort to you. I also know that you are not alone in this pain.
I am here for you. I will be praying that Danielle will come to you and give you some peace. That God will touch your broken heart and send you a sign that your precious daughter is with him and safe in his arms.
Just know that you are not alone.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
I ask this same question every single day. I feel your pain. You can't move on from the death of your precious child. You have to take whatever time you need. You will never again be the same because a part of you is gone from this world.
I sat here reading your post, feeling your pain, crying with you because I know how it feels. Not to say that I understand exactly because that is impossible, but understanding the frustration, pain, agony, the deep dark pit of despair where there are no answers to why!!!!! Why is your child so far away, why do I have to stay in this life and pretend that your living when you are only existing, waiting for the day that you will be reunited with your beautiful daughter.
I know that I have no words to make your pain any easier. I know that whatever I type will be of little comfort to you. I also know that you are not alone in this pain.
I am here for you. I will be praying that Danielle will come to you and give you some peace. That God will touch your broken heart and send you a sign that your precious daughter is with him and safe in his arms.
Just know that you are not alone.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
84
Child Loss / Re: Not Coping At All With This Hell
« on: January 16, 2007, 06:52:46 PM »
Marzz, Jeanne is right about the sleeping thing. It just makes things even worse. I go through cylcles of sleeping and not sleeping. I have started taking some herbs, one is called Valerian Root and it seems to help me sleep somewhat easier on my really bad nights. It is really cheap and available at GNC or any health food store.
I take other meds and it doesn't interact with the other stuff that I take.
I lost my son 9 1/2 months ago and with the holidays just over it has been very tough.
Just try to take care of yourself first and everybody else can fend for themselves.
Keep writing here it really does help.
((((((hugs)))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
I take other meds and it doesn't interact with the other stuff that I take.
I lost my son 9 1/2 months ago and with the holidays just over it has been very tough.
Just try to take care of yourself first and everybody else can fend for themselves.
Keep writing here it really does help.
((((((hugs)))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
85
Child Loss / Re: Missing Tristan (long)
« on: January 16, 2007, 06:41:09 PM »
Dottie,
Thank you so much for the words of understanding.
I don't think that you are no longer a Mom.
Your child being in heaven doesn't take away your right to that title.
I believe you are a wonderful Mother and I am sure that Tammie would agree.
To me it is a testament to your motherhood every time you post on this board, every time you mention your child's name, every time you think of her.
Thats just how I see it.
(((hugs)))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Thank you so much for the words of understanding.
I don't think that you are no longer a Mom.
Your child being in heaven doesn't take away your right to that title.
I believe you are a wonderful Mother and I am sure that Tammie would agree.
To me it is a testament to your motherhood every time you post on this board, every time you mention your child's name, every time you think of her.
Thats just how I see it.
(((hugs)))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
86
Child Loss / Re: Hi Everyone!
« on: January 16, 2007, 06:32:20 PM »
Congratulations Dena,
Grandchildren are so wonderful.
I am so glad to hear about your daughters dream. It sounds as if Josh approves of her choices.
(hugs)
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Grandchildren are so wonderful.
I am so glad to hear about your daughters dream. It sounds as if Josh approves of her choices.
(hugs)
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
87
Child Loss / Re: Missing Tristan (long)
« on: January 16, 2007, 06:23:18 PM »
Rebecca, Thank you so much. I know what you mean about your views changing when faced with the loss of your child. I have questioned just about everything that I thought I believed in these past months.
I hope that eventually I will come to some conclusion or at least a decision about what I still believe.
I know one thing for sure. Everything happens for a reason, and at this point I can't find a reason that is good enough for me to understand why I have to go forward without my precious son.
(((hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's mom
I hope that eventually I will come to some conclusion or at least a decision about what I still believe.
I know one thing for sure. Everything happens for a reason, and at this point I can't find a reason that is good enough for me to understand why I have to go forward without my precious son.
(((hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's mom
88
Child Loss / Missing Tristan (long)
« on: January 16, 2007, 05:11:13 PM »
Thanks to all that read or replied to my post yesterday. I have missed this board more than words can say.
The last couple of weeks has been hell for my family and myself.
Richard, (Husband) and I were cleaning out our storage room and found some of Tristan's things. Things that we had forgotten about. It's like it all comes flooding back and he was just here yesterday and now he is gone.
9 1/12 months feels like a lifetime and yesterday all at the same time. I still wake up in the morning and remind myself that my child is dead. I have awoken at night and thought I saw him. I have awoken and thought I was touching him but of course he isn't there. It is all in my head or my dreams, I'm not sure. I just know that 10 months isn't enough time to heal a shattered heart.
I haven't been to the cemetary for a couple of weeks. It is just so hard to stand there and look at the grave. I have so many things I want to say to him. ( I am mad at him and I feel guilty about it)
I am mad at God for taking my child, I am mad at myself for not having been there to stop him from making this horrible mistake. I am mad that I have to go through the motions of living a life that I don't want to live anymore.
How is it that I still feel the same way that I did 9 1/2 months ago but I have to move on now. Grief is not an excuse to scream and cry anymore. (or so it seems)
Very few people acknowledge the fact that I am a bereaved parent these days. I don't get that. I will NEVER be anything else but a bereaved parent for the rest of my life on this earth. How dare they not remember my precious son.
I know that people mean well and don't want to make me feel worse than I already do. Honestly, I think if they do mention Tristan or they don't it doesn't matter because nothing anybody says can make me happy right now.
I have been considering going to a counselor. My family thinks that I should be on the road to recovery, (except my husband) I don't feel like "recovering".
Does recovery mean forgetting about my child?? Does moving on mean elimination of this wonderful person that I knew for every minute of his short life? I don't want to forget one second that I spent with Tristan. I want to remember every single nuance of his existance.
I want to hold those memories close in my heart until my own last breath. I feel like I am holding on tight and something else is trying to steal them away from me. (maybe time??)
These last 3 weeks have been hard on my husband and I. We are being told that we have to go forward and live our lives but we are not ready. I believe that moving forward will come in it's own time. You can't force feelings that you don't have and you can't ignore the feelings that you do. So where do I go from here??
I guess I will just have to "hang in there" like I have been for the last 9 1/2 months
That is such a joke. To me hanging in there means my life sucks and nobody else in my life realizes just how bad it sucks.
Its kinda like a code for I am so awful that you don't really want to know the truth.
There is some real comfort in knowing that those of you reading this post know exactly how I feel. And I am sorry for all of us because of that knowledge.
Thanks for holding me up.
Love
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
The last couple of weeks has been hell for my family and myself.
Richard, (Husband) and I were cleaning out our storage room and found some of Tristan's things. Things that we had forgotten about. It's like it all comes flooding back and he was just here yesterday and now he is gone.
9 1/12 months feels like a lifetime and yesterday all at the same time. I still wake up in the morning and remind myself that my child is dead. I have awoken at night and thought I saw him. I have awoken and thought I was touching him but of course he isn't there. It is all in my head or my dreams, I'm not sure. I just know that 10 months isn't enough time to heal a shattered heart.
I haven't been to the cemetary for a couple of weeks. It is just so hard to stand there and look at the grave. I have so many things I want to say to him. ( I am mad at him and I feel guilty about it)
I am mad at God for taking my child, I am mad at myself for not having been there to stop him from making this horrible mistake. I am mad that I have to go through the motions of living a life that I don't want to live anymore.
How is it that I still feel the same way that I did 9 1/2 months ago but I have to move on now. Grief is not an excuse to scream and cry anymore. (or so it seems)
Very few people acknowledge the fact that I am a bereaved parent these days. I don't get that. I will NEVER be anything else but a bereaved parent for the rest of my life on this earth. How dare they not remember my precious son.
I know that people mean well and don't want to make me feel worse than I already do. Honestly, I think if they do mention Tristan or they don't it doesn't matter because nothing anybody says can make me happy right now.
I have been considering going to a counselor. My family thinks that I should be on the road to recovery, (except my husband) I don't feel like "recovering".
Does recovery mean forgetting about my child?? Does moving on mean elimination of this wonderful person that I knew for every minute of his short life? I don't want to forget one second that I spent with Tristan. I want to remember every single nuance of his existance.
I want to hold those memories close in my heart until my own last breath. I feel like I am holding on tight and something else is trying to steal them away from me. (maybe time??)
These last 3 weeks have been hard on my husband and I. We are being told that we have to go forward and live our lives but we are not ready. I believe that moving forward will come in it's own time. You can't force feelings that you don't have and you can't ignore the feelings that you do. So where do I go from here??
I guess I will just have to "hang in there" like I have been for the last 9 1/2 months
That is such a joke. To me hanging in there means my life sucks and nobody else in my life realizes just how bad it sucks.
Its kinda like a code for I am so awful that you don't really want to know the truth.
There is some real comfort in knowing that those of you reading this post know exactly how I feel. And I am sorry for all of us because of that knowledge.
Thanks for holding me up.
Love
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
89
Child Loss / Finally registered and ready to write.
« on: January 15, 2007, 10:22:23 PM »
I have finally figured out this new website. I work retail so the hell a day season was over whelming for me and I really missed everyone on the board. So sad that hackers wiped out the original. I was able to register and read a few posts tonight. So sorry to see so many new members.
My family made it through the "holidays" as best we could. I just ground my teeth and muddled through. It just wasn't right to be celebrating anything with Tristan gone.
I am just so glad it is all over with. It is coming up on 10 months since I have seen my son. 10 Months of tears, regret, pain and all consuming grief. I have cried many many times these last few days. I suppose I am making up for the times in the past six weeks that I have had to shove the tears down inside myself and pretend that my heart isn't broken. I knew on the 26th of December that it was just a matter of time until the dam that I had built inside of me would break and the tears would be free to flow, the grief and pain would once again over whelm me in every sense of the word.
I have really missed this board. Even more than I expected too. I am glad that I have found you all again.
Love
Shelly Tristan's Mom
My family made it through the "holidays" as best we could. I just ground my teeth and muddled through. It just wasn't right to be celebrating anything with Tristan gone.
I am just so glad it is all over with. It is coming up on 10 months since I have seen my son. 10 Months of tears, regret, pain and all consuming grief. I have cried many many times these last few days. I suppose I am making up for the times in the past six weeks that I have had to shove the tears down inside myself and pretend that my heart isn't broken. I knew on the 26th of December that it was just a matter of time until the dam that I had built inside of me would break and the tears would be free to flow, the grief and pain would once again over whelm me in every sense of the word.
I have really missed this board. Even more than I expected too. I am glad that I have found you all again.
Love
Shelly Tristan's Mom