Missing Tristan (long)

[shelly Tristans mom]

Thanks to all that read or replied to my post yesterday.   I have missed this board more than words can say. 

The last couple of weeks has been hell for my family and myself.
Richard, (Husband) and I were cleaning out our storage room and found some of Tristan's things. Things that we had forgotten about. It's like it all comes flooding back and he was just here yesterday and now he is gone.
9 1/12  months feels like a lifetime and yesterday all at the same time.  I still wake up in the morning and remind myself that my child is dead.  I have awoken at night and thought I saw him.  I have awoken and thought I was touching him but of course he isn't there. It is all in my head or my dreams, I'm not sure.  I just know that 10 months isn't enough time to heal a shattered heart.   
I haven't been to the cemetary for a couple of weeks. It is just so hard to stand there and look at the grave.  I have so many things I want to say to him. ( I am mad at him and I feel guilty about it)
I am mad at God for taking my child, I am mad at myself for not having been there to stop him from making this horrible mistake. I am mad that I have to go through the motions of living a life that I don't want to live anymore.
How  is it that I still feel the same way that I did 9 1/2 months ago but I have to move on now. Grief is not an excuse to scream and cry anymore.  (or so it seems)

Very few people acknowledge the fact that I am a bereaved parent these days. I don't get that. I will NEVER be anything else but a bereaved parent for the rest of my life on this earth. How dare they not remember my precious son.

I know that people mean well and don't want to make me feel worse than I already do.  Honestly, I think if they do mention Tristan or they don't it doesn't matter because nothing anybody says can make me happy right now.

 I have been considering going to a counselor. My family thinks that I should be on the road to recovery, (except my husband) I don't feel like "recovering". 

Does recovery mean forgetting about my child?? Does moving on mean elimination of this wonderful person that I knew for every minute of his short life?  I don't want to forget one second that I spent with Tristan.  I want to remember every single nuance of his existance.

I want to hold those memories close in my heart until my own last breath.  I feel like I am holding on tight  and something else is trying to steal them away from me. (maybe time??) 

These last 3 weeks have been hard on my husband and I.  We are being told that we have to go forward and live our lives but we are not ready. I believe that moving forward will come in it's own time.  You can't force feelings that you don't have and you can't ignore the feelings that you do.  So where do I go from here??

I guess I will just have to "hang in there" like I have been for the last 9 1/2 months
That is such a joke. To me hanging in there means my life sucks and nobody else in my life realizes just how bad it sucks.

Its kinda like a code for I am so awful that you don't really want to know the truth.

There is some real comfort in knowing that those of you reading this post know exactly how I feel.  And I am sorry for all of us because of that knowledge.

 Thanks for holding me up.
Love
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

[Rebecca]

U r right, people mean well but don't know when they are saying something that is hurtful to us bereaved parents.  9.5 months is like a second.  Please don't expect anything that you are not ready to do.  Someone on here said that he/she told a person who said he/she should be moving on something like "when you are in my shoes, tell me how you feel about moving on".  I don't think this quote is completely accurate but I think I paraphrased it pretty well.   I know that someone I work with said that she has a certain view on death and it differs from mine and I said in return, when faced with the death of ones child I believe ones view changes.  That shut her up.  It seems like you and your husband are on the same page right now in your grief.  When you are ready you will do what you want and need to do with others.  For now, take care of yourselves.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[shelly Tristans mom]

Rebecca, Thank you so much. I know what you mean about your views changing when faced with the loss of your child. I have questioned just about everything that I thought I believed in these past months.

I hope that eventually I will come to some conclusion or at least a decision about what I still believe.

I know one thing for sure. Everything happens for a reason, and at this point I can't find a reason that is good enough for me to understand why I have to go forward without my precious son.

(((hugs))))
Shelly, Tristan's mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I don't know if this will help or not but I do understand what your saying as I have said these same words and felt so much like you do. I am so frustrated at people who think we just simply go oops and move on::::

My counselor told me we never get over the death of a child, we learn to live with the pain and move with it. I find that is so true, we package our pain away and learn to live with it, but it is always there ready to bubble to the surface. I know my life will NEVER be what it once was and I will never be that person I once was, she left with my daughter. I feel what is left now is a shell of what I use to be. I think differently, feel differently, and react differently. My heart will never heal and I ask WHY everyday and will never understand why my only child whom I cherished had to die. I know if I received an answer I wouldn't like it anyway::::

So now I get up each day and try to find some reason to even bother with life at all. What purpose is there for me me now that I am no longer a Mom????I just can't wrap my mind around it.

If it were not for all of the parents here that have helped me so very much, I truly believe I would be dead now. Unfortunately each of us who understands suffers the same pain and emptiness. It is such a painful bond we share.

Know I GET IT and I know how very much your hurting and missing your precious son Tristan. I wish I could change things for all of us, but all I can do is listen and care.

In my thoughts,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[shelly Tristans mom]

Dottie,
 Thank you so much for the words of understanding.

I don't think that you are no longer a Mom. 

Your child being in heaven doesn't take away your right to that title.

I believe you are a wonderful Mother and I am sure that Tammie would agree.

To me it is a testament to your motherhood every time you post on this board, every time you mention your child's name, every time you think of her.

Thats just how I see it.

(((hugs)))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

[LaVonne]

Please know i care and will be thinking of you  LaVonne

[Marianne]

Dear Shelly,

There is no Time-Line on grief.  I, like you,  am going to grieve and miss and think about my child every day until my last breath on earth.

I remember a quote that someone posted once.  I printed it out and gave it to everyone I know.

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
let me hear the music of my child's name!
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!
                                      - Author Unknown

Tristan, Tristan, Tristan
Alek, Alek, Alek

[Donna Jasons mom]

Hi Shelly:
I know sometimes I get so upset with people because they don't mention my Jason's name, I guess they think it's better for me but it's not,SAYING ALL OF OUR CHILDRENS NAMES OUTLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our lives are just so different and will never be the same!!  We have a huge hole in our hearts that will never go away until we are reunited with our precious children!
I am on this journey for 2 years now and I can tell you that things will "soften" but I still cry everyday and just shake my head in disbelief.
I too am angry with God, myself and Jason for making a bad decision the night he was killed in a car accident.  I guess that will "soften" with time also.
For now and I guess the rest of my life it's one day, one moment, one breathe at a time!!
Please know I care and you are in my thoughts and prayers!!
hugs and love
Donna (Jason's mom)

[faye]

Shelly,

We will never be the same person we once were.  Larry's Angel date was Jan. 7, 2006 and even though it's a year, I feel the same way I did when we just lost him.  I don't really know what my purpose is in life either.  I o love my older son and my husband, but I just can't get past the fact that I will never see or hear from Larry again.  Know that I care and feel your pain.