The new life after the sentancing

[friedgen]

Hi everyone,

The kids and I have found some peace and feel my husband did get justice served.  As much as the legal system would allow.  We are not ready to forgive the lady for what she has taken, but the kids and I are trying to let go of some of the bitterness and move on.  I have put my and my husbands wedding rings on a chain that I wear around my neck.  I have even been out with family and friends and have had a good time.  This last time I did not feel as much guilt.  I told myself that my husband would want me to find fun and happiness again.  I know he loved me and my husband was always about moving on and not staying stuck.  Here comes the hard part.  While I was out the last time, I was asked to dance and the guy stayed at our table and talked to me for awhile and was actually very polite to my brother in law and other family that I was with.  He seemed nice and asked if he could take me out on a date.  At first I had a meltdown in the bathroom and thought how could I do this just 8 months after losing my husband.  But then I thought if we went to a public place and I met him there, I could get a better feel and have  a way out if I needed it.  My mother in law was 39 when she lost my husbands dad and said it was ok to move on.  She said being lonely would not bring Ted back.  I told this guy that my kids had to be ok with it and that they were my priority above anyone else.  I also told him I would not have anything to do with someone that was married or had a girlfriend.  He said he has been divorced 2 yrs. and has two little girls with joint custody.  I grilled him pretty good at the bar.  Anyways,  my mother in law was very supportive and trusts me to be careful.  She has walked in my shoes.  Now here is the part that is bothering me.  My own mother took the news well originally and even seemed to trust me and my judgment.  However,  last night at my daughters 14th bday party, she told me that she was disappointed that I would even consider going on a date with someone I met in a bar.  That she raised me better than that and my standards were too low.  When I reminded her that I met my husband through an ex-boyfriend that I met in a nice bar she said I just got lucky.  As it turns out that ex-boyfriend stayed close friends with my husband and I for the last 18yrs.  I am not sure what to think.  Than last night my brother in law and sister in law had a huge fight in my garage after everyone else went home.  It got very nasty.  I had to tell my sister in law to back off and calm down.  My kids were in the house and did not see it.  Thank heavens.  My brother and sister in law have been through this for the last 2years or so and may very possibly end in divorce.  There has already been sooo much hurt.  I would love any advice on any of this.  My family is getting tired of all this pain, when to we get to heal and feel normal again?  Am I doing the wrong thing by agreeing to go on a date.  I have talked to my kids about this in detail and they are ok with it for now.  I have let them know that they come first and I will never stop loving their dad.  I hate this new life, I sooo want my old one back.  Thank you for listening.

Friedgen

[sevenofwands]

Hello Friedgen:

Good to read your post.  Look:  what you do is ENTIRELY your own business.  You have spoken with your children about it, and there the matter rests.  You are an adult woman, who has been married, has two children, and (pardon me) it is not your mother's place to tell you what to do or not to do.  I also think her remarks are way out of line (standards too low indeed!!).  I am right on your side, Friedgen, and in your place I would be very very indignant indeed.  You are perfectly entitled to meet this man, to make new friends, to meet as many people as you like in fact.  (Thankfully, the dark ages are long gone LOL).

Sorry to hear your in-laws had a fight in your garage last night and that you were upset.  Well, that (and their possible divorce, or otherwise) is THEIR problem, and should not be a burden for you.  Nor should you be required to step in as a referee.  You have enough on your plate as it is.

I am sure your great good sense will take you through all this, and much more, Friedgen.  Be your own woman, listen to your own instincts, and switch off the "radio interference" from others.  LOL.

All the best
Seven

[Jap Jr]

friegden;
I am still new at only 4 1/2 months, so don't know what I have to say will be of any help, and I have a melt down even in church every time I go; did this morning again. I guess you have to do what feels right for you; there is no time limit on anything. You have told everyone about it; even your children are ok you said and your mother-in-law, but if I remember correctly, your mom wasn't all that keen when your daughter wanted to testify at first, either. Hope you don't mind me saying this, but don't think that was fair of her to judge you or the man because it is a bar. From your posts, you seem very sensible and honest in your relationship you had with your husband. Doesn't mean people are bad because they go to a "bar". If you do go on the date, you are correct - it is a good idea to drive separate, so you can leave if you decide not to even meet him, or leave if you are uncomfortable.
Sorry to hear about the fight in your garage; good thing your children did not hear it. You have enough on your plate already and don't need that.
Praying for some peace for you and that you make the right decision FOR YOU.
Take deep breaths, I know I have to lately.
I hate this new life, this journey we are all on that we didn't ask for - I agree with you and I would like my old life back too, and everything with it! I miss Jim so much.
(((HUGS))) to you

Kay

[carrieset]

friegden:

Was happy to read your post and that you are doing well and the kids are.   It is nice that your MIL is supportive of you and would encourage you to go on a date.  I say go for it and enjoy yourself.  We can't have our partners back and we would want the same for them if they we here - happiness.  Something to look forward to.

As for meeting him a bar, so what?  I can tell by all your posts you are a very level-headed lady and wouldn't "lower" your standards just because you met someone in a bar.

I met my first husband in a bar and he was actually very wonderful for many years of marriage, then something happened   long story.  And when I dated after the divorce I met a couple really nice guys in bars and would meet them for dinner, drove separate. 

So just go, have a good time; it's not like you are looking for a replacement for your spouse.

Sorry about the fight in the garage; my new motto is "life is way too short".

Carrie

[futbllwmn]

Friegden... I met my wonderful husband on the internet (yikes)..We had 13 wonderful years with each other.  Here's my 2 cents (for what it's worth)... as long as your children are OK with it why should anyone else matter?  Your children are your first priority.. you are second and everyone else doesn't matter.  The one thing I have learned in the last 10 months is that I do what I want, when I want.  I am truly sorry if that does not suit some people (family or not) but I really don't care what they think.  Unless you have been down this road you have NO idea what it's like.  Do what you want to do.. you will make the right decision.

Peace

Joyce

[friedgen]

Thank you sooo much for all of your responses.  It is sooo nice to know that other people do not see me as irresponsible and a bad mom.  I think my mom just does not get what I am feeling.  She is so protective of the kids and I and she loved my husband like a son.  She is being a mom, but I wish she could trust me now that I am 43 and not 23.  She knows how much I loved my husband, and before I am done this guy will know that.  I plan on being straight forward and honest about my kids and what my husband meant to me.  My thought is if that scares him, that is ok.  I do not need anyone to try and step in my husbands place.  I will try to keep my head on straight through this and probably talk to my husband before I leave and ask him to watch over me.  Thank you again.


Friedgen