Fiance's exwife keeps him from his daughter

[NurseMom2009]

My fiance's and his ex have an 8 year old daughter with disabilities.  She can't talk, except for a few words, but she does sign a little. She is very small for her age and is extremely developmentally delayed. She also has a seizure disorder. She is so pretty and adorable and he and I love her to death. Our problem is his ex-wife. She has been denying him access to his daughter starting with moving an hour a way from him. (She actually said in court documents that she moved to keep her daughter away from her Dad). She uses his daughter's disability to get her own way with everything including the courts. She has said that if his daughter spends the night with us (which she hasn't allowed her to do for months) it effects her behavior, messes up her routine and causes all kind of problems.  Every other weekend when it's his time to see his daughter there's always a reason why he can't have her.  She'll be sick, or she has a temp, or she hasn't had enough sleep. His daughter has speech and physical therapy and his ex had the speech therapy scheduled for Saturday afternoons! So, of course every other weekend he can't even pick her up until after therapy and then she won't let us keep her overnight. We spend more time in the car driving an hour to and from, then barely having time with her.
 Now the ex is taking him to court to have his parenting time reduced, claiming he doesn't use his current parenting time! Of course, she neglects to say that SHE is the one stopping him from seeing the child. Her idea of his parenting time is that he picks her up one day every 2 weeks, takes her out to eat for an hour or 2 and comes home. Nothing else will do.
 This has caused my fiance and I so much pain and upset.  The financial aspect of going to court to defend our rights and keep his little girl in our life is also daunting. I don't understand the need for ex spouses to be so cruel. The very minimum is every other weekend for 2 days, and we can't even have that.  I never had this problem with my own ex as our children were grown when we divorced. But, this is new to me and I try to be supportive for my fiance, but he is so sad. I hope we don't lose what little time we have with her already.
 Thanks for listening

[georgiapeaches]

Hi nursemom,
Sorry for all your problems, this little girl sounds so precious. Its a shame that your fiances ex is doing that, it sounds like she is using the little girl as a pawn or something. My friend went through the same thing and the poor child was the one who suffered the most. Does the little girl have a child advocate? someone your fiance can talk to on his side maybe? Other than that it sounds like you really need a good lawyer to help you guys. I really hope things start to work out for you and your fiance and especially that little precious baby. All the best to you.

Georgia.

[NurseMom2009]

Yes, we have an appointment to see a lawyer next week. So far our experience with lawyers hasn't been all that great either, but hopefully this guy will help out.  She definitely does use his daughter as a pawn to hurt him. She's remarried so I'm not sure why she still has so much bitterness. All we want is to see her every other week. Unfortunately, with the ex it's her way or the highway. Thanks for your response Georgia.
 Susan

[sevenofwands]

Susan:

I agree with Georgia that it is important to see a lawyer on this matter, and also to try to discover the reasons why your fiancé's ex is taking this stance.  There are, always, two sides to every story.  I feel it is important to get this out in the open, also for the child's sake.

I wish you all the best
Seven

[Jeanneb]

Wow... it is always amazing to me when people don't put the kids first and think what is best for them.  I had one thought and that is this Saturday therapy... why can't dad take her, participate and then she go home with him straight after???

Sounds like a control issue going on here with the ex.

Does dad have court visitation papers that spell out his current rights?   If so, mom can't deny him and he could take those papers and actually call in the police to allow him to take his child.   Does he keep a log of him going to see her and being denied??  I think the court would want times, dates, etc. to help build his case for seeing his child.

There are also groups out there that support the father's rights... you might google and see what you can find in your area.

I'm not much of a lawyer fan myself but I certainly would consult a good family lawyer and find your legal grounds.  If it were my child and I wanted to be in her life than I would do what it takes.  Maybe these 2 parents need to sit down with a mediator to help iron things out and dad can try and reassure the ex by sticking to whatever schedule the child is on if that is a problem.

I sure hope it works out in the favor of this child... it takes a village and there is never too much love.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[NurseMom2009]

Thanks for everyones response! Seven, my fiance and his ex-wife had a very bitter divorce. He caught her in an affair, but of course in court she denied it. Ever since the divorce she has tried to hurt him, but she knows the way to really hurt him is to deny him access to his daughter. It's the one thing she can do to really put the needle to him. She has a child with another spouse and she did the same thing to him, it just seems to be her way to control and hurt others.
 Jeanne we do have visitation papers but believe it or not it has been hard to enforce. She was sited for contempt of court for withholding his daughter but it is truly just a slap on the wrist. They don't enforce it, they didn't put her jail, they didn't fine her, they do nothing. I really don't know if this lawyer can help or not, but we are hoping so. I know my fiance would agree to a mediator, so perhaps that could be worked out in court.
 Thank you again to all for responding, Susan

[sevenofwands]

That puts a different slant on things, Susan.  By the sounds of it, your son's ex has, how shall I put it, a possible personality problem.  This is not going to be an easy fight, but perhaps your lawyer could apply to the court to have a psychological assessment made of this person. 

Seven

[Luvinmike]

Dear Susan- I would document everything and continually. I would also consider trying for both a Child Advocate or Guardian ad-Litem (sp?) from the court- they assess the legal rights as an objective attorney and both parents have to pay for this if they cannot settle the custody issues. Also, there are many reasons to try to get a lawyer through your state disability services at no cost to your husband. He can do this by searching out free legal help for people w/ disabilities and providing evidence ( documentation) that the disabled child is being denied her legal right to time with her Dad.
 If he has a safe environment then a lawyer who specializes in helping with disability law may be a fast way to get the ex to stop the manipulation. It is Federal law that people with disabilities are not denied their rights,"Time with Dad," just as healthy kids must not be denied their rights. Maybe that type of angle will help keep the attorney costs down as it is an interesting case for a disability attorney I think.
I would also recommend your husband push for more time as one hour drive is not that bad- He needs to try to get her for a vacation and definitely he must be participating in her education. Keep track of refusals and Good Luck to you all. Most especially the little girl. Terri

[NurseMom2009]

My fiance had his appointment with the lawyer today for nearly 90 minutes. He had some suggestions about how to plan to handle the ex-wife.  He seems very aggressive which is the first time we've had a lawyer who seemed to want to be pro-active. Apparently, the ex-wife (thru) her lawyer has said she would like it if my fiance didn't get to see his daughter AT ALL. Her exact words. I'm really not surprised, as it seems like all alone that was her aim.  She has had their daughter designated as a "castle" child due to her disability. It means that he will pay child support for the rest of his daughter's life because she'll never be able to be independent. My fiance said he has no problem with that and in fact had decided some time ago that that's the way it would probably be.  But, I am shocked that she would expect child support for the rest of his life, but try to take away all his visitation? If that happens I'll lose total faith in the justice system. Thanks again for everyone's input and suggestions. Susan

[sevenofwands]

Do let us know how things go, Susan.  I hope everything improves, and that this unpleasant situation gets sorted out.

Seven

[Leomair10]

Can I know how old are the children? All I know is that when there children are beyond 7 years old or somthing 8-year old, they must be under the consent of their mother. Am I right?



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[laurenE]

Leomair10,

I'm showing that you are from the Phillipines,  not an atty from Orange County California.

Please do not false advertise on this websight.

thank you