Kay, it is all still too fresh for you to deal with. you're dealing with the physical loss of your soul mate being gone and you're dealing with legal stuff and taking care of your family and friends, all while going on with your life and normal routines. You're still in the fog. You want your hubby but he's gone forever. You need someone to hug, to sleep with, to cry with, someone to talk to.
I know this probably sounds silly and I haven't told anyone but it's helped. Go out to a toy store (or Walmart or Target) and find a really nice, soft teddy bear. Feel him, pet him, look at him, look in his eyes. Find one that grabs your attention, that makes you want to look twice, makes you want to hold him. (Kind of like a little puppy or kitten). Buy it and take it home and put it on your bed. Put it on your hubby's pillow and tuck him in. hold him at night, hug him, talk to him, cry on his shoulder.
I was in a drug store and saw some stuffed animals that had packets in their bodies that you could heat or freeze to place on tight muscles. They had dogs and cats and bears. I saw Buddy Bear (yeah, that's what his name was) and he was so cute. He had the brownest eyes and a nice round head. He sits up (because of the bag of beans or rice or whatever it is in his tummy and bottom). He looked so intelligent and understanding. he was $20 and I wasn't going to get him because that was a lot of money for a stuffed heating/cooling bag so I walked around the aisle but I walked back and looked at him again and I swore he was looking at me with his big brown compassionate eyes. Well, I ended up buying him and he sits on a shelf on my bed. I sit him next to my pillow when I go to sleep every night. i always pat his head and his tummy and sometimes hug him or cry on his head. He's a comfort because I know Buddy's always there waiting for me.
I bought a new bed, downsizing from king size to full size less than four months after my hubby died, mainly because of the memories. I'd bought a new king size bed less than ten months earlier but my hubby was bedridden by then so spent all his days except when he was hospitalized in that bed. I changed his diapers, cleaned up after him, bathed him, did his physical therapy there, gave him his insulin and other shots, took care of his wounds, helped him get out of bed when he was still able or lifted/pulled/dragged him out of bed when he wasn't able to do it himself. The bed had too many memories of him as an invalid and no matter where I moved the bed around the bedroom, I kept visualizing him as he was when he was last there. It wasn't practical to give away a ten month old bed that had cost $1200 or more or two sets of 400 count sheets or the king size electric mattess pad or the comforter that cost $70 on sale but it was a matter of survival. I bought a new full size bed, new sheets, new blankets, new comforter, new electric mattress pad, new pillows, and totally rearranged the bedroom. Now I don't picture my hubby as an invalid anymore but have replaced that vision with him playing his guitar, riding his motorcycle, piloting the airplane, scuba diving in the lake, activities he loved but hadn't been able to do in a year.
