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1
Main / Is crying really as healing as people say?
« on: September 06, 2009, 11:57:30 AM »
I was thinking that I should allow myself to cry and feel the pain because that is the only way to eventually accept it. But you know what? The more I cry, the more miserable I am. The pain gets worse. So I'm wondering if maybe that is the wrong choice. Maybe I'm supposed to be making a "choice" to be productive and not let myself drive around aimlessly in my car crying and screaming and hitting my hand on the steering wheel. It seems like a good release since I can't act like that at home or anywhere else, but at the same time, I feel I'm getting worse and worse and having a harder time functioning. My crying doesn't seem to be cleansing me of pain, it's just adding stuff and making me dwell on certain things.
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Main / After the first year
« on: September 02, 2009, 09:06:37 PM »
I saw this on another site. I'm not near the year mark but I thought some of you might want to read it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THE FIRST YEAR . . . THEN WHAT?
The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions – emotions many of us have never experienced or at least not to the same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief and hold on to HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes; no two are alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions/observations may help you:
1. Beware of becoming critical of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.
2. A different level of reality may hit us. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long term implications.
3. If the death is unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult.
4. It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. We may have handled grief by overactivity (workaholic, etc.). If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches such as: become more active in a support group; find telephone friends; read about grief; develop coping skills; become determined not to become stuck in our grief; do our grief work; HOLD ON TO HOPE.
5. It is vital to find a friend with whom you may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression. You can find such help in a support group.
6. We should carefully consider the phases of grief. One or more phases may be giving us trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the phase and work on it. Don’t push it down or ignore it.
7. Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with spouse, children, work, other family members or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief.
8. You may or may not cry as often, as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don’t fight the tears. As the author Jean G. Jones says in TIME OUT FOR GRIEF, “cry when you have to – laugh when you can.”
9. Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a checkup.
10. Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy….
11. Check frequently that you have balance in your life – work, recreation (including exercises, hobbies, reading), adequate rest and prayer.
12. Don’t be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal….
13. Our grief may seem “out of control.” We may feel as if we are “going crazy.” This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize grief work takes time. Much more time than we think it should. Be patient with yourself.
14. Be aware of a lowered self-esteem. We might think to ourselves, “I don’t like the person I’ve become.” Often it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves to be handling our grief better – no doubt we are doing better than we give ourselves credit.
15. We often hear “Time will heal.” Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what we do with time: read, talk, struggle with the phases, get help when we become stuck in a phase, be gentle with ourselves, lower our expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray to our loved one.
16. It helps to consider that our loved ones are happy – free of pain and hassles – that we will be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible. They want this for you.
17. PRIDE may be one of your greatest stumbling blocks. You may think that you should be doing much better – you may not want to acknowledge that you need help.
18. Vibes from friends may openly or subconsciously be, “Shape up – you must be over it now. Get on with living,” etc. You not only experience the death of a loved one, but you feel abandoned by friends and even family. Find others to talk with who understand. These friends may come from those who attend the support group meetings.
19. Loneliness may seem to engulf us as we look ahead to a life without our loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work (support groups always need help with phoning, mailings, research, etc.) and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too.
20. If you feel guilty, it must be acknowledged – not suppressed. Really look at the “if onlys.” Hopefully YOU and only you will be able to say to yourself, “I did the best that I could at the time – so did my loved one.”
21. WHY??? If the “why” is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better.
22. Realize that anger may be at ourselves, God, the person who died, those in the helping professions who did not seem to understand or help. Acknowledging our anger is the first step in releasing its power over us.
23. Don’t expect too much of your family. They, too, have their hands full of grief.
24. Consider even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had them in your life at all.
25. Set realistic goals for the future – realistic is the key word. Pinpoint your most acute concerns. Think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and implement it.
26. So many of us have been brought up to be independent; “I’m going to handle this grief myself.” We find it difficult to ask for help. Yet we need help. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in your working through your grief. Force yourself to reach out to help.
27. Often, when we slide back into the pits, we panic. We hate the feeling. Irrationally we feel that we will remain there. It is important to realize we have been in the pits before, and will be again, but we WILL GET BETTER.
28. Be a fighter against giving up and becoming stuck in grief, as 15% do. A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover. It is up to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER THE FIRST YEAR . . . THEN WHAT?
The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions – emotions many of us have never experienced or at least not to the same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief and hold on to HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes; no two are alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions/observations may help you:
1. Beware of becoming critical of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.
2. A different level of reality may hit us. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long term implications.
3. If the death is unexpected, some say that the second year is even more difficult.
4. It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. We may have handled grief by overactivity (workaholic, etc.). If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches such as: become more active in a support group; find telephone friends; read about grief; develop coping skills; become determined not to become stuck in our grief; do our grief work; HOLD ON TO HOPE.
5. It is vital to find a friend with whom you may talk. This is the one significant factor that prevents people from sliding into deep depression. You can find such help in a support group.
6. We should carefully consider the phases of grief. One or more phases may be giving us trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the phase and work on it. Don’t push it down or ignore it.
7. Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with spouse, children, work, other family members or friends). Realize this happens to many grieving people and it does complicate your grief.
8. You may or may not cry as often, as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don’t fight the tears. As the author Jean G. Jones says in TIME OUT FOR GRIEF, “cry when you have to – laugh when you can.”
9. Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a checkup.
10. Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy….
11. Check frequently that you have balance in your life – work, recreation (including exercises, hobbies, reading), adequate rest and prayer.
12. Don’t be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal….
13. Our grief may seem “out of control.” We may feel as if we are “going crazy.” This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize grief work takes time. Much more time than we think it should. Be patient with yourself.
14. Be aware of a lowered self-esteem. We might think to ourselves, “I don’t like the person I’ve become.” Often it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves to be handling our grief better – no doubt we are doing better than we give ourselves credit.
15. We often hear “Time will heal.” Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what we do with time: read, talk, struggle with the phases, get help when we become stuck in a phase, be gentle with ourselves, lower our expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray to our loved one.
16. It helps to consider that our loved ones are happy – free of pain and hassles – that we will be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible. They want this for you.
17. PRIDE may be one of your greatest stumbling blocks. You may think that you should be doing much better – you may not want to acknowledge that you need help.
18. Vibes from friends may openly or subconsciously be, “Shape up – you must be over it now. Get on with living,” etc. You not only experience the death of a loved one, but you feel abandoned by friends and even family. Find others to talk with who understand. These friends may come from those who attend the support group meetings.
19. Loneliness may seem to engulf us as we look ahead to a life without our loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work (support groups always need help with phoning, mailings, research, etc.) and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too.
20. If you feel guilty, it must be acknowledged – not suppressed. Really look at the “if onlys.” Hopefully YOU and only you will be able to say to yourself, “I did the best that I could at the time – so did my loved one.”
21. WHY??? If the “why” is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better.
22. Realize that anger may be at ourselves, God, the person who died, those in the helping professions who did not seem to understand or help. Acknowledging our anger is the first step in releasing its power over us.
23. Don’t expect too much of your family. They, too, have their hands full of grief.
24. Consider even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had them in your life at all.
25. Set realistic goals for the future – realistic is the key word. Pinpoint your most acute concerns. Think of all possible solutions. Choose one solution at a time and implement it.
26. So many of us have been brought up to be independent; “I’m going to handle this grief myself.” We find it difficult to ask for help. Yet we need help. Asking for help from caring people can make a big difference in your working through your grief. Force yourself to reach out to help.
27. Often, when we slide back into the pits, we panic. We hate the feeling. Irrationally we feel that we will remain there. It is important to realize we have been in the pits before, and will be again, but we WILL GET BETTER.
28. Be a fighter against giving up and becoming stuck in grief, as 15% do. A determination to work through grief may be one of the common denominators of those who recover. It is up to you.
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Main / Best self-help techniques
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:14:50 PM »
List the things you've done for yourself that you feel have helped the most.
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Main / Miscellaneous...
« on: September 01, 2009, 10:13:56 AM »
This thread could be for little things that come up that might not require a whole new thread, but that don't fit into any other topics.
It could be for off-topic issues as well.
It could be for off-topic issues as well.
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Main / So many estranged families....
« on: August 29, 2009, 02:47:14 PM »
Just venting...
I was at the post office and this woman started talking to me. She was telling me her life story, anyway, bottom line, she's estranged from her son, who only lives a short distance from her. I started thinking about all the people I know who don't have relationships with their parents and it started pissing me off! She was probably in her 70's and I was thinking how sad that they are wasting precious time.
I just feel that so many people I know don't appreciate their lives and how they haven't had a major loss yet. Then someone like me, who already lost a Dad when he was pretty young, has to suddenly lose the only parent they have left. Even the grief counselor I saw told me it's "unusual" for someone my age to have lost both parents. I just feel like screaming to people who are estranged that they should just do what they can to move past their issues because one day they won't get to.
So right now I'm hating life. Everything is so unfair. Good people get screwed for no reason and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. People who are good die way too soon and people who are hateful live forever. Life really stinks.
I was at the post office and this woman started talking to me. She was telling me her life story, anyway, bottom line, she's estranged from her son, who only lives a short distance from her. I started thinking about all the people I know who don't have relationships with their parents and it started pissing me off! She was probably in her 70's and I was thinking how sad that they are wasting precious time.
I just feel that so many people I know don't appreciate their lives and how they haven't had a major loss yet. Then someone like me, who already lost a Dad when he was pretty young, has to suddenly lose the only parent they have left. Even the grief counselor I saw told me it's "unusual" for someone my age to have lost both parents. I just feel like screaming to people who are estranged that they should just do what they can to move past their issues because one day they won't get to.
So right now I'm hating life. Everything is so unfair. Good people get screwed for no reason and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. People who are good die way too soon and people who are hateful live forever. Life really stinks.
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Main / Are they watching over us?
« on: August 25, 2009, 10:39:38 PM »
I always felt my Mom was watching over me and could see me or at least sense what was going on.
Today in the grief share group I attend, the Pastor said they are not looking down on us according the bible. He said they are in heaven but not watching over us. They are with God and can't see us. We have to go to them eventually when we die if we are believers. He said our only connection to them is through God. The entire group agreed with him and listed all the scriptures that address this issue.
I've never been a very religious person so I don't know the bible inside and out like the people in the group do. I "assumed" that Chirstians believed that our loved ones were watching over us. I was thinking that too and felt kind of sad to think it's not true. I know we can all believe what we want, but still I was surprised that the bible apparently says no.
I'm just curious what other people's opinions about this are.
Today in the grief share group I attend, the Pastor said they are not looking down on us according the bible. He said they are in heaven but not watching over us. They are with God and can't see us. We have to go to them eventually when we die if we are believers. He said our only connection to them is through God. The entire group agreed with him and listed all the scriptures that address this issue.
I've never been a very religious person so I don't know the bible inside and out like the people in the group do. I "assumed" that Chirstians believed that our loved ones were watching over us. I was thinking that too and felt kind of sad to think it's not true. I know we can all believe what we want, but still I was surprised that the bible apparently says no.
I'm just curious what other people's opinions about this are.
7
Main / Question about belongings
« on: August 24, 2009, 03:16:05 PM »
My Mom really wanted me to be the one who goes through all her stuff. She was very private.
Lately, I have weird thoughts that I could die any minute. I have heart palpitations and so on. I know I need to see a doctor, but even if I do and everything looks fine, I could still drop dead. It happens all the time without warning.
So my question is....I'm feeling kind of anxious because I almost feel like I should be going through her stuff now just in case something happens to me. But I'm so afraid I might give away something that I end up regretting. It's only been 5 weeks. I know that normally you are supposed to wait a year before you do anything.
I don't know what to do. I want to take care of stuff for my Mom's sake like she wanted me to. But I don't want to rush into either. If I knew I would still be around in a year, I would wait.
Opinions?
Lately, I have weird thoughts that I could die any minute. I have heart palpitations and so on. I know I need to see a doctor, but even if I do and everything looks fine, I could still drop dead. It happens all the time without warning.
So my question is....I'm feeling kind of anxious because I almost feel like I should be going through her stuff now just in case something happens to me. But I'm so afraid I might give away something that I end up regretting. It's only been 5 weeks. I know that normally you are supposed to wait a year before you do anything.
I don't know what to do. I want to take care of stuff for my Mom's sake like she wanted me to. But I don't want to rush into either. If I knew I would still be around in a year, I would wait.
Opinions?
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Main / Thoughts on moving to another state
« on: August 19, 2009, 11:59:46 AM »
Have any of you moved to another state after your loss?
How did that work out?
I've been realizing that there's really nothing for me now in the state I'm living. I
I miss having a family. I guess I never really did have much of a family though, except for my Mom. My Dad had 7 kids with 3 different wives. There was never a real system in place for me since I was the youngest. After my parents divorced, I was left alone. Blended families can be hard. I haven't ever had those older siblings looking out for me. Not that I need it, I can take care of myself. But I still would have liked having that sense of trust and connection. I only had that with my Mom.
I'm thinking about moving to another state if anything happens to my stepdad. It could be in months or years, I have no idea. He is healthy now, thank God, but he's also very old and battling many illnesses. I would move to the state my parents are from. I was thinking maybe being close to my Mom's side of the family would at least give me some sense of family, even a little. Plus, my career goals could be pursued there. When I was young I always wanted to move there but I guess my Mom never wanted to go back.
I know that sometimes people can give insight into things that the person themselves can't see. So I think we can all get good feedback from each other.
What are your opinions about moving? Is it just running away or can it be a very positive thing to do?
How did that work out?
I've been realizing that there's really nothing for me now in the state I'm living. I
I miss having a family. I guess I never really did have much of a family though, except for my Mom. My Dad had 7 kids with 3 different wives. There was never a real system in place for me since I was the youngest. After my parents divorced, I was left alone. Blended families can be hard. I haven't ever had those older siblings looking out for me. Not that I need it, I can take care of myself. But I still would have liked having that sense of trust and connection. I only had that with my Mom.
I'm thinking about moving to another state if anything happens to my stepdad. It could be in months or years, I have no idea. He is healthy now, thank God, but he's also very old and battling many illnesses. I would move to the state my parents are from. I was thinking maybe being close to my Mom's side of the family would at least give me some sense of family, even a little. Plus, my career goals could be pursued there. When I was young I always wanted to move there but I guess my Mom never wanted to go back.
I know that sometimes people can give insight into things that the person themselves can't see. So I think we can all get good feedback from each other.
What are your opinions about moving? Is it just running away or can it be a very positive thing to do?
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Main / Their gifts
« on: August 17, 2009, 05:30:04 PM »
Sometimes we focus all our thoughts on the loss of the person and not enough on what we gained from the person. Maybe it's healthy to think about all the lessons and blessings they brought to us.
I am going to try and remind myself about this each morning, because my mornings are getting harder and harder.
I am going to try and remind myself about this each morning, because my mornings are getting harder and harder.
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Main / Project ideas?
« on: August 15, 2009, 01:59:42 PM »
I decided that since at this point, I can't work (unless I find a job that lets me come home every couple hours to check on and feed my stepdad)...I decided maybe I should focus on organizing and cleaning.
So how can I do that when I also don't want to change anything in the house? I want to keep everything as she had it. It hasn't even been one month. I need to focus on something but I'm afraid if I start reorganizing I will regret changing anything. They say to wait a year.
I need some type of project to focus on and be productive, but it has to be at home. My Mom has some half-finished projects that involve scrapbooking and knitting but I'm not at a place where I could do that type of thing without being depressed.
Any ideas?
So how can I do that when I also don't want to change anything in the house? I want to keep everything as she had it. It hasn't even been one month. I need to focus on something but I'm afraid if I start reorganizing I will regret changing anything. They say to wait a year.
I need some type of project to focus on and be productive, but it has to be at home. My Mom has some half-finished projects that involve scrapbooking and knitting but I'm not at a place where I could do that type of thing without being depressed.
Any ideas?
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Main / Creating a "new normal"
« on: August 12, 2009, 09:28:53 PM »
The grief group last night talked about how a person has to create "a new normal" because you can't get your old life back once someone dies. What was normal to you before is now gone. I really REALLY hate my "new normal." I want my old life back with my Mom in it.
Today was my birthday and it was the worst ever. I had a very strange day of basically crying the whole time. I drove around all day and cried. I kept thinking about how this is the anniversary of when she gave birth. So I was envisioning her in the hospital after giving birth to me and wondering what was happening. I was wondering if my Dad brought her flowers and who visited her in the hospital. I never thought of that before and now I wish I would have made the day more about her when she was alive. I should have congratulated her more.
I did have coffee with someone from the "grief share" group and she unloaded the dramatic story of her life on me. I had to get out of there after 2 hours. Then I went and just drove around and cried. Just sobbing like a kid. I let myself do it because I know I have to let it all out.
My Mom always decorated her cards and gifts really beautifully. It's funny that I miss that the most more than the actual gift itself (which was always very generous). The way she took the time to put stickers on the envelope or things like that are what I missed the most today. I actually didn't get any b-day cards at all except for an early one last week. I did get a lot of phone calls though but I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Some people wanted to come over but again I really felt like being on my own. I can't pretend to be fine when I'm not.
So I guess one aspect of my "new normal" is that I won't ever get to see those pretty cards and decorated envelopes again. I'm glad I saved all the ones she gave me over the years.
I don't like my new normal.
Today was my birthday and it was the worst ever. I had a very strange day of basically crying the whole time. I drove around all day and cried. I kept thinking about how this is the anniversary of when she gave birth. So I was envisioning her in the hospital after giving birth to me and wondering what was happening. I was wondering if my Dad brought her flowers and who visited her in the hospital. I never thought of that before and now I wish I would have made the day more about her when she was alive. I should have congratulated her more.
I did have coffee with someone from the "grief share" group and she unloaded the dramatic story of her life on me. I had to get out of there after 2 hours. Then I went and just drove around and cried. Just sobbing like a kid. I let myself do it because I know I have to let it all out.
My Mom always decorated her cards and gifts really beautifully. It's funny that I miss that the most more than the actual gift itself (which was always very generous). The way she took the time to put stickers on the envelope or things like that are what I missed the most today. I actually didn't get any b-day cards at all except for an early one last week. I did get a lot of phone calls though but I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Some people wanted to come over but again I really felt like being on my own. I can't pretend to be fine when I'm not.
So I guess one aspect of my "new normal" is that I won't ever get to see those pretty cards and decorated envelopes again. I'm glad I saved all the ones she gave me over the years.
I don't like my new normal.
13
Main / Daily accomplishments
« on: August 09, 2009, 09:04:24 PM »
I thought we could list all the productive things we did today. This can be an ongoing list if you want. I was thinking maybe it's good to acknowledge the positive steps we're trying to make. Even if they seem like small things, doing something small is better than nothing.
14
Main / Overeating
« on: August 08, 2009, 08:07:39 PM »
Has anyone had a problem with overeating as a way of coping with grief?
At first I couldn't eat anything. I lost 15 pounds very fast.
But lately I notice I'm turning to food anytime I start to feel bad.
That can be very dangerous. I'm not sure how to stop myself.
At first I couldn't eat anything. I lost 15 pounds very fast.
But lately I notice I'm turning to food anytime I start to feel bad.
That can be very dangerous. I'm not sure how to stop myself.
15
Main / Pain of losing parents verses spouse
« on: August 08, 2009, 11:21:19 AM »
I'm just curious after reading so many of the posts here. Those of you who have lost your spouses or SO, have you also lost your parents? Or are your parents helping you through?
I'm just curious if losing a spouse is a harder grief than losing parents. I have never been married so I can't relate to the loss of a spouse. To me it seems like the loss of a parent is harder in some ways. I understand it's ALL hard. I'm just curious because some people here who are having a very hard time losing a spouse didn't express having as hard a time losing a parent. So I'm wondering if there's a different in the type of grief.
I'm just curious if losing a spouse is a harder grief than losing parents. I have never been married so I can't relate to the loss of a spouse. To me it seems like the loss of a parent is harder in some ways. I understand it's ALL hard. I'm just curious because some people here who are having a very hard time losing a spouse didn't express having as hard a time losing a parent. So I'm wondering if there's a different in the type of grief.
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