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31
Main / PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TODAY; DREADED DR APPT AFTER LONG TIME OF CAREGIVING
« on: February 12, 2009, 10:31:40 PM »
Hi all:
Please pray for me on Friday as I am going to have blood pressure checked again and full physical after many years.
After 2.8 years of taking care of Laurence with aggressive brain tumors, I now know I have to take care of me. And I don't feel so great. Lost my health insurance after Laurence's first surgery because of lack of focus to work and taking care of him. Anyway got back insurance at the end of October and now need to get my health back. He died 7 weeks ago and it has taken a huge toll on me physically and in every other way.
Caregiving is a tough job, especially when you in the end have to watch for 2 months someone lose their mind right in front of you. A beautiful man, with a beautiful mind, left me.............
Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It's been a long journey for me. As Laurence called all of this, "opporunities to trust God" and he did.
Now he is gone and I need to trust God to provide for me financially and health-wise.
Peace and prayers to all of you,
Carrie
Please pray for me on Friday as I am going to have blood pressure checked again and full physical after many years.
After 2.8 years of taking care of Laurence with aggressive brain tumors, I now know I have to take care of me. And I don't feel so great. Lost my health insurance after Laurence's first surgery because of lack of focus to work and taking care of him. Anyway got back insurance at the end of October and now need to get my health back. He died 7 weeks ago and it has taken a huge toll on me physically and in every other way.
Caregiving is a tough job, especially when you in the end have to watch for 2 months someone lose their mind right in front of you. A beautiful man, with a beautiful mind, left me.............
Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It's been a long journey for me. As Laurence called all of this, "opporunities to trust God" and he did.
Now he is gone and I need to trust God to provide for me financially and health-wise.
Peace and prayers to all of you,
Carrie
32
Main / IS IT COMMON TO HAVE PHYSICAL AILMENTS AFTER SOMEONE'S DEATH
« on: February 11, 2009, 11:06:43 PM »
Since Laurence died 7 weeks ago today, I have had so many physical problems. Neck pain, back pain, leg pains. Heart racing at different times during the day.
I am just a little tiny person and Laurence was 6'1" and 235 lbs when he died. He was normally 250. He ate right to the last 4 days before he went into a coma.
I spent one month at his house doing 24/7 care for him and he was bedridden so I had to change him, the linens, and try to move him to do that. He was pretty much paralyzed on one side because of last surgery damage and then a grand maul seizure. It was very very difficult and the aches started then, but they got worse after he died. His son who got married last year to a woman who is a multi-millionare wouldn't even spend 10 minutes with him, let alone change his bedding.
Oh I guess their life goes on.........
Am still living on a diet of Ensure, yoghurt shakes and bananas. Praying for an appetite to come back and some motivation to start working again. I guess between the physical aches and pains and 2 nice toothaches that will work fine for me?? Where did my caregiver go??
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support.
Carrie
I am just a little tiny person and Laurence was 6'1" and 235 lbs when he died. He was normally 250. He ate right to the last 4 days before he went into a coma.
I spent one month at his house doing 24/7 care for him and he was bedridden so I had to change him, the linens, and try to move him to do that. He was pretty much paralyzed on one side because of last surgery damage and then a grand maul seizure. It was very very difficult and the aches started then, but they got worse after he died. His son who got married last year to a woman who is a multi-millionare wouldn't even spend 10 minutes with him, let alone change his bedding.
Oh I guess their life goes on.........
Am still living on a diet of Ensure, yoghurt shakes and bananas. Praying for an appetite to come back and some motivation to start working again. I guess between the physical aches and pains and 2 nice toothaches that will work fine for me?? Where did my caregiver go??
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support.
Carrie
33
Main / CAN SOMEONE HELP ME WITH THE ISSUE OF FEAR THAT SET IN
« on: February 07, 2009, 08:22:52 PM »
HI: Laurence died 6.5 weeks ago and I realize that one of the things that comes with grieving is anxiety and fear. I don't know why I wake up in the morning and my whole nervous system is in high rev and my heart is pounding.
Then the fears have set in; what about my heath? I watched someone have brain tumors over and over for 2.8 years and believed until the end he was going to pull through again; it was horrifying to say the least. Then my mind goes renegade. What if I get something bad; who will take care of me? I have no family here in AZ. I am petrified to even go to the doctor.
I have to do my business at home and I am avoiding it the last few days; somehow during the first month of shock I was able to work pretty well, but now I am really doing nothing. Don't watch t.v., don't sleep much at night, so am drowsy during the day which is also due to anxiety meds. Eating alot of bananas (which I never liked before but somehow I can manage to swallow those) and drinking lots of Ensure and Gatorade.
I keep telling myself not to think about tomorrow or the future. Just focus on today. But I don't seem to be getting much done on these todays.
I did manage to take my son somewhere today he needed to be and then later go back and get him; I went to the post office and did some grocery shopping, but I feel like I am absolutely having to force myself to do those little things.
When I was in the grocery store I felt like a zombie; looking at everyone to see if they had a wedding ring on.
Before this, I am not one to just sit; I never even took naps before this. I just feel dead inside; I am sure people can tell by my eyes that they are pretty dull.
Someone told me that because I was his caregiver for so long that now that purpose is gone and of course so is he. But I still took care of him and my business when he was here.
Now I have all this time on my hands and can't even get moving?
?
Now I'm wishing I had had a real 9 to 5 job to go back to, then I would be forced out the door. But there is no way I could have ever held a job the last 2.8 years of Laurence's life. I would have been fired because it was a constant roller coaster ride with the illness. I'm praying this will work out somehow. I hate the added stress of the financial aspect, plus GRIEF!!!
At least I can come here and vent and yell. Isn't working too well with the other people in my life.
I had no idea I would ever be at a site like this; however, as it is I am grateful and thankful for everyone's kindness and encouragement. I know we are all hurting; no one wanted to be here, either.
I don't like being a non-functioning person so this is very frustrating for me, all of the emotions and ups and downs and anxiety.
Tonight my very large family is having a surprise birthday party for my brother who is turning 50. He came from Montana to Minnesota to just visist, so he had no idea there'll be tons of people surprising him.
It's now that I wonder why I moved to Arizona when I was 20; now almost 48 and have no family here. Just 2 kids and an X. Feels really really lonely.
I think I'm done now.
Best to all for listening,
Carrie
Then the fears have set in; what about my heath? I watched someone have brain tumors over and over for 2.8 years and believed until the end he was going to pull through again; it was horrifying to say the least. Then my mind goes renegade. What if I get something bad; who will take care of me? I have no family here in AZ. I am petrified to even go to the doctor.
I have to do my business at home and I am avoiding it the last few days; somehow during the first month of shock I was able to work pretty well, but now I am really doing nothing. Don't watch t.v., don't sleep much at night, so am drowsy during the day which is also due to anxiety meds. Eating alot of bananas (which I never liked before but somehow I can manage to swallow those) and drinking lots of Ensure and Gatorade.
I keep telling myself not to think about tomorrow or the future. Just focus on today. But I don't seem to be getting much done on these todays.
I did manage to take my son somewhere today he needed to be and then later go back and get him; I went to the post office and did some grocery shopping, but I feel like I am absolutely having to force myself to do those little things.
When I was in the grocery store I felt like a zombie; looking at everyone to see if they had a wedding ring on.
Before this, I am not one to just sit; I never even took naps before this. I just feel dead inside; I am sure people can tell by my eyes that they are pretty dull.
Someone told me that because I was his caregiver for so long that now that purpose is gone and of course so is he. But I still took care of him and my business when he was here.
Now I have all this time on my hands and can't even get moving?
?Now I'm wishing I had had a real 9 to 5 job to go back to, then I would be forced out the door. But there is no way I could have ever held a job the last 2.8 years of Laurence's life. I would have been fired because it was a constant roller coaster ride with the illness. I'm praying this will work out somehow. I hate the added stress of the financial aspect, plus GRIEF!!!
At least I can come here and vent and yell. Isn't working too well with the other people in my life.
I had no idea I would ever be at a site like this; however, as it is I am grateful and thankful for everyone's kindness and encouragement. I know we are all hurting; no one wanted to be here, either.
I don't like being a non-functioning person so this is very frustrating for me, all of the emotions and ups and downs and anxiety.
Tonight my very large family is having a surprise birthday party for my brother who is turning 50. He came from Montana to Minnesota to just visist, so he had no idea there'll be tons of people surprising him.
It's now that I wonder why I moved to Arizona when I was 20; now almost 48 and have no family here. Just 2 kids and an X. Feels really really lonely.
I think I'm done now.
Best to all for listening,
Carrie
34
Main / So tired of the pettiness of this world
« on: February 05, 2009, 01:34:14 AM »
It's me again. It is 1:15 a.m. in Phoenix. And I cannot sleep. So will just ramble on about whatever comes to mind.
Since Laurence died I keep the tv on just for some noise in the background, but I am so tired of all of these celebrities and their petty stupid materialistic issues. It makes me wonder how these people live these incredibly glamorous lives, travel everywhere, have tons of money, all of this fame, and yet they seem to be untouched by the "real" things in life; the real struggles of finances, health, etc. As far as I'm concerned, when someone you love so much dies, you could care less if you are driving a Mercedes anymore.
I saw a re-run today of Oprah, where Jenny Garth wrote a book about her autistic son, which I have one, too. And how they got him "detoxed" and how much better he was. Well I checked into that a few years ago for my son and insurance doesn't cover it. It costs a fortune. A fortune I do not have. Well, I just may write a book about how we "average" folks just have to cope. Sounding a little bitter here, I guess.
Just venting and hope no one will be offended. I am in the "life is not fair" moment. Just trying to figure out the loss of someone who was not materialistic, loved the Lord with all of his heart, and died way too young, with so much to offer, and very tangible gifts that were never fulfilled.
I am a Christian woman, but am struggling with even going to church right now. If I hear about healing, give your money and you will be blessed, I am struggling.......... Hope God will show me the way on these things.
Thank you to all for all of your support and encouragement. I am a single mom, almost 48 in a month, and starting over for the 3rd time? Yikes. Not what I signed up for. But who of us did? Has to be part of a greater plan.
Blessings, Carrie
Since Laurence died I keep the tv on just for some noise in the background, but I am so tired of all of these celebrities and their petty stupid materialistic issues. It makes me wonder how these people live these incredibly glamorous lives, travel everywhere, have tons of money, all of this fame, and yet they seem to be untouched by the "real" things in life; the real struggles of finances, health, etc. As far as I'm concerned, when someone you love so much dies, you could care less if you are driving a Mercedes anymore.
I saw a re-run today of Oprah, where Jenny Garth wrote a book about her autistic son, which I have one, too. And how they got him "detoxed" and how much better he was. Well I checked into that a few years ago for my son and insurance doesn't cover it. It costs a fortune. A fortune I do not have. Well, I just may write a book about how we "average" folks just have to cope. Sounding a little bitter here, I guess.
Just venting and hope no one will be offended. I am in the "life is not fair" moment. Just trying to figure out the loss of someone who was not materialistic, loved the Lord with all of his heart, and died way too young, with so much to offer, and very tangible gifts that were never fulfilled.
I am a Christian woman, but am struggling with even going to church right now. If I hear about healing, give your money and you will be blessed, I am struggling.......... Hope God will show me the way on these things.
Thank you to all for all of your support and encouragement. I am a single mom, almost 48 in a month, and starting over for the 3rd time?
Yikes. Not what I signed up for. But who of us did? Has to be part of a greater plan.Blessings, Carrie
35
Main / Stuff people say
« on: February 05, 2009, 01:06:16 AM »
This week I went to my 4th grief session regarding the death of my partner Laurence on Dec 24 08.
The person that heads that class is Laurence's friend, Sandra, of 17 years. I always thought she was psychologist, but after Laurence's funeral I found out she was grievance counselor.
Anyway, it was my turn to speak within this class of about 6 of us; I believe I spoke about how I had talked to my X recently about how important it was for us to be on good terms and explained a little bit to him about the fragmentation of Laurence's family and with his kids.
Sandra, the counselor, Laurence's friend of 17 years, proceeded to tell everyone about "Boy, did he ever come from a dysfunctional family and repeated it again. I did not like that; I thought it was very unprofessional of her to do so. In my own grieving dysfunction at that moment, I wish I would have said "Most of us come from some sort of dysfunctional family or we create our own dysfunction".
Have read many many posts about what people say. I guess others only know after they have "walked a mile in someone's shoes". A shoe that has a pebble in it that is still hurting.
Carrie
The person that heads that class is Laurence's friend, Sandra, of 17 years. I always thought she was psychologist, but after Laurence's funeral I found out she was grievance counselor.
Anyway, it was my turn to speak within this class of about 6 of us; I believe I spoke about how I had talked to my X recently about how important it was for us to be on good terms and explained a little bit to him about the fragmentation of Laurence's family and with his kids.
Sandra, the counselor, Laurence's friend of 17 years, proceeded to tell everyone about "Boy, did he ever come from a dysfunctional family and repeated it again. I did not like that; I thought it was very unprofessional of her to do so. In my own grieving dysfunction at that moment, I wish I would have said "Most of us come from some sort of dysfunctional family or we create our own dysfunction".
Have read many many posts about what people say. I guess others only know after they have "walked a mile in someone's shoes". A shoe that has a pebble in it that is still hurting.
Carrie
36
Main / That time of night dreading going to bed and getting up to face it all again
« on: February 01, 2009, 10:48:54 PM »
Am early on in this grief nightmare (Dec. 24 this past year Laurence died). I was telling a friend today that I don't know how I stayed upright and pretty positive during the 2.8 years of the first tumor and all the tumors and surgeries after that (actually I know my faith sustained me). When I talked to her tonight I felt like a whimpering puppy. I think my faith is just weaker right now.
She told me she has a job I could interview for. For a sole practitioner attorney. I told her it's only been a few weeks and I can barely get out the door to the grocery store let alone shower. I told her I would be crying as soon as I got to the interview and I told her my confidence has been shaken to the very core. I haven't worked in a law firm for many many years. She was just being kind and trying to help as she wants me to get out of the house. I have had an ebay business for 6 years and it was a roller coaster ride the last 2.5 years as I had to stop in the middle of it and go attend to Laurence in the hospital and 24/7 home care and then come back home and try to generate some income. I hardly worked all of 2008 and my savings and his were both exhausted. We weren't married yet; tumors got in the way.
For 4 weeks after he died, I somehow got my business going again, but have flat out laid down the last week with no motivation whatsoever. I HAVE TO GET BACK UP. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TO HELP ME!! Yet I am now suffering from some medical issues of my own due to tremendous amounts of stress and the anxiety and heart pounding keep coming. Trying to drink lots of Ensure, Gatorade, eat bananas, whatever I can get down. All food tastes like nothing.`
When I come on and read other people's posts it hurts to see how many of us are in this situation.
I guess because I work at home and don't feel great myself, I worry that if I continue my business, what if something happens and I can't tend to it as has happened many times in the last couple years? I have never been one to just sit in a chair for a week and do nothing (well, actually read grief books). I'm always busy, always active, so this is just not like me to curl up in the fetal position and hope it all goes away.
I miss Laurence; I miss him praying with me and for me; but I am glad he is not suffering anymore. He was an incredibly brave man who never ever complained about what was dumped on him.
I am from Phoenix and I see the Arizona Cardinals lost the Superbowl by a few points. Right now I say big deal. It seems so frivolous to me right now. When I went to the grocery store and loaded up on my liquid nutrients, I remembered something Laurence's mom said to me recently. She would be out at the store and see other people all happy, and just wanted to scream "I JUST LOST MY 2ND CHILD". When I was in the store I wanted to scream I JUST LOST MY PARTNER and I am alone!!! Does anybody care?
BTW, understand posts from others now about everyone disappearing after awhile. Friends, Laurence's kids, my family. My kids are only 11 and 16 and spend every other week with their dad, so when they are here with me, they try to distance themselves from me as they don't want to deal with his loss as they were very close to him and he loved them very much. Plus they have all of their own social activities, sleepovers and church to keep them occupied.
Isolated? Now, more than ever......... The bible says "God works it all out for good". It may not be in this lifetime, though. I'm not sure. I decided after Laurence died I was not going to lose my faith in God. I am hanging on with white knuckles.
Just rambling as I don't want to go to bed yet and then wake up to the inevitable. I told my friend tonight that when I was going through divorce 6 years ago, I didn't have any problem getting up everyday and doing my business. Now, it is way different and feels like I got "gutted". She said that during divorce (as for her divorce also), that we have turned the corner regarding any love for our spouse and grieve the loss of the family unit, but death of a loved one is much different.
So now when I see my X drive up and pick up the kids for his week and he drives a nice SUV that is paid for and makes $150,000 a year, I am a bit resentful as his life goes on and mine got wiped out. You would think I would get a really hefty child support payment, but got screwed huge on that as he had the money for an attorney and I did not. So he won big time on that.
Plus I decided that since I only had my kids 2 weeks out of the month that I would just continue to do my ebay business and be here at 2:00 in the afternoon when my son got home and could pick up an take my daughter to school. If I had a "real" job (as my X used to say I should have), then I would have lost so much time with my kids after getting home at 6:00 at night, making dinner and running them to and fro. This way it gave me a few more hours with them. My son is autistic and didn't want to leave him at home to his own devices. His reasoning sometimes is not entirely right although he has improved considerably over the years. I guess it was a benefit to Laurence that I had that flexibility, too, since I could always drop my work and tend to him. Never would have been able to have a fulltime job in the last 2.8 years; I would have been fired.
So my point is that I feel I made the right decisions concerning my children's needs and ultimately it was for Laurence, too, that I worked from home. But now I am trying to make some sense out of how do I pick myself up and get through this huge blow. BTW, even if you go through a terminal illness with someone, you always have hope and I don't think you are prepared for them to die. Especially when the other person has such extreme faith, you have to honor that and believe with and for them, but it is still a huge blow.
My searching question is..........if I would lay aside less money to work at home and be with my kids more and then having had to tend to Laurence, there needs to be some sort of payoff for me. Sounds selfish, doesn't it?
My other query is: How can I spend the last week just reading grief books; reading everyone's posts on here and other sites; and replying, but I can't get my little butt up (lost alot of weight) and get my life moving forward again. I can't focus on tv, cooking, laundry but can do the above.
I don't want to be bitter; actually I am a very compassionate person. I think I am just needing to vent all of the insecurities going on here.
If I am willing to put my life on hold to care for others, who will care for me. I think that is another question I am trying to get answered.
I have read so many posts of so many tragedies. I know I am not alone, but for some reason it feels quite alone; although all replies have been extremely kind and helpful. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had not found this site and the wonderful caring people on it.
I am praying for a better day tomorrow. I am tired of racing thoughts, panic attacks, etc.
Peace to all,
Carrie
She told me she has a job I could interview for. For a sole practitioner attorney. I told her it's only been a few weeks and I can barely get out the door to the grocery store let alone shower. I told her I would be crying as soon as I got to the interview and I told her my confidence has been shaken to the very core. I haven't worked in a law firm for many many years. She was just being kind and trying to help as she wants me to get out of the house. I have had an ebay business for 6 years and it was a roller coaster ride the last 2.5 years as I had to stop in the middle of it and go attend to Laurence in the hospital and 24/7 home care and then come back home and try to generate some income. I hardly worked all of 2008 and my savings and his were both exhausted. We weren't married yet; tumors got in the way.
For 4 weeks after he died, I somehow got my business going again, but have flat out laid down the last week with no motivation whatsoever. I HAVE TO GET BACK UP. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TO HELP ME!! Yet I am now suffering from some medical issues of my own due to tremendous amounts of stress and the anxiety and heart pounding keep coming. Trying to drink lots of Ensure, Gatorade, eat bananas, whatever I can get down. All food tastes like nothing.`
When I come on and read other people's posts it hurts to see how many of us are in this situation.
I guess because I work at home and don't feel great myself, I worry that if I continue my business, what if something happens and I can't tend to it as has happened many times in the last couple years? I have never been one to just sit in a chair for a week and do nothing (well, actually read grief books). I'm always busy, always active, so this is just not like me to curl up in the fetal position and hope it all goes away.
I miss Laurence; I miss him praying with me and for me; but I am glad he is not suffering anymore. He was an incredibly brave man who never ever complained about what was dumped on him.
I am from Phoenix and I see the Arizona Cardinals lost the Superbowl by a few points. Right now I say big deal. It seems so frivolous to me right now. When I went to the grocery store and loaded up on my liquid nutrients, I remembered something Laurence's mom said to me recently. She would be out at the store and see other people all happy, and just wanted to scream "I JUST LOST MY 2ND CHILD". When I was in the store I wanted to scream I JUST LOST MY PARTNER and I am alone!!! Does anybody care?
BTW, understand posts from others now about everyone disappearing after awhile. Friends, Laurence's kids, my family. My kids are only 11 and 16 and spend every other week with their dad, so when they are here with me, they try to distance themselves from me as they don't want to deal with his loss as they were very close to him and he loved them very much. Plus they have all of their own social activities, sleepovers and church to keep them occupied.
Isolated? Now, more than ever......... The bible says "God works it all out for good". It may not be in this lifetime, though. I'm not sure. I decided after Laurence died I was not going to lose my faith in God. I am hanging on with white knuckles.
Just rambling as I don't want to go to bed yet and then wake up to the inevitable. I told my friend tonight that when I was going through divorce 6 years ago, I didn't have any problem getting up everyday and doing my business. Now, it is way different and feels like I got "gutted". She said that during divorce (as for her divorce also), that we have turned the corner regarding any love for our spouse and grieve the loss of the family unit, but death of a loved one is much different.
So now when I see my X drive up and pick up the kids for his week and he drives a nice SUV that is paid for and makes $150,000 a year, I am a bit resentful as his life goes on and mine got wiped out. You would think I would get a really hefty child support payment, but got screwed huge on that as he had the money for an attorney and I did not. So he won big time on that.
Plus I decided that since I only had my kids 2 weeks out of the month that I would just continue to do my ebay business and be here at 2:00 in the afternoon when my son got home and could pick up an take my daughter to school. If I had a "real" job (as my X used to say I should have), then I would have lost so much time with my kids after getting home at 6:00 at night, making dinner and running them to and fro. This way it gave me a few more hours with them. My son is autistic and didn't want to leave him at home to his own devices. His reasoning sometimes is not entirely right although he has improved considerably over the years. I guess it was a benefit to Laurence that I had that flexibility, too, since I could always drop my work and tend to him. Never would have been able to have a fulltime job in the last 2.8 years; I would have been fired.
So my point is that I feel I made the right decisions concerning my children's needs and ultimately it was for Laurence, too, that I worked from home. But now I am trying to make some sense out of how do I pick myself up and get through this huge blow. BTW, even if you go through a terminal illness with someone, you always have hope and I don't think you are prepared for them to die. Especially when the other person has such extreme faith, you have to honor that and believe with and for them, but it is still a huge blow.
My searching question is..........if I would lay aside less money to work at home and be with my kids more and then having had to tend to Laurence, there needs to be some sort of payoff for me. Sounds selfish, doesn't it?
My other query is: How can I spend the last week just reading grief books; reading everyone's posts on here and other sites; and replying, but I can't get my little butt up (lost alot of weight) and get my life moving forward again. I can't focus on tv, cooking, laundry but can do the above.
I don't want to be bitter; actually I am a very compassionate person. I think I am just needing to vent all of the insecurities going on here.
If I am willing to put my life on hold to care for others, who will care for me. I think that is another question I am trying to get answered.
I have read so many posts of so many tragedies. I know I am not alone, but for some reason it feels quite alone; although all replies have been extremely kind and helpful. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had not found this site and the wonderful caring people on it.
I am praying for a better day tomorrow. I am tired of racing thoughts, panic attacks, etc.
Peace to all,
Carrie
37
Main / Only 5 weeks. Is what I'm going through normal?
« on: January 31, 2009, 07:15:00 PM »
Hi:
It's only been 5 weeks since Laurence died after a long illness. It's been almost a week now where I've been very lethargic, feel very hopeless, my heart keeps pounding, I am very shaky, filled with fear regarding my own health (high blood pressure), am feeling really depressed (just starting take those meds, but will be awhile for results). I keep trying to give myself pep talks, but they are short-lived. I almost always on the verge of tears.
I keep praying for some hope.
Carrie
It's only been 5 weeks since Laurence died after a long illness. It's been almost a week now where I've been very lethargic, feel very hopeless, my heart keeps pounding, I am very shaky, filled with fear regarding my own health (high blood pressure), am feeling really depressed (just starting take those meds, but will be awhile for results). I keep trying to give myself pep talks, but they are short-lived. I almost always on the verge of tears.
I keep praying for some hope.
Carrie
38
Main / I love what people say to the grieving!!
« on: January 28, 2009, 05:27:01 PM »
I went to the doctor today to deal with this new blood pressure issue. The dr. knew about Laurence's illness and death 5 weeks ago. I told her I was hardly eating and often sick to my stomach afterwards. Asked her what can I do about it? She said it was probably psychological and that I really needed to MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!! Then I might be able to eat. Then my mom, whom I love dearly, told me today that I needed to basically do the same thing. WOw!! Makes you feel like some sort of weakling..........
Carrie
Carrie
39
Main / HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« on: January 26, 2009, 03:21:52 PM »
Today I can't even get myself to work. I have a fulltime ebay business and every time in the last 2.8 years that Laurence had to go to the hospital for tumor surgeries or other complications, etc., I have had to stop working and then come back later and start all over again. I was able to then but he was still here and my cheerleader about my business.
It's like I don't see any point to it anymore. But I don't have anyone to support me or my 2 kids (we were to be married after being together 4 years, but that dream was taken), so his Will was never changed. I just feel listless and empty. There are so many times I wish it was me gone because all of these emotions are literally making me feel like vomiting (and have).
I know all of us are suffering, but sometimes it feels like I am not handling it as well or maybe others don't have as much fear as I do. Laurence only died 5 weeks ago, but I am still shaky and not hungry and feeling like I am not able to function. My biggest fear now is that since I took care of him for 2.8 years and didn't take care of my health what if something happened to me and I have no one to care for me like I did him. That seems to be an ongoing runaway train in my head.
I pray this gets better..............
Carrie
It's like I don't see any point to it anymore. But I don't have anyone to support me or my 2 kids (we were to be married after being together 4 years, but that dream was taken), so his Will was never changed. I just feel listless and empty. There are so many times I wish it was me gone because all of these emotions are literally making me feel like vomiting (and have).
I know all of us are suffering, but sometimes it feels like I am not handling it as well or maybe others don't have as much fear as I do. Laurence only died 5 weeks ago, but I am still shaky and not hungry and feeling like I am not able to function. My biggest fear now is that since I took care of him for 2.8 years and didn't take care of my health what if something happened to me and I have no one to care for me like I did him. That seems to be an ongoing runaway train in my head.
I pray this gets better..............
Carrie
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Main / How can this be so painful?????
« on: January 25, 2009, 07:10:18 PM »
On Dec 24 2008 I lost my love, Laurence, to brain cancer after he had numerous battles with it over 2.8 years. I am just devastated and lost. We were to be married and were together for almost 4 years. I was his caregiver, too, so it's all extremely painful and lonely. It's only been a month ago and I can hardly even function some days. I just sit in a chair in my living and try to console myself, which doesn't work good at all!! My mind just won't stop and I am scared. I have to get up every day and work (I work at home) and my motivation is gone, but I still have to make a living. Since Laurence and I had not married yet there's no finances left behind for me, so I am stressed about all of it. Carrie