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Topics - carrieset

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1
Main / MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
« on: December 24, 2009, 10:27:39 PM »
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart but I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear
and be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my Heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN


2
Main / ALMOST 8 MONTHS............
« on: August 15, 2009, 11:51:50 PM »
HI everyone:

Have been reading posts, but not much writing lately.  Had a good couple weeks........  not raw like it was for so long. 

But the loneliness is a killer.  Everyday, I think of Laurence and the bond that we had.  Something I don't expect to ever have with anyone again.  Never had it before.........was so short-lived, though.

13 months of wonderful and 2 years and 8 months of hell.  Brain cancer sucks!

Had a weepy day today.  I think it was because I went by his house a couple days ago and his 3 vehicles were gone.  I have only gone by there twice since he went to hospice last November.

8 months in 8 days.  I don't know where the time went.  I think I slept through alot of it, was in a fog, drank too much at night to sedate myself.

Am 48 and wonder how this happened to me??????  As we all wonder.  We were to be married last October 6th.  In remission.  Praying for a miracle.  Well, we would have had only 2.5 months of marriage.

Sitting here tonight wondering why again...............no purpose anymore, apathy still is here.  Not sleeping until 2:00 in the afternoon as I did for months.  Am getting up around 10:00 a.m.  Working on my at home business; that's about it, though.

Pretty bored and sad................. not looking forward to Fall or the holidays.  Dec 24 08 did me in.

BUT I am still here thanks to my friends here, who have encouraged me and supported me through this h**l.   Days are a little better.........

Thanks to all of U,

Carrie


3
Main / I HAD NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!
« on: July 30, 2009, 09:57:56 PM »
THAT GRIEF COULD BE SO PAINFUL.

I wish I didn't have to know about the stages of grief over losing your mate.  This is really hard work!!  Harder than any job I've ever had.

I've always been one to set goals and plans to look forward to.  Boy that did that go by the wayside.  I am finding it is really true when you are going through grief that you should not look to the future.  That is when my ship really starts sinking. 

The worry and stress come flooding in over everything. 
I am really trying to live minute by minute.

On the 24th was the 7month mark and tomorrow the 31st would have been Laurence's 60th birthday.  There was a 12 year age difference between us but he looked like he was 45, so health conscious and worked out in his gym all the time.

One year ago seems like it was yesterday.  He was healthy looking, talking, walking and appeared normal.  On experimental chemo but with 80% of 3 inoperable brain tumors gone.  I am thankful I was able to celebrate 5 of his birthdays with him.

I guess between last Friday and his birthday tomorrow is why I have been in a major depression the last week.   This ride has too many twists and turns and is way too bumpy for me.

Just rambling.  My non-cyber friends don't really like me to talk about Laurence.  It's been 7 months, you know?????  I should be over this by now.......

I have had occasion lately to think about my X mother-in-law who was married 7 times.  She remarried her 2nd husband (so that was the 6th marriage).  11 years ago my X and our children went to Wisconsin to go to his sister's wedding.  At 6:00 a.m. the day of her wedding her dad had a heart attack and died.  They still had the wedding that afternoon.

My x MIL was always a drama queen, but she did all kinds of odd things at the wedding reception and in the days after his death.  I think back now about how her grown kids and their spouses (me included) talked about her behavior and actually rolled our eyes over how she was acting.

Boy, have I asked God to forgive me over that.  I was a total DGI as was everyone else.  We had never lost our spouse and had no idea what she was going through.

I actually saw my X MIL a few months ago when I went to pick up my kids at my X's house.  She had one year earlier lost her 7th husband to a brain tumor (he was 82).   We were quite able to relate to each other since L had the same thing.   She was still very sad about it.  Boy there were no DGI's coming from me then.  I gave her a big hug when I left.

So tomorrow I will wish Laurence a happy birthday knowing that he has eternal life and no longer had to suffer with that nasty disease.

So I am done with the rambling...........

But I do have a question.  Should I call his mother tomorrow since it would be his birthday.  She lives in Reno and I haven't talked to her for a long time as it was too painful. 

So, I'm not sure if she would be upset or if she would be happy that I was thinking of him, too.  That he is not forgotten. 

Any suggestions??

Thanks for listening AGAIN.

Carrie


4
Main / OFF ON A NEW TANGENT
« on: July 26, 2009, 10:51:34 PM »
I want out of my house.  Laurence moved me into it over 4 years ago (I bought it, but he physically moved my here).

He remodeled it and everytime I turn around it is a reminder of him being gone.  He finished all but my bedroom and bathroom before he got another tumor 16 months ago.  I don't even sleep in my bedroom or go near the bathroom as they are half done.  And he died over 7 months ago.

Rest of the house looks great, but I don't want these reminders anymore.  16 months ago the last tumor went into a landslide of he** and 3 more inoperable and he never came into my house again but twice after that for a few minutes as he lost his mobility.

It is too painful to be here all of the time and see his handiwork.. 

7 months and I am still lost.

Carrie

5
Main / I MISS THAT CONNECTION
« on: June 26, 2009, 09:32:37 PM »
HI all:

It has been some time since I have posted.  Just trying to keep head above water; decided that it is more important for me right now to be here for the summer months for my kids; besides no jobs out there anyway.  I have just been doing the best I can to earn money on Ebay as I have for almost 7 years. Prayerfully, it will work out somehow.  Again, central air went out yesterday.  So I took some things back to Home Depot that I needed to return and got myself another window unit.  It gets hot here in AZ!!

Am feeling a little more peaceful in the last couple days.  DOn't know how long that will last, but am thankful for it right now.  And will deal with sliding back into the pit as it comes.

Something I have been thinking about alot this week is how much I miss that connection that Laurence and I had together.  Not just the physical aspect, as that ceased along time before he passed, as too many brain surgeries messed that up.

It is the sweetness of having someone you love tell you how pretty you are, how nice you look in that outfit, love those earrings.  It's him opening every door for me; getting into his car and he would go around and open my door first.  He was such a gentleman that way.

It was his wanting me to be very comfortable in his home when I took care of him.  Is it too hot in here, do I need to turn the air down for you?  He knew I was in menopause and having hot flashes!!

It was the faces we made at each other that no one else knew what they meant.  His cooking for me and wanting to make sure everything was how I liked it.

It was his reaching across in the car to put his hand on my knee or extend his hand to hold mine.

It was watching our favorite shows together and competing with one another....Wheel of Fortune... Smarter than a Fifth Grader, etc.

Him making me coffee every morning when he was sick and bringing it to me at 5:00 a.m. (a little too early for me, but appreciated what it meant).

It was him stopping at a thrift store on his way home from a contracting job and trying to find me a "treasure" for my ebay business.  He knew what I looked for.

It was him thanking me for every single meal I made for him.  My calling him for help in the middle of the night because my kids were off the wall and he would come over immediately to help.

It was that connection, the heart, not the sexual connection that I miss.  It was him in the last weeks before he died in hospice, rubbing my back and asking me what could he do for me.

It was him calling my house at 6:00 a.m. during the school year to make sure my son was up and ready to be picked up by the bus.

So many things I can list, it was that "heart" and "brain" connection I miss.

I sure do miss him.  He was one of a kind.

Many hugs to all on this journey,

Carrie


6
Main / VERY HARD DAY; ANOTHER SAD DEATH DUE TO STUPID BRAIN CANCER
« on: June 08, 2009, 11:07:54 PM »
Hi all:

Had a very big cry tonight.  My neighbor Michael had been battling an inoperable brain tumor for a couple years; in and out of the hospital; frequently paramedics here to pick him up. 

4 years ago when I moved to my mobile home park he was a very attractive, fit, 45 year old.  I watched as his health declined over the last couple years and our neighbors checked on him often and tried to help him.  He was single and very depressed and wouldn't take any help.

Long story short, he shot himself in the bathtub about five days ago.  After one neighbor tried to get him to answer the door for days and he didn't; they finally called 911. 

It was very awful talking to his sister and crying with her as I told her L had died of a brain tumor.  She told me her brother refused any family help; I told her that when someone has a tumor it affects them very seriously and that I had witnessed it firsthand for almost 3 years with L's repeated brain tumors.  My personal feeling from talking to him in the past was he didn't want anyone to see him so emaciated and sickly.

Many of my neighbors had banned together for a long time to try and do something for him.  He ended up drinking massively and taking too much pain meds.  He told me awhile ago he just didn't want to live anymore.  We had to call the police a couple months ago as he was so out of it and he was trying to drive his truck.  We were afraid he would hurt himself or someone else.

Anyway, after they took him away, his sister went in to the bathroom and came out screaming and sobbing.  I just hugged her and asked all of my other neighbors to come and hug her and her brother and his wife. 

Then I just came home and sobbed.  Stupid F***n brain cancer.  May he rest in peace;  he suffered alot and chose to do it alone.

Sorry for such a depressing post, but it really hit home for me.

Carrie


7
Main / MY SON'S 17TH BIRTHDAY FRIDAY.......WHAT CAN I DO?
« on: May 28, 2009, 10:46:37 PM »
Hi everyone:

May 29 is my son Tyler's 17th birthday.  He wants a Blackberry (whatever that is) and has been calling me everyday all week about it.  He is autistic and doesn't get the word "NO".  I cannot afford one even if I bid on one on Ebay.

What do I give him for his birthday????????  I don't have much money at all.  I can't compete with what his dad gives him (I don't know why he's not giving him the Blackberry??).  And I don't want to compete.

But I want my son to feel special and I don't know how to do that for him as I am struggling to make ends meet right now.

Any suggestions?????????  I am a bit dreading seeing him tomorrow (back from his dad's week) as I don't want him to be throwing furniture around because he didn't get what he wanted.

Carrie

8
Main / MEMORIAL DAY...........HONORING OUR VETERANS
« on: May 22, 2009, 09:52:39 PM »
Hi all:

Memorial Day is another day of sadness for me.  Laurence was a veteran of the Vietnam War.  He was in the Army.  He had to take a test when he enlisted at 18 and was not sent to front lines, but his IQ was very high and sent to Turkey during Vietnam in intelligence area.  He then ended up later teaching higher up officers about security and intelligence aspects of war.

I always knew he was very smart.  To see him build his own recording studio as professional as any out there.  I told him a few times he had a photographic memory.

So this 3 day weekend is just another lonely weekend alone.  But on Monday I will send up a balloon in his honor for serving his country.

Maybe I will send up 6 more balloons.  One for my dad and my 5 brothers that all served in the Air Force; one in Kuwait. 

Peace to all of you tonight,

Carrie


9
Main / BEST FRIEND; STEPPING OUT OF BOUNDS!!
« on: May 18, 2009, 11:24:14 PM »
It is me again:

I am beyond the point of being fried with this grief journey.  My best friend of 25 years actually called my mom tonight and said she was worried about me, told her she (my mom) has no idea what I have been through with Laurence for almost 3 years of brain cancer; what is wrong with my 3 sisters that they don't even email me or call to see how I am doing?  This was not with my permission to do so!!

My mom lives 1800 miles away from me; she worries about me, so I try to be upbeat and say it's okay when I talk to her.  But over the weekend I talked to my friend Peggy (I tell her everything); I told her I had just had it; the loneliness; the paramount big thing was finances.  I have been looking for a job and have contacted people I know in the field that I have worked in.  There are no jobs in that field.  I am looking in other areas.  I told Peggy I was just overwhelmed with all of it and just at rock bottom.  A conversation you would have with a best friend; letting it all spill out.

She told my mom that no one (my family, sisters) have any idea what Carrie went through with L's illness and how much she is devastated by it, etc.  That is okay she said that, but it makes me feel even more pathetic and helpless than ever.

I don't want my mom and dad worrying about me (they both have pacemakers).  I love love love my best friend, but please don't call me my mom and worry the crap out of her.  She is worried enough already.

My friend is having alot of difficult financial problems right now, too.  Reduced work hours; half of what she made last year, but her dad and brother are multi-millionaries and take care of whatever she can't.  Her kids are in private school and her boyfriend pays for their tuition.  She even made a comment to me about how I should write a book about my life (I said oh, how pathetically terrible it has been?).  She said Trailer Trash 101 would be a good title as how it has ended up. 

And I wonder why I don't want to get up everyday???????  The most positive person left my life almost 5 months ago. 

I am struggling with that and with trying to make a living on top of it.

Can I attach an a/c small unit to my shopping cart?????????  LOL


Now I have to call my mom tomorrow and try to make her feel better........

Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrie


10
Main / WATCHING FARRAH FAWCETT DOCUMENTARY TONIGHT RE CANCER
« on: May 15, 2009, 10:04:15 PM »
 :'( :'( :'( :'(

What an incredible woman to document her cancer journey.  Very sad and like many of us who have journeyed with our loved one through cancer, there is always that hope and optimism for a miracle.

Was tough to watch the treatments and needles stuck in her stomach; to see the scans that weren't good (all reminiscent of L and my journey).

At her worst, barfing in a bucket, she is still beautiful and filled with courage and hope.

It was hard to watch her son (who was released from jail to see her) lay next to her.  It was hard to watch Ryan O'Neal lay in the hospital bed with her.  I remember all of those times crawling into L's hospital bed.

It is so obvious how much Ryan loves her..........he will be so lost without her.

Cried lots watching it.  CANCER sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cancer knows no boundaries;;;;;;;; from rich to poor and there is no $$$$ that can buy a healthy life back.

Peace to her and her family and friends (wonderful she has an awesome friend Alana).

Peace to all of us tonight,

Carrie

11
Main / NEED HELP WITH SOME GRIEF QUESTIONS
« on: May 10, 2009, 09:41:56 PM »
Me again!!!!!!!!!!

I am 4.5 months now.  WHEN DOES THIS EVER GET BETTER???????? IT IS LIKE LIVING SOME KIND OF HORROR INSIDE YOUR HEAD.  Lately I feel like I am losing it.

The last few days with my son in the hospital didn't help; sitting there waiting for him to come out of surgery was an awful reminder of how many times I did that with L and the hours sitting with him in his room, cutting up his food; just looking at the "pee bottle" made me sick.

I am nervous and shaky lately; I am at 4.5 mths; it feels worse than ever.  I know everyone is grieving here; everyone here has been such a rock for me.  But when I go about my daily "very little that I can handle life",  I feel like such an empty person and what's the point????????  It just scares me that I am like this.  After all these months my house is a mess (I do pick up here and there), my neighbor kindly took it up himself to empty my van of stuff that was in it since October when I was taking care of L for the last part of his life.  He took out tubs of stuff!!!!!!

When will I care about how I look again????????  When will I stop sleeping in the same clothes for 3 days???????????

When will I get up the courage and find the self-confidence to find a 9 to 5 job?  When will I not be afraid to go to the mailbox and get those nasty bills that have to be paid?????????  And when I do go they just sit staring at me and I have hardly the will to open them.

And then I try to give myself pep talks; that work's for a minute or so.  And I am even taking meds!!

When does the fear of everything go away????????  I try to look at the beautiful blue sky and my surroundings and it only hurts.

I am 48 years old, a grown woman, and I feel like such a weakling.  I hate this horrible feeling of torture.  Most days I just want to lay down and give up. 

On a side note:

My son and daughter gave me the most beautiful copper and rhinestone cross for Mother's Day.  When I opened it, I just feel apart.  I called my mom for Mother's Day.  She told me it was on May 10, 53 years ago that she saw my dad for the first time and it was love at first sight.  I told her I got that once, it was 4 years ago. 

We call my mom a "mail order bride".  She worked at a bank and one of the other gals there had a friend who was in ther Air Force (my dad).  She showed my mom a picture of him and my mom thought he was so handsome.  She started writing to him and sent a picture of herself.  My dad started writing back.  This went on for a few months.  My dad came home on leave and my mom said when she opened the door to meet him for the first time it was love at first sight for both of them.  They were married shortly after that and this fall will have their 53rd anniversary.  They are still young, mom is 70 and dad is 75; 9 kids are 51 to 40; and 30 grandchildren to boot.

After I hung up, I was very teary eyed.  53 years!!!!!!!!!  Sheez and I am 48 and alone again...........  Just having a pity party tonight.

I am the "pick yourself up and dust yourself off" kind of person.  Have done many things in my life as far as starting new businesses; if it didn't work, I would find something else.  Now I can't even get up the energy to scrub a toilet.  Now I need to get someone physically next to me every minute to pick me up and make me move!!!!!

Why is it like this???????????

SOrry about the rant. I don't feel normal.  I feel like an alien in my own skin.

Carrie










12
Main / WOW.........What can happen in just a few hours!!!
« on: May 08, 2009, 10:53:33 PM »
Hi all:

What a day I have had!!!!!!!!!!!  What a week it has been..........

My almost 17 year old son was home a couple days this week; he said his stomach hurt.  He is highly functioning autistic.  There alot of reasons he doesn't want to go to school; but I figured we are at the end of the school year; swine flu, not feeling good, he can stay home.  He didn't complain much at all about his stomach.

He was home 2 days and then I had to pick up my daughter from school yesterday as she had a temp and wasn't feeling well.

I figured they had some kind of virus going around

So X picked up kids one day early as my house had no air working and it is 100 degrees here in Phoenix.

X calls me about noon today and says he is at the ER with out son.  He took him to the Dr. and told him son said his stomach just didn't feel right.  Dr. said go to ER way far away from where we live, as there would be not much of a wait for him to be seen.

It turned out after CT scan he had really bad appendix.  Did emergency surgery.  It hadn't burst yet, but after surgery Dr. said it was filled with gangrene.  It is bad enough to have burst appendix, but to be filled with gangrene is very bad!!!

My son is autistic, but he also has a disorder that he only feels surface pain, like a cut on his arm or scrape, he is a big baby.  Anything deeper than that (internal) he doesn't really feel it.

We were questioned repeatedly about how he even got to the ER and was not crawling in and screaming in pain.  Because he should have been, but explained disorder.

Nurse said he should be getting morphine.  I told her no, he doesn't feel much.  We took out the pain chart and he said he was at a 2.  They said it should be at 8.

Now I have confirmation that my Father God is with me and does have a plan which is His.  My son's dr. could have ordered a Ct scan for him for next week and dr. said his appendix probably would have burst by then and then to have gangrene on top of it??????????  Fatal!!!!!!!!!

Even though I cried for a long time during his surgery as it reminded me of Laurence and so many times in the hospital..........God is still here.........

Today has been tough but a great blessing to me............quite unexpected......

God is real, He is alive, He is working in our lives...........He knows our pain.

Hugs to all my friends here,

Carrie


13
Main / BEFORE............AND.................AFTER
« on: May 06, 2009, 10:48:26 PM »
Before Laurence died, we loved to grocery shop together.  It was always a fun time.
After:  I hate the grocery store.  It is no fun.

Before:  I couldn't wait to get up every morning.
After:  I dread the mornings.

Before:  I couldn't wait for him to ride his bike to my house (he was a health nut).
After:  I can't stand to look at my bike.

Before:  We loved to cook together.  Taught me how to use the pressure cooker; even bought me a couple (am scared of them).
After:  Will get rid of the pressure cookers.

Before:  Sat with the kids at the table and ate like a family.
After:  Haven't done it.

Before:  Loved to pray together, him and me, and with the kids.
After:  Have no one to pray with.

Before:  Very hopeful.
After:  Hopeless

Before:  Wore makeup, cared about how I looked.
After:  3" of root growth, no makeup; hard to work up the effort to take a shower.

Before:  Had a clean house
After:  Pig sty

Before:  Loved music (especially his)
After:  can't listen to any

Before:  Life was so bright I had to wear shades
After:  Wear shades so no one can see the puffy eyes and sadness in them.

Before:  Loved going anywhere with him.
After:  It is a chore.

Before:  Loved a little bit of solitude away from him (just a short breather)
Now:  Hate the solitude.

Before:  Loved how he would put a vase of roses outside his front door when I was coming over (roses from his yard)
After:  Can't stand seeing roses in the grocery store.

Before:  Loved exercising with him in his home gym.
Now:  Never exercise at all

Before:  Loved seeing older couples holding hands.
Now:  Am sad and feel cheated.

Before:  Had the list of guests for Oct 6 wedding last year; all the way down to floral arrangements, food, etc.
Now:  NOTHING

Before:  Loved him telling my how beautiful I was and commenting on my clothes, etc.
Now:  He would be really grossed out how I look!

Before:  Loved to watch Wheel of Fortune; Who's Smarter than a 5th Grader (we liked to challenge each other)
Now:  Haven't watched any of those shows since.

Before:  Loved to help him put his laundry away, right down to folding his big underwear (he was 6'1" 250 lb. powerlifter).
After:  Can't even cope with the piles of laundry I have.

Before:  Loved to watch House and CSI
After:  Can't watch anything to do with death.

Before:  Loved for the phone to ring.
After:  Hate the phone; it's not him.

Before:  Loved his great sense of humor; his imitations of Forrest Gumpf
After:  No humor here.

Before:  Loved his zest for life even living with brain tumors, HE LIVED!!!
After:  No zest here.........just in robotic motion

Before:  Miss him telling me "quit rolling your eyes"
After:  My eyes are not moving, other than creating new rivers in this hot Arizona.

Before:  Loved how he interacted with my kids and with discipline and love how he changed their lives.
After:  They are rebelling BIG TIME.

Before:  Loved that he loved me even though I smoked cigarettes; I kept it to a minimum when aruond him and completely away from him.
After:   Miss the nagging.  Smoking more than every now!

Before:  He loved my business; loved hearing everything about it; watching prices rise on auctions.
Now:  I don't really like my business; my cheerleader is gone.

Before:  Loved his hugs; loved being this tiny little person next to a big guy.
Now:  Just feelling really little.

Before:  Loved holding his HUGE hand.
Now:   :'( :'( :'(

Before:  Loved that he cared enough to go to my son's school conferences (autistic); going to dr. appointments with me for the kids, going to my daughter's recitals.
Now:  I can hardly make it to a school conference.

Before:  Loved how he called his mom every Sunday after we left church and would tell her how much he loved her.  She would say I love you more and I have loved you longer.
After:  Feel terrible for his mom.  She loved him so much.

Before:  How much he expressed and showed such love to his children.
After:   :'( :'( :'(

Before:  When he was in hospice and had a lucid moment and asked me "What can I do for you?"
After:  Just come back.

Before:  When he was in hospice and had another lucid moment asked me what he did to deserve this?????????  I told him absolutely nothing!!!!!!!!  Who thinks they will ever get the worst brain cancer there is????????
After:  I can't imagine what I did to deserve him not being here!!!!!!!!!!

Before:  Even during illness I was strong and believing for a miracle for him and he never complained.
After:  I am so weak...........

Before:  How he could strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.
After:  I can hardly talk on the phone.  My sister told me the other day I was mumbling.

Before:  How we loved to sit outside and look at the ponds he had built with gorgeous waterfall, feeding the fish and turtles.
After:   :'( :'( :'( :'(

Before:  HOw I loved the passion he had for me.
Now:  I have no passion for anything.

Before:  Loved being called his "Queen"
After:  I have been dethroned.

Before:  How I felt so secure in having him in my life.
After:  Very insecure about everything.

I could go on and on, please add your before and after's.

Luv

Carrie




14
Main / MORE BAD NEWS TONIGHT
« on: May 03, 2009, 11:15:48 PM »
Hi all:

Please pray for my neighbor Demetrius (Dee for short).  He was stabbed today in his stomach and his arm was severely injured.  By the son of a 60's something woman he has done work for at her house around the corner from us.  Apparently the son has some mental issues and followed him home and surprised him.  For whatever reason we don't know.

He has had surgery and lost a bit of his liver and had surgery on his arm also.  He has been a god send for me as he has checked on me a few times a day since L died 4 months ago, has put gas in my car; installed an a/c unit; helped me clean up my house and just been a really great friend.  Always checking on me to see how I am holding up; bringing food, etc.

I don't live in the hood, nice neighborhood, but there are some evil people anywhere we live.  The man has been arrested.

I have been blessed to have Dee in my life during these horrible months; even if I am not always able to laugh as he tries to make me.  He is a wonderful father.

I will go see him tomorrow at the hospital (one that Laurence had been to a couple times).  I can do it!!!!!!!!

Carrie




15
Main / ANOTHER LONELY SATURDAY NIGHT OF GRIEF
« on: May 02, 2009, 09:27:08 PM »
 :-\ :-\ :-\

AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL I'VE GOT TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!

Above was one of L's favorite sayings to my kids.  They would complaint about something or other and he would then instruct them and end it with the above phrase.

How I long for the weekends with homeade spaghetti, crock pot roast, mashed potatoes, grilling, L, me and my 2 kids sitting at the table with no tv on and praying, then talking about the kids day.  Going to church and then brunch after or even Denny's was great!

Miss just hanging out together on Sunday, doing nothing but napping in the afternoon, watching a movie or 2, playing cards or games with the kids.

Went to my girlfriend's house tonight for awhile; she had a chemical peel done on her face yesterday and was talking about getting botox.  She is a single mom and really wants someone in her life, so she is doing things to make herself feel better and look better.  Which Kudos to her and I mean that nicely.

I told her I don't care about botox; all I need are my sunglasses to cover my puffy eyes.  Then stopped by Circle K after that and when I came out this man was standing outside and said something to me.  I thought he was asking for money.  So I said "what did you say".  He said "you are a very sexy pretty woman".  OH HELP>>>>>>>>>>>>I cried all the way home.  Only want 1 person to say that to me and he is gone!!!!!!!!

I am again single at 48!!  Gosh, life is so unfair.  I have 8 brothers and sisters, some heading into close to 30 years of marriage.  I pray they never have to go through this and can live into the golden years together.

What I don't understand is how I met someone and we spent hundreds of hours with each other in 13 months (he was semi-retired and I worked at home), so we were together all day long, how come he is gone?????

How could it be that he got something that was so rare and I had to endure with him 2.8 years of incurable cancer???????  How is it that every time I saw him every day that my heart skipped a beat????????

I am venting and rambling because it hurts so much.  Today my son was wearing one of his shirts (which I didn't even realize until my son told me.  I guess L had given it to him along with some other shirts a couple years ago).  My son asked me where a couple of the other shirts were.  I don't know; it's all been just a blur.  My son is a big boy and I should have gone over to L's house after he died and let him take whatever he wanted out of his closet as they wore the same shirt size.  I was surprised my son even said L's name as he has been very quiet about it since his death.

As many of you know, my son is autistic and L loved on him from day one, taught him how to eat properly, hold his shoulders back, his head high and believe in himself.  Many times had to discipline him (not physically).  I think my son misses that as his dad is okay with him but I know he doesn't sit and talk with him and try to build him up like L did.  And I am sure the kids are missing the "family" togetherness they had never had before.

Oh well, it's not what I signed up for, but it is what it is.  I do know now that if anyone tells you God does not give you more than you can handle, you will need to reference that in the Bible as it does not say that at all!!

He will comfort us, though.

Carrie









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