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16
Main / WHAT ELSE CAN I HANDLE????????????????????
« on: April 21, 2009, 11:33:39 PM »
Hi all:
Was 100 degrees here in Phoenix today. Coming into 5 months of 3 digit temps. My central a/c is done. $3,000 to bring a new one in. DOn't have that.
A window a/c unit was okay with fans running. Laurence could fix anything and he did fix my a/c big unit last May 3 weeks after brain surgery and 2 weeks before being diagnosed with 3 more inoperable ones. Computer fried last week and am no operating on an insufficient rebuilt one, which isn't work well at all.
Am crying alot lately; sat in my closet the other day just sobbing as I couldn't find some paperwork I needed.
Bathroom sink doesn't work, dishwasher went. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The one who could fix all those things is not here. Kids are here 2 weeks out of the month and sleep in the living room with me as that is where the a/c is. They have been fighting and screaming at me alot.
Demanding money for this or that which I cannot afford to give them. I am just living day to day; trying to handle almost 4 months out. They get fed, get to school, clean clothes, but haven't seen a real home-cooked meal for 6 months.
My 17 year old son asked me tonight where was a shirt Laurence had given him a couple years ago and he was mad because he could not find it. I don't know where it is and I'm sure I didn't give it away. Maybe it is under his bed with a mountain of other things???
One month from now school is out and I have to decide if I can make it financially through the summer working at home. If they are alone (if I can find a job), I am very fearful of what will happen. My son is autistic and almost 17; my daugher is almost 12. They fight terribly and I can't imagine leaving them for almost 3 months all day long (actually 2 weeks out of the month) to fend for themselves. I do not have cable, wii, xbox, or all those things kids have nowadays. Their dad does at his house, but they are bored here.
At times they get very physical with each other and I have to step in; my son doesn't realize what he does to her can be very damaging as far as slamming her head into the wall.
So what do I do?
???No one will babysit a 17 and 12 year old. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!
My son is okay to ride his skateboard through the neighborhood but my daughter is not okay walking the streets with her little friends and if I am not here she will do that.
I am one upset and very frightened mom.
Any suggestions???
Carrie
Was 100 degrees here in Phoenix today. Coming into 5 months of 3 digit temps. My central a/c is done. $3,000 to bring a new one in. DOn't have that.
A window a/c unit was okay with fans running. Laurence could fix anything and he did fix my a/c big unit last May 3 weeks after brain surgery and 2 weeks before being diagnosed with 3 more inoperable ones. Computer fried last week and am no operating on an insufficient rebuilt one, which isn't work well at all.
Am crying alot lately; sat in my closet the other day just sobbing as I couldn't find some paperwork I needed.
Bathroom sink doesn't work, dishwasher went. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The one who could fix all those things is not here. Kids are here 2 weeks out of the month and sleep in the living room with me as that is where the a/c is. They have been fighting and screaming at me alot.
Demanding money for this or that which I cannot afford to give them. I am just living day to day; trying to handle almost 4 months out. They get fed, get to school, clean clothes, but haven't seen a real home-cooked meal for 6 months.
My 17 year old son asked me tonight where was a shirt Laurence had given him a couple years ago and he was mad because he could not find it. I don't know where it is and I'm sure I didn't give it away. Maybe it is under his bed with a mountain of other things???
One month from now school is out and I have to decide if I can make it financially through the summer working at home. If they are alone (if I can find a job), I am very fearful of what will happen. My son is autistic and almost 17; my daugher is almost 12. They fight terribly and I can't imagine leaving them for almost 3 months all day long (actually 2 weeks out of the month) to fend for themselves. I do not have cable, wii, xbox, or all those things kids have nowadays. Their dad does at his house, but they are bored here.
At times they get very physical with each other and I have to step in; my son doesn't realize what he does to her can be very damaging as far as slamming her head into the wall.
So what do I do?
???No one will babysit a 17 and 12 year old. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!My son is okay to ride his skateboard through the neighborhood but my daughter is not okay walking the streets with her little friends and if I am not here she will do that.
I am one upset and very frightened mom.
Any suggestions?
??Carrie
17
Main / GRIEF GRIEF GO AWAY; DON'T WANT ANOTHER DAY!!
« on: April 18, 2009, 12:24:04 AM »
Hi all of my friends:
I don't like this heavy coat I am wearing lately; I can't seem to get it off of me. It is with me all day and I am tired. The last couple days I am haunted by the fact that I will never see Laurence again physically, never hear his deep voice, wonderful laugh, sense of humor.
In a few weeks it is 4 months since L died and on the same day is the 3 year anniversary of CANCER/BRAIN TUMOR surgery. How I hate what happened to him. ANd me.........
April 6 was the 6 month anniversary of when we were to be married (Oct. 6 08) but damn cancer aggressively took over from 3 inoperable tumors being 80% gone to new stuff growing).
My computer went a few days ago, but couldn't have L fix it like he always does. Had to go get another one (as if I can afford it; some other bill will have to wait now). Something is wrong with the dishwasher, the bathroom plumbing, my central a/c unit is out (thousands of dollars for a new one and I don't have that $$$$) and we are coming into our 5 months of hell heat. Everything he fixed and I didn't have to pay for.
I do not like myself right now. I don't care about anything; I have no self-confidence left; I am tired of being in my house day in and day out alone.
I am going to grief support at my church the last couple of weeks; it's the only thing I look forward to. It helps a little.
I am sorry to vent and cry like a big baby here. It is only you people that helped me early on to make sure I drank liquids and I wouldn't probably have done that if I wouldn't have had so much good advice here. Because I really didn't care whether I died or not. I am eating now, so that is good.
I know everyone here is hurting and have alot of struggles like me. Forgive me for dumping on you.
I guess I am looking for some sort of magic bandaid to make this all go away. I had to stop writing here as have spent the last hour just crying. I am so lost.
Please help me.........
Carrie
I don't like this heavy coat I am wearing lately; I can't seem to get it off of me. It is with me all day and I am tired. The last couple days I am haunted by the fact that I will never see Laurence again physically, never hear his deep voice, wonderful laugh, sense of humor.
In a few weeks it is 4 months since L died and on the same day is the 3 year anniversary of CANCER/BRAIN TUMOR surgery. How I hate what happened to him. ANd me.........
April 6 was the 6 month anniversary of when we were to be married (Oct. 6 08) but damn cancer aggressively took over from 3 inoperable tumors being 80% gone to new stuff growing).
My computer went a few days ago, but couldn't have L fix it like he always does. Had to go get another one (as if I can afford it; some other bill will have to wait now). Something is wrong with the dishwasher, the bathroom plumbing, my central a/c unit is out (thousands of dollars for a new one and I don't have that $$$$) and we are coming into our 5 months of hell heat. Everything he fixed and I didn't have to pay for.
I do not like myself right now. I don't care about anything; I have no self-confidence left; I am tired of being in my house day in and day out alone.
I am going to grief support at my church the last couple of weeks; it's the only thing I look forward to. It helps a little.
I am sorry to vent and cry like a big baby here. It is only you people that helped me early on to make sure I drank liquids and I wouldn't probably have done that if I wouldn't have had so much good advice here. Because I really didn't care whether I died or not. I am eating now, so that is good.
I know everyone here is hurting and have alot of struggles like me. Forgive me for dumping on you.
I guess I am looking for some sort of magic bandaid to make this all go away. I had to stop writing here as have spent the last hour just crying. I am so lost.
Please help me.........
Carrie
18
Main / ANOTHER HOLIDAY ALONE
« on: April 12, 2009, 10:10:52 PM »
Hi everyone:
How was your Easter? Hope you had family and friends with you. I was invited to my friend's house. She didn't make a traditional Easter dinner as she wasn't up to it. She is a divorced mom with 1 child and had no Easter plans either so we had wonderful homemade split pea soup. It was very nice and better than being alone.
This was my week for my kids to be with their dad so I am sure that they had a nice Easter with his extended family. Mine lives 1600 miles alway. Sigh............
Again, another DGI moment and I blew it off and never responded. My friend today told me she just wasn't into holidays anymore because it was just her and her daughter. I told her I understand as Laurence died on Christmas Eve this past year. I told her it may be a long time before I care about a holiday, especially Christmas.
She actually scolded me and told me I need to get over it. He's gone and you need to get on with it. Yet, she hasn't suffered a loss of a spouse or partner and she wasn't caring about holidays, either? I didn't scold her for her bad attitude!! I know she doesn't get it; so therefore no comment from me to her. I hate this new life (sorry to be such a downer on Easter), but why is it that when you suffer the worst loss in your life that others are so unsympathetic towards you? Why, was it because I was strong for him for 2.8 years battling brain cancer? And then after he died, I crashed and they think I am still supposed to be strong like before? Maybe if I would have crashed during the illness, I may have gotten more empathy??? I don't know. It guess I need to quit thinking about me and my feelings right now as that is what everyone wants me to do.
I know God gave me the strength to be strong during his long illness; He has got to give me the strength to get through the aftermath of this devastation. I am 3.5 months out on this journey and feel like my life is over. Me, who fixed my hair and wore makeup when I left the house, now takes a shower every 7 days and sleeps in the same clothes for days (I work at home, who cares?). I can't believe this is the "new me".
I am better than I was the first couple months. At least I am regaining the 20 lbs I lost and am not living on a diet of ensure and gatorade, but am still trying to crawl out of the pit of despair and fear.
It was hard today to drive to my friend's house and see multiple cars outside of people's homes. I didn't make it to church; Laurence and I loved going to church. I couldn't bear getting dressed up, sitting alone and then going home alone to nothing.
Just another pity party. Wish it was a gravel pit party like in high school. No worries then. Some of you may know what the "gravel pit" party means.
Please tell me there are better days ahead; I am sinking again. For some reason even after going thru Christmas Day and New Years without L, this one hit hard.
Hugs to my compassionate and loving friends here,
Carrie
How was your Easter? Hope you had family and friends with you. I was invited to my friend's house. She didn't make a traditional Easter dinner as she wasn't up to it. She is a divorced mom with 1 child and had no Easter plans either so we had wonderful homemade split pea soup. It was very nice and better than being alone.
This was my week for my kids to be with their dad so I am sure that they had a nice Easter with his extended family. Mine lives 1600 miles alway. Sigh............
Again, another DGI moment and I blew it off and never responded. My friend today told me she just wasn't into holidays anymore because it was just her and her daughter. I told her I understand as Laurence died on Christmas Eve this past year. I told her it may be a long time before I care about a holiday, especially Christmas.
She actually scolded me and told me I need to get over it. He's gone and you need to get on with it. Yet, she hasn't suffered a loss of a spouse or partner and she wasn't caring about holidays, either? I didn't scold her for her bad attitude!! I know she doesn't get it; so therefore no comment from me to her. I hate this new life (sorry to be such a downer on Easter), but why is it that when you suffer the worst loss in your life that others are so unsympathetic towards you? Why, was it because I was strong for him for 2.8 years battling brain cancer? And then after he died, I crashed and they think I am still supposed to be strong like before? Maybe if I would have crashed during the illness, I may have gotten more empathy??? I don't know. It guess I need to quit thinking about me and my feelings right now as that is what everyone wants me to do.
I know God gave me the strength to be strong during his long illness; He has got to give me the strength to get through the aftermath of this devastation. I am 3.5 months out on this journey and feel like my life is over. Me, who fixed my hair and wore makeup when I left the house, now takes a shower every 7 days and sleeps in the same clothes for days (I work at home, who cares?). I can't believe this is the "new me".
I am better than I was the first couple months. At least I am regaining the 20 lbs I lost and am not living on a diet of ensure and gatorade, but am still trying to crawl out of the pit of despair and fear.
It was hard today to drive to my friend's house and see multiple cars outside of people's homes. I didn't make it to church; Laurence and I loved going to church. I couldn't bear getting dressed up, sitting alone and then going home alone to nothing.
Just another pity party. Wish it was a gravel pit party like in high school. No worries then. Some of you may know what the "gravel pit" party means.
Please tell me there are better days ahead; I am sinking again. For some reason even after going thru Christmas Day and New Years without L, this one hit hard.
Hugs to my compassionate and loving friends here,
Carrie
19
Main / MY NEW RESPONSE TO HOW ARE YOU DOING
« on: April 05, 2009, 12:12:55 PM »I think from now on if someone asks me how am I doing I am going to say:
Well, after 2.8 years of caring for my love who had multiple brain surgeries and cleaning up vomit, diapering a 6'1" 235 man (I am 5'1" and now 105 lbs), trying to get him up off the floor many times; watching him lose his mind; have a grand maul seizure; take him to chemo; having his kids try to accuse me of having "bad intentions" towards their dad (as in I was going to get something from him after he died that was theirs); him trying to communicate and not being able to understand him; him having a stroke; his oldest 2 kids (40 and 35) leaving me with him alone in hospice and going out of state for Christmas knowing their Dad had only a few days left and the pain I think it caused him; and the list goes on and on and on..........
NO, I AM NOT DOING OKAY. Would you like me to add to the above list as there is more if you would like to hear it!!!
Thank you for letting me rant and rave. No one else gets it.
Carrie
20
Main / LOSS OF A MARRIAGE/SPOUSE/PARTNER
« on: April 05, 2009, 11:32:24 AM »
After having read hundreds of posts on here and other sites, I have found myself sometimes being very envious of those who were married and how much love you and your spouses had for each other.
Laurence and I never got to be married as he was side-swiped by brain cancer. We only had 13 wonderful months together and IT came along and destroyed our lives.
Prior to his first brain surgery L had such an incredible passion for me which I have never experienced like that before in my life. After having 4 surgeries in 4 months (which is coming up on 3 years ago already), he lost that passion/affection/intimacy. I did not know until after he died that he had part of his brain removed (that had to do with emotion). I found out from his best friend Jim who was present with L when the dr. told them. L did not want anyone to know.
But I knew something was not right. I just figured it takes awhile for the brain to heal as such trauma is done to it when cut into so many times. But I did seen an MRI which showed the dip in his brain; I never questioned it as I just thought it was where the tumors sat and eventually the tissue would come back up to where it should be. Needless to say I am glad I didn't know; I would have been horrified.
So I started grieving the loss of my passionate man a couple years before he died. I truly thought that part of him would heal and he wanted me with him every day, all day, so I figured the rest of it would one day appear again.
It did............while he was in hospice with his brain covered with tumors. Every time I came in the room he would pucker his lips because he wanted me to kiss him. And for the first time in 2.8 years he told me he loved me; said it twice when he had a lucid moment. I heard I love you all of the time for the 1st 13 months we were together and then the ENEMY came in and stole him from me and at the end of his life I heard those beautiful words again.
Makes me cry just typing this. D**N I hate brain cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So back to the being envious of those who had longer marriages with their spouses. I had a marriage once, too. It was 20 years with my 1st husband (16 of it married and 2 awesome kids). One with autism; our lives turned upside down when he turned 3. With all of the stress, chaos, drs for the next 10 years, it all somehow managed to destroy our marriage.
We had our son in a clinic in LA for 5 months trying to get some help with him and $10,000 went down the tubes as it didn't help him at all. One day the psychologist(sp?) told us he was surprised we were still together given the fact that as bad as our son was most marriages didn't last. Well 2 years later it was over. My husband was so angry over the chaos in our lives he turned his anger towards me. He blamed me for how our son was.
Anyway my son is going to be 17 next month. He got intensive help from the age of 10 until he was 15 (alot of help from Laurence who spent hours and hours with him teaching him to look people in the eye, helping him with his self-esteem, encouraging him in every way he could, going to school conferences, etc). Laurence was truly God sent as I don't think my son would be like he is today if L wouldn't have worked with him like he did. His life was dramatically changed. He looks like a normal kid, acts like one, although his thinking is a little out there, but I praise God for what my son has become.
Sorry about writing a biography.
Anyway after going through the marriage bust, being with L almost 4 years, his passing, and then having 3 months reading here about wonderful marriages, I am going to meet with my X and talk about the past. Since my kid's lives are so much better now and the chaos is long gone, I want my kids to see that their mom and dad can get along and be friends. And I believe their dad would be willing to do that. The blow of death has slapped me in the face and I realize I want my kids to have 2 parents that can become unselfish and get along.
This new journey has just shed alot of light on what is important.
Hope I make some sense.
Carrie
Laurence and I never got to be married as he was side-swiped by brain cancer. We only had 13 wonderful months together and IT came along and destroyed our lives.
Prior to his first brain surgery L had such an incredible passion for me which I have never experienced like that before in my life. After having 4 surgeries in 4 months (which is coming up on 3 years ago already), he lost that passion/affection/intimacy. I did not know until after he died that he had part of his brain removed (that had to do with emotion). I found out from his best friend Jim who was present with L when the dr. told them. L did not want anyone to know.
But I knew something was not right. I just figured it takes awhile for the brain to heal as such trauma is done to it when cut into so many times. But I did seen an MRI which showed the dip in his brain; I never questioned it as I just thought it was where the tumors sat and eventually the tissue would come back up to where it should be. Needless to say I am glad I didn't know; I would have been horrified.
So I started grieving the loss of my passionate man a couple years before he died. I truly thought that part of him would heal and he wanted me with him every day, all day, so I figured the rest of it would one day appear again.
It did............while he was in hospice with his brain covered with tumors. Every time I came in the room he would pucker his lips because he wanted me to kiss him. And for the first time in 2.8 years he told me he loved me; said it twice when he had a lucid moment. I heard I love you all of the time for the 1st 13 months we were together and then the ENEMY came in and stole him from me and at the end of his life I heard those beautiful words again.
Makes me cry just typing this. D**N I hate brain cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So back to the being envious of those who had longer marriages with their spouses. I had a marriage once, too. It was 20 years with my 1st husband (16 of it married and 2 awesome kids). One with autism; our lives turned upside down when he turned 3. With all of the stress, chaos, drs for the next 10 years, it all somehow managed to destroy our marriage.
We had our son in a clinic in LA for 5 months trying to get some help with him and $10,000 went down the tubes as it didn't help him at all. One day the psychologist(sp?) told us he was surprised we were still together given the fact that as bad as our son was most marriages didn't last. Well 2 years later it was over. My husband was so angry over the chaos in our lives he turned his anger towards me. He blamed me for how our son was.
Anyway my son is going to be 17 next month. He got intensive help from the age of 10 until he was 15 (alot of help from Laurence who spent hours and hours with him teaching him to look people in the eye, helping him with his self-esteem, encouraging him in every way he could, going to school conferences, etc). Laurence was truly God sent as I don't think my son would be like he is today if L wouldn't have worked with him like he did. His life was dramatically changed. He looks like a normal kid, acts like one, although his thinking is a little out there, but I praise God for what my son has become.
Sorry about writing a biography.
Anyway after going through the marriage bust, being with L almost 4 years, his passing, and then having 3 months reading here about wonderful marriages, I am going to meet with my X and talk about the past. Since my kid's lives are so much better now and the chaos is long gone, I want my kids to see that their mom and dad can get along and be friends. And I believe their dad would be willing to do that. The blow of death has slapped me in the face and I realize I want my kids to have 2 parents that can become unselfish and get along.
This new journey has just shed alot of light on what is important.
Hope I make some sense.
Carrie
21
Main / LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET
« on: April 03, 2009, 12:58:02 AM »
Hi all:
Up late as usual......have always been a night owl most of my life.
One thing Laurence loved was the Forrest Gump (sp?) movie. He could imitate him in so many of the scenes of that movie. My kids would just roar laughing. We all watched that movie many times.
Life is like a box of chocolates........we really don't know what we are going to get........ and I need to come to a place where I can accept that. I had to accept it with horrifying marriage and divorce, with an autistic child and watching him not have the "normal" childhood I had envisioned for him, loss of classmate friends because he was "different", not being able to play sports, not being able to interact with other kids, etc. It took 10 years of hell to get him diagnosed, tons of doctors, thousands of dollars, tons of tears, and he is succeeding beyond my beliefs today at almost 17. He is not the same as most kids his age, but has found much love, compassion and acceptance at church.
I just need to make my way through this. Did I pick the wrong piece of chocolate every time? It has been many years of an agonizing journey. I guess I must just accept it is the way it is and not fold under it all.
Peace and luv to U all,
Carrie
Up late as usual......have always been a night owl most of my life.
One thing Laurence loved was the Forrest Gump (sp?) movie. He could imitate him in so many of the scenes of that movie. My kids would just roar laughing. We all watched that movie many times.
Life is like a box of chocolates........we really don't know what we are going to get........ and I need to come to a place where I can accept that. I had to accept it with horrifying marriage and divorce, with an autistic child and watching him not have the "normal" childhood I had envisioned for him, loss of classmate friends because he was "different", not being able to play sports, not being able to interact with other kids, etc. It took 10 years of hell to get him diagnosed, tons of doctors, thousands of dollars, tons of tears, and he is succeeding beyond my beliefs today at almost 17. He is not the same as most kids his age, but has found much love, compassion and acceptance at church.
I just need to make my way through this. Did I pick the wrong piece of chocolate every time? It has been many years of an agonizing journey. I guess I must just accept it is the way it is and not fold under it all.
Peace and luv to U all,
Carrie
22
Main / POLICE OFFICER AT MY DOOR TODAY
« on: April 02, 2009, 04:16:17 PM »
I get a knock on my door today and when I open it there is a policeman there. I had just gotten up so I looked horrible (as I have for the last 3 months), eyes swollen, hair a mess.
He asked me if I was Carrie. Then told me my mom (who lives in MN and I am in AZ) called the police here to come and check on me as she was seriously worried about me as she couldn't get ahold of my by phone. So much for pulling the plug on the phone when you aren't feeling like talking to solicitors as who else calls anymore? I am supposed to passed this grief monster, right?
It is only unplugged for part of the day, so when my mom has tried to call was probably during those times or I was out of the house.
So I stood outside blubbering and snotting everywhere as I told him I was fine; that my fiancee had died at Christmas time. He asked me from what? Brain cancer.
Are you sure that you are okay? You don't look okay. Do you need some help? No. I am just grieving.
He was really really nice and kept asking me if I was okay (he was referring to suicidal). I said I wouldn't do that I have 2 kids.
Well, call your mom back; she needs to know you are okay. Yes, I will. Are you sure I can't help you in some way? YES, IF YOU CAN BRING MY FIANCEE BACK, THAT WOULD HELP ALOT!!! I truly did say that.
So I call my mom just bawling. Told her I was sorry she couldn't reach me (sent her an email a few days ago). She said I needed more medication. I told her I already take enough and it makes me sleepy. Can't take anymore.
She loves me very much and I know she is worried about me. She then told me I must not be answering my door either. I asked her why would she think that and she said because she had called Arizona hospice and someone came out to my house and I didn't answer the door. Probably because I am sleeping until 2:00 in the afternoon.
Anyway, I told her I loved her and thanked her for her concern, but I wasn't going to off myself.
Oh Lord help me.................
Carrie
He asked me if I was Carrie. Then told me my mom (who lives in MN and I am in AZ) called the police here to come and check on me as she was seriously worried about me as she couldn't get ahold of my by phone. So much for pulling the plug on the phone when you aren't feeling like talking to solicitors as who else calls anymore? I am supposed to passed this grief monster, right?
It is only unplugged for part of the day, so when my mom has tried to call was probably during those times or I was out of the house.
So I stood outside blubbering and snotting everywhere as I told him I was fine; that my fiancee had died at Christmas time. He asked me from what? Brain cancer.
Are you sure that you are okay? You don't look okay. Do you need some help? No. I am just grieving.
He was really really nice and kept asking me if I was okay (he was referring to suicidal). I said I wouldn't do that I have 2 kids.
Well, call your mom back; she needs to know you are okay. Yes, I will. Are you sure I can't help you in some way? YES, IF YOU CAN BRING MY FIANCEE BACK, THAT WOULD HELP ALOT!!! I truly did say that.
So I call my mom just bawling. Told her I was sorry she couldn't reach me (sent her an email a few days ago). She said I needed more medication. I told her I already take enough and it makes me sleepy. Can't take anymore.
She loves me very much and I know she is worried about me. She then told me I must not be answering my door either. I asked her why would she think that and she said because she had called Arizona hospice and someone came out to my house and I didn't answer the door. Probably because I am sleeping until 2:00 in the afternoon.
Anyway, I told her I loved her and thanked her for her concern, but I wasn't going to off myself.
Oh Lord help me.................
Carrie
23
Main / WHAT DOES GRIEF TEACH US
« on: April 01, 2009, 05:16:49 PM »
Hi everyone:
I found this on a grief site and wanted to share it with you:
GRIEF teaches us that the world is not predicable.LIFE happens when we least expect it. The Buddhists talk about the fragility of life and life's plans.They talk about the impermanence of things, Grief says,"yeah they're right."
Grief teaches us appreciation.When we were tiny babies,our moms and dads, aunts and uncles, grandparents,brothers and sisters, came to the crib,picked us up,held us made funny faces and noises, we felt comfortable.We felt safe.In retrospect, grief teaches us that security in Life,happiness comes not from education,or not from achievement,or from possessions, or bank accounts.Happiness and security comes from the fact that there are people who are there for us, people who love us.
Grief teaches us that we get our meaning system,we are safe enough to vote for a particular party .to get an education ,to get up in the morning,to follow our Faith, to hold certain values.
Grief teaches us that when a loved one dies , the rug has been pulled out from under us.The attachment that defined us as a mom or a dad, a grandparent,a brother or a sister is broken,THE WORLD IS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE. It is no longer safe to hold the values that we held. We feel that everything is Topsy turvy.
Grief teaches us about Spirituality, Grief teaches us the lessons of openness,In the course of our lives,we have had to build walls around ourselves.We could not have survived in the playground much less the school, or business world unless we protected ourselves by building walls.When you share with those at your table with you,you are giving them the best gift that you can. You are taking a brick or two out of those protective walls and allowing others to see for the fragile , venerable,pain filled person that you are.
Grief gives us the lesson of attentiveness.When we listen to the bereaved,.we are offering the best we have.How rare is it to actually have someone listen to us.So often people will tell us something and our minds are a thousand miles away.So when we listen to one another we give the second greatest gift the gift of attention,
Grief teaches us appreciation of time. Ours is the only culture that has a phrase about killing time.Grief teaches us what a terrible expression that is.
Carrie
I found this on a grief site and wanted to share it with you:
GRIEF teaches us that the world is not predicable.LIFE happens when we least expect it. The Buddhists talk about the fragility of life and life's plans.They talk about the impermanence of things, Grief says,"yeah they're right."
Grief teaches us appreciation.When we were tiny babies,our moms and dads, aunts and uncles, grandparents,brothers and sisters, came to the crib,picked us up,held us made funny faces and noises, we felt comfortable.We felt safe.In retrospect, grief teaches us that security in Life,happiness comes not from education,or not from achievement,or from possessions, or bank accounts.Happiness and security comes from the fact that there are people who are there for us, people who love us.
Grief teaches us that we get our meaning system,we are safe enough to vote for a particular party .to get an education ,to get up in the morning,to follow our Faith, to hold certain values.
Grief teaches us that when a loved one dies , the rug has been pulled out from under us.The attachment that defined us as a mom or a dad, a grandparent,a brother or a sister is broken,THE WORLD IS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE. It is no longer safe to hold the values that we held. We feel that everything is Topsy turvy.
Grief teaches us about Spirituality, Grief teaches us the lessons of openness,In the course of our lives,we have had to build walls around ourselves.We could not have survived in the playground much less the school, or business world unless we protected ourselves by building walls.When you share with those at your table with you,you are giving them the best gift that you can. You are taking a brick or two out of those protective walls and allowing others to see for the fragile , venerable,pain filled person that you are.
Grief gives us the lesson of attentiveness.When we listen to the bereaved,.we are offering the best we have.How rare is it to actually have someone listen to us.So often people will tell us something and our minds are a thousand miles away.So when we listen to one another we give the second greatest gift the gift of attention,
Grief teaches us appreciation of time. Ours is the only culture that has a phrase about killing time.Grief teaches us what a terrible expression that is.
Carrie
24
Main / WELL-MEANING FRIENDS
« on: April 01, 2009, 04:50:59 PM »
Hi all:
My best friend sent me an email today. I love her dearly; we have been friends for 25 years.
Now mind you I took care of my partner Laurence for 2.8 years with brain tumors until he died on Dec 24 08. So I am at just a little over 3 months.
However, I felt a little hurt by what she said. Here it is:
" know you are in a great deal of pain but you must move forward. You are
not honoring Laurence by not living your life. Going to work will give you
something to focus on and help you get through the trauma you are living
with on a day-to-day basis. Curling up and doing nothing is not helathy for
you. Do not take this wrong but you need the money, your kids need you to
take care of them and you owe me quite a bit of money (my note: $300). Yes, it will take a
LONG time before you begin to feel better but it will happen. Remember . .
. God helps those who help themselves. I am not trying to be unsympathetic,
there is no way I can understand what this is like for you. But I am your
friend, I have been your friend for a long time and I don't like to see you
suffering!! "
WHAT AM I TO DO JUST SHUT OFF THE SUFFERING? I KNOW SHE MEANT WELL BUT SHE HAS NEVER HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER.
I have an ebay business so work at home; so has been very hard to jump on the band wagon and work furiously to make money. I don't have any backup savings as Laurence and I were not married yet as brain cancer came looming a year after we met.
I feel like everyone is judging me right now as I am supposed to be on with, over it. Well, I thik I am still traumatized after all of 2008. It was hell.
I feel like I am in such a hopeless situtation; have to make a living but no one is hiring in this economy and how do I conjure up some motivation to bring a blank resume to someone.
Oh well, I am sure this too shall pass.
Carrie
USA
My best friend sent me an email today. I love her dearly; we have been friends for 25 years.
Now mind you I took care of my partner Laurence for 2.8 years with brain tumors until he died on Dec 24 08. So I am at just a little over 3 months.
However, I felt a little hurt by what she said. Here it is:
" know you are in a great deal of pain but you must move forward. You are
not honoring Laurence by not living your life. Going to work will give you
something to focus on and help you get through the trauma you are living
with on a day-to-day basis. Curling up and doing nothing is not helathy for
you. Do not take this wrong but you need the money, your kids need you to
take care of them and you owe me quite a bit of money (my note: $300). Yes, it will take a
LONG time before you begin to feel better but it will happen. Remember . .
. God helps those who help themselves. I am not trying to be unsympathetic,
there is no way I can understand what this is like for you. But I am your
friend, I have been your friend for a long time and I don't like to see you
suffering!! "
WHAT AM I TO DO JUST SHUT OFF THE SUFFERING? I KNOW SHE MEANT WELL BUT SHE HAS NEVER HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER.
I have an ebay business so work at home; so has been very hard to jump on the band wagon and work furiously to make money. I don't have any backup savings as Laurence and I were not married yet as brain cancer came looming a year after we met.
I feel like everyone is judging me right now as I am supposed to be on with, over it. Well, I thik I am still traumatized after all of 2008. It was hell.
I feel like I am in such a hopeless situtation; have to make a living but no one is hiring in this economy and how do I conjure up some motivation to bring a blank resume to someone.
Oh well, I am sure this too shall pass.
Carrie
USA
25
Main / JUST COPING
« on: March 20, 2009, 11:20:22 PM »
Hi all:
Thank you for all of your kindness, support, encouragement, love. I don't know where I would be without all of my cyberspace friends.
I am eating every day; sleeping too much; but working at home business as well as I can.
Different from the first 2 months. Thank God liquid diet is done and feel physically better.
I am alot depressed and weepy the last couple of days, though. Tuesday the 24th is 3 month anniversay of Laurence's death and it is also the 4th year anniversary of our first date. Then April 24 is the 3 year anniversay of his 1st brain tumor surgery. Go figure, he left me with dates I can't forget.
I just went through Christmas Day without him (he died Christmas eve a.m.); New Years; Valentine's Day (big deal) my birthday; his granddaughter's 1st birthday; now 3 month death date and same day 4 year anniversary.
What a horror show! Never could have even imagined this.
On top of that, I recently saw a friend of mine (20+ years friendship) who wasn't really around during Laurence's illness. Said she was sorry he died, but then said she didn't really like him anyway. Isn't that nice? I've seen her through 50 boyfriends in 20 years and I never would have said that to her if someone she loved (even if he was not perfect) had died. I couldn't believe it.
This life is too much for me............once I was strong and now I am VERY weak.
Hugs to all my friends in this not asked for life,
Carrie
Thank you for all of your kindness, support, encouragement, love. I don't know where I would be without all of my cyberspace friends.
I am eating every day; sleeping too much; but working at home business as well as I can.
Different from the first 2 months. Thank God liquid diet is done and feel physically better.
I am alot depressed and weepy the last couple of days, though. Tuesday the 24th is 3 month anniversay of Laurence's death and it is also the 4th year anniversary of our first date. Then April 24 is the 3 year anniversay of his 1st brain tumor surgery. Go figure, he left me with dates I can't forget.
I just went through Christmas Day without him (he died Christmas eve a.m.); New Years; Valentine's Day (big deal) my birthday; his granddaughter's 1st birthday; now 3 month death date and same day 4 year anniversary.
What a horror show! Never could have even imagined this.
On top of that, I recently saw a friend of mine (20+ years friendship) who wasn't really around during Laurence's illness. Said she was sorry he died, but then said she didn't really like him anyway. Isn't that nice?
I've seen her through 50 boyfriends in 20 years and I never would have said that to her if someone she loved (even if he was not perfect) had died. I couldn't believe it.This life is too much for me............once I was strong and now I am VERY weak.
Hugs to all my friends in this not asked for life,
Carrie
26
Main / I NEET TO GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« on: March 15, 2009, 10:09:40 PM »
Help!! I am in this phase now where I don't get out of bed until 1 or 2 in the afternoon; I've been doing this for almost 3 weeks now.
I did get myself back to working on the ebay business; but that's all I do; my house is a mess; there are piles of laundry to do; tv dinners and hot dogs here for my kids every other week when I have them.
I know why I am this way. Because I had almost 4 years with Laurence and 3 of them in and out of the hospital, caregiving etc. so now I don't have him to look after, so my life is being stuck in the house trying to keep a roof over my head and not really even caring about anything.
The phone doesn't ring but twice a week -- a couple friends left. Everyone else is gone on to their own lives.
I know I need to look for a fulltime job; a daunting task that may be as I was a stay at home mom for a few years until I got a divorce. I was a legal secretary for 15 years and sure I can pick up real fast again but don't how to convince a prospective employer of that!
I know I can't continue to be at home like this; it is very depressing. Maybe a job would make me shower
Any suggestions? I sure need some; I feel trapped in all of this.
Carrie
I did get myself back to working on the ebay business; but that's all I do; my house is a mess; there are piles of laundry to do; tv dinners and hot dogs here for my kids every other week when I have them.
I know why I am this way. Because I had almost 4 years with Laurence and 3 of them in and out of the hospital, caregiving etc. so now I don't have him to look after, so my life is being stuck in the house trying to keep a roof over my head and not really even caring about anything.
The phone doesn't ring but twice a week -- a couple friends left. Everyone else is gone on to their own lives.
I know I need to look for a fulltime job; a daunting task that may be as I was a stay at home mom for a few years until I got a divorce. I was a legal secretary for 15 years and sure I can pick up real fast again but don't how to convince a prospective employer of that!
I know I can't continue to be at home like this; it is very depressing. Maybe a job would make me shower
Any suggestions? I sure need some; I feel trapped in all of this.
Carrie
27
Main / Where is the life jacket when you need it?
« on: March 03, 2009, 09:52:41 PM »
It feels like the boat capsized and I got thrown out into the water without my life vest. Sometimes I'm really treading to stay afloat and then sometimes I just feel like sinking. It seems it goes on like that all day long and most of the night too. Never did really being out in deep water either.
Reminds me of when I went on my honeymoon in 1987 to Hawaii and my husband (X now) signed on to go on the Rock 'n Roll Booze Cruise. I thought it was actually a cruise ship with a band. It turned out to be a huge barge that went way out in the ocean (at least too far for me). And I told him no, I'm not going on that boat. The only way I could survive not panicking was to have some of that booze. People were dancing and the barge would go from side to side because of the waves. Except then it was a different sort of survival and could I "medicate" from the panic. Not like now. There is no medication for these waves!!
Anyway, someday when I do manage to get back in the boat and have some peace, I don't believe I will have the energy or desire to meet anyone again. It will never be the same and seems too much of a hassle to go through the dating "game" again. Had enough of that in my life.
Hope everyone is doing good today. I believe I'm at almost 10 weeks this Wednesday. I guess that might be tomorrow as I've lost track of some days here.
I am praying for "Quiet Peaceful Seas" for all us (BTW that is the title to a song on one of Laurence's CD's). Will miss that beautiful voice and god-given music.
Carrie
Reminds me of when I went on my honeymoon in 1987 to Hawaii and my husband (X now) signed on to go on the Rock 'n Roll Booze Cruise. I thought it was actually a cruise ship with a band. It turned out to be a huge barge that went way out in the ocean (at least too far for me). And I told him no, I'm not going on that boat. The only way I could survive not panicking was to have some of that booze. People were dancing and the barge would go from side to side because of the waves. Except then it was a different sort of survival and could I "medicate" from the panic. Not like now. There is no medication for these waves!!
Anyway, someday when I do manage to get back in the boat and have some peace, I don't believe I will have the energy or desire to meet anyone again. It will never be the same and seems too much of a hassle to go through the dating "game" again. Had enough of that in my life.
Hope everyone is doing good today. I believe I'm at almost 10 weeks this Wednesday. I guess that might be tomorrow as I've lost track of some days here.
I am praying for "Quiet Peaceful Seas" for all us (BTW that is the title to a song on one of Laurence's CD's). Will miss that beautiful voice and god-given music.
Carrie
28
Main / Please pray for me; blood work came back
« on: February 23, 2009, 03:54:13 PM »
As alot of you know, I did get to the doctor last week and had full checkup, blood work done. I got a call today from the dr's office and they want me in there tomorrow because there's some problems with the blood.
I can't deal with anything else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to all for listening,
Carrie
I can't deal with anything else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to all for listening,
Carrie
29
Main / Bleak economy & where is light when grieving
« on: February 21, 2009, 07:36:31 PM »
I went to my friend's house today. She is a legal recruiter; has her own business and law firms pay her nice sums of money for qualified secretaries, paralegals and lawyers. I was a legal secretary for 14 years, but many years ago. I talked to her about boning up on new skills needed. She said times were quite slow for her right now and she was being very frugal with any money she has coming in as it's a bit uncertain for her right now.
She even told me that she has potential candidates calling her who need work and are losing their homes, etc.
I was hoping I could maybe get myself back into the work force and not work at home anymore as it is very isolating so much more now that Laurence is gone.
How does everyone make it through this nightmare roller coaster ride and then have to deal with making a living. I am 48 in a couple weeks; have no savings (lost all of that during Laurence's illness); no retirement (took care of my kids when they were little so stay at home mom); no nothing. You can't even get a job at Taco Bell here (Phoenix); they all have a freeze on hiring.
I live in a really nice mobile home park and literally there are some homes here that there are 8 people living in them, with 5 cars parked out front. I guess they must all pool their earnings in order to live better.
We all knew we were in tough times but I thought at least Laurence would be here with me to go through it.
Just had to rant and rave; am trying to figure out how to make my way through the jungle of life and see that there is some hope out there because right now it feels pretty dang dark.
Me, who was the optimist before, am now laid out flat on the floor, trying to figure out how to get back up again.
Carrie
She even told me that she has potential candidates calling her who need work and are losing their homes, etc.
I was hoping I could maybe get myself back into the work force and not work at home anymore as it is very isolating so much more now that Laurence is gone.
How does everyone make it through this nightmare roller coaster ride and then have to deal with making a living. I am 48 in a couple weeks; have no savings (lost all of that during Laurence's illness); no retirement (took care of my kids when they were little so stay at home mom); no nothing. You can't even get a job at Taco Bell here (Phoenix); they all have a freeze on hiring.
I live in a really nice mobile home park and literally there are some homes here that there are 8 people living in them, with 5 cars parked out front. I guess they must all pool their earnings in order to live better.
We all knew we were in tough times but I thought at least Laurence would be here with me to go through it.
Just had to rant and rave; am trying to figure out how to make my way through the jungle of life and see that there is some hope out there because right now it feels pretty dang dark.
Me, who was the optimist before, am now laid out flat on the floor, trying to figure out how to get back up again.
Carrie
30
Main / JUST WEARY OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!
« on: February 16, 2009, 11:17:35 PM »
I am just struggling here. I feel I am at the lowest point I've ever been at in my life. Laurence died on Dec. 24 08 and his memorial was Jan 3. I actually functioned to do my at home business for about 3 weeks after the service and then I just have lost it.
Every morning when I get up it takes me a couple of hours just to settle my heart rate down. It's like I am terrified when I open my ears that here's another day, he's gone, I'm alone again, and I can't seem to face life right now.
I finally meet my second chance and have 13 wonderful months with him (well, not all perfect as he was a bit jealous of what I'm not sure), but then to spend 4 months having 4 brain surgeries; 2 for tumors and one for spinal meningitis; another for infection where tumors were and then blood clots. BTW, Laurence was kind enough not to tell me that after the 1st surgery a portion of his right frontal lobe was removed due to the cancer. It just so happened I wasn't at the hospital at the same time the doctor was who told him that. I only found out from his best friend Jim the day before the memorial.
I'm glad I didn't know as it explained some reasoning on his part over the last almost 2 years that I couldn't understand. I just thought it was part of the healing process. Anyway, the relationship we had for the 1st 13 months turned into a different one after that; the intimacy pretty much left but he wanted me with him 24/7. It was a heartbreaking journey. He did then have 1.5 years of no reocurrence of tumor; got his weight back up to 245 and competed in a powerlifting meet and took 2 1st place trophies. Then last March it started all over again and ended on Dec. 24.
He was a very gifted and talented man. No wonder I feel empty and void of any life right now. Maybe that's why I wake up and just want to curl up in a ball and not have to do anything for myself.
I did 2.8 years of loving and compassionate care for him and suffered through intense pain. My children were neglected (2 weeks with dad and 2 weeks with me and on my 2 weeks had to farm them out everytime he was in hospital or needed 24/7 care) so I could tend to Laurence's needs. I was the only one here for him so I lost my finances, my savings, had to have him help me sometimes.
I almost lost my house 3 times; my car a few times. Went a month without electricity and hooked into my neighbors. Went 2 weeks without water. You see, Laurence lost part of his brain, and his comprehension was off.
And then I wonder everyday where did my self confidence go? My hope? My future? It was taken almost 3 years ago at the "You have a brain tumor". But I still managed to work when I could, take care of him, go through all the ups and downs of the illness, and stayed with him to the end.
Every bit of strength I feel has left me. I used to be one of the most positive person; been through tons of trials in my life; but this one has wiped me out.
Sorry I am rambling, but I am SCARED!! I have to go back to my rescheduled doctor's appointment on Wednesday and have a full check-up, blood work, etc. I have lost so much weight and I was already tiny. Make sure I drink Ensure, Gatorade, bananas, whatever will stay down, but it seems every day I am living in fear of what next?
I HATE THIS. I can't believe I would be in this situation. We were to be married but got blindsided by nasty cancer and I was left with nothing. Laurence couldn't even reason that out. I see now that every surgery he had took something from him. Sometimes I felt like I was in the middle of some kind of nightmare and still do.
I have been told that I am an articulate, compassionate, good looking woman, almost 48 in a couple weeks. I feel disheveled, beat up, worn out, sad, hopeless, lonely, confused, and ALONE!!!
Financially I am pretty much at the end, unless I can get myself up to work again. I am actually jealous of those that have been able to return to a job, as mine is at home and I lost my motivation.
I have no family here in AZ. My friends have their own lives and haven't had to deal with a loss like this yet, so they don't get it. They look at me like I am some sort of pathetic mushball.
My X could care less. He would love to have the kids all the time as that is what he fought for originally because he didn't want to lose one dollar of his $150,000 a year salary to me.
I love my kids with all my heart. But if I died in my sleep, it would be okay. It would hurt for them very much, but their dad can give them everything and they have seen a totally shipwrecked mom for years during horrible marriage, nasty divorce and a new hope with Laurence loving them. Then he is gone, too.
I sacrificed alot to give my son (autistic) everything he needed for 10 years. Then caregiving for Laurence. I AM WEARY. Hope I go in my sleep.
And, yes, I am on antidepressants and anxiety meds. Isn't helping much. Even grief support was okay for 6 weeks; can't afford individual counseling.
I guess God took the strong one (God was my comforter through it all but Laurence was too) and left the weak one behind.
There were 20,000 people lined up her in AZ on Friday for a job fair, to interview for 200 jobs! Yes, I can get a job right now; resume is CAREGIVER FOR 13 YEARS for my son and Laurence. Ebay business. Crying at an interview??? I am a mess..........
Sorry for all of the screaming, crying, ranting and raving.
I am sorry to burden everyone; it has been a long hard road.
Carrie
Every morning when I get up it takes me a couple of hours just to settle my heart rate down. It's like I am terrified when I open my ears that here's another day, he's gone, I'm alone again, and I can't seem to face life right now.
I finally meet my second chance and have 13 wonderful months with him (well, not all perfect as he was a bit jealous of what I'm not sure), but then to spend 4 months having 4 brain surgeries; 2 for tumors and one for spinal meningitis; another for infection where tumors were and then blood clots. BTW, Laurence was kind enough not to tell me that after the 1st surgery a portion of his right frontal lobe was removed due to the cancer. It just so happened I wasn't at the hospital at the same time the doctor was who told him that. I only found out from his best friend Jim the day before the memorial.
I'm glad I didn't know as it explained some reasoning on his part over the last almost 2 years that I couldn't understand. I just thought it was part of the healing process. Anyway, the relationship we had for the 1st 13 months turned into a different one after that; the intimacy pretty much left but he wanted me with him 24/7. It was a heartbreaking journey. He did then have 1.5 years of no reocurrence of tumor; got his weight back up to 245 and competed in a powerlifting meet and took 2 1st place trophies. Then last March it started all over again and ended on Dec. 24.
He was a very gifted and talented man. No wonder I feel empty and void of any life right now. Maybe that's why I wake up and just want to curl up in a ball and not have to do anything for myself.
I did 2.8 years of loving and compassionate care for him and suffered through intense pain. My children were neglected (2 weeks with dad and 2 weeks with me and on my 2 weeks had to farm them out everytime he was in hospital or needed 24/7 care) so I could tend to Laurence's needs. I was the only one here for him so I lost my finances, my savings, had to have him help me sometimes.
I almost lost my house 3 times; my car a few times. Went a month without electricity and hooked into my neighbors. Went 2 weeks without water. You see, Laurence lost part of his brain, and his comprehension was off.
And then I wonder everyday where did my self confidence go? My hope? My future? It was taken almost 3 years ago at the "You have a brain tumor". But I still managed to work when I could, take care of him, go through all the ups and downs of the illness, and stayed with him to the end.
Every bit of strength I feel has left me. I used to be one of the most positive person; been through tons of trials in my life; but this one has wiped me out.
Sorry I am rambling, but I am SCARED!! I have to go back to my rescheduled doctor's appointment on Wednesday and have a full check-up, blood work, etc. I have lost so much weight and I was already tiny. Make sure I drink Ensure, Gatorade, bananas, whatever will stay down, but it seems every day I am living in fear of what next?
I HATE THIS. I can't believe I would be in this situation. We were to be married but got blindsided by nasty cancer and I was left with nothing. Laurence couldn't even reason that out. I see now that every surgery he had took something from him. Sometimes I felt like I was in the middle of some kind of nightmare and still do.
I have been told that I am an articulate, compassionate, good looking woman, almost 48 in a couple weeks. I feel disheveled, beat up, worn out, sad, hopeless, lonely, confused, and ALONE!!!
Financially I am pretty much at the end, unless I can get myself up to work again. I am actually jealous of those that have been able to return to a job, as mine is at home and I lost my motivation.
I have no family here in AZ. My friends have their own lives and haven't had to deal with a loss like this yet, so they don't get it. They look at me like I am some sort of pathetic mushball.
My X could care less. He would love to have the kids all the time as that is what he fought for originally because he didn't want to lose one dollar of his $150,000 a year salary to me.
I love my kids with all my heart. But if I died in my sleep, it would be okay. It would hurt for them very much, but their dad can give them everything and they have seen a totally shipwrecked mom for years during horrible marriage, nasty divorce and a new hope with Laurence loving them. Then he is gone, too.
I sacrificed alot to give my son (autistic) everything he needed for 10 years. Then caregiving for Laurence. I AM WEARY. Hope I go in my sleep.
And, yes, I am on antidepressants and anxiety meds. Isn't helping much. Even grief support was okay for 6 weeks; can't afford individual counseling.
I guess God took the strong one (God was my comforter through it all but Laurence was too) and left the weak one behind.
There were 20,000 people lined up her in AZ on Friday for a job fair, to interview for 200 jobs! Yes, I can get a job right now; resume is CAREGIVER FOR 13 YEARS for my son and Laurence. Ebay business. Crying at an interview??? I am a mess..........
Sorry for all of the screaming, crying, ranting and raving.
I am sorry to burden everyone; it has been a long hard road.
Carrie