Good question and worth airing, freeing our souls, the pain in our hearts just a little more?!
Yes, I've accepted the death of my children. Am I having an extremely difficult time living without my Jeff? Oh Yes! I miss ALL of my children. But, for me Sue it's been, not only a very long time since I lost Michelle and my Sal and because of their dying and Jeff being my only surviving child, the center of my world, my greatest support, my everything, (but I know not anymore than anyone elses' child here)....I struggle with him being gone and at times, agonize over it.
Healing 'has' come and in amazing ways. I live a good life. I run a successful business. I have a few good friends. I'm blessed in so many different ways. And, I couldn't make this claim even 3 years ago.
Do I backslide? yep, yep, yep. (in loving memory) But, I bounce back quickly. There's an amazing inner strength that has always been a constant for me, and along with my faith, I'm able to say the word 'acceptance' and believe it, although I will never feel good about it.
It's like breathing...it's 'necessary' and a part of reality.
Also and very important is the contact I have always had with Jeff and it's strong and beautiful, but only when my heart is at rest and I stop fighting the fact that he's really gone and he's never coming back....not in the physical sense, that is. Because he IS with me but I push him away every time I let the pain control me because there is NO WAY he can come to me when my mind and my heart are denying he's even gone. So, I figured that out a long time ago and whenever I get really crazy and fall hard into that bottomless pit of grief, I very quickly remind myself that I'm hurting both me and Jeff.
You know as well as I do (that it's very hard work living without our children and) how staying deep in grief denies us of the one thing in life we crave....being with our children.
I've made a conscious decision that when I start to go 'down' that I will do everything I have learned to get out of that place. And each time it happens, it does get easier.
I've discovered a terrifying truth...We can't reach the light, feel the love, our children, until we go through the darkness, grab onto IT instead of it pulling us further down where there 'will' be no light. Only then does that diminish the control that will ultimately, free us. And that is what truth does.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a shorter version of my explanation of 'acceptance'. This is what I feel. What I have learned. And 'this' part of the journey, for me, never changes.
(((((((Sue & Sara))))))) Always in my heart.
We walk together. We hurt together. We grow together.
"And, We'll Find the Light Together"
My Love,
Terry