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Main / Today is one month!
« on: March 21, 2007, 03:21:20 PM »
Well I made through one month. I don't remember much of the last 30 days. I know that I made funeral arrangements, buried him, changed names on material things, presented his death certificate more times than I care to remember, changed beneficiaries, return to work, made arrangements for a head stone, had the car repaired, found the check book and started paying bills, and basically learned how to take care of myself AGAIN.
I know I accomplished these things but I don't know how. I know the help and support I have received here made it happen without ending up in a casket myself, but, I guess I went into automatic pilot with this site's help and made it through.
I can get somethings done now without the shaking and heart palpatations. I remember people at this site saying, "IT WILL GET BETTER, BE EASIER ON YOURSELF, TAKE YOUR TIME, IT'S OKAY, AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU." Believe it or not, just those simple words made all the difference in the world.
THANK YOU ALL<I MADE IT THROUGH ONE MONTH!
I know I accomplished these things but I don't know how. I know the help and support I have received here made it happen without ending up in a casket myself, but, I guess I went into automatic pilot with this site's help and made it through.
I can get somethings done now without the shaking and heart palpatations. I remember people at this site saying, "IT WILL GET BETTER, BE EASIER ON YOURSELF, TAKE YOUR TIME, IT'S OKAY, AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU." Believe it or not, just those simple words made all the difference in the world.
THANK YOU ALL<I MADE IT THROUGH ONE MONTH!
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Main / I am feeling very anxious today
« on: March 11, 2007, 10:15:29 AM »
I am suppose to return to work tomorrow and I am full of anxiety! I am not sure why. I love my job, the people that I work with are wonderful and understanding, but I am trembling now just thinking about it.
Is this normal? What am I afraid of?
I feel like a basket case! The smallest task feels like it will be an earth shattering delima. I use to be so resourceful. People are use to coming to me for the answers I am seeking now.
I remember once being happy and gladly anticpating returning to work on Mondays. Now I feel like oh God not work! I hope I am able to do my job when I get there.
Is this normal? What am I afraid of?
I feel like a basket case! The smallest task feels like it will be an earth shattering delima. I use to be so resourceful. People are use to coming to me for the answers I am seeking now.
I remember once being happy and gladly anticpating returning to work on Mondays. Now I feel like oh God not work! I hope I am able to do my job when I get there.
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Main / Weekends are the worse
« on: March 10, 2007, 01:04:46 PM »
It is Saturday and I miss his making me breakfast or having a leisurly lunch. Watching old movies on the TV or making plans to go somewhere. Getting together and talking about things that we did not get to during the week.
If we went to breakfast or lunch late, we would get the evening meal while we were out and bring it home for later so we would not have to come out later. It is now 2:47 pm. If we had finished our errands or chores, we would be laying down now to take a nap. Probably would be waking around 6 or 7 and warm the meal. Pop the popcorn and settle down to sports or a movie. Sometimes we would stay up until late just talking or teasing. God how I miss this.
Sunday would be our rest day. Go to church and eat brunch. He would spend the afternoon calling his children or his family members or friends. According to how he was received or if they answered, would depend on how we would spend the next couple of hours. I will miss taking the day reading the newspaper, him with the sports page, me with the sales. He would start dinner around 6 while I did the crossword puzzle.
I never really realized how much of our weekends were planned around us being together and doing everything together. It was uneventful until now that he will never be here again to do these little simple things together.
Now on weekends I am roaming through the house, in the bedrooms, out to the porch, into the bathrooms, back in the living room, into the garage, and back into our bedroom. I swear that carpet looks like it has worn down since 2/21/07. This is my third weekend and it sucks the big one.
Somehow, even though I have always felt like an intelligent person, I keep thinking he is away at some conference, visiting someone, and he will be home soon. When I allow myself to really remember he died 2/21/07 and will never walk through that door again, it hurts so bad. All I can do is cry. I can be okay throughout the morning, when someone calls or talks about him, man the flood gates open up and I am through.
I don't want to be like this! I want my old boring life back. I want him next to me napping and me complaining about his snoring.
I am thankful for being able to come here and write this. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. I had a conversation about Eric and was able to remember a time when he was alive and with me.
If we went to breakfast or lunch late, we would get the evening meal while we were out and bring it home for later so we would not have to come out later. It is now 2:47 pm. If we had finished our errands or chores, we would be laying down now to take a nap. Probably would be waking around 6 or 7 and warm the meal. Pop the popcorn and settle down to sports or a movie. Sometimes we would stay up until late just talking or teasing. God how I miss this.
Sunday would be our rest day. Go to church and eat brunch. He would spend the afternoon calling his children or his family members or friends. According to how he was received or if they answered, would depend on how we would spend the next couple of hours. I will miss taking the day reading the newspaper, him with the sports page, me with the sales. He would start dinner around 6 while I did the crossword puzzle.
I never really realized how much of our weekends were planned around us being together and doing everything together. It was uneventful until now that he will never be here again to do these little simple things together.
Now on weekends I am roaming through the house, in the bedrooms, out to the porch, into the bathrooms, back in the living room, into the garage, and back into our bedroom. I swear that carpet looks like it has worn down since 2/21/07. This is my third weekend and it sucks the big one.
Somehow, even though I have always felt like an intelligent person, I keep thinking he is away at some conference, visiting someone, and he will be home soon. When I allow myself to really remember he died 2/21/07 and will never walk through that door again, it hurts so bad. All I can do is cry. I can be okay throughout the morning, when someone calls or talks about him, man the flood gates open up and I am through.
I don't want to be like this! I want my old boring life back. I want him next to me napping and me complaining about his snoring.
I am thankful for being able to come here and write this. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. I had a conversation about Eric and was able to remember a time when he was alive and with me.
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Main / When Did I loose my mind?
« on: March 08, 2007, 11:32:27 AM »
Was it the day we went to the emergency room? Was it when he was admitted to the ICU? Was it when he went to surgery then the recovery room? Or was it the day I left the hospital without him, with his clothes that he wore to the hospital in a white hospital bag?
I don't remember when I lost it, because I can't remember anything. I use to be smart, level headed, and reliable. Now you have to tell me things at least 15 times, and I still may not get it right. I do not reconize my own name and personal information, you will have to ask me at least 3 times before I answer you coherently.
I no longer know what day it is without asking someone at least 5 times a day? I now repeat the same memories over and over to people that have already heard them at leaast 20 times. I no longer know what I am going to do from one minute to the next. I use to know how to spell simple words like THE, now I have to think for a minute or two.
WHEN DID I LOOSE MY MIND?
I don't remember when I lost it, because I can't remember anything. I use to be smart, level headed, and reliable. Now you have to tell me things at least 15 times, and I still may not get it right. I do not reconize my own name and personal information, you will have to ask me at least 3 times before I answer you coherently.
I no longer know what day it is without asking someone at least 5 times a day? I now repeat the same memories over and over to people that have already heard them at leaast 20 times. I no longer know what I am going to do from one minute to the next. I use to know how to spell simple words like THE, now I have to think for a minute or two.
WHEN DID I LOOSE MY MIND?
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