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Messages - PAT B

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Main / Re: Dredding Wednesday Night
« on: May 01, 2007, 08:20:42 PM »
My husband was an accountant as well.  It was amazing how everyone of his clients came to his funeral.

I had to put an ad in the paper telling them they could come for their records.  I had more clients coming than family and friends paying their respects.

I guess he is really missed by all.

Congrats on your honey's special night, and I hope you can enjoy yourself, BRING TISSUES! LOL

2
It is normal for you because you are a caring and compassionate person.  I tell my patients, I never had a mastecomy, but I sure can empathize with what it must be like.

You don't know these people, but your compassion, your ability to go beyond yourself and care about other people, puts you right there sympathizing and feeling the agony of death!

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Main / Re: a helping hand?
« on: May 01, 2007, 08:15:21 PM »
I had awful anxiety the first 30 days after my husband died suddenly from a heart attack.  I did not want to leave the house, I did not want to answer the phone, I could not remember if I could drive my car.  I was a mess.  They say part of it was that I was in shock. 

I work with people that won't let you pull away, but I wanted to.  There were stolen moments when I didn't answer the phone, answer the door bell, but I could not do it for long, because my daugher and my sons would worry.

4
Main / Re: He died for a phonecall
« on: May 01, 2007, 08:11:39 PM »
Just wanted to drop a line or two and see how you are doing?  I hope that you are having better days.  This mourning thing has thrown me for a loop over and over.  You are in my prayers

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Main / Re: So Sudden
« on: May 01, 2007, 08:09:16 PM »
 From the sadness that I see around me, people who loved ones are dying, people who loved ones died after a long illness, and people who had unexpected sudden deaths.........There seems to be no difference in the amount of pain that we all go through.

I will say that when it is unexpected it leaves so many questions, so many unsaid things, so many scary unmanagable emotions.  I don't know, if I knew he was going to die, I would just as lost as I am now!

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Main / Re: Today is one month!
« on: May 01, 2007, 08:06:23 PM »
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!  THE BIKE IS PAID FOR!
Going back to work is the hardest.  You don't want all the attention, but you would feel weird if you didn't get any.  I tell you the emotions are unpredictable and come in waves.  I was telling someone that I was okay for days, then my girlfriend called and told me that when I was ready she would come over and help me pack up Eric's things, I don't know I was like a piece of crap all weekend, she told me this on Friday night.

I thought I was okay, making my way back, and boom, there I was crying, did not want to go out, starting to worry about everything, can I pay these bills, can I stay in my house, etc.  That old anxiety crap was trying to creep in.

By the time Monday came, I could not go to work, no change that, I did not want to go to work.  It's funny how one little statement can send me for a loop!  His stuff is still on his night stand just the way he left it, his pajamas are under the pillow, it's sickening, what the hell is the matter with me?

I still miss him terribly and like you, I don't want to say I am okay, when I am not at work.  When I say I'm okay, it gets them talking about him, if I say I am having a bad day, they start crying too.  I just want to stop worrying and I want to be okay everyday, I guess it is too soon!?

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Main / Re: help needed
« on: April 30, 2007, 10:49:27 AM »
Your daughter is in my prayers as well as you.  I now know how my daughter must have felt when she came for Eric's funeral.  She wanted me to come back to Connecticut with her.  She begged me to come back with her.  She said I was too far away if something happended to me.

I really blew her off and said it's too cold up there, I have to work, and I don't know what I am going to do right now.  All the while knowing I did not want to go there, and could not leave our house, or make any decisions at that time.  Since ready your post I called her and told her I am so sorry for blowing you off.  I forgot that she was grieving too and the fear of leaving all alone with that pain was more than she wanted to deal with.

I thank you for sharing your loss and problem, it helped me reconcile why I wanted to stay instead of going with her.

I will pray that you are able to let your daughter make her decisions and just be ready for her should she change her mind with no questions asked.  Those were my daughter's parting words before she left.....Mom if you change your mind, you know you can always come to stay with me.

8
Main / Re: I got our car back
« on: April 30, 2007, 10:40:49 AM »
Good for you!  When death of a loved on comes we don't know what to do the next minute let alone making life changing decisions.  Right now I am trying to decide if I can stay in my house or should I sell it. or refinance.  The one thing I learned from coming to this site, I DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE TODAY!

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Main / Re: My wish
« on: April 30, 2007, 10:37:47 AM »
Hope,
My husband died 2/21/07 and I still have not removed his toiletries from the bathroom vanity.  His books and whatever are stil on his night stand, I have not removed hsi pajamas from under the pillow, and when I change the bed linen, I put them right back.  This helps me feel like he will be there with me.  I know this does not make sense, but when I think about removing these things, all I do is cry.  It took me almost 5 weeks to return to work and be productive.

You are going at your own pace and don't anyone make you go faster.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is hard, very hard to achieve the things you were striving for when you loose your loved one right in the middle of it.

I will pray for you and your sister

10
Main / Re: How much more can I take?
« on: April 30, 2007, 10:31:35 AM »
WOW!  You have your hands full!  Thank God it happened when it did, three months later.  I can tell you it was your husband standing there with you.  If major problmes had cropped up the first month or so, you would have been as lost as I was during that time.  At several points in the first two months, I just did not care.  I would tell myself I don't want to be here and I don't care if I loose everything, I had already lost him.

Now that three months have gone by, I am trying to do what I think he would want me to do.  It is very hard as money is tight without his income.  I am trying to make things go as smoothly as possible.  It is hard, he was the one that took care of everything.

I applaud the way you take it a step at a time and are getting things done.  You are in my prayers

11
Main / Re: Crying non-stop 5 hours straight
« on: April 22, 2007, 04:36:28 PM »
I remember the days when all I could do was cry!  I would not get up for days.  I never turned the lights on, I never washed, I never cooked, I drank some water because I had to take pills.  It is so raw and new for you and I am so sorry for your loss and the fact that you are alone in your grief.

I did not answer the phone, I did not answer the doorbell, I just wanted to say go to hell and leave me alone.  There were times that I wanted people around, but only in small doses.  I had to stop doing that because people would call more and come by more if I did not answer.

Then I found this site and I made it through that first month.  I don't know how, but I did.  The support was phenominal, and none judgemental.  I faltered, but they held me up and gave me the strength to try again.

That first month I cried so much my eyes were blood shot.  I would be okay, then, wham, right there at the red light it would start, and I would have to pull over.  I would be in a store, paying a bill, going to the bathroom, and all of a sudden the tears would come, I mean gut wrenching sobs, and all I could say was......I can't believe you are gone, I want you back, I want my life back.

Hang in there, and keep coming!

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Main / Re: Innocent Bystanders
« on: April 20, 2007, 03:52:36 PM »
Help us Lord!  All the sympathy in my heart goes out to those families that lost their children, loved ones, girlfriends, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, mommies, and daddies in that terrible event!

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Main / Re: LONNIE
« on: April 20, 2007, 03:50:50 PM »
What a beautiful young man!  How are you Lonnie?  I hope all is well with you.  Candi is as beautiful as her son.  My thoughts are always with you.  You are in my prayers and I could never thank you enough for the kindness and support you have given to me.

Without it, I know I would still be stuck in the house, trapped in my pain.  As I re-read your postings, it brings to mind with a tear in my heart..........In spite of all she has been through, she took the time to reach out to me!

Take care, be well, and God bless

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Main / Re: Where do I go from Here !
« on: April 20, 2007, 03:45:37 PM »
I hope that your return to work goes smoothly.  I know what it feels like when your not ready and you have to return.  This helped me get back there in a month.  I made two false starts, but no one here gave me any grief.  They were supportive and encouraged me to try again.

At one point, I did not care if I paid the bills or not, I did not care if everything came crashing down on me.  The anxiety of returning made me feel like what the hell do I do now?

I am praying for you, I hope that as the days go by things get easier.  I was surprised how it went going back.  I hope you have a job that you will be able to cry if you need to.  I found this to be helpful for me.  In the beginning I needed to cry a couple of times a day.  As each day passed it became less and less that I needed to stop my day and cry.

I know there are no words that can comfort or give you peace from the pain that losing a loved one can cause.  Please accept my deepest condolences.

Some of the people here told me that going back would make the day go by faster, they were right.  I was angry that I had to go back and I guess that created more anxiety for me.

The only good thing that I can say is, I am so glad you had that time to spend before she died, I would give anything to have known and been able to have that time with Eric.  So if you can think about it in those terms maybe it will ease the pain of having to return so early.  The better of the good was that you were able to be there!

15
Main / Re: day by day
« on: April 20, 2007, 03:33:15 PM »
The pain of losing your loved one is shared by everyone here.  This is the club we belong to.  We have to have lost someone in order to be at grief and healing.  I hate being a member, I hate that I will never see Eric again until I die and go to heaven.  I never thought I would be sitting here writing such a thing.

Your loss is so fresh, and I am so sorry for that loss.  I don't know how we do it, but somehow, someway, we do.  If you believe in heaven know that he is happy there.  I always tell people if Eric was given the chance to come back, I know he would turn God down.  There would be no way he would want to leave there.

This makes it seems so much more acceptable to me.  I am not sure why, maybe it helps me accept that he is never coming back.  I remember those awful first 30 days!  I must have come to this site around 10 or more times a day.  When I could not sleep I would come and just write.  It didn't matter if anyone read it or not, I had to get it out or I felt like I was going to explode!

The people here helped me through those first 30 days.  I did not know if I was coming or going, mostly staying, trapped in the house with anxiety.  Gradually, very slowly, I got out, and returned to work. 

I will pray for you and you pray for me

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