My father passed little over 4 years ago.

[ToddESt]

My father passed a little over 4 years ago. But the pain sometimes feels like it Was just yesterday. He passed away from  leukemia. He had battled it for a long time and was in remission. Then one day he was not feeling well and we took him in. It had come back with a vengeance.

It was while I was on my last year in college. I was to graduate in December. I gotten the news that my father was put on life support while I was in class. A week later he passed away.  My father had passed in November just before thanksgiving.

My father talked to me about a month about if he passed away what were something that he needed me to do. I told him he would be fine that we didn’t need to talk like this. I was foolish to think this way. I should of listen better to what he wanted and needed.

The end of the year is really difficult for me. My father birthday is in December. His anniversary is in December. The holidays and his day of his death are all so close together. The first two years I couldn’t celebrate the holidays. The lose of him and the memories were to great. It just to much at times.

I see my see my father sometimes. In a strangers face. My uncle looks just like him. When we were younger we would sometimes mix them up and call them by each other.  I still hear his voice sometimes. And I have kept his last voice mail on my phone. Saying he was on his way home from the hospital. Sometimes when I dream. He is in them. Parting his advise to me. Saying he misses me. I wake up in tears.

I never cried in from my mother or my sisters. I needed to be strong for them so I didn’t let it show. I didn’t even cry in front of my husband. When I was alone I sobbed and sobbed. My two pups comforting  me. Even now today I will be alone and think of him and I will just start to weep. I will see a commercial with a father and a son or movie where the father passes away and I just start the water works. It is hard and I miss him so much.

I have been able to tell anyone this because I feel that I need to be strong for my family. If I lose it then who would be there to keep it together for them. I get lost sometimes and freeze and stumble. I feel drained on those days and just can’t bring myself to do anything. I know that it has been 4 years but some days it feels like it happened yesterday. It just hurts.
Thank you for letting me get this out. It does make me feel better.

[Terry]

(((ToddESt)))

I'm so sorry you're having to live without your Dad. I understand how difficult it is, especially around their special dates. Not sure that the missing ever stops but it does become different with time. The pain becomes tolerable.
The missing, the tears and the yearning for are all the price of love. We love deeply and forever.

Welcome to Webhealing.

Hugs,
Terry