Author Topic: I miss my Mom  (Read 3709 times)


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I miss my Mom
« on: May 21, 2019, 03:35:11 PM »
My mom passed away from kidney cancer on April 18, 2019. She was diagnosed in Oct. 2018 and had surgery Nov. 2018. She had her left kidney removed. The doctor had told her that he removed all of the cancer. She came home a week after Thanksgiving. She kept on having issues with her stomach. My mom's appetite never came back. She would eat a little bit and kept on losing weight. I got frustrated because I didn't understand why she didn't want to eat. She always said that she didn't want to mess up her other kidney since that was good. Her follow up came back good. She was still having problems with her stomach. She always said it was tight. Her back began hurting. My dad finally took her to the emergency room in February and the doctor told her she had a mass in her back. They did a biopsy and told her it wasn't cancer, but when she went to the neurologist, he said it was cancer and nothing could be done. He put her on a chemo med, but it didn't do anything. She had jaundice and was taken off the chemo med. By the time she did go to the neurologist she couldn't want, but a few inches without tiring out. I still had hope just like my dad and brother. She went back to the emergency room close to the beginning of April and the nurse told her that she can die home or in the nursing home. This nurse was upfront, but I didn't like her. I still don't. She came home and was on hospice for two weeks. I was responsible for giving my mom her meds. I was a mess during this time because after a while she stopped talking. The cancer had spread to her lungs. Her cancer was progressing fast.

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown because no one really wanted to tend to mom, but me. When she would moan out in pain it got to me. I hate seeing her in pain. She died two weeks later. I was gone, but my dad was home. It still gets to me because all I can remember is the pain she was in. The hospice nurse said her vitals were good and I was giving her the meds correctly. My mom was 70. I just can't believe she's gone because she was my best friend. We argued like mothers and daughters do, but it was all in love.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I gave her too much medicine and that's why she died. She used to bite me when I would give her meds. The hospice nurse told me to give her medicine when she needed it, which I did, but that's just how I feel. Before she stopped talking she always said she wanted to live and she's in God's hands. She had hope until the end. I cry just about every day because I miss her and I feel guilty. I tell myself at times that I am ready for death. I'm not going to kill myself, but when it's my time I will be ready because I get to be with her.


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Re: I miss my Mom
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2019, 09:16:11 AM »

I'm so sorry for your great loss. I understand as I, too was a caregiver for my Dad who had Alzheimer's.

We do the best we can with what we have in front of us, although feeling guilty is normal. My feelings of guilt have passed and I understand now that it was the bond between myself and my Dad and the fact that I couldn't save what tore me apart at times. But I learned that it wasn't my job to save him but to care for him.

Sending you hugs & understanding,