Author Topic: My boyfriend died  (Read 44 times)

browneyedgirl

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My boyfriend died
« on: April 04, 2019, 10:56:10 PM »
Hello All....for those of you that do not know me, I came to Webhealing almost exactly 10 years ago when my brother, Tony died.  Webehaling was a life saver for me, and there were/are so many loving, caring people here who understand what you're going thru.  I became very active on the Boards, and was a Moderator for a time.  Then I felt as though it was time for me to "fly away" from Webhealing, and there were also many changes in my life.

I would read the Spouse Loss Board, and my heart would hurt so badly for those who had lost the love of their lives, and just could not imagine the intense pain their hearts must feel.....the 'Spouse Loss Board always got to me, I would read of the beautiful love that these people shared, and to have to taken away, was just the most awful feeling I could imagine.....well, it is with a heavy heart that I return to Webhealing after my boyfriend, Phil, took his life on December 11, 2018. 

This is without a doubt the most awful pain I have ever felt, and I am convinced that after this, NOTHING will ever be able to hurt me again, as this feels like the ultimate hurt.  I feel as though someone is punishing me, what did I do to deserve this pain, this event in my life?  My life has little meaning, no direction, and I hardly smile anymore.  I wake up each day, hoping to feel better, but the hurt never eases.....we were supposed to do great things together, grow old together, this was not how our story was supposed to end.  The thought that I will not be able to hold his hand, kiss his face, look in his eyes anymore kills me.  Phil was truly my greatest love, and even if I knew I would loose him in the end, I would do it all over again.....he was the greatest man to ever touch my life, he taught me so much, his words of encouragement kept me going, and if I had to describe him in one word it would be LOYAL.  Never in my life, have I had a man show me such loyalty....I consider it an honor to be the recipient of his love, and I will cherish it in my heart forever.  I miss him every second of every day, and I just don't know how to pick up the pieces....will I ever love again?  Maybe...but not like the love we had.  Pam and Phil, Phil and Pam the greatest story of true love and fate yet to be told...he used to say that all the time....lol

I am so sorry that any of us have to be here, but it helps to know that there are others that know how we feel....even though I would never, ever, ever, wish this upon anyone.....I know that death is a part of life, I get that....but to have my best friend, my partner, my love, my life, die so soon, it just stinks.  My hope is that someday I can "rejoin" the world, because I feel as though I have just like checked out.  Some say I am wrapping myself in a warm blanket of self pity - and I can't understand why one would say that to me, but I really try to block that out.....

thank you for reading.... 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven