Author Topic: She said she needs time to think  (Read 2569 times)


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She said she needs time to think
« on: November 07, 2018, 04:30:12 AM »
Hello everyone,
I have met a year ago this amazing soul in which from the first message i could feel the bond like never before in my life. Everything was so mutual and powerful that it always felt as if our love is out of this world and not even a human relationship. There was such an understanding and passion and emotions so intense and extreme and the whole thing is is that she lives in the US and i am in Israel. So from letters in the length of a book chapter which were so magikal and beautiful, we moved to Whatsapp and Skype audio and video conversations and everything was still so strong and powerful. About a month ago there became a weird vibe which i sensed and it made many anxieties to be brought to the surface. I felt her being more distant and showing less affection. The amount of conversations we had was lower and the conversations were not holding the magik as it was before. Whenever i would communicate with her about the anxieties that were rising she would show alot of affection and tell me that there is nothing to worry about. Since i was thinking the problem is with me, that maybe i am not good enough, maybe i bored her, maybe i didnt give her space, that i am way too jealous, i thought i am the problem. She always affirmed that none of this is true and how her emotions are very intense to me. So it was like an adrenaline shot when i was in craze mode and whenever i would again feel distant and coldness in the conversation, the anxieities would rise up.

I have therefore decided to take some time off and figure out myself and work on my anxieites and tried to glimpse into my past and remembered the first ex-girlfriend who was the reason to bring the anxieities in the first place because of her lies and unfaithfulness and cruel way to end the relationship (10 times). And also i was always good to see patterns. It made me realize that the problem actually comes from her so i sent her a letter in which i explain my feelings to her but the many problems that arise as of late in our communication.

She said these were things that were needed to say and she was in fact cold and distant yet was doing it unconsciously, she felt that there is a certain riff between us as of late because of the different way we perceive the world, yet as much as the same as it is. And she is not sure she is even ready for romance right now. She said she still wants to be with me and she never felt emotions as strong as these for me, to anyone before in her life. And she wants to sort things out.

She said she doesn't know how much it will take, that she believe no more than 3 months. It was such a breakdown to me. Because when you live your entire life in darkness and hatred towards the entire human race and then find that one soul who manages to light your soul up and illuminate that darkness and suddenly she decides to take a step back, you cannot react but rather burst in emotional confusion. She said it is painful for her as well as it is for me. Yet i told her she doesn't truly understand how much pain i have because she was the breaking part and not me. in the past week i've been sending some messages to her in which of most she was replying " I understand but i do need some time to think though". Or sometimes not replying at all to my messages which was confusing me and making send more messages because i did not know how to react.

I told her two days ago that i will send one last message, in which she didnt reply:

"One last message to finish it maturely. I have a lot of problem because I am facing so much in my head. I am bursting yet trying to not sound a clingy or obsessive man, needy or demanding and oppressive man or a man that will submit to you because he is a weak shit. I am strong and powerful, perhaps the most that you'll meet. With strong and powerful emotions to you cuz I chose you out of all the woman. On Friday that co-worker told me after I told her about you, that eventually she and I would marry, and that RHP woman tried to make a move as well, which all fucking disgusted me. Felt like vultures that coming to a bleeding soul. I seek Hierosgamos. And I just hope it will be with you. Now I am a irrational and you can see how I am when I let my emotions rage wild like fire tongues. Now you see how not so scientific I am.

I still stand behind the challenge I offered you and hope you will accept it and grow with me together. I will give you the time that you need. If you will not return , you are not worthy of me yet. If you will return , all this pain was worth it, as you finished the course that you had to take and your love for me will grow more. Tenebris ad Lux. "

Which was written in an emotional imbalance and i have regretted it after that. But i did say that it is the last message and that it did reflect how angry and frustrated emotionally i was and i wanted to stay true to my emotions and not be perceived as weak man who would then not stand behind his words.

Today i was starting to free-style writing to her and was not thinking of sending, but it came out so mature and clear. I managed to explain some things and were trying to remove any kind of misunderstanding that could have risen and affect her decision whether to return or no. I have decided to send it to her so she would know that i take this maturely and no matter what i am sure of her return and that i give her the time that she needs. I have discussed with one of my exes in which i am in good relationship with and she told me that i shouldn't have sent her and the more messages i sent the more i drive her away, but my last message was so badly written that i cannot possibly allow it to be the last thing i said to her.  Eventually i have decided to delete this message before she connected to skype.

I still think she needs to see that message i deleted, but am not sure i should send anything. It is all so complicated. I had an anxiety of all this move of taking time out is a way to make the feelings slowly fade out as they are so intense, so it will be easier to end things.