Hi. I lost my husband early July, 2018. We were together 20 years and he fought a good fight with cancer for 14 months. My job allowed me to stay home and take care of him his last 3 months. For that I will be eternally grateful. As I was taking care of him, I pushed my feelings back, and just did what had to be done. Now that he is gone, I don't feel like I am dealing with things like I should. I have always been able to talk about him without breaking down, like most people do who lose someone close to them. I wonder if I am numb or in some kind of denial, or maybe since I pushed my feelings aside for so long, they just haven't resurfaced yet. I don't have the desire to go anywhere or do anything besides stay at home with my 2 dogs. I did go back to work 1 week after he passed, so I do have connection with people there. I am starting grief counseling this week per my doctors recommendation since I lost my Dad 6 months before my husband. Didn't get to mourn for him due to taking care of my husband. I do write in a journal what I feel occasionally. I read a lot of the posts already, and maybe I am more normal than I thought. Everyone thinks I am so strong, they just don't understand it's a front I put on. I miss my best friend so much. I know this post is all over the place, but that is how my mind is now.