Well, I finally feel able to talk about the hospital review into Jim's unexpected death. I kept overthinking the meeting and have finally decided to just accept it and put this part of Jim's death behind me.
The meeting was attended by the top people from the hospital. The end result from the review was that Jim's records were "lost in the system" so they were treating him based on false information. They admitted that it was their error, their lack of communication between facilities and the system that completely failed Jim. They have initiated system changes, people changes and have accepted responsibility for his death. I received 6 apologies and while this made me feel that there was actually a human element in the hospital system, I was heartbroken to know that Jim's death was avoidable if only people had talked to each other. Our life would have been different if only they had listened. We tried to tell them in so many different ways during the two weeks between the time that Jim was discharged and the time that he passed but no one listened as they didn't feel that his care was urgent. If they had followed up on their phone call to Jim on April 10, I would not be on this site. Just simply heartbreaking. Nothing will ever bring Jim back and that is what I wanted, but, at the very least, maybe another family will be spared this heartbreak when they implement the changes. Some changes are short term, some long term but I will be kept advised of the progress so that I KNOW that the changes have been implemented.
I am so sad with this outcome. I am grateful for the accountability from the hospital as my questions have been answered but it leaves me feeling weak and so devastated that our family lost such a strong, vibrant, kind man at the age of 59, all due to a broken system. Jim worked so hard to take care of himself, he was in phenomenal physical condition and had such a great love for life, our lives will never be the same without him.
While I can put this part of Jim's death behind me, it doesn't give me closure. I will miss him forever and will always wonder what could have been. Maybe that's not healthy but that's how I feel right now.
Friday, April 13th will be one year. It feels like yesterday and then again it feels like I haven't seen Jim forever. It has been a year of hell for me. It took almost 10 months to lose the fuzzy feeling in my brain, I have made new friends and lost old friends, I have tried many different hobbies, I have journalled and I have kept as busy as I could to try to pass the hours. There are SO many hours in the day, though, and for the most part, I still feel Jim's absence in every one of those hours. Everything, aside from the basics, just seems overwhelming when I look at the whole picture. Jim's favorite saying when things seem impossible was "How do you eat an elephant?" "One piece at a time". I try this and I know I will eventually get there but right now, it's not really working for me. The anger is gone, I have accepted that this will be my new "normal", I just haven't figured out what that "new normal" will look like. I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful support group of family and friends but sometimes, I just want Jim and the way that it was even though I know that this is not possible.