6 months and 4 days

[Raven2017]

I haven't posted very much lately as I was feeling like I had nothing positive to offer and then I realized that this is not what this site is all about.  I have learned a lot about coping on this website and it's helped me through the first three months knowing that others feel the same way as I do... it probably makes good sense to continue.  In my world, I have lots of support but no one can actually relate to how it feels to lose your best friend, your soul mate. 
Well, it's a little over 6 months since Jim passed away.  I still feel like it happened yesterday and I still find it hard to believe that he is not physically here.  If I could wish him back, he would be standing beside me right now. I was getting through most days in a semi-productive way but then I had a 60th birthday dinner for my sister in September and it has been downhill since then.  Jim passed away in April and would have turned 60 in June and while I love my sister, it just reminded me that Jim didn't get to be 60 or do the things that he was expecting to do after working so hard his whole life.  It was probably a mistake to have the dinner but I have a big family and Jim and I usually have all the numerous family functions.  I did learn my lesson and our Thanksgiving dinner (obviously Canada) was very small with just my daughters and my parents....that was still hard.
All these firsts.  I wonder how on earth people make it through this.  I start to feel strong, like I may make it through and then I come crashing down really hard.  I am not depressed, just so sad, but each day, I am not sure how I am going to feel and honestly, it changes about 10 times during the day as does my thought process.  My mind is still kind of all over the place, I am never sure what  is going to come out of my mouth.  I am a very private person and I am both physically and emotionally exhausted by trying to show a strong front to everyone.  Honestly, I don't want to participate 100% in life right now.  I am probably at the 50% mark.  I still want time to myself, I want to pick and choose what I feel capable of doing on a given day and I don't want to have to waste the energy coming up with excuses.  I just want to be able to say "Not today" and have that taken at face value.  Does this make sense to anyone or am I being selfish?  Jim was my best friend, so vibrant and strong, we were the best team together.  To lose him so unexpectedly and unnecessarily is really hard to wrap my head around.  I am constantly aware  that he isn't here and I never had a chance to say goodbye and that is the part that plays on my mind the most right now and probably always will.
October has been bittersweet.  My daughter had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  I am so grateful and happy but then I feel so sad that this grandson won't know "Papa".  Jim was like a kid himself around the grandkids, he was so proud of them and they loved him so much.  They're pretty young so while they will keep Jim's memory with them for awhile, it makes me sad that this baby will not have any memories of Jim.  I know life goes on but I want it to go on with Jim in it.  I also know that isn't possible....
My Dad had open heart surgery in October as well.  He is 79 and is recovering fabulously.  While I love him so much, I can't help but wonder why they were so good with my Dad and so incompetent with Jim.  A little bit of anger which I try very hard to keep in check.  The hospital is in the process of completing their review into Jim's death and Health Services will finish their review by early December.   I am torn by this as I want the people responsible to be held accountable but whatever happens, the end result is that I won't get what I want which is to have Jim back with me. 

[JustMark]

Hi Raven, I'm glad you posted. Your right this is not a place where we come just to share pleasantries and only the positive. We come here to share both the good and bad we experience or learn in order to help others learn from our successes and mistakes. In order to do that we sort of have to shed that mask we hid behind and can let people who understand or know what we are going through that we hurt. or we are angry, disappointed, moments of happiness or things we have learned. For each of us we have gone through a significant life changing event. I would have loved to have found a place like this just after my father died because I had absolutely no background in how to live life without him. Now I have to figure out things relating to losing my spouse and I also have another one that will becoming in the near future with my mom who is now 86. I too get emotional shifts throughout the day. Much like you mentioned going along thinking your strong, well in my case calm and get knocked for a loop and setback. You mentioned sadness but with me dwell on something so much most of the time it's anger or disappointment I can't get it out of my head the whole day because I remember the mistakes of Gina's Dr or my Dr's the first time around with VA or something someone did. For me though I think the 3 things that help me out the most is getting back on meds, so those mood swings aren't so frequent or intense, my guitar to distract me or change my thoughts to something more positive and coming here after I've mellowed out, got advice or insight, and can also help give or share and help others in here.  Congratulations on being a grandmom. I know your new grand son won't know "Papa" but I have now doubts as time goes on when he is with you or around you that you will make sure that he does get to "know about" Papa.

[GreensGal]

Raven,
I am with you.  I lost my husband two months ago and I am a mess.  Since then our youngest daughter turned 21, and I was so sad that Kelly was not with us for that milestone.  I too am angry at the incompetence of doctors that twiddled their thumbs and wasted so much precious time throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick.  He had always been active, fit and healthy.  He never should have died at 58. 

Thanksgiving will be awful this year, as it was always our holiday to host.  I have decided not to do it this year, just having the kids home with me.  My parents will likely come too.  But Kelly's birthday is 4 days later. 

Thank you for your honest post and letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings of anger and being completely lost.  It just isn't fair, and there is nothing that can be done about it.  I'm sorry that we are going through this.  I wish I could offer something to  you to maybe ease your pain, but I can't ease my own either.  I hope we both find strength in the coming days.