Hi Mark,
Last weekend was pretty rough emotionally. I decided that I wanted to be alone so I told everyone that I was "hibernating" for the weekend. I was prepared for a very hard, emotional weekend and I wanted to be alone. That was the worst idea...I went to the cemetery on Sunday - our anniversary- and that was the way that I started my day. Thankfully, my sister and my daughter decided to ignore my wishes and my sister and brother in law came by Sunday morning and my daughter and family surprised me and dropped by in the afternoon with dinner. I was a little resentful at first, but I ended up spending the day with my daughter, her husband and my little grandchildren...who can be sad around all that love? They keep me grounded as I know they are hurting but they don't need to be in an atmosphere of sadness. So, for that time that they are here, I pretend that I'm okay and then for a few hours, I really am.
I'm sorry that you also have both days happening at the same time...it's hard. My best advice is to have people around you even if you don't think that this is what you want. They take a little bit of the pain away but you can also talk about Gina and remember the good times and you have someone to hug when you feel overwhelmed. They feel the loss as well...not in the same way, of course but they also loved Gina.
I wonder sometimes, if it's easier to have all the "firsts" so soon after or if it would be better if it happened later? I think it would be hard regardless of how much time passes, it's going to be hard for a long time.
I did take your advice from a previous post. We live on an acreage and Jim used to do all the lawn cutting so I decided to have a friend teach me how to run the lawn tractor. I cried the first time I got on it as it just reminded me of Jim, he loved doing it. The next time, I cut all the grass and did the rest with the gas lawn mower. It took almost all day but it was a nice feeling when I was done.
Jim always planted our vegetable garden this weekend with our grandchildren. I just helped maintain it after the fact...weeding and eating the vegetables. I wasn't going to plant one this year but have decided that I will plant it, on a smaller scale, with the grandchildren and carry on the tradition...that's our plan next weekend as we still had frost today. Jim would like that.
I don't feel that it's getting any easier....in fact, it feels like it gets harder each day. I feel like I am replacing Jim by doing the things that he did. Rationally, I know that if I want to stay here, they have to get done but other times, I think I'll just leave them so that he can do them and then I remember that he isn't coming home. I still only go out if I have to, other than walking my dog, I pretty much stay in the house. I have no motivation to plant flowers or do the little things to make the yard prettier. I am very aware that I have to try a little harder as it would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and become reclusive but its so very hard. We did so much together and it's all the little, everyday things that I miss so much. I miss his voice.
I learn a lot from reading your posts, thank you for that. Deep down, I know we will all get through this but it's the hardest thing to fathom right now.