Author Topic: 26 days  (Read 2055 times)


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26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:55:44 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.