Author Topic: Amazing girlfriend of 6 years needs time to heal herself. I'm so lost.  (Read 2454 times)


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I'm extremely new at this and is normally tough for me to open up and express my feelings. My girlfriend and I will have been exclusively dating each other for 6 years come May 29th. We have such strong love for each other, it's truly unreal. I have never seen nor felt love like this is my entire life. My girlfriend grew up in very tough situations. Her mother treated her very poorly growing up and never really stopped the poor treatment until her and I started dating back in 2011. She had a crazy exboyfriend follow her from high school to college. This obviously continued to make her unhealthy so she tried going back home to a different university. Her mental, emotional, and spiritual health got worse. She only spent a semester back at the other university before coming back down to the university we eventually met at. Her first semester back she dedicated to herself and healing yourself. We met halfway through that semester while she was in the middle of healing herself. I knew she had been fighting internal battles but the love we had for each other right from the get go was truly some intense and true feelings. I'll never be able to forget how she makes me feel. Our 6 years together had some ups and downs but overall we both agreed that our love for each other was so truly special and once in a life time. I was not the best at supporting her in the toughest of times, I'll never forgive myself for that, and she told me that not being healthy before she met me made it harder to truly support her. For instance, growing up her Mom would scream and yell at her over the smallest of things. So at times in our relationship when we had arguments, she would yell and scream at me. She would then feel terrible about that because that's not the person she wants to be. So I'm going to fast forward to the present or close to it. At the beginning of 2017, we made the decision that we wanted to move to Maine together. We have traveled up there and both truly loved it. We love pretty much the same things so being together felt so right and natural to us. She found a job instantly and found a little apartment to rent right on the beach. It was perfect for her. I had work I had to finish down South before I could move. We were planning on being together again in March/April. The long distance was tough but we've done it before and it helps knowing that they'll be an end to it. I found a job up there in March and moved in with her in April. It felt so amazing. We both loved coming home to each other and waking up in bed with each other. Her lease ran out in the end of May, so we have been looking for a house to rent. We finally got accepted on the house of our dreams. A house in the woods but not too far away from work for each of us. Ultimate privacy and we could finally bring our dogs up from the South. Her apartment didn't allow dogs so she's missed them for a very long time. One of them we raised together from birth. They're mother/daughter. When it came down to signing that 1 year lease, she said it didn't feel right. I was so confused. So we had a really long talk about everything. Her dad, who she idealized, has completely cut her off for no reason. Back in December, he verbally and emotionally abused her for 4 days and now won't say a word to her. He is very mentally unstable and had no reason to treat my girlfriend like that. Her sister, who she practically raised, also won't talk to her at all. She feels like she's lost her entire family. She also explained to me how she wasn't healthy before we met but that I was too amazing and she couldn't pass me up. That made me cry so hard. She explained how she couldn't truly heal herself if she was in a relationship with someone. I agreed with her and I know if I had been through half the stuff she's been through then I'd need to be alone too. Also, in the past few months she's had some episodes where she really wanted to hurt herself. It was heart breaking to see and I did everything I could to help her and be there for her. She's been my whole world for over 6 years now. She told me that the feelings that she had when we got the house showed her that she truly needs time to herself to heal herself. She said that she doesn't love herself and she can't truly love others the right way if she doesn't love herself. I completely agreed and it makes sense. We've been wanting to have babies together for a long time now but agreed they wouldn't be raised the way we wanted if our relationship and her weren't truly healthy. She wants to spend this time, at least 6 months she says but who really knows how long it will take, concentrating on healing herself. Reading the self help books shes had for years but never opened. Going on spiritual retreats, reiki energy healing, massages, aromatherapy and many others. She was also in a car accident a few years back and has been fighting extreme neck pain. I hate seeing her in pain. I do hard manual labor but I try to massage her as much as I can. So after a long talk we had, I truly understood this was something she needed to do, NOT something she wanted to do. I expressed how proud I was of her for doing this and that I fully supported her decision. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult for the both of us but she expressed how much better she feels knowing that I don't hate her and that I was always going to be her supporting her. So after that talk, we packed up all of my stuff that we just unpacked a month earlier and I started my 1,000 mile journey back down South. To come back to my hometown, which I've been striving to get out of for years, and move back in with my Dad. She told me multiple times that this wasn't goodbye forever and that this wasn't our last kiss. Leaving and driving away was by far the hardest thing I've done in my entire life. Just writing about driving away from her has made me cry uncontrollably. She told me not to put my life on hold for her but how can I now when she is my whole life. I have no desire to even talk to other women and I have no desire to settle down here. She said there won't be much communication between us so that she can truly heal and that if we are truly soulmates then we will end up back together. I know I have to be strong for her but I find it hard to do much of anything, including eating. We did everything together. We both love the same things and everything I can think of to try and stay busy just reminds me of her and us. We even had similar careers and just going to work is impossible. She texted me a few times to make sure I made it back down okay but I probably won't hear from her for awhile. My birthday is tomorrow. I have no one to talk to. My guy friends never really have much to say but they are always here for me. I've set up counseling with a local pastor. I'm desperate and that's a huge step for me. I keep telling myself that this is the only way for her to be okay and that this isn't goodbye forever. Although, I always worry that she's going to be so happy and healthy without me that I'll never hear from her again. It's so hard not to text or call her but I know that would only hurt her healing process. I really don't even know what I'm asking for on this website but I truly just need a friend whos maybe been through something like this or maybe someone who has advice? I find it extremely hard to even get through the day and even eat properly. Eating has never been a problem for me, especially since she's an amazing cook. More than anything I want her to be truly happy and healthy. She deserves it and the world deserves to get to know such an amazing and special woman. The world needs more people like her. I feel privileged and honored to get to know her and spend so much special time together. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I have so much love in my heart. This break is causing so much actual pain in my heart, my chest actually hurts. I'm going to miss her so much. Thank you so much for listening.



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I am so sorry for your pain.  I am also very sorry that I just now discovered your post.  How are you doing now that some time has passed?

I hope this finds both of you in counseling, doing your own individual work of healing.  Please let me know how things turned out.



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I think your friend needs a psychologist. Books on self-help are not bad, but that's not enough.