Author Topic: She's Still Here  (Read 4293 times)

wally49er

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She's Still Here
« on: March 22, 2016, 03:19:34 PM »
Sometimes it feels like Cathy is still with me.  And then I feel she's not I am sad.  Today I got a call from the soldier who will carry our son's stone in the Summit Project.  It's the first time Cathy won't be here to tell the soldier about who our son was.  I'll have to do it alone.  I told her (soldier) I would meet her on Thursday, but that's when my widower group is, so I will need to call her back and change the time.  Cathy used to arrange all this.  Maybe that's why she's here, to help.  Maybe because the Summit Project is about Brett.  I don't know.  It's all so sad.   Wally

kgraham

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2016, 03:12:01 AM »
Hi there friend! Im back...I had to hide from the world for a while! I think Im going kind of through the same thing right now with learning how to do our spouses part they would normally handle. Jeff has been right over my shoulder lately. I'll be on the tractor at the farm or working around here and I hear: "Now Angel lets do it this way...lol" It's comforting until its gone. Then it comes back and its gone again....My Aunt is going through this right now also, and about to hit her 1 year anniversary of my uncles death. She just tells me thank God we have all of these wonderful memories with our true loves...we just have to hold on to the wonderful times and use them as our strength right now! Needless to say Im going to see her for strength for the both of us next week! Road trip! Widows club time!  The garden is tilled up and will be planted this weekend!! Woo hoo that was a difficult hurdle but comforting at the same time! Thats when I started feeling him over my shoulder when I did the tilling...it was always Jeff's job. I guess he wanted ot done safely & correctly..haha. The fowers are starting to come up here and it is absolutely amazing! The snap dragons are 10 times the size they have ever been! Irises are blooming that have never before! I hope ot warms up up north soon so you can start your flower garden soon! Cathy is right there with you! Your right...don't ever doubt that, she's helping you right along! I didnt think I would have the strength or energy to do this garden that Jeff & I so loved to do together but realized once I started it how comforting it has been and how much I have felt his strength through something we used to to together...Not to mention I didnt realize how nice it was to get some sun! Cheers from TX!

wally49er

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2016, 01:17:23 PM »
. I!ve been away from forum.  Just been busy trying to get my head straight.  And I've had a nagging cough.  I'm a writer and have been working on trying to get an agent to sell the two novels I've finished.  It's been cold here.  Will be glad when it warms up so I can work outside.  Be nice to start Cathy's flowers.  I eat.  I sleep.  I do laundry, shower and do the dishes, but have a hard time pushing myself to clean the house.  Don't know why.  I always did when Cathy was here.  It is in my schedule for next week.  I'm glad this forum is here.  It helps to have others who are going through the same thing.  Saw my doctor today.  I'm in reasonably good health.  Thanks for being there.  Maybe Cath's still here.  Haven't really seen a sign.  Sh's probably scolding me for getting cable TV.  But if she were here I'd have someone to talk with.  Later.

kgraham

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2016, 02:14:19 AM »
Good on the cable! I have a housekeeper that comes in every other week. It helps. My friend of many years just bought me a ukelele so thats entertaining my thought process right now along with reading. Jeff wood  tinker on the piano and play guitar so I figured why not Ill teach myself how to play it! Its helping a bit. Good ol' youtube lessons..
I had the kids living here with me and somehow ran them off. Its hard for more than one person to be able to grieve their own way to live in the same house. They wanted things to immediately change to this new world and Im not ready. I like my old world. Now I guess Im learning complete quietness....eek I dont like it. I feel like I just started the whole grieving process over. And to cook for yourself only stinks. Sleeping yhea whats that?? Lol its 3:30 in the a.m. and I guess I'm so used to checking on Jeff to see if he's ok I have been wide awake! Its driving me crazy. Whats the magical saying...ooh this too shall all pass...yhea when?..lol
Ok enough complaining...Im going to put one foot in front of the other in a few hours and thats all that should be expected.
 

wally49er

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2016, 12:08:28 PM »
.  I usually am up by 3:30 or 4 am.  I make a pot of coffee and I write until the paper comes at six or 6:30.  I go to bed about nine so I usually get six or seven hours.  Now that I have cable, I've been watching the Red Sox and that may keep me up a little later.  I read and I write.  That's what I do.  This morning I was listening to Merle Haggard and Jewel singing Merle's song "That's the Way Love Goes" and I started bawling.  It's a beautiful song and I've always been a big fan of both Jewel and Merle, but I think I know where the tears came from.  Music can do that to us.  Especially love songs.  Later, Wally

wally49er

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2016, 03:26:20 AM »
. When does it get better?  It's like the Robert Frost poem, Two Tramps in Mud Time, "you're two months back in the middle of March."  It's one step forward and two steps back.  Yesterday, I got home from seeing my counselor at the VA and a little grocery shopping.  I was watching the Red Sox lose to Baltimore when my oldest son called to tell me that our youngest son's wife killed herself.  My daughter-in-law hung herself in jail in Colorado.  She was a beautiful girl with a four month old baby.  Granted, she did have some drug issues.  She had been in and out of rehab.  I thought she was doing well since the baby was born.  I did not expect this.  I prayed for my wife Cathy to accept Jackie into her loving arms.  I know she will.  And they will both be at peace.  It is for us, the living, and to deal with the heartache and heart break.

kgraham

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Re: She's Still Here
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2016, 09:03:12 AM »
Dang it Wally Im sorry to hear about another loss. We went through 3 right after Jeff. It's horrible. Take care of yourself right now and be a little selfish on your feelings. Im in The Windy City visiting Aunt J and we've had laughs, cries, slept alot and more cries...lol. It has been bittersweet. She is going on her 1 yr Anniversary May 3rd and is totally re-doing her house. It cracks me up. She said its a start of a new chapter. It gives me some small inspiration for change one day, but not yet. You are so right about the living dealing with the heart ache and heart break! Also the what to do's and how to move forward? We'll figure that out one step at a time.
Headed back to Texas where apparently it is flooded from rain which is a change. Its been awesome here in the 80's the last few days! Go Rangers!!!