DEAR GOD…WHY DID YOU PICK ME???

[John-Danielle Marie's Daddy]

DEAR GOD…WHY DID YOU PICK ME???

     I don't understand; guess I never will in this lifetime. But still I ask? WHY LORD? WHY did you pick me?  Why my family? Why my daughter? I was a good parent, and our lives were so blessed. So why? WHY? Are we your chosen few? What did I do to be punished so harshly? What is the purpose for all this pain? I've never felt such pain. I just can't let go of her in this life. I remember too much. Way too much! Memories hurt too much right now. I still can't accept it. "Oh well, they say, give him more medication!" They don't know, they don't, all the medication in the world will NEVER stop this pain, and it’s embedded too deep in my heart. They can knock me out, keep me in a daze, numb me, but I KNOW what I've lost!! My precious baby girl! It's sad to think, that all I do is go through my day wondering when will I see her again? Will it be today? How long do I have to live in this life that is almost meaningless to me. I know others will say, "Danielle would want you to go on"... Would she? How would they know? Did they ask her? Did Danielle tell them? "Ohhh life is so precious, you should live life to it's fullest" Fullest? I'm empty!! Can’t they see it? Why me LORD? "Someday you'll understand why all this happened" they say. "Everything happens for a reason"
     Well right now, I'm hurting, and I don't understand!! ! What reason? Why do we have to endure such pain? What could be the reason? Are we to feel better when we know why all this happened to us? Still, why
me? My precious daughter, Danielle, WHY? I dread tomorrow! And all the memories of that day, when they told me that horrible news that no parent EVER wants to hear. Where is she I ask? Is she ok? And all they could do was look down, and try to comfort me. I remember the screaming and my stomach hurting me so badly I had to vomit, the pain brought me to my knees, and I begged and begged that it wasn't true!! OH GOD NO!!!! Please NO!!! But it happened, and there is NOTHING I can do about it! Nothing!!! So I'll wake everyday, without a cause, just to fill up a date in time, and wait, and wait, till my time comes to see where Danielle is. I'm sorry for all this emotions, I just can't take it sometimes, the pretending is wearing off, and my mask is getting soaked. I just don't understand!! Why LORD? Why were we picked? Why us?
           Please pray for my daughter, Danielle, to give me a sign! So that I can pick up my shattered world piece by piece and try to live in this world that she left behind. Danielle was such a beautiful happy girl. Full of life... she really was! GOD, PLEASE forgive me, I don't deny you, I just ask why?

[shelly Tristans mom]

Oh John,   
I ask this same question every single day. I feel your pain.  You can't move on from the death of your precious child. You have to take whatever time you need.  You will never again be the same because a part of you is gone from this world.

I sat here reading your post, feeling your pain, crying with you because I know how it feels.  Not to say that I understand exactly because that is impossible, but understanding the frustration, pain, agony, the deep dark pit of despair where there are no answers to why!!!!!  Why is your child so far away, why do I have to stay in this life and pretend that your living when you are only existing, waiting for the day that you will be reunited with your beautiful daughter.

I know that I have no words to make your pain any easier. I know that whatever I type will be of little comfort to you. I also know that you are not alone in this pain.
I am here for you. I will be praying that Danielle will come to you and give you some peace. That God will touch your broken heart and send you a sign that your precious daughter is with him and safe in his arms.

Just know that you are not alone.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

[Lisa Moody]

John,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain.  I ask god everyday the same question too... And your right we cannot answer that question of why our family,  why my child it hurts and I really sympathize with you about this... I can't answer your questions as I can't even answer my own.  My husband and I feel that pain the day they told me my son was gone..... Feeling the same way John we fell on our knees with an this pain was unbearable like you say.......  Everytime we think of that day or any remembrance of all of this brings this pain back.  I do pray and sometimes in anger I pray to God why also this had to happen to me and my family.... I know I will not know the answer to this.  I pray that the lord will kiss and hug Danielle for you and that she willalways be by your side forever to comfort you through these hard times as I pray for comfort for my son the same way.  his is not easy for all of us and I do pray for everyone to find comfort.  John if I didn't pray I would be insane like living but not here in this world.  John please hang on to your precious memories of Danielle she is watching over you and believe me they are always with us everday.

Sending you lots of prayers and a great hug for comfort John. Take Care

Lisa Moody

[faye]

John,

I am so sorry you are hurting so.  I say the exact same things you say everyday.  Why me??  Why my son?  What did I ever do to deserve this?
This is a journey like no other and to me it is a life sentence.  I am holding you close to my heart.

Love,
Faye, Larry's Mom

[Marianne]

Dear John,

I ask that question every day.  Some days the pain of the question brings me to my knees.

WHY?  What really happened?  I have to know everything.

For a while, I felt a little better knowing that some day, when I reach Alek - he will be able to tell me everything.  Then, my husband asked me this question...

When you see him again... will it really matter what happened?

My answer was no.

I still have questions.  WHY, oh WHY, oh WHY?  I wish we could all receive a redo.

Oh, John, I so understand your pain when people say that everything happens for a reason.  WHAT REASON?  There is no earthly reason for our beautiful children leaving us.  We just try to pick ourselves apart believing that we did something to deserve this pain.

WE don't deserve this!  We did nothing to earn this!

WE are parents.  And by gosh, it is the hardest job in the world.  Even harder when we are left here without our children.

I am sending you support tonight.  Hugs.  You are not alone!

[stella joshs mom]

John-
I just read your post and cried so hard with you I couldn't type a reply till now, 10 minutes later.  When I first started reading your posts in November, when I first started posting, I was so impressed that there was finally a dad willing to post here.  I read eagerly your very positive posts and they always gave me reason to go on!  Funny thing is now its your turn to be down about this awful situation we both are dealing with and now I am at a loss for words to help you back.  Have you ever seen the movie IT's a wonderful life with Jimmy Stewart?  In the movie the main Character never achieves the material things or fame as others do through his life and an angel decides to show him life in his town if he had never been born.  Well he sees how many lifes he would otherwise never help or save or change for the better and realizes that his life  is very important and for a reason and that it touches many others.  John, your life has already helped me and many others at this website make it through another day, another crisis.  We can not change the past but how about trying to use what has happened to us and ours and do something!  I am trying like everyone else here to overcome each awful wave of grief with the help of my family and friends (especially the ones here at this site).  So I can help myself by hopefully helping each one of you when you are caught in the wave.  I do this for myself, my missing son Josh and for all of us.  Ride the wave John, knowing we are all here to catch you as you near the beach.  You are not alone, many are there too, and we do understand.
Stella Joshs Mom 

[JenKellisMom]

I ask these same very questions every day, just wishing my life away so that I'm closer to seeing Kelli again. 

How do we make people understand that living life from here on means EVERYTHING we do is footnoted by the fact that it would be better if our child were still with us?  We can enjoy things now, but they would be MORE enjoyable if our child were still with us.  It will never make sense.

At this website, John, no matter what, you will always be known as Danielle's Father, and that means something.

I am praying that Danielle will give you the sign you need to get comfort to get through this day.

Blessings.

[Donnys Dad]

John, I can so understand everything you wrote.  Why Us?  We all ask that questions.  Our children always came first in life and then they are taken from us.  It is not fair at all.  I too just exist day to day.  Hate to wake up in the morning.  I am retired so I have no place to go, just to Donny's grave.

I have always marveled at how positive you have been on this site.  I know how much you love and miss Danielle by your writings.  Yet you kept the mask on so well.  Perhaps the shock has worn off and you are going thru the next stage of grief.  I so wish there was something I could do to ease your pain, but like everyone else I have no miracle words.

3 years ago today Donny and I were at the Patriots Championship game against the Colts.  Drove thru a blizzard to get there, Donny insisted we go regardless of the weather.  I never realized, or even thought it would be our last game.  So now that memory will hurt me all day long.  Tuesday is his birthday so here we go again.

What you are feeling is normal.  Please continue to release your feelings on here as we all so understand.

[Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)]

There is nothing that I can add to your posting, nothing that I have not felt myself.
I too wondered why my child died for my sins, demanding from God an answer although I knew the answer. What greater pain can be given to a parent; the loss of a beloved child.
My bereavement counselor who is a Nun explained to me that God is not a puppeteer and had nothing at all to do with Adam's demise but that he welcomed Adam into Heaven.
Thinking of it that way makes me less angry at God for I was blaming him and looking for answers to explain it.
I just hope that when my day comes to come before God all the burning questions I have inside will be answered. I need to think that as a mere mortal that the answers are probably here in front of us but we lack the capacity to understand them. When we die I would like to think that we become enlightened so we are not burdened with our earthly woes and sorrows.
My heart goes out to you in your dark days. I hope that you gather the strength and courage to face life one moment at a time and that there are others nearby to love and embrace you when you need it the most.
Love,
Paula

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Dear John,

As I read your words I felt your pain as I have said all these words many times over the past 16 months. WHY MY DAUGHTER???WHY ME???

I too hate to wake up each day as the reason to live is now gone. I get up and just try to fill the day but have no meaning in my life now.

I wish I had magic words that I could send your way to help you thru this pain , but I don't. There just aren't any.

Know I understand and I care and I am so very sorry your on this journey with us.

Thoughts of you and Danielle,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[sykeller (Ray's mom)]

Dear John,

I am so sorry you are hurting.  So sorry for the loss of your sweet Danielle, for the loss of all her potential, all the things that might have been.

I could not have possibly expressed my feelings better than the previous responses to your posting.  I too have asked those questions many times; why me? why my Ray?  After 3 1/2 years, I miss him from the very depths of my soul.  I can not say I know exactly how you feel, because that is something deeply personal and different for all of us, I do understand the agony, despair and anger you feel, the frustration when there are no adequate answers to the question, 'why?' 

I have read your inspiring posts marvelling at the grace with which you handle your situation.  I admire your ability to reach out and help others, even while enduring the terrible pain of losing your precious Danielle.  I do not wear the mask very well, so prefer to remain to myself most of the time.  I do want to tell you how often your posts have helped me, all of us here on this board get through our days.

My heart goes out to during these darkest days. I pray you feel her presence and find strength.

Thanking you for all you do and wishing you peace,

Sy

http://ray-guerrero.memory-of.com/

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

JOHN,
  I AM KEEPING YOU IN MY THOUGHT'S & PRAYERS. EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS EVRYTHING I SAY. WHY US.? CANDI HAD GOTTEN THROWN FROM HER HORSE 9 MO. BEFORE  SHE WAS KILLED & BROKE HER BACK & WAS PARALYZED & HAD TO HAVE SURGERY. THEN TOLD SHE'D NEVER WALK AGAIN. CANDI TOOK HER FIRST STEPS ONE MO. LATER. SHE WALKED AGAIN, RODE A HORSE, RODE A 4-WHEELER, EVEN WENT BACK TO WORK WHERE SHE WAS A NURSE.
 THEN TO BE KILLED 9 MO. LATER.  NOW HER SON ( JOSH-9 NOW) HAS NO MAMA. HER HUSBAND HAS NO WIFE.  MY SISTER HAS NO DAUGHTER. I DON'T HAVE MY NIECE. SHE WAS 23. FULL OF LIFE & ALWAYS FRIENDLY TO EVERYONE. SHE LOVED LIFE.
  WHEN SHE WAS TOLD SHE WOULDN'T WALK. THAT DIDN'T GET HER DOWN. SHE STRUGGLED & I KNOW IT WAS HARD ON HER BUT SHE FOUGHT & NEVER GAVE UP . .
 THE GUY THAT HIT HER HEAD ON WAS FOUND GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER BUT THEN GIVEN 10 YRS. PROBATION. ONE OF THE THING'S HIS LAWYER SAID WAS HE NEEDED TO BE OUT TO BE IN HIS CHILD'S LIFE. I THOUGHT " HE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT THE NIGHT HE CHOSE TO SCARE HIS FRIENDS TO DEATH DRIVING WRECKLESS & KILLED CANDI. NOW HER SON HAS TO LIVE WITHOUT HER. & HE GOT A SECOND CHANCE.
 IT'S NOT FAIR...... PEOPLE SAY I'M GETTING BETTER.
 IT'S NOT THAT. I'M JUST GETTING BETTER AT WEARING THE MASK & THAT'S ALL IT'LL EVER BE.

CANDI, I LOVE & MISS YOU JUST AS MUCH AS I DID THE DAY YOU WERE TAKEN FROM US & I LONG FOR THE DAY I CAN HOLD YOU AGAIN. LOVE, AUNT MARTHA

[Johanna]

I wish I had an answer for you John.  But like everyone here, I still ask myself that same question.

It's hard to believe that one year ago tonight (the 18th tonight), I spoke to my son for the last time... had my last kiss and hug from him... and heard him say "Love you 'mummy'!"  for the last time (yes, he still called me mummy at 22 years old - it started out as a joke and stuck).  It will be one year tomorrow at 1:30 in the afternoon that I got the call from the police about Micheal's accident, and I think I have asked that question 360 out of the last 365 days.

You have been such a positive source of hope here on the site John.  It breaks my heart to see your protective numbness wearing off.  I remember the intense agony of that first "awakening" from my state of shock as if it happened yesterday - because it still happens from time to time, and wish I could do something to spare you.

I wish you the grace of God to get you through this.  You take such comfort from Him usually... may He sustain you through this new stage of grief dear man.

Wishing you peace and comfort,
Much love to you,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

[Sharon - Dawn's Mom]

Dear John,
My heart hurts for you as for everyone here on this board.  I'm holding you and Danielle close to my heart this very minute.  There aren't any words I could even say that will make you feel any better.  There will always be the Whys.  I think it's something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives.  I myself, try to let the Lord, carry me through most days, because that's the only way I can go on.  I do have a lot of questions for HIM, and would like some answers as to Why?  But probably will never know those answers and someday when I get to heaven...those answers will proably not matter at all.
But for now, we walk this journey with tears in our hearts, hoping someday the pain will ease.

Love and Hugs,
Sharon - Dawn's Mom Forever

[marzz]

O John there is nothing i can say that will stop this pain for your
Danielle,  the reality of it is horrendous to us.
But know that beautiful smile of Danielle's make me smile when I see it
makes me cry too, she will never be forgotten.
My shoulder is hear for you
marzz