Author Topic: My father's death  (Read 950 times)

johmac

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My father's death
« on: January 31, 2016, 12:53:43 PM »
Hi Everyone, I'm a Newbie to the forum, you all sound like nice people. I will share part of my story and will give the backstory another time since it might take a longer time to read.

Just want to share my story. My father died at 46 when I was 13, I will be 60 next week. Needless to say grief has reared through a different loss and I am once again confronted with my fatherís death.

Even though I was young, I had a good relationship with him and the night before he died (of a heart attack) I remember sitting on his knee.  Fast forward to now.  I realized that my grief was never properly addressed and this morning, I was aware that I only had a small picture of my mother on display.  This triggered me to have one of my father also. I started to print one and thought it was going to be about  4 x 6. I could feel the pain inside me just printing it and that it may bring forward unexpected emotions. Next thing I see is a full page size picture, which brought all his face close up. I really just wanted a small picture like my mumís but since it was now printed, I stuck it on a computer monitor.  Of course, my tears flowed and I wrote a letter to him about my love for him, etc.

I went for a walk with the dog and when I came back, the roller coaster ride began again. I started getting angry. I thought, this is too much but did some exercise and next thing I am telling him Iím so angry at him for leaving my mother with 4 teenagers and what a tough life my mother had after he left. Time makes no difference to grief. It visits when it wants and stays as long as it wants. I will say there was a sense of peace when I walked the dog since I have acknowledged his presence once more but itís like inviting a stranger back from so long ago and the emotions are strange and difficult to comprehend.

johmac