Author Topic: What has happened to me  (Read 9976 times)

JandL

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Re: What has happened to me
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2016, 04:55:07 AM »
Itís now 25 weeks since my move to hell.

Iím sorry to say that although Iíve noticed changes from those early Ďrawí weeks nothing about my existence has improved. I still cry each day. I look for ways to trick my mind into thinking about other things (unsuccessfully). Strangely the best Iíve managed so far is to try to complete Sudoku puzzles while listening to reruns of Judge Judy (of all things) on TV. I canít stand silence in the house, but itís so difficult to listen to music because it evokes memories so easily.

 I finally got around to changing the bed linen (and placed the sheets I took off the bed in a drawer where they will stay (thank you RobinBlue)). I was pleased to have got Ďpastí this, but afterwards sat and wondered why. What difference would it have made to anyone but me if the sheets had stayed on the bed? However, the jumper and polo necked top she wore (the last clothes she wore) still come to bed with me, and her ashes still make the trip downstairs each morning and back to the bedroom each night. I appear to have overcome any concerns I had about this not being Ďnormalí.
 
Iím still collecting Linís hair and have used a stiff brush and a pan instead of vacuuming Ė eventually I intend to put the hair in an envelope or small bag and put it with her ashes, which is where our wedding rings and her engagement ring are. Thereís no point in me going mad if I donít find ways to demonstrate it Ė if only to myself.

Iím still counting calories and now find it relatively easy to stick to my self-imposed limit of 1500 per day. I meant to say a special Ďthank youí to VickyO for her possible explanation for this. It brought an unexpected comfort to have a logical reason when so much in this world seems to have none Ė many thanks.

I'm so fed up. Lin and I had always tried to lead a Ďgoodí life. We always tried to be kind and considerate to other people. But somewhere along the way I must have done something awful Ė to be given the punishment I now have Ė whatever that was, the punishment has turned out to be perfect. There can be no greater punishment than taking my Lin away and leaving me alive to know what itís like.
Every day is filled with sadness. Nothing gets any better. Time has healed nothing so far Ė but I donít expect it to. Nothing can heal this. Nothing can make it any better than it is right now.

Everyone else seems to have Ďmoved oní, but for me every time I wake up Iím back at 15th November 2015 and my world has fallen apart. Amazing how taking one person out of this world has completely changed everything Ė but just for me apparently. There is no happiness to be found Ė everything is full of memories that just make me so sad.

I accept that for other people the initial shock and hurt has passed, and theyíve moved back to Ďlife as it wasí, but they (other than my friend Paul) seem to have no conception that this isnít the case for me. Why do they think Iíll Ďget over thisí the same way that they have. Why canít they accept that I will never Ďget over ití, and Iíll never want to. Having said this, I hardly see anyone now, so itís a problem thatís solving itself.
 
I just want her back. Each night I pray that either sheíll come back to me, or that I wonít wake to another day without her Ė more unanswered prayers. Please just let us be together again, itís all that we ever wanted.

Jim,John

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Re: What has happened to me
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2016, 08:37:21 AM »
Hi everyone I am new here. This is my story . I was caregiver to my mom and husband for many years. I lost my mom on July 14,2012. I still had my husband to care for,so I really don't think I grieved my mom's passing . On September 23,2012, I lost my husband. I was devastated. I was like a zombie. I couldn't eat ,or sleep. Then both of their birthdays came and went. I was in a daze . The first Christmas was here and I still had the same dinner like we always had. I was in complete denial. The second year was worse for me . I guess reality set in that I was never doing to see either one again. In the year 2015 I was sort of healing. I felt that I was ready to be happy again, and a great friend just lost his wife. We reconnected and I helped him with his grief. We grew very close to each other. We went out to eat and had some things planned for future dates. We knew each other for almost 15 years. We were both caregivers to our spouses and we just touched each other soul's . We were both on the same journey. On May 16,2016 he passed away. I am right back to 2012 when I lost my mom and hubby. My heart is broken in so many pieces,that the only part that is still beating is the part keeping me alive. I have no more pieces left to have broken. I am so very saddened by his death. I miss the future that we were planning. My friends and family and his sister-in -law try to help. I appreciate it , But I am right back where I started.