Author Topic: the choice to end my mothers life.  (Read 1145 times)

Lulubell

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the choice to end my mothers life.
« on: January 06, 2016, 03:39:26 AM »
My mom died July 24 2015 after a one year 20 day battle with stomach cancer. My mom was very strong willed and once she made a decision that was it! Towards the end she wouldn't take enough pain pills because she simply didn't think they worked. After trying to get her to believe her doctor that if you take the right amount the pain would go away and her just looking at me and saying no, I started bribing her to take more. She would want to go for coffee so I would say take a pill or I won't take you and surprise she would take them and it was like she wasn't sick, she would smile and laugh and tell me her "mom" jokes. It was hard, really hard. I know it would be hard for anyone going through this with their mom but my mom was different. She lost her dad to stomach cancer (yes same cancer, same very rare cancer, both died within a month of their 58th birthdays, when she was 16, my mom lost her mother when she was 35, died in a car accident. My mom was born in 1957 her mother was 38 and her dad was 40 in an upper class family (my mom's side is actually a very famous family from toronto, not important who they were just part of my point) it was unheard of for a women to be that old and having a baby so her brothers are 14 and 12 years older then her. She was always kind of a loner. She was very polite and sweet as anything everyone loved her. She made every life decision her self and did what she felt was right for her and us three kids.

After 6 days in the hospital, and 2 days after she decided not to continue with "life sustaining measures" like blood transfusions, chemo, steroid pills, she suddenly could hardly breath. The put an oxygen mask on and then she started to puke blood. My brother sister and I rushed back to the hospital (my mom didn't want to die in front of us kids, we stayed everyday, all day, 7am to midnight, my mom's two best friends spent the night with her) when we got there the doctor came in and gave us two choices one would be a medication that would make her muscles relax so she could breath but wouldn't be able to move and she wouldn't be able to talk and then let nature take its course. The second choice was to induce a coma, but that medication might make her pass right away. Because of her state and pain we went with the second choice. It was the best choice she was really suffering. I don't regret it at all. As time goes by I can't get over the fact that I didn't hear my mom say "yes that's what I want" whether or not she said it doesn't matter. I don't know if she did.

My problem now is if I mention this to my brother or sister and if they did or didn't hear her I don't want them to start doubting what happened. I don't want either of them to deal with what i'm going through. After an entire lifetime of making her own choices and living the way she wanted, I just want to know if she had the final say about her life.
 


Terry

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Re: the choice to end my mothers life.
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2016, 06:50:53 PM »

Lulubell - I'm so sorry that your precious Mom has died. Try to be patient with you, as this is a difficult time. We experience so many different emotions after a loved one dies and they can all be very confusing. Those what if's, the should have, could have and of course the guilt....is all normal after a great loss. One thing I am sure of - we always second guess ourselves when we're the most vulnerable. It's human nature.

I agree with you that it will always be a difficult time and never feel like the right time to mention your concerns with your brother and sister....this is a heavy burden to carry alone. I hope by sharing it here, by writing it down that that weight doesn't feel like it's dragging you around.

Sending you hugs.