My heart breaks for all of you as I read about your grief and deep losses. Even though I don't know any of you, I feel that we all can relate to each others' feelings because we walk the same path. I can also understand the temptation to make choices that aren't in your best interest.....it's hard to do things that are beneficial and positive when we feel down hearted and sad. I found it was easier to numb my saddness with alcohol than to deal with the reality of my loss --- and my husband sort of "saved me from myself" by taking the alcohol out of the house so I wouldn't continue to use that as a crutch. It's not that I don't still have a beer or two when we go out for a bite to eat - but I no longer walk in the door after work and go to the fridge for a beer....and another....and another....etc. until the pain lessens. I did quite a bit of reading about grief, and that type of behavior is common -- but it all-too-often just brings about one more problem to deal with. And I don't need any more problems right now.
My loss is very recent, and I am learning that some people I've known for years have also gone through very difficult losses, and they shared their experiences with me. I am learning that this is not going to be something I can get over quickly or easily, but I know that the pain I am feeling now will be more manageable as time goes by and I will be better able to deal with my emotions. I see the counselor again next week - not sure if he will have any words of wisdom for me. I used to consider myself fairly religious - I think I have taken that to a new level, because I find myself praying a lot.
I was relieved to have the holidays behind me - the days just seemed to drag on, and I had to keep my mind occupied on other things. This time of year is always hard for me - when the days get shorter and it gets dark at 4:30 in the afternoon, it is so depressing. I am glad that it will stay lighter for longer periods of time every day now.
They say that after someone you love dies, you are stuck in the grieving process and the rest of the world "seems to go on without you". I found that to be so true. And that's when the holidays hit -- Facebook was full of posts....families sharing their pictures of everyone gathering together, etc. For awhile there, I didn't even log onto Facebook. I wasn't angry or jealous - I am happy my friends have things to celebrate -- but right now, I just don't want to be reminded about it.
My loss has opened my eyes to what is truly important in life. I hope that as my heart begins to heal and my emotions are not so frazzled, that I never lose sight of those 'most important things'. And I wish for all you dear ones on this message board to find peace, comfort, and strength in the new year ahead.
Although we must move forward, may the love embedded in our hearts and memories of our loved ones make us better people. By doing this, we pay tribute to just how much they touched our lives and how very special they will always be to us.