Author Topic: The New Year and new hopes  (Read 1968 times)

MissSteph4ever

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The New Year and new hopes
« on: December 29, 2015, 10:28:20 AM »
It has been a while since i have been on the message boards but i wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing this holiday season. I see some new names on here and my heart hurts for those of you that are spending your first holidays without your child. This Christmas was the third without my Stephanie and it wasn't much different than the second Christmas, there are so many memories and i miss her so much. I had a dream of her last night and i said to her "I told you it would kill me if i ever lost you and it is" and then i broke down crying and she hugged me and i could smell her and then my alarm went off, i just wanted to go back to sleep and be with her again. It has been so hard trying to live with out her and accept that she is gone, it has been 2 years, 8 months and 2 weeks since she died and part of me can't wrap my head around the fact that its been that long. Every day life goes on but its totally different now, i am totally different, my marriage is totally different, everything and everyone has changed. My mother in law died in June, we were there when she took her last breathe and that was a tough time, making funeral arrangements was hard as it reminded us of planning my daughters arrangements. Life goes on  as i said and I am trying to look forward to the New Year with hope that i can make some positive changes in my life and maybe just maybe the sadness will soften some. I feel like i have just been going through the motions of life, going to work, eating, smoking and drinking to much, sitting around feeling sorry for myself, i have gaind at least 20 pounds and feel like a train wreck most days. I am not making any strict resolutions for New Years but i am going to start making healthier choices, not overindulging so much and just try to do better. I have also become a hermit for the most part and i want to get out there and spend time with freinds, and family and just start living again. I just want to go into 2016 hopeful that i will become a better person than i was in 2015 and maybe find a little peace within myself.
My beautiful daughter Stephanie Leigh 9/16/87-4/15/13 [nofollow]

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: The New Year and new hopes
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2015, 01:36:20 PM »
My heart was crying for yours as I read your post. I could so identify with it; the longing of the loss and how one become a totally different person after losing a child.
As time goes on the raw edges of the loss changes and you can do things without be blind with grief. However, with that being said, the grief lies solidly in my heart and conscious alongside my new hopes for finding moments of joy.
I hope that you find some peace.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: The New Year and new hopes
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2016, 09:27:57 AM »

((((Melissa))))

Good for you for making choices to live healthier. I wish I would have done that earlier on, then I wouldn't have the problems I have now.
Those dreams are difficult because when we pick up their scent and then they leave, it almost feels like another death. I'm sorry for your pain. In time, though those dreams brings smiles and pockets of peace and it's those times I've looked forward to, especially in the first ten years.

Wishing you peace, joy and moments of happiness. :love9:

Love,
Terry

VickyO

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Re: The New Year and new hopes
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2016, 06:54:27 PM »
My heart breaks for all of you as I read about your grief and deep losses.  Even though I don't know any of you, I feel that we all can relate to each others' feelings because we walk the same path.  I can also understand the temptation to make choices that aren't in your best interest.....it's hard to do things that are beneficial and positive when we feel down hearted and sad.  I found it was easier to numb my saddness with alcohol than to deal with the reality of my loss --- and my husband sort of "saved me from myself" by taking the alcohol out of the house so I wouldn't continue to use that as a crutch.  It's not that I don't still have a beer or two when we go out for a bite to eat - but I no longer walk in the door after work and go to the fridge for a beer....and another....and another....etc. until the pain lessens.  I did quite a bit of reading about grief, and that type of behavior is common -- but it all-too-often just brings about one more problem to deal with.  And I don't need any more problems right now. 

My loss is very recent, and I am learning that some people I've known for years have also gone through very difficult losses, and they shared their experiences with me.  I am learning that this is not going to be something I can get over quickly or easily, but I know that the pain I am feeling now will be more manageable as time goes by and I will be better able to deal with my emotions.  I see the counselor again next week - not sure if he will have any words of wisdom for me.  I used to consider myself fairly religious - I think I have taken that to a new level, because I find myself praying a lot. 

I was relieved to have the holidays behind me - the days just seemed to drag on, and I had to keep my mind occupied on other things.  This time of year is always hard for me - when the days get shorter and it gets dark at 4:30 in the afternoon, it is so depressing.  I am glad that it will stay lighter for longer periods of time every day now.

They say that after someone you love dies, you are stuck in the grieving process and the rest of the world "seems to go on without you".  I found that to be so true.  And that's when the holidays hit -- Facebook was full of posts....families sharing their pictures of everyone gathering together, etc.  For awhile there, I didn't even log onto Facebook.  I wasn't angry or jealous - I am happy my friends have things to celebrate -- but right now, I just don't want to be reminded about it. 

My loss has opened my eyes to what is truly important in life.  I hope that as my heart begins to heal and my emotions are not so frazzled, that I never lose sight of those 'most important things'.  And I wish for all you dear ones on this message board to find peace, comfort, and strength in the new year ahead. 

Although we must move forward, may the love embedded in our hearts and memories of our loved ones make us better people.  By doing this, we pay tribute to just how much they touched our lives and how very special they will always be to us.