Hi again,
I'm just checking back in to give an update. The night I posted my feelings was probably one of the most difficult nights I was going through since my son died. My husband was on night shift and I didn't have much "busy" work left to keep my mind occupied....and I had too much time to think and to feel sad. I didn't think I'd ever get out of that dark place - and it scared me to think that was how I would have to live my life.
Not long after that post, I connected with some dear friends (a former boss, a former colleague at work, a current work mate, etc.) and had one-on-one conversations with them about how I was feeling. They were great listeners and they encouraged me to just keep working through the grief, and to reach out for help in any way I could get it - whenever I needed it. Truly, after verbalizing what was in my heart with these ladies, I realized I already started to feel a little better. At least I got things off my chest. It's not that my husband isn't a good listener; it's just that talking with him is like preaching to the choir.........we both feel sad and are grieving. I want to have an upbuilding conversation with him and don't want to get us both down - even though I know I need to talk about what's going on in order for me to get better.
So I made an appointment with a counselor and felt better after the 1st session. I go back in a week. To be honest, I felt completely drained and wore out after the session -- just numb. Numb is probably a GOOD thing. I think it's the beginning of getting to understand my grief and work through it.
The counselor and I talked about my life's "blueprint". I had everything plotted out, our children were becoming independent, they were out of college and working at jobs they enjoyed, my hubby and I were thinking of retiring in a few years, etc. When my son died, my "blueprint" wasn't accurate anymore --- and the counselor said that my expectation of getting over grief so quickly was likened to tearing the blueprint up and just throwing another one down to work from, as if my son's death should be easy to get over. That's not how it works. I have to build a new 'blueprint' based on new experiences, based on memories from the past, and based on what we want our lives to look like going forward.
He also told me I am a born "fixer". I help people and want to make their lives better. It's what I do at work, and it's what I want to do in my personal life. I cannot "fix" what happened when my son died......even though my religious beliefs are that I will see him one day again, I cannot "fix" things here and now. It's out of my hands. So I need to find comfort in things that are going okay, and look for the good things going on in my life. They are there - I just need to allow myself to let them become a part of me again. Which will happen in time -- as my sadness diminishes, there will be happy times to fill the new space. But it will take time.
You asked about my son -- he was a special guy. Loved to tinker with things to see how they worked. Enjoyed the outdoors and nature. Liked to hunt, fish, practice archery, etc. As he grew older, he finished college and was an electrician at a local manufacturing business. He loved electrical work and was really good at it. He had a lot of coworkers who said he had a heart of gold and that he'd always help them out, showing them the ropes when they were new at their jobs. Levi had some really close friends - they told me what they will always remember about him was that he would make time for them no matter what - even if he only had a few minutes.......he could be counted on as a friend. Levi was especially close to Austin, his only sibling, who is 1 year older. The two of them did everything together, eventually moving into an apartment together after college. Levi developed a love for motorcycles, which had us concerned......but we knew that, as an adult, that decision was his own to make. We bought him protective gear - even special jeans with padded knees and shoes with metal reinforcements, etc. We didn't want him to get hurt if he insisted on riding bike. But even all that gear couldn't help in this case - a car turned in front of him at the last minute, and he hit it in the passenger side. He lived for about 2 hours or so - that was it. What breaks my heart is that our other son came by the accident scene. He followed the rescue squad to the hospital and waited for my husband and I to arrive from out of town. After an hour at the hospital, the staff told my older son that Levi didn't make it - and then he had to call us to break the news because we were still driving to the hospital. Nobody got the chance to speak with Levi, and as I understand it, he wasn't conscious - but we still would have wanted the chance. For my son, Austin, who is only 23, he shouldered a lot of difficult responsibilities that evening, and I cannot imagine how he was able to stay focused and hold it all together. It's been really hard on us all. My other son is dealing with so much -- we are happy he is seeing a counselor, too. He suffered from depression before all of this happened, and the accident has made this much worse.
We have a close family and lots of support. I think my problem was that I expected grief to be easier to deal with, or periodically something I could turn off and on - like a switch - so the bad times only came when it was convenient. I'm learning that's not accurate at all.
I live in Wisconsin - for those of you familiar with our long winters, you'll understand why this time of year is so difficult to be in when grieving. If it was snowing, it would be better - I love how sparkly snow is...it's magical. But we have no snow because it's been unseasonably warm (even though 35 degrees still isn't WARM, really); the days are grey, wet, and cold, and I am longing for a reprieve from this icky part of winter. In time, I'll wake up to a white blanket on the ground and that will make me smile. I will probably even build a snow man in our front yard.......when Levi was a young boy, he would build one there every year. I'll refrain from opting for the giant snow fort, however - the neighbors will think I've lost my mind if they see me biulding one of those!!
Thank you all for reaching out - I'll continue to check in - this board is very helpful. The exercise of writing down what's in my head/heart makes a huge difference, and your kind words help me feel much better.
Hugs from chilly Wisconsin!
Vicky
Topic: Re: Hello, I'm new here (Read 4604 times)
