Author Topic: Re: Hello, I'm new here  (Read 3566 times)

VickyO

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« on: November 30, 2015, 06:03:47 PM »
Thanks for the opportunity to share in this forum.  After losing our 22 year old son in a motorcycle accident last month, I am feeling extremely sad, and I no longer feel like smiling or laughing.  The "old me" was always positive, upbeat, outgoing, and talkative.  The "new me" tries her best to smile, but it requires effort.  She doesn't have an appetite, needs to be exhausted in order to sleep, and misses the way life used to be.

Despite how I feel, I have many great things going for me -- so that's why I feel bad about the way I feel.  I have a strong, loving husband of 26+ years, one remaining son (23, who shared an apartment with the sibling he lost), family and frends who support us, and a work family and job that I enjoy very much.  I have a strong faith and feel I have a close relationship with God....and I do not blame him for the death of our son....it was an accident.  He wasn't driving wrecklessly - he had on all his safety gear - but another car turned in front of him and that was that -- an accident that couldn't be avoided.   I want to get out of this sad state of mind, but feel absolutely stuck in where I am. I starteed writing a journal last night, and that helped tremendously.  I am hoping this forum will give me additional support at times when I am alone (my hubby works shift work and evenings are very lonely for me - plus we live out in the rurals, and driving a distance to be with others isn't appealing - plus, I'm afraid of hitting a deer because they are everywhere lately.)

After reading the posts from other people, I realize I am not alone.  Does anyone have suggestions for how to climb out of this uncomfortable part of the grieving process?  At first I was in denial (probably a coping mechanism) and I grasp the reality of what happened.  I feel hope that I'll see my loved one again some day.  I do not blame others and am not angry.  So why am I so sad?  How can I work my way through this?  Perhaps I'm more sensitive to feeling sad because I'm usually not a sad person.....this is so unlike me.
The real me is an extrovert - I can talk to anyone and LOVE to be surrounded by people.  I'm bubbly, talkative, my eyes light up when I smile, and I am a positive up-beat person.  The sad part is the "real me" disappeared and I can't seem to get her back, and I really, really miss being that person.  I'm stuck in this sad place with no desire to have fun....I want to get through this but don't want to be a burden to anyone.

I have counseling benefits at work, but don't know that they will help.  After all, I'll rehash everything I just wrote in this discussion board and that person will say, "yes, you are definitely feeling the grieving process". 

Maybe all I need to hear is that I'm normal........am I?  Does anything I wrote sound similar to what any of you have felt after a loss?

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2015, 09:50:39 AM »

(((((Vicky)))))

I'm so sorry to read of the recent death of your precious son. Welcome to Webhealing, I'm glad you found us. Although none of us ever wanted to end up here, we're very glad for the people we've met here and come to know over the years. The support and the compassion is amazing.

I understand some of what you've shared and after years have passed since my children died and what I know now as opposed to at the time of their death, I wish *shock* would have lasted much longer.
This is a very long journey and whatever comfort you can find and from any source...embrace it.

We understand, here on Child Loss the depth of the pain from burying our child.

Tell us about your son. :tearyeyed:

Love & Hugs, :love9:
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2015, 10:18:33 AM »
(((((((((Vicky)))))))))

I'm so sorry to meet you this way. I have never lost a child, so I will leave talking about that to others who have. I have lost two siblings and my dad.

I just want to say...yes, you are normal.

Be kind to yourself and it sounds like you're doing fine to me. Feel free to talk here. It's a safe place.

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2015, 01:57:15 PM »
((VickyO)
I could not have survived without this board and the treatment of a psychiatrist, bereavement counselor and grief groups. It's a little past 9 years for me now and it's a journey that I wish I never had begun. Life throws you curve balls and some of them you cannot duck, you take the hit and learn how to accept that there is no other way.
I hope that you will try counseling as I found that it has helped me and that you will continue on the board. Even though most of us have not met one another there are bonds formed that have helped me.
Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

VickyO

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2015, 12:18:32 PM »
Hi again,
I'm just checking back in to give an update.  The night I posted my feelings was probably one of the most difficult nights I was going through since my son died.  My husband was on night shift and I didn't have much "busy" work left to keep my mind occupied....and I had too much time to think and to feel sad.  I didn't think I'd ever get out of that dark place - and it scared me to think that was how I would have to live my life.

Not long after that post, I connected with some dear friends (a former boss, a former colleague at work, a current work mate, etc.) and had one-on-one conversations with them about how I was feeling.  They were great listeners and they encouraged me to just keep working through the grief, and to reach out for help in any way I could get it - whenever I needed it.  Truly, after verbalizing what was in my heart with these ladies, I realized I already started to feel a little better.  At least I got things off my chest.  It's not that my husband isn't a good listener; it's just that talking with him is like preaching to the choir.........we both feel sad and are grieving.  I want to have an upbuilding conversation with him and don't want to get us both down - even though I know I need to talk about what's going on in order for me to get better.

So I made an appointment with a counselor and felt better after the 1st session.  I go back in a week.  To be honest, I felt completely drained and wore out after the session -- just numb.  Numb is probably a GOOD thing.  I think it's the beginning of getting to understand my grief and work through it.

The counselor and I talked about my life's "blueprint".  I had everything plotted out, our children were becoming independent, they were out of college and working at jobs they enjoyed, my hubby and I were thinking of retiring in a few years, etc.  When my son died, my "blueprint" wasn't accurate anymore --- and the counselor said that my expectation of getting over grief so quickly was likened to tearing the blueprint up and just throwing another one down to work from, as if my son's death should be easy to get over.  That's not how it works.  I have to build a new 'blueprint' based on new experiences, based on memories from the past, and based on what we want our lives to look like going forward.

He also told me I am a born "fixer".  I help people and want to make their lives better.  It's what I do at work, and it's what I want to do in my personal life.  I cannot "fix" what happened when my son died......even though my religious beliefs are that I will see him one day again, I cannot "fix" things here and now.  It's out of my hands.  So I need to find comfort in things that are going okay, and look for the good things going on in my life.  They are there - I just need to allow myself to let them become a part of me again.  Which will happen in time -- as my sadness diminishes, there will be happy times to fill the new space.  But it will take time.

You asked about my son -- he was a special guy.  Loved to tinker with things to see how they worked.  Enjoyed the outdoors and nature.  Liked to hunt, fish, practice archery, etc.  As he grew older, he finished college and was an electrician at a local manufacturing business.  He loved electrical work and was really good at it.  He had a lot of coworkers who said he had a heart of gold and that he'd always help them out, showing them the ropes when they were new at their jobs.  Levi had some really close friends - they told me what they will always remember about him was that he would make time for them no matter what - even if he only had a few minutes.......he could be counted on as a friend.  Levi was especially close to Austin, his only sibling, who is 1 year older.  The two of them did everything together, eventually moving into an apartment together after college.  Levi developed a love for motorcycles, which had us concerned......but we knew that, as an adult, that decision was his own to make.  We bought him protective gear - even special jeans with padded knees and shoes with metal reinforcements, etc.  We didn't want him to get hurt if he insisted on riding bike.  But even all that gear couldn't help in this case - a car turned in front of him at the last minute, and he hit it in the passenger side.  He lived for about 2 hours or so - that was it.    What breaks my heart is that our other son came by the accident scene.  He followed the rescue squad to the hospital and waited for my husband and I to arrive from out of town.  After an hour at the hospital, the staff told my older son that Levi didn't make it - and then he had to call us to break the news because we were still driving to the hospital.  Nobody got the chance to speak with Levi, and as I understand it, he wasn't conscious - but we still would have wanted the chance.  For my son, Austin, who is only 23, he shouldered a lot of difficult responsibilities that evening, and I cannot imagine how he was able to stay focused and hold it all together.  It's been really hard on us all.  My other son is dealing with so much -- we are happy he is seeing a counselor, too.  He suffered from depression before all of this happened, and the accident has made this much worse.

We have a close family and lots of support.  I think my problem was that I expected grief to be easier to deal with, or periodically something I could turn off and on - like a switch - so the bad times only came when it was convenient.  I'm learning that's not accurate at all. 

I live in Wisconsin - for those of you familiar with our long winters, you'll understand why this time of year is so difficult to be in when grieving.  If it was snowing, it would be better - I love how sparkly snow is...it's magical.  But we have no snow because it's been unseasonably warm (even though 35 degrees still isn't WARM, really); the days are grey, wet, and cold, and I am longing for a reprieve from this icky part of winter.  In time, I'll wake up to a white blanket on the ground and that will make me smile.  I will probably even build a snow man in our front yard.......when Levi was a young boy, he would build one there every year.  I'll refrain from opting for the giant snow fort, however - the neighbors will think I've lost my mind if they see me biulding one of those!!

Thank you all for reaching out - I'll continue to check in - this board is very helpful.  The exercise of writing down what's in my head/heart makes a huge difference, and your kind words help me feel much better. 

Hugs from chilly Wisconsin!

Vicky

Terry

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2015, 10:30:24 AM »
Hi Vicky,

Thanks for the update and for sharing your special boy, Levi. Regardless of how old they are they are always our babies. Levi was a very special person....a beautiful soul. All of our angels are beautiful and precious beyond words.

Wishing you the most beautiful memories of your precious Levi this holiday season.

Sending hugs and love, :love9:
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Hello, I'm new here
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2015, 02:38:49 PM »
Glad to hear that you are reaching out and working through your grief. It is a process and 9 years later I still work on it. I think that it'll probably be a lifelong journey.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings