i need a shoulder to cry on

[koalachild]

I'm sitting here in front of this lap top, slowly pondering over how to describe how I feel. I feel limp, weak maybe even a bit numb to the fact that I can't trust anyone. Not even myself. I'm going back and forth between schoolwork and this post. I'm just so... done. My body feels done and so exhausted from the constant rounds of arguing and hurting and screaming and working and overthinking and pain and crying and kicking everything in my room and cursing under my breath and clenching my teeth and pushing my nails harder and harder into the my skin when I make fists to hold myself together. I'm done. DONE. I have.. so so much anger inside me right now and I just feel so limp. Every time I type a sentence on this laptop my arm slips off. So limp and useless it seems. I want to cry my heart out or scream or punch a wall and i am just too tired to do it. I feel no motivation to do anything. I don't feel motivated to even get up and use the restroom right now. I just want to lay here on my bed with no thoughts. A blank mind and a quiet night is all I can imagine being the best thing for me right now. I feel like my entire body is being dragged down right now. Almost like I am dragging chains behind me. Or like a huge rock is laying on top of me. I want to do something. Anything and not feel like I have to do it. I'm just so tired and I don't want to stay home nor go to school tomorrow. I want to stay in my bed alone for the rest of my life it seems. Just in my own silence. In my own head. To just feel motivated to breathe seems like a lot at the moment. Writing this out honestly makes me feel pathetic and I know I am in my mom's eyes. Pathetic. I'm clingy and I lie out of habit and I sigh too much and I can never handle my feelings or strength and I.. I DON'T KNOW OKAY. Finally the tears are coming and the screen looks blurry through the tears and I am glad  I am actually feeling something and so hurt by myself that I ruined everything over something so small did my mother have to take it too far. In the midst of five seconds the tears sprang and disappeared. No tear flowed down my cheek or even hung off the bottom of my eye. Now I feel like nothing again. I don't know who I am or what it was specifically I have done to make my mother truly not give ... I wanna curse so bad it sounds like such a comforting way to express my feelings. To curse and curse and curse but I am trying to change so I wont. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HER THAT MAKES HER NOT CARE IF SHE HURT ME OR NOT. THE ONE BUTTON SHE KNEW WOULD HURT ME SHE KEPT PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING AND PUSHING AND I BLEW. I BLEW UP IN MY OWN HEAD AND GOT OUT OF HER CAR AND SHE WAS SHOCKED ABOUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS SHE SHOCKED ABOUT SHE KNEW SHE HURT ME AND WAS CONFUSED?/??1!!12!!G
E09]T3R94UT I AM CONFUSED. POUNDING MY TINY FINGERS INTO THIS KEYBOARD WHEN I CAN BE CALM AND NOT IN PAIN ROCKING MYSELF BACK AND FORTH YELLING THESE WORD INSIDE. I WANT TO THROW THIS LAPTOP ACROSS THE ROOM BECAUSE I AM DONE. DONE! I HAVE HAD IT HAD IT HADITTTTTTTTRQRE HT PUEQH3Q98HYT983`H5TH58YH58TH53T810. SHE TOLD MY DAD THE FEELINGS I HAD TOWARDS HIM AND SHE TOLD HIM WHAT I SAID. SHE TOLD HIM AND HE WASN;T SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD AND THAT SHOWS SOMETHING THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS SHE FEELS BUT SHE OBVIOUSLY HATES ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT IGNORANT. THAT WAS OUR BUSINESS. MY FEELINGS AND I HAD TO LIE TO HIM SO HE DIDN'T FEEL BETRAYED. HOW DARE SHE. HOW DARE SHE. HOW DAre she do that to me .... what did I do to deserve this punishment of being in so much pain. What did I do to deserve this anger. This broken heart? My mother is too much for me to handle. I just can't. I can't do this anymore. I have said that so many times but I feel so weak to the point where I may fall off the bed just from typing into this computer. I have nobody to confess my feelings to. I had done something like this before and my mom found it so I am nervous. At the same time i'm not. The main thing I feel right now is hurt. I don't want to move or even be awakw right now. Can someone just please let me cry into their shoulder before I go insane. please.

[Terry]

koalachild,

How do you feel today and after writing your feelings down? Sometimes it helps to find someone to talk with that can be objective regarding our situation; a pastor, teacher or anyone that you feel you can trust.

Terry