Author Topic: struggling with the void  (Read 2035 times)


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struggling with the void
« on: November 16, 2015, 11:56:07 AM »
hi. new to this forum.
my partner died a little less than a month ago. he was violently murdered. it tears at my heart to think of him being hurt like that. and how he died alone only with his dog.

everything around me feels like its hard to grasp. out of control.
i cant stop thinking about it or him. All the phantom sensory images of him.. they hurt me but comforts me at the same time. im so preoccupied but i dont want the thoughts to go away either.

i miss him so much. and i feel alone. lonely.

everything is just surreal.

i feel like the world expects me to get up and act like nothing happened and still go about my life as life goes.
and i want to do that....
but i feel like there is weights on my limbs. and my heart aches.
i feel like people get annoyed if i talk about it.... like after the funeral i should just be over it.... and get on with it.
but thats all i think about.

i think about maybe escaping away. taking a short rehabilitation vacation. or getting involved in a support group here in the city... but i dont know if thats the answer.

my school life is crumbling around me..... i can restart in the january semester though... but now im falling behind my peers.
my house is a disaster..... i cant seem to do laundry for the life of me

and im sick of being such a "debbie downer" .....

anyways.. hoping this support chat place will offer some relatability, support and advice.

- ali


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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: struggling with the void
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2015, 12:46:52 PM »

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm so sorry for the recent and tragic death of your partner. We all grieve in such a unique way so don't worry about what others are saying to you; they don't understand (not yet) and most of the time they don't know what to say. You don't owe anyone just owe yourself the time to grieve, your way and to be true with your feelings. It takes time and a lot of patience.

Sending hugs and love, :love9:


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Re: struggling with the void
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2016, 10:40:47 AM »
Dear Allison,

I was moved to read what you shared.  I'm just a newbie when it comes to grief - I'm about six weeks in after losing my wife to a blood disorder (cancer).  So all the "phenomena" you are describing are very familiar to me.

I wanted to say that losing your loved one to murder puts you in a special and very intense place for grieving.  I also hear in what you said a very real lack of support.  None of us plan for these losses - particularly those who lose a loved to violent crime.

Your thought of a support group sounds good to me.  It would also be helpful, if you so choose, to seek individual grief counselling.  I know that cost can be an issue, but there may be low cost or free options available in your area.

I understand that your path through grief may be a tough one - but seek out the help that you need from helpful people who understand.  These messages to "be strong" and "get over it" are never very helpful.

Yours, mandeldog


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Re: struggling with the void
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2016, 10:04:55 PM »

My heart goes out to you.  What you are feeling is normal . . . not normal for living, but normal for Grief.  I was told about counseling sessions through the EAP program at work.  I was approved for 8 sessions for Grief and, because I felt it wasn't enough and was very nervous to be 'on my own', not really knowing how to do that (I've been married nearly all of my adult life), I asked for 8 more sessions for Anxiety, which were approved.   I highly recommend counseling with a qualified Grief counselor.  I looked up all 8 or 10 names they gave me and chose the one with a more holistic outlook.  She is wonderful.  I talked 1/2 the time and she talked 1/2 the time, giving me tools, stories, metaphors, explanations.  She was exactly the type of counselor I needed.  I hope you find one in your area too. 

She explained to me the physiological things that were happening to me, that were a natural reaction to sudden loss.  "You are not in control," she explained.  "Grief is."  The wisdom of her words stay with me.  I am forever grateful.  I just put one foot in front of the other each day, working sequentially rather than random access as most women can.  Multi-tasking was gone for me.  Like you describe . . . those weights were on and I couldn't take them off.  I had to allow at least twice as much time to do ANYTHING.  And I would forget things I never forgot.  This is Grief.  Just let go and feel what you need to feel, rest when you need to rest.  This time is for your healing.  Grief is your body's survival instinct kicking in.  It does seem like time stands still or goes in very slow motion, but that is what you need to do right now.  Just do the best you can and take it one day at a time.  Love yourself.  Be ok to feel what you feel.   

If you have a pet, love and hug them as often as possible.  They love it and their love is healing in return.  I often said if it wasn't for my little dog, Brindle, I would not have gotten out of bed . . . but she had to eat, she had to be walked.  Lucky me, I needed the exercise, the sunshine and something to care for, something that was dependent on me.  She was actually supposed to be his dog . . . turns out she probably saved my life.  She wanted and deserved to play . . . She made me laugh and she cuddled with me at night . . . still does.  Pets are great therapy.   
I hope something I've said here helps.  God bless you and show you ways to know that life will return the light it once had.