Author Topic: 34 weeks and counting  (Read 2028 times)


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34 weeks and counting
« on: October 13, 2015, 02:25:11 PM »
Today marks the 34th week since Tom passed. Yesterday was difficult as I relived spending Tom's last day with him in the hospital. Between a flurry of tests and doctors and nurses and his friend Carl visiting, we managed to squeeze in I love yous, hand holding. In my heart of hearts, I know he knew he was done. I didn't realize we were down to hours but I think he did and he just wanted to protect me. He insisted I go home around 3:30 and get some rest and settle in for the night since I'd had a bad night the night before. When we talked on the phone, he said he was tired and resting ... we said "I love you" once last time and said we'd see each other in the morning. 2 hours into Tuesday morning, his heart stopped and that was that.

In the end, we loved each other deeply and there is no one in the world that can say differently.

But having to go through the "bs" with his daughter and money she thinks she's due and attorneys has left me questioning if I was worthy of his love. Of course, when my little boat is upright in the water, I know I was. But let that little boat tip in rocky waters and I'm scrambling with my emotions.

And I was there yesterday. I cried so much, so long, so hard. I even grabbed the car keys and went for a drive and ended up wailing in the car while I was driving. Not a good thing. By the time the evening rolled around, I was ready to crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the year. And I did sleep the whole night through ... I didn't have a choice ... but I'm still dragging today ... just emotionally drained.

But I have the distraction of having work done around the house today. That helps.

But I am also facing down an anniversary ... our 30th on November 2nd. And, wouldn't you know it? It would be on a Monday (Sundays and Mondays are the worst for me ... Sunday is when I took him to the hospital; Monday was the last day I spent with him). I need to get over to an Indian Casino and make a reservation to check in for that one night. Just run away.

I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.


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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: 34 weeks and counting
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2015, 10:41:11 AM »
((((((( Robin ))))))) :love9: