Author Topic: Dealing with the first holiday season  (Read 4827 times)

Terry

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Dealing with the first holiday season
« on: September 30, 2015, 12:16:08 PM »
There are many here that are going to be facing their first holiday season without their loved one. There is help for all and please feel free to post your *own* ideas and tips from holidays past. And, if you are further along on your journey, please share what has helped you.

It's so important to remember that you are not alone. There are many who walk *with* you and are just as confused and frightened, as there is nothing more difficult than dealing with all of those *firsts* without your loved one.

If you find an article that you feel could benefit others here, please post it. If you have an idea, post it! If you're already anticipating lack of family support and are not sure how to handle this, post it here.

Remember, this is *your* grief and you own your feelings. You can participate in the holiday festivities and then you can choose not to. It is up to you.

Post any concerns here. Someone will help you. We care about each and everyone of you, very much!

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2015, 06:40:57 AM »
I would like for everyone that I see during the holidays, family & friends, to bring up Adam to me. I detest the feeling I get of "out of sight, out of mind".
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2015, 01:38:28 PM »
I would like for everyone that I see during the holidays, family & friends, to bring up Adam to me. I detest the feeling I get of "out of sight, out of mind".

Could it ever change when it comes to family or friends? I don't think so. Not with my family, anyway. Well, basically my family is gone and my sister is who I am always referring to. Her and my bil are my immediate family that is living. My bil is always boringly bringing up subjects that are totally unrelated to my children but will mention other's children. Last year at Christmas I had all of my babies pictures on the dining room table and at each place setting. Little hard to ignore them when that is done. I will continue that tradition.

I am always SO happy when they go home!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!

I detest it, too Paula. My loyalty is first and always with my children.

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2015, 07:10:13 AM »
I've heard of people doing what you did; setting the table with a place for your loved ones. I couldn't do that, it would make me feel uncomfortable. It is amazing what brings one comfort does not for another.
I was recently looking at my son's wedding album and was struck by how closely my youngest resembles my deceased son. I've seen this album before and never saw it. I felt like Adam was "coming through" to me.
I never feel that a holiday gathering is complete without Adam. There is always something missing ... and it is him.
XO
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2015, 12:10:45 PM »
I've heard of people doing what you did; setting the table with a place for your loved ones.

Hi Paula - That's not what I was referring to though I have, on occassion set a place for Jeff, especially on his birthday when I make his favorite dish. What I was referring to was the placement of the pictures which were six inches above each plate setting and around the center piece. This way when my sister and bil would sit at the table, in front of each of their plates was a picture of ALL three of my children.

I agree that what brings one comfort brings another misery. That's make makes us so unique.

Must admit, Paula that I'm growing very tired of it all and have come to realize (maybe I did a long time ago but just never accepted it) that people just don't change....even if it's to help to bring comfort to those they love. I have made many sacrifices for those I love so it hurts me that others are not able to make the same for those they claim to love.

The only constant is love. But that word means different things to different people. Real love is unconditional.

Hugs, friend :love4:

Doug1222

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2015, 09:40:50 AM »
I've heard of people doing what you did; setting the table with a place for your loved ones. I couldn't do that, it would make me feel uncomfortable. It is amazing what brings one comfort does not for another.

It really is amazing. I don't go to cemetaries. I've never been to one except for funerals. I have a sister, brother, and dad all in one right next to each other. I actually have all kinds of relatives in there.

I don't go. It brings me no comfort at all.

My sister, on the other hand, goes every chance she gets. I actually take back that I've never gone. I took her one time when she was home.

It's just not my thing. My mom hates video. Some people love watching videos of their loved ones. They find it very comforting. My mom hates it. She left a funeral (for her sister) one time because one was playing.

It is amazing how different people are.

Doug1222

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2015, 09:42:44 AM »
Real love is unconditional.

((((((((Terry)))))))

SarahW

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #7 on: October 27, 2015, 03:25:09 PM »

Haven't been here for awhile - have been so busy.  Had a two yr old boy as a foster child and wow, did that keep me moving!  Still have the teenage girls that I adopted and that is going well.  The little boy went home earlier this week and that has been challenging . . . as you can imagine, his home situation is far from ideal, so it was hard to let him go.  Also, having him around brought back many memories of Vince at that age, but that mostly felt good (bittersweet).  I was selfishly hoping to have him for the holidays.

Anyhow, just wanted to drop in and wish you all the best through the holiday season - it is especially challenging.  I know what you mean about people who don't seem to want to talk about your child.  I am lucky in that I do have family that is fine with it and that enjoys talking about Vince . . . but I also have family that seems to feel awkward and exchange glances when I mention Vince, if you know what I mean.  Maybe I am being paranoid, but I always imagine they are thinking "My God, it's been years and years, is she never going to get over it??"  Of course, the answer to that question is: "No, I never, ever, ever am, and I don't want to." But maybe I am being unfair - maybe it is just that awkwardness people have when you talk about anything that reminds them of death in general, and the death of a child in particular.


Now that the 2yr old has gone home, maybe I can pop in here more.  It's possible he will be back if his reunification doesn't work out.  He was such a cutie and I would take him back in a second. Hopefully, his parents have truly managed to get things together and keep them together - - very iffy, but I have to keep myself from hoping it DOESN'T work out.  Because that would be wrong, but . . . well, this is hard.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Terry

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Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2015, 09:28:36 AM »

Good to read a post from you, Sarah. I always love hearing from you and how your new family is doing.

Wishing you, also a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones
. :icon_flower: