Author Topic: loss brother to suicide  (Read 5077 times)

jazzgirl

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loss brother to suicide
« on: October 20, 2010, 05:23:20 AM »
Hey guys... Its been a very long time since I have been here. Jason died Jan. 1 2006. It's almost been 5 years and something triggered my memory of him lying there in the casket cold and lifeless. It has brought the memory back and I can't get the vision out of my head. I go to sleep and it's the 1st thing I see when I close my eyes. I wake up and it's the  1st thought I have. I am right back to crying consistently to where my eyes feel like they are going to fall out. He hung himself and I can still see the bruising he had around his neck in the casket. I hate that this much time has passed and I have come so far and accepted the fact that he has gone, but yet all it takes is something someone says to make me fall right back into  that darkness of tears and sadness. I miss him so much and get so mad because he took his own life and could have still been here with us if he wasn't so damned selfish. He is missing out on so much!! His boys are getting so big and they look so much like him. My sister had twins he will never be able to meet. My kids are missing him so much. They will mention him out of the blue too. They will say how much they miss him and how he was their favorite uncle. I hate that we will never be able to have cook outs together and watch our kids grow up together. Thank goodness that since time has passed, the mothers of his 2 kids are letting my parents see the boys and take them on trips to visit so we get to spend time with them. It was hell on earth when he 1st passed away. Unfortunately, the youngest boy really doesn't even know his father. He was only 1 when Jason died.  He knows who we are, but I don't think understands why we are in his life. His mother had remarried 6 months after Jason died and had another child instantly, so that is pretty much what he remembers. Now they are divorced and it's very ugly.  I cant imagine facing what she has had to face in the last 5 years. She found my brother in her back  yard. The older boy is 12 now. He was 8 when Jason died. We get to see him 1 or 2 times a year. That's not too bad. I'm thankful for whatever we get.

deebee

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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2010, 07:38:07 AM »
I feel so bad for you and your family in the loss of your brother. Your feelings of anger are totally understandable and right.  You should be mad for him being selfish taking his life, not thinking of all of you who love and miss him so much.  I'm sorry you are feeling this fresh pain, but it doesnt matter that it was 5 years ago or 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 minutes---you still lost someone you love.
My brother was killed 7 months ago, pain is still fresh and there in my face every day.  The way he was killed leads me to believe that maybe he chose to die on March 5, 2010, in the car wreck.  The crash site is not dangerous or curvy, so i'm wondering, did he choose?  I wont know, unless I talk to the other guy involved, which I have been considering.  I need answers, and may still get them.   
I'm sorry that you wont ever get answers as to why your brother did what he did.  My prayers are with you, and know you have a sounding board here at webhealing with all of us---Terry, who is really great, and all the rest of us.  Take care.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2010, 02:30:24 PM »
Hi jazzgirl,

I'm sorry that the pain has resurfaced. I understand after many years how it can all seem so new, so raw.

I am glad to hear that Grandmom is able to spend time with her Grandchildren. I hear these stories too often and it breaks my heart that the children are always the ones who suffer. I'm so sorry but it looks as if things are getting a little better for them now!

Thanks so much for telling us a little about Jason and please know you have my heart.

My love,
Terry

jazzgirl

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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2010, 03:41:17 PM »
Thank you Deebee and Terry.  I really appreciate the encouraging words. I'm so glad I came back to visit the website. It's been a couple of years since I've been on here, but this website was my lifeline when I had no one to talk to. I just want to say thank you to whoever came up with it because it is extremely helpful to those who don't have the courage or the time to go to support groups.
Jason was extremely sensitive and had an overwelming amount of stress on his shoulders when he took his own life, but I do feel in my heart that he is truly sorry for what he has done. I swear this sounds crazy, but right after his death, I felt his presence and all I could hear him saying was "I'm sorry" over an over again. I have concluded in my head that suicide is a permanent mistake and there is no clear thinking when someone decides to do it.
Deebee, I understand how you would have to get to the bottom of your brothers tragic accident. I encourage you to talk with the other ones involved so that you can have some kind of closure or put the pieces together in your head as to what happened. My brother had hung himself in his back yard for his wife to find him and his neighbors also had to be a part of that as well and I had to ask every question I could think of because I too needed answers. Something the preacher said at his funeral that I hung on to was "If God didn't want him to go, he wouldn't have taken him". At first, I was mad at God because I thought how cruel he was to take such a great Dad, Uncle, Son, Brother away, but then later came to realize he had his reasons and that I honestly think my brothers time if he were still here would have turned into a living hell for him.  Explaining all this is why I feel it is important for you to get answers so it can help you move forward.
Terry,  I can say that was truly an uphill battle that was won and I am so thankful it was a good outcome. Just goes to show there is hope!!

Terry

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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2010, 06:20:28 PM »
Thank you Deebee and Terry.  I really appreciate the encouraging words. I'm so glad I came back to visit the website. It's been a couple of years since I've been on here, but this website was my lifeline when I had no one to talk to. I just want to say thank you to whoever came up with it because it is extremely helpful to those who don't have the courage or the time to go to support groups. 

In regards to the board changes, the additional boards, Partner/Spouse Loss, Mother/Father Loss and the Suicide Board; Tom made a decision based on what the member's needs were. There were requests for these three boards and since webhealing is all about the safety and comfort of our members and their grief and healing needs/concerns, Tom added the appropriate boards.

Thank you for commenting on them! And, I am glad that these boards have been a lifeline for you, they have also been for me!

Welcome back!

Love,
Terry

jazzgirl

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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2010, 06:30:32 PM »
Thank you Tom!!

browneyedgirl

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Re: loss brother to suicide
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2010, 03:27:11 PM »
jazzgirl ~ how are you doing?
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven