Author Topic: Hitting A Wall  (Read 8866 times)

RobinBlue

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Hitting A Wall
« on: July 27, 2015, 07:31:52 PM »
Now that the celebration of life is behind me (everything went well and I know I did Tom proud), I find myself stuck in a deep, dark valley of sadness. I'm back to not sleeping; drinking a bit too much - treating myself pretty rotten. I don't want to do anything at this point except hide under the covers and never come out.

And, to top everything off, I got a love letter from the IRS on Friday - someone stole our identity and filed fraudulent returns. That "distraction" got me out of my sadness for a little while. But now that I've done all I can for now, I'm back to feeling sad.

Right now, I can't even cry.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

lynne123

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2015, 06:19:59 PM »
Robin,
I am always there for you. I know it is very very hard I am going through the same thing. We have to be strong and eventually our lives will be back to the way we both had. I Love You.
I am with you,
Love,
Lynne

funlearningmother

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2015, 08:44:48 PM »
((((Robin))))

I have been feeling very sad and am struggling to keep going as well. I am visiting my parents with my kids right now and I just want to run away and hide. I do not feel safe or relaxed here. We went to the theater and saw the movie 'inside out' and if I had been alone I would have bawled and bawled. It brought up so much emotion and so many things for me to think about.
I feel really tired and wanting to quit again. I do not feel supported by anyone right now.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

Hugs and love to you as well Lynne
« Last Edit: July 28, 2015, 08:47:55 PM by funlearningmother »

RobinBlue

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2015, 05:49:00 PM »
((((SHELBY))))

Hang in there, Sweetie. Know that you are loved and cared for ... it's just that we're so buried in our grief that it's tough for us to see or feel it. But it's around us and it's within us.

I'm still trying to drag myself out of my dark, tarry pit ... but I've had some people reach out, out of the blue, and they're helping me. Again, I'm so numb, that it's hard to feel anything but the grief ... but a hand to hold, regardless of the age, is a wonderful thing.

I too want to run away ... but I'm more of a turtle. I'll just hide in my shell until I feel I can poke my head out again.

Love and Hugs,
Robin
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

Terry

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2015, 12:37:49 PM »

Now that the celebration of life is behind me (everything went well and I know I did Tom proud), I find myself stuck in a deep, dark valley of sadness. I'm back to not sleeping; drinking a bit too much - treating myself pretty rotten. I don't want to do anything at this point except hide under the covers and never come out.

That's the classic *sugar crash*....so high, happy and full of energy until it starts to wear off (people go home, the house is empty again, etc., etc., etc.) and then the pain comes back and most times, much worse. I always remind myself that good things happen to us and for us and I used to be so happy but realistically I knew that when all of that goodness wore off, I had a price to pay. It get's better with time, though. That's something to look forward to. Promise! :icon_flower:

Regarding the IRS and the fraud - That is so scary, Robin. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It really is a different world and so much has changed, hasn't it?

Sending you hugs and love and lots of positive energy to pull you up and out of that dark place. :love9:

Love,
Terry


 

RobinBlue

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2015, 07:04:34 PM »
Thank you, Terry.

I just can't seem to get myself pulled out of this funk. Yesterday I really fell backward and over something so silly.

I woke up feeling good yesterday. I had a good night's sleep. Molly and I went for a good walk. I had breakfast and I even managed to do a couple of hours work (bookkeeping for a client). All was well until I went to do my shredding. When I first started working from home and Tom was retired, the shredding was his job - it was a job he liked to do. He was so proud to be my assistant. And we'd chatter about the day and clients and plans for later in the afternoon.

Well, that did me in. Stupid shredding. I cried so much yesterday I went through a whole box of kleenex.

And then, to top it all off, I didn't sleep last night.

But I have noticed a bit of a pattern emerging. When I've had my emotiona days and my melt downs, it's followed by not sleeping and the ability to rationalize again. I just wish I could stay more rational at this juncture.

In a couple of weeks, it will be the 6 month anniversary.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

lynne123

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2015, 07:24:57 PM »
Hi Robin,
I'm so glad that you just sent a message to Terry. I was worried about you. I called my therapist to find out to correspond with you. I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. you know I am thinking about you all the time,
Things are going to get better I promise. I just received notification that the Hacking at UCLA has affected my late husband with all of his records, social security and everything.

It is pretty awful.

Love You Lots,
I am always there for you,
Love Lynne

Terry

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2015, 08:06:38 PM »

In a couple of weeks, it will be the 6 month anniversary.


(((((Robin))))) The anticipation of these dates can be awful and also, very draining both emotionally and physically. The amount of energy that it had to take to see the event through, honoring your Tom is the same amount of energy that is presently absent in your life and I believe the reason you're feeling so exhausted...so out of it.

I have often shared that any event, regardless of how many people are involved and helping can be very draining early in grief. The reason we tread so lightly in these early months.

Please take special care of your heart. It needs lots of rest right now. And, do something nice just for you. Go shopping, window or wallet. Buy yourself something you've wanted...that book, that dress or just go have a mani pedi. A massage would be very relaxing, too. Something special, Robin.  :love9:

I'm glad you have Molly there with you. I know she is a comfort.

Love & Hugs,
Terry

funlearningmother

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2015, 09:03:37 PM »
(((Robin)))

I understand totally! When Riki died I was living with him and his dad. I had planned on moving there and made my home with them until we would be able to get our own place. I had let my place to live in Canada go and put all my stuff in storage. Riki had never been to my place and I had not one single memory of him in Canada. When I left Upstate NY, 5 months after he died, to go see my kids I had nothing with me but stuff I could carry in 5 bags. I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks in Saskatoon and made plans. When they dropped me off to live in Calgary that was all I had. I had a friend that was willing to hold some of my bags and I kept the very basics and a few memories with me. I lived at a drop in (homeless) center for 10 days before I got into a shelter. I was in the women's shelter for 6 months before I got into a single room apartment and now I am in a 2 bedroom looking into a 3 bedroom or a small house. My point in all this is that I had nothing of Riki with me but a few small things that I could carry and I was still reminded of him everywhere I went. I went swimming with my kids at the pool which could make waves and was reminded of him because he loved the lake and nature and we had spent a whole 10 months at his dad's cabin. I would be walking in the city and the way the light hit the tree or the way something smelled or moved reminded me of him. I was shocked at how much I was reminded of him and I had nothing of him or memories of him in Canada to do that. It was all in the memories. I still get reminders but not as frequently as I used to.
It has taken time and in learning to take care of myself without him helps it to not hurt as much as it used to. I am starting to remember other things more because it doesn't hurt as much and I am able to allow them in and feel that it's safe for me to do that without breaking into pieces.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

arthur

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2015, 09:38:49 PM »
Hi Robin..I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died in 04142011. I read your post about your melt down and my first reaction, having some experience
with grief was one of relief.  it is totally normal to have days like this especially in the face of unanticipated events while going through the initial grieving time and those dreaded anniversary dates. While the grieving my seem awful..and it is...what's worse is holding it in or not being able to express your grief.  Unexpressed grief is a timebomb waiting to go off in a person's life...it can hurt you in many ways.  So keep those tears flowing and buy those tissues in bulk!!  When I start to wonder why I reacted strangely to something in my life I have found it was because I hadn't allowed myself to get that grief out somehow. So I play sad music and let the grief and the memories roll on out.   Get lots of rest and make as few changes as possible in the short term in your life to give yourself space to heal from the awful loss of your husband.
Hang in there!
Arthur


RobinBlue

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2015, 04:37:34 PM »
Hello everyone,

The last few days have been rough. It was 6 months ago today that Tom spent his last moments here at home before I had to take him to the hospital where he passed away 32 hours later.

How does one stop the mind from tormenting itself? I'm ripping things apart, looking for answers that I'll never have. But the mind won't rest without the answers. Sleep is almost nil ... it's actually a bit worse than it was when he first passed.

I try to focus on the important things and the hidden blessings. But in the middle of the night, the mind wants to go where it wants to go. And it won't shut off. Even when I try to watch movies or read ... in the back of my mind, the thoughts linger until they can take control.

Methinks I may need to seek professional help.

I can hear Tom's voice, gentle and loving in the back of my mind, telling me to relax and just settle in and that everything will be fine. But the darned heart still wants what it wants.

Thanks for listening.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

Terry

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2015, 06:06:30 PM »

((((((Robin))))))

How true that the heart wants what it wants. There is no in-between when it comes to love and loss. And there is nothing more difficult in our lifetime than having to learn to cope with the stinging finality that death brings.

Everything that you've shared here is normal, Robin. Asking questions that we know there are no answers to - those whys. And six months is not a long time after a great loss. The shock is starting to wear off and the pain is creeping in. The shock is a blessing, for as long as it lasts because it really does protect us in so many ways but that, too must end.

Anyone that claims dealing with death, life's greatest challenge is anything but difficult is fooling themselves and anyone listening to them. Because if we loved, we're going to feel pain.

Please try to be ever so gentle with you, with your heart. Losing someone we love is not like healing from a sickness where we know, for sure we're going to be 100% again. I think it's like a new normal, a different life and I've found that more coping skills are gradually adopted along the way to ease our pain and to bring us hope.

Methinks Robin is doing OK. It's painful to say good-bye. It's painful to not have that person that died physically in our lives any longer.

Hold on to HOPE. Hold on for a brighter tomorrow. Hold on to keeping your heart open to whatever comes your way. It get's better, Robin but it's not going to happen overnight. Remember that the pain is the price of loving so deeply. I wouldn't expect having any feelings other than the ones I have when I have to say good-bye. And, I've said it SO many times.

Sending my love and lots of hugs your way. :love9:

funlearningmother

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2015, 10:11:53 PM »
((((Robin))))

Terry said a lot of good stuff and thoughts. I always have done a lot of what if's when something hugely emotional happens in my life. After Riki died I did a lot of the what if's, I even went as far as calling the hospital, days after he died and asked them about if I had called the ambulance sooner if that would have changed things for Riki's chances at living. They said it wouldn't have made a difference and I am still tormented by the amount of time I gave the Dr, I didn't/don't remember when the accident happened. Time got warped for me and I was shocked at how much time went by when it felt so much shorter from when he first crashed. At the same time parts of it felt so much longer. The best way that I let that go is to realize that I did the best I could at that time with what I had available to me. I also wonder if he had lived if he just would have been a vegetable. He was so badly hurt. I try to find the positive. I do understand what you mean about it being in your mind all the time, it just doesn't want to leave. I just try not to think about it. I am finding that as I work on facing myself, my fears and feelings of worthlessness, that I do not feel them so strongly and I feel more accepting of my past and all that has happened.

Hugs and love, Shelby

lynne123

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Re: Hitting A Wall
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2015, 11:45:33 AM »
Hi Robin,
Have not heard from you, hopefully you are doing ok, I am just at recovery mode, I had a terrible thing happen last week. I became so confused, did not know where I was, thought y mom had died and basically did not know what was going on?  It was the worst event of confusion I had, pretty frighteing.  I have been speaking with my therapist  I am doing ok but still cannot figure out why why this happened. I left a message for my doctor of 29 years this am and am waiting for a call back.  miss hnearing from you,
Take Care,
Love You,
Lynne