(((Robin)))

[Terry]

In less than 5 months, the well wishers have disappeared. I am feeling unloved; unappreciated; un-cared for; lonely; scared; depressed; empty
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I've worked with a CPA firm for 20 years. And one of the things I've picked up on over the years - widows and widowers should wait at least a year before making any life-altering decisions. 7.5 months (for me) seems ages away.

 

(This quote is from your response to Lynne in the thread "emptiness")

Robin,

I can surely relate to those well wishers disappearing, one by one. It's hurtful, I agree. I call it the honeymoon period and it certainly does end abruptly. (Fortunately, not all honeymoons end the same way)

Good advice, too when we've experienced a great loss waiting at least a year before making any major decisions. I'm glad you mentioned that.

You're loved here on Webhealing and you're cared for, too. I hope this week has been kinder to you.

Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I was thinking of you.

Sending hugs (((((((Robin)))))))

Love,
Terry

[RobinBlue]

Hi Terry,

I wish I could say that the week has been kinder but it really hasn't. It's been stressful trying to pull this "Celebration" together for the 18th. It was supposed to be something simple. Pizza, beer and chocolate cake - Tom's three favorite foods. It has now grown into a party of 30, pot luck, BYOB - break out the music.

And then someone told me I should have a collage poster made up of Tom. Fine. "I'll" do that on top of everything else (the cleaning, the organizing, the invitations). His sister back in Massachusetts sent me pictures that I could use - she sent them out over a week ago and I was afraid they were lost. I actually asked her to scan them and hold on to the originals but she mailed the originals and I was ready to cry over that because no one was listening to me. Well, the pictures got here and I tried putting together a photo collage poster through Walmart but when I clicked the button, the project wasn't going to be ready until AFTER the celebration - and that was with rush service and picking it up at the store. I was devastated. I just wanted to do one thing nice to honor Tom. Then a friend suggested Snapfish. With Snapfish you have the option of picking up the poster at Walgreens or Walmart so I thought I was doomed. I got the collage all put together yesterday, pushed the button and was told I could pick the poster up after 1:30 today. And, lo and behold, something went right! The poster is wonderful. And, of course, I cried.

I have cried so much this week, I am totally wiped out and back to being unable to sleep.

And on this Celebration. I had a bunch of people tell me I didn't need to lift a finger. Then I ended up being pushed into offering hamburgers (fortunately my neighbor volunteered to do that). And now, even though it's BYOB, it's being insisted that I supply the beer because "that's what Tom would do".

I was so fed up I almost canceled it. And, Terry, to be very truthful, I can hear Tom's voice in the back of my head. He wouldn't want me stressing out over this. He wouldn't want this to be a big production. Pizza, Beer and chocolate cake. Simple. He would be upset that his friends left me out to dry on the 4th of July and he would be upset that 100% of the burden of pulling this Celebration together is on my shoulders and I'm expected to play hostess, too. He would just pull the plug.

And then 3 of my 7 new rose bushes are dying and i had to run around town today looking for shock treatment.

My head is about to explode from all the emotions and the lack of sleep.

But thank you for letting me vent. And I know I'm loved on here. Between this forum and my little dog, Molly, I think I'm going to be okay. Can't wait for yoga on Monday.

Love and Hugs,
Robin

[Terry]

Aww...you've really had your hands full. Too full and believe me when I say that Tom is watching! He's always with you. Remember that when you want to just run away from that mess as fast as you can. (And I know that feeling, too)

Please try to get some sleep or just rest when you can. Others just don't realize, Robin how stressful every little thing is when we're grieving. That mole hill is a mountain that casts a shadow, at times. I would never take on such a task....you're a stronger woman than I am!

I love my Yoga, too. Just a few more days!!

Give Molly a scratch behind the ears from me and a kiss on her nose! (I'd be lost without my babies)

Hugs,
Terry

[funlearningmother]

(((Robin)))

You are a stronger woman then I would have been in that situation. It probably would have taken me until after the event to understand what it is that I would have needed to do and not all that work. You are amazing! I am glad that the poster went well for you. It will be nice to have that as a momento. I have found that when you can let go of the concerns over what will happen things tend to go a lot smother.
People will do what they think is best. Try not to let them run all over you. I know it's not easy to say no. It took me 20 years to learn how to do that and with a death on top of it it saps your strength. I was numb and that's how I dealt with stuff to make it through. I cried when no one else was around. If you can stick to the plan of BYOB, do it, it sounds to me like they just want a free ride. It's nice of your neighbor to help out. They see how you are really doing and all the work you put into things, I am guessing, or maybe it's just they understand better.
Listen to Tom's voice, that voice is right. maybe say something to his friends if you feel you can handle it. It doesn't have to be to them all but some and maybe they just don't understand and so haven't thought of all they are putting you through by asking you to do all that stuff. People can be really thoughtless sometimes. It doesn't mean they don't care it just means they haven't thought it through or from your point of view. I hope that the party goes well for you and that it's not too overwhelming. Another thought is if it's at your place, use disposable dishes so you have less to clean up. Ask for other's to help clean up after.

I hope you had fun with Yoga today. Have a nap if you can and give yourself a break.
Big Hugs and love from Shelby

[RobinBlue]

Hi Terry And Shelby,

Well, today was a complete turn around. Things started falling into place and I'm almost done with the set-up for the party.

I bypassed my precious yoga today in order to clean the deck and get it set up before it got too hot out. Now I can look out my kitchen window and smile and know that's one big task marked off my list.

And my Marine's voice was loud and clear today - his attitude of "if they don't like it, then can leave". Except he would have used a bit more colorful language than that. But you get my drift.

And, you know? I found myself using his "colorful language" and that attitude today ... and it was liberating as things came together. Granted, it's not something I want to make a permanent habit of ... I guess I just needed a dose of his moxie today. And it was the shot in the arm I needed.

Just hope the feeling holds on through Saturday.

It also helped with the realizing and accepting that, for the most part, after Saturday, I will never see these people again. They weren't around for the 4th of July. It's not like they're calling. In fact, half the guest list - I haven't heard from those people since Tom originally passed away.

But I want to do my part. I want to honor Tom the best way I know how - that's with his friends around with food and drink and music. I just had to shift my thoughts - this party isn't for these people ... it's for Tom - he's just elsewhere at the moment.

One of my girlfriends came up with a lovely idea. Writing messages to Tom on balloons and releasing them into the sky. I loved the idea and I know Tom would appreciate the gesture. My girlfriend is going to take care of all the details.

Peaks and Valleys. Today it felt like I was inching my way up the mountain. Nowhere near the top, but at least I'm not as low as I was.

Love you!!!!

[funlearningmother]

Robin

Sounds great to hear you feeling some strength. It is too bad you had top skip Yoga and I understand. If you can maybe do some on your own in the next couple of days it might help. I know what it can be like to miss a regular routine. It may feel good temporarily and later I miss it. The balloons are a wonderful idea! I forgot to do it but I was going to put intentions and or forgiveness words under the plants when I planted them.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

[funlearningmother]

(((( Robin))))

I hope that things went well for you with your Celebration. That you had help cleaning up and that the memories of Tom were happy. I will be going to see my parents on Wednesday so I might not be on for a couple of weeks. I have a couple of appointments coming up and have to pack before I go. Not looking forward to it. I love traveling and visiting my parents is two-sided. I love them and they are very supportive. They also get under my skin. I have grown a lot in the last 6-7 months and I am not sure what that will do. Last summer when we visited them I had a major fight with my mom and yelled at her in front of pretty much everyone. I still have my issues with them. I changed the week of the visit and I made the visit shorter this time. Some of the issues have come up because of the way I raise my kids. I am hoping to forestall and major problems by cutting out the expectations, lol. Expectations always make things uncomfortable at some point.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

[RobinBlue]

(((Shelby)))

I hope your visit to your parents' is good. And, I agree, expectations tend to add undo stress to almost every situation. That's why I beg my friends to not expect anything from me and for the mere fact that I'm doing the best I can and just can't do more than that.

The Celebration was a complete success. From Massachusetts (where his family is) to California (where I and our friends are) to Wyoming (where his daughter and granddaughter live) to Texas (where we have friends/family) - we all celebrated a warm, loving, kind-hearted man all at the same time.

He loved rain and if it was mixed with thunder and lightning, all the better. Well, we had simultaneous rain in Massachusetts and California, complete with thunder and lightning. At least we had the shelter of a covered porch so we could be out in the elements and not get wet and eat and drink - just the way Tom would have wanted it.

Clean-up was pretty easy to take care of. The bulk was done right after the party. Then yesterday and today, I've spent a little bit of time just putting things back in order ... and starting over.

I severed toxic relationships yesterday - now that the celebration is behind me, I have no further obligation to certain people - people that I've had to "tolerate" because Tom felt something for them. I am no longer bound by that.

Today I went for my first walk since Friday. Then I went to yoga. And now I'm just going to relax. Maybe cry a little.

But I know I did a good job, I honored Tom the best way I could and I know he's proud of what I did.

Talk to you in a couple of weeks.

Love,
Robin

[Terry]

(((Shelby)))

The Celebration was a complete success. From Massachusetts (where his family is) to California (where I and our friends are) to Wyoming (where his daughter and granddaughter live) to Texas (where we have friends/family) - we all celebrated a warm, loving, kind-hearted man all at the same time.

Robin, I'm so glad to learn that your day turned out to be just as you planned! Fantastic!

And, I can only imagine how relieved you feel and what a weight that's been lifted as you bid farewell to those who just don't matter. Good for you!!!

I know Tom was watching. He was smiling. He was proud. And, he was grateful for all you did to honor him. Awesome!

Hugs

[Terry]

I will be going to see my parents on Wednesday so I might not be on for a couple of weeks. I have a couple of appointments coming up and have to pack before I go. Not looking forward to it. I love traveling and visiting my parents is two-sided. I love them and they are very supportive. They also get under my skin.

Shelby, I hope you enjoy the time you spend with your parents. I think family always get's under our skin. I don't think it can be helped!

Look forward to hearing all about it. And, remember, too that if you need a break while you're there, go find a computer (smart phone/tablet) and come by for some support. We're here for you!

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of positive energy your way!

Hugs

[funlearningmother]

Robin

That is wonderful to hear! It must bring you some peace to have things go so well and to let go of some toxic people.

I may be on sooner then I thought in the next couple weeks just for relief.

Hugs and love,
Shelby