Author Topic: New here and in great pain  (Read 3587 times)

MorningGlory

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New here and in great pain
« on: July 13, 2015, 01:39:59 AM »
Hello, I'm brand new here.  And not very internet savvy.

My husband passed in the middle of March.   I spent the first months in a state of disbelief and numbness.  Now at 4 months, I find myself in great pain and loneliness.  He died suddenly, at age 50. 

I am trying to keep existing and breathing.

I have very few friends, only one true friend.   We had no children.   He was my whole life.  I relied upon him for most everything.

I tonight find myself in pain more than I thought could exist.   I know no tangible reason to go on.   Other than that is what I must do.   I imagine realistically that we all have different spiritual beliefs.

I personally do believe in God and believe that "he" wants me to live on for some purpose.   I do not know this purpose.

The pain and emptiness sometimes seem that they will swallow me up. 

I have reached out a little to old friends and have managed to leave my house about once a week.

This was so supposed to NOT happen.   As I'm sure you all feel.  So many plans and happy times that will never happen.

Anyone with words of experience and encouragement are appreciated. 

My soul is shattered.  I live in a small town with no support groups that I have been able to find.

Thank you for reading my pathetic rant.

Terry

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2015, 04:14:39 AM »

(((((MorningGlory)))))

I'm sorry to learn of the recent death of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing. Post as often as you feel the need as this is a safe place to vent all of your feelings.

Take care of yourself by eating healthy snacks/meals, resting and sleeping, drinking plenty of water and walking or other exercise. Our immune system takes a beating when we're grieving and we can become very sick.

Tell us more about your husband when you feel up to it. Someone is always listening. And, remember too that you're not alone. We're always here for you.

With love, :love9:
Terry

RobinBlue

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2015, 06:23:52 AM »
Hi MorningGlory,

My heart goes out to you for your loss.

Be gentle with yourself right now. I am in a similar position (it's been 5 months since I lost Tom and it came on suddenly as well). My shock is starting to wear off and the pain is excruciating. I'm finding myself going through extreme peaks and valleys. Right now, I'm forging my way through a deep and dark valley.

Within the first week, I started walking with my dog (Molly) almost every day. It helps to get out of the house and change the perspective. The walks last between 30 minutes to an hour.

We also didn't have children together (although he had two from a previous marriage - and they basically wrote him off). My support network is pretty much non-existant. So I am facing the loss of a good man and a good 29-year marriage.

One thing I did, so I could give myself that much-needed "pat on the back" was set a goal for each day - whether it was making a phone call or going to the grocery store or run an errand or just get out of bed and wash dishes. I just had to accomplish at least one thing a day. Then, at the end of the day, when I'm drying my tears, I can say "well, at least I got that done" and it helps with my mood.

I am finding that, for the most part, there is no rush to do anything at this point. I went into near-retirement the morning Tom passed (right now I am on an extended leave of absence until I can make the decision on what to do there - I work from home as a bookkeeper for a very busy CPA firm ... but I'm an independent contractor so I can call my own shots ... right now I might work about 8 hours a month which is all my little brain can handle right now - I can't focus on anything to save my life right now).

That leaves me to fill in two gaps - Tom and work. Right now, I have a yoga class I take on Mondays. And I'm still trying to find what I want to do with the other 6 days of the week.

The people on this forum are good with big hearts. You can rant, cry, vent at any hour of the day.  It helps to get things off your chest (especially if you feel you might become a burden to those around you) ... and then someone will come along reply and offer their insight.

Take special care, MorningGlory, and know that you're not alone here.

Love and hugs,
Robin
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

funlearningmother

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2015, 01:30:29 PM »
(((Morningglory)))

Terry and Robin pretty much said it all. We are here for you. If you need anything please say so. Also please do not feel you are a burden here. We have all lost someone we love and understand better then others what you are going through. Even the things you may think mean nothing to us are very ok to share on here. It was my boyfriend that died and I have 3 kids and they do not understand my loss in the same way because they never knew my boyfriend very well. Plus my oldest was mad at Riki because he felt that I was taken away from him by Riki.

Take good care of yourself and rest when you can. Sleep is important as you grieve and know that your husband is always with you. He will give you little signs.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

MorningGlory

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2015, 05:14:33 PM »
Thank you to everyone who replied!  It is helpful to be able to "talk" to people who "get it".  Tonight I don't feel as much pain as last night.  Thank God for a slight reprieve.  I think I'm also in the hills and valleys stage.  Sat. night I managed to go out to a casual friend's for a couple of hours and it was an okay time.  Then last night was just horrible.  Tonight my good friend called, and she was a good listener. 

I have a question about crying.  Since the first few weeks after my husband passed, I rarely cry.  Basically I do whatever it takes not to.  I am around my parents quite a bit and I guess I don't want to sob in front of them.   I try not to cry on the phone with my friend.  I imagine she doesn't want to hear it and that it makes people uncomfortable.  When I do start to cry, I only let myself do so for a few minutes, then I use inner strength and will power to stop.  I'm wondering if I'm hurting myself.  I am exhausted all the time, even if I do get sleep.  Sometimes the pain feels bigger than tears.  Actually most of the time this loss feels way bigger than tears.   Almost sometimes like I can't cry.  If any of this makes any sense.   Asking for any thoughts, opinions on the crying situation.  Thanks!

RobinBlue

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2015, 06:50:14 PM »
Hi MorningGlory,

You know, we all process our grief differently. And then I think it depends on who we're grieving over. When my parents passed, I didn't cry one tenth the amount of tears I'm crying (notice I used that at present tense) over Tom.

Tomorrow it will be 21 weeks since Tom passed. And I think, throughout all this, I went three days without crying. And I thought I was doing good after that because then I went into a weepy stage. But as I've been pulling together his Celebration of Life, I am back to wailing and screaming in my pillow (I live alone with my dog ... and by now, she's used to it - she sleeps right through it).

From what I gather, there are two different schools on crying - the "be strong and keep a stiff upper lip" crowd and the "let her rip" crowd.

I'm from the "let her rip" crowd. If I start feeling that pressure building in my chest, I just go and let it out. The other day, I had three crying jags in one day. Then I had a warm bath and I slept that night. I just know that, for me anyway, it doesn't work nor help to keep it all in. It's best for me to release the pressure valve often ... otherwise I'll have a melt down and that's not good. Plus I find, for me, if I bury my feelings, they'll only resurface at another time. So I'm hoping that by releasing my emotions now, I'll keep the grieving process on track and heal.

But I read somewhere, since we do cry a lot, we need to make sure to replenish - drink lots of water.

I think I'll be content if I can get to the "weepy" stage.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Robin
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

funlearningmother

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2015, 10:43:16 PM »
((((morning glory))))

The way you describe your crying sounds a lot like how I have handled my crying. Stopping yourself from crying means that you let out more later. Yes I understand not being able to cry, it's taken me many years to learn how to cry when I need to and to know that it's ok. I am not a big baby, I am a feeling human being with a lot of tears that I held in over the years. My suggestion I have learned for myself is to try to find some time for yourself early evening, pick a sad movie or show and make sure no one else is around and just bawl your eyes out. Don't think or let the voices in that tell you to be strong. Part of strength is allowing yourself to grieve your loss. It is not just the loss of your husband it's the loss of a lifestyle and dreams for the future. Crying is very good for you and important. It has taken me many years to learn that and I have and I cry, more then I ever did and not all are about the loss of Riki. I am even learning to cry happy tears.

Maybe your parents need to see you cry to know that you are handling things ok. I don't know if they understand that or not. Maybe talk to them about that you are having a hard time crying. Maybe they are more understanding then you think. Haven't they lost friends or family close to them. I don't know what your family is like. My dad I have never seen cry and my mom said she hasn't seen him either. He refuses to cry in front of anyone. I don't know if he cries on his own.
I hope some of this helps.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

MyLou

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2015, 02:21:52 AM »
(((((((((((((( Morning ))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss.  Everyone pretty much said it all.  We all do grieve differently.  I couldn't hold my tears back I tried but there was noway I could.  The pain and the tears just took over. I have a lot of friends that didn't understand but they listened to me talk and cry. I wanted to just die my heart and soul was tore into a million pieces. I knew I had to find people who understood my loss.  This is the first sit I found and it's amazing.

I would come home from work and just go to bed and lay, praying to God to send Lou back and crying the pain was so bad. It was so dark those days

As time passes you will see light I can't say when because we are all different but you will. This is a hard journey but we are here for you.

I would journal my feelings, write poems. I still do but not as often. I talk to My Lou everyday.  I know he is with me and I still get signs. 

It's been 4 years and 7 months since I loss My Lou.

Your husband is with you.

Please rest and try to eat and drink water. 

Always,

Lisa Marie

Sending hugs and love
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

Terry

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2015, 01:34:29 PM »
(((((MorningGlory)))))

Thinking of you and hope you're doing OK....as can be expected. Post when you get a chance.

Hugs
:love9:

Terry

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2015, 05:54:09 PM »

(((((((MorningGlory))))))

Thinking of you.

Sending hugs & love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: New here and in great pain
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2015, 05:15:30 PM »
Hi santiken - I'm sorry to read of the recent death of your precious Beej. Welcome to Webhealing where we all understand the pain from a great loss.

Exercise and being outdoors is excellent and as the time goes on will be even more important to your well being. Grieving takes so much out of us and creates havoc with our immune systems. Know that we're here to listen and we understand.

Love,
Terry