Author Topic: fresh grief  (Read 4133 times)

funlearningmother

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fresh grief
« on: July 20, 2015, 10:14:25 PM »
I was on another site and was reminded of Riki and I just can't stop crying or walking around with a lump in my throat. It feels like I just lost him all over again. Not only that but I am getting reminders of when My ex took the kids away from me and that was just as big of a loss as losing Riki. I know they didn't die but it sure the heck felt like they did. I was their full time parent and because of choices I made and lies others told the kids and I lost out. I am no angel and I know the choices that I made didn't help things. I am having trouble with all of it. How do I forgive myself and my part in the issues and how do I forgive the other people involved Riki included. I thought that I was working past this. I have been learning to accept that things go the way they go to help us learn lessons and grow stronger and I know I am stronger then I was. A LOT stronger and I still struggle with so much...

I am worn out so the rant ends here.
Shelby

P.S. I hope everyone else is doing well and I would love to hear how things are going.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2015, 10:21:02 PM by funlearningmother »

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: fresh grief
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2015, 08:21:09 PM »
(((((((Shelby))))))) :love9:

funlearningmother

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Re: fresh grief
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2015, 08:57:00 PM »
Thank you Terry

I am struggling being out of my comfort zone and not being in a safe place. I am also struggling with the growth I have made and that my boyfriend hasn't. I think I am going to break up with him and there has been only one other time I have had to do that. With my kids dad. I am scared and lonely and do not want to hurt him and it's another loss. I am pretty sure it will be better for me in the long run and I don't like it. I know that I have my angels watching out for me and I don't feel like it.
I watched a sad movie today and that didn't help the feelings. I just want to bawl and bawl and I have no place to do that here.
 
Hugs and love and thanks,
Shelby

funlearningmother

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Re: fresh grief
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2015, 09:55:02 PM »
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. I know it's the right thing for me to do and I am a little surprised at how much I hurt over it. I didn't think it would be this bad because it has been heading this way for awhile. So here I am grieving again...

Shelby

RobinBlue

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Re: fresh grief
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2015, 11:41:28 AM »
((((Shelby))))

Love and hugs and tons of strength going your way.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

funlearningmother

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Re: fresh grief
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2015, 09:18:55 AM »
((((Robin))))

Thank you so much. I have just figured out a reason why I feel so sad over letting go of Eric.

Since January I have been working on loving myself, eventually I figured out that my fears are what is holding me back from life and loving myself and being happy. So I have been working on letting go of my fears in the last few months.
I have let go of a lot to do with my Ex. I have been struggling with getting out of the house, my physical state causes me problems as well as emotional. The idea of looking for a job has me so freaked out I just refuse to attempt it. When I broke up with Eric on Thursday I spent half my time crying about it and hurting.
Last night I was texting with a friend about him and that is when I worked out that what is causing me such pain is the same intention I set to clear on the first day of the blue moon. I set the intention to let go of the fear that I am not good enough.
That belief is causing me a lot of pain and trouble.
That belief is why I am scared of what my ex will do about custody (that he will use my past against me), that belief is why I struggle to let go of my past, why I feel disappointment, betrayal of myself. Also letting go of Eric I feel I am not good enough if I let go because it means I failed another relationship. Wow. There are probably more reasons how that belief is affecting my life that I am not aware of yet.
I will be working on facing that fear with plenty of help. I do EMDR which really helps clear the cell memories. I am getting Reiki today and... I have realized where that all comes from.
I visited my parents for a week and a half and I only let my guard down at night when I was in bed or if I went to the park alone which none of that was ever enough to allow me to recover. I don't feel safe with my parents because, in the past, growing up, I would share something with my mom and she would always find something wrong with it. So now I have to be on guard to watch what I share with her and my expectations of her answers.
I also have realized that I think I am sometimes doing that to my own kids. Whether they handle it the same way as me or not I don't know.

I feel better having seen all that and being aware of it now makes it something that I can work on. I love how when I set the intention I didn't realize just how many areas it was affecting my life and how I was so quickly able to see it after I set the intention. within a week.

Hugs and love to you. I hope you are doing well Robin.
Shelby