Shelby,
itīs hurting and this is grieving site.
Please,delete it!
Janka
Janka
You asked me to delete what I said. I did that for you and I did it without really thinking about it. I have a habit of just doing as I am told when people are angry and tell me what to do. I looked at what I wrote again. I do not feel that there was anything in there that you had the right to tell me to delete it. It was not rude or disrespectful or hurtful. It was just honest and you didn't like that. You didn't even talk to me about what hurt you in it. I have been hurt by what people have said on here and it doesn't have to do with what they said, so much as that it brought up a memory or an idea that was really painful. Instead of telling them to delete it I talked to them about it and shared how it hurt inside and why I didn't like their post.
There is only one thing in my post that may have offended you in it that I can think of and that is this sentence: "I think the lessons you are learning now will help you in your future growth."
I wrote that thinking of how I feel missing Riki and that there has to be a reason for his death. I can do nothing about the fact that he died and can not come back. I need to look at the positive or I will drown in the negative and die too. I know that this post will make you angry again and that I might lose your friendship for good. I am sorry that you felt so hurt by what I said. It was never intended that way.
I am going to repost what I said because it's part of me and who I am, and how I have grown.
Repost from yesterday:
I know you are hurting so badly right now. I think even more then me. I have learned better how to live for myself although that is still a struggle. I will always love and miss Riki and I know you will miss Jan. I think the lessons you are learning now will help you in your future growth. I know that is not much help now for the pain you feel and you may feel angry at me for those words. I have always had a hard time hearing that kind of thing from people especially people who liked to give advice when they thought they knew better and yet didn't really understand. I love you and I do understand. I understand the pain I went through and the growth I have made and it has helped me. It has not been easy to face myself and that is what I needed to do.
I have an ache in my heart and am still working on finding a way to change that to happiness that I had the chance to know him and love him the way I did. To enjoy the things we did together, not having him beside me now and feel happy would be a gift of joy for me. I do things and see things we saw and did and I just feel sad. I want to enjoy them again because they always made me happy and right now my life is just filled with sadness when I try to enjoy doing those things.
I have had a few drinks today. Not a great thing to do I don't think. I just did it and didn't really think about it. I don't want to feel sad right now.
Shelby