Author Topic: how is everyone?  (Read 4399 times)

Terry

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how is everyone?
« on: March 26, 2015, 08:51:11 AM »
How is everyone doing? Please check in when you find the time and update us. Thanks! :icon_flower:

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2015, 09:49:55 AM »
Hi Terry,
Thanks for checking in. Craig & I purchased a 2nd home in Fla. It's a true escape for us, not only from the cold North winters but away from all the reminders and issues that are still ongoing.
Matt & his family are doing well in DC. Their darling lil girl will turn one in 2 months. Kaiti is in a prison drug treatment program and is due for release in 2 months. Josh & his sweet gf are now living together and both are working & happy.
Craig has very serious health issues that I am unsure if they are resolvable. I am in a holding pattern. I didn't resume school, knitting or my music lessons. Been keeping busy with decorating the new house however there is a lot of down time and I am not filling it very productively. Been in touch with the psychiatrist, adjusting meds. As it gets closer to K's discharge I get anxious and fear the next downfall. AND..I do know that worrying over future events or staying in the past is pointless so go figure.
We've had some visitors to our new home and that has been fun as we miss everyone. Tonight another guest arrives.
I am just not happy. I have moments of happiness. I am extremely grateful for all that I have. Yet, the 2 things that I cannot have derails me. Adam & a promise of a good life for Kate.
Last July, Craig's youngest sister tragically lost her son in a freak accident. That loss, so unexpected, seeing their grief added another layer of sadness to my broken heart. A few months later a friend's son suddenly died. Seeing all these fresh broken hearts wounded mine with the knowledge of how life will never be the same for them again.
It is so scary to live in our world. It's hard, when you know what we know, to just plod along, doing everything good and right and then to have these tragedies befall us. It's hard to maintain a positive outlook and keep hopeful and yet without those feelings of positivity and hope I would find it hard to go on.
I mourn the loss of just feeling happy, carefree and unburdened by such sadness in my life. For years, I was still seeking that however, I now know that can never be a part of who I am any longer. I am enriched by knowledge and stronger that I was before all of this and yet I would give it up in a nano moment and the strength came by the way of utter depletion.
It's an awkward life for sure being the bereaved parent. You can be happy but always sad. You can be strong and yet always feel ready to crumble.
One of the recent things that I am feeling that I am not comfortable with is the passage of time. I feel very distant from Adam. I mourn him, long for him however it is becoming very apparent that a great deal of time is passing since he was last alive. I dislike that time passage.
Adam's gf married and I wonder if anyone of his contemporaries still think of him. Do they remember him with fondness or just his downfall?
Not too long ago, I was sitting in my living room chair, alone late at night, watching TV in the dark when a powerful smell of cigarette smoke came to me. Both my deceased parents smoked and so did Adam. I knew that someone was visiting me, just didn't know whom. Those signs, however infrequent, reminds me that there is another dimension that resides alongside of us and that their love can move great obstacles to get a message to us. It's not the fear that I won't be with my loved ones, it's just the longing for Adam and my other departed loved ones that makes me feel so unhappy.
I think that it would help a great deal if Kaiti could turn her life around. It would ease a great block of cement that rests on my heart.
I also live in a fear that something will befall my other children. My intellect knows where this all comes from, my brain chemistry is being helped out with meds, therapy has been a part of my life for years. It's scary to think what I would truly be feeling without all of these interventions. It's a strong word, but I hate that these thoughts creep into my head. And I realize that they are thoughts, not not actions, not real events, but they sneak into my brain and heart. It's a constant battle and I'm drained & tired by it all.
Oh boy, am I a Debbie Downer or what today? :(
You asked a simple check-in question Terry and I let loose. Not a good example for the poor newbies that are here.
Love,
Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2015, 10:40:31 AM »
Hi Paula,

So nice to hear from you and thanks for sharing what's been going on with you and yours. Glad to hear that Matt is doing well and your precious grandchild is a gift to you and Craig, for sure.

I understand the *holding pattern* you mentioned as I'm there every so often. I can definitely relate. And, with Kate it's one day at a time and we just hope for the best for her....always. She always in my thoughts and prayers.

I have those same feelings regarding Jeff and how his ex is getting along though she still plans events on his dates, which her new husband does not like. You can't please half the people half the time, right? She even had her C section the day before Jeff's birthday (instead of on the day her doc suggested and her husband planned on) because she didn't want to share that date with her new baby.

I understand, also your feeling stress and fear when it comes to another tragedy. I think we all do, especially when there are problems. We're human and that's what we do. Just remember to breathe and take time for yourself to relax.


Oh boy, am I a Debbie Downer or what today? :(
You asked a simple check-in question Terry and I let loose. Not a good example for the poor newbies that are here.


You're not a downer at all. You always set a very good example and that's one of courage. Our new Moms should be inspired by your openness and strength in sharing. I always appreciate it, Paula. Because we *can't heal until we deal.*

Thanks again for checking in.

Sending you my love and many, many hugs....I hope you can feel them. :love9: :love9:

(((((((((Paula)))))))))

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2015, 04:27:17 PM »
XO ((Hugs)) XO
Terry-you are the best!
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2015, 07:55:27 PM »
  CANDI will be gone 10 yrs. MAY 13TH..... SO IT'S been feeling like i'm having panic attacks... at time's it seems like it's been forever & then again it feels like yesterday...  JOSH was 7 when his mom was killed & now he's 17.. I think about all the thing's CANDI'S was robbed of & JOSH  was robbed of his mom.. my mind doesn't slow down.. 

Terry

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2015, 09:44:21 AM »

 CANDI will be gone 10 yrs. MAY 13TH..... SO IT'S been feeling like i'm having panic attacks... at time's it seems like it's been forever & then again it feels like yesterday...  JOSH was 7 when his mom was killed & now he's 17.. I think about all the thing's CANDI'S was robbed of & JOSH  was robbed of his mom.. my mind doesn't slow down..


Hi Marth....I can surely relate to what you shared. Jeff's angel date was January and it was 12 years since he died and I thought it was 13. There are even times I feel it has been longer and then times, shorter. I don't think that's going to change. And, I like you feel that his daughter has been robbed. Robbed of the love and guidance of a beautiful man and a wonderful father. Just as Candi's children have been robbed of the love from their beautiful and wonderful mother.

Josh is doing well still, and I know that's due to the love and support he has been receiving from his wonderful family. These teenage years are so hard for them. Looking back on my own and I'm sure you've done the same at times....it helps me to understand, to have more patience and to continue to love, unconditionally.

Know that I am holding you close to my heart with Candi's angel date fast approaching. These dates still sting, still hurt so bad.

Thanks for sharing, Marth....you're always in my heart. :love9:

Big hugs to you and for Josh, too!

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2015, 04:20:06 PM »
Heading home to LI later on this week. Craig wants to be at Adam's grave on his bday and shortly after that Kate comes home. I am filled with anxiety and a sense of dread. It's been a total escape being in Florida, away from everything. Now back to the familiar and the daily reminders.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2015, 04:46:24 PM »

Craig wants to be at Adam's grave on his bday and shortly after that Kate comes home. I am filled with anxiety and a sense of dread.


Paula,

Thinking of you knowing how anxious you've been with Kate returning home. I'm glad you enjoyed your escape. I can relate...Home is where the heart is but also everything else, too.

Always here for you. :love9:

Love,
Terry

MissSteph4ever

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2015, 10:53:09 AM »
Hi Terry,                                                                                                                                            Thank you for asking, its not a question people ask much anymore. April 15th was the 2nd year angelversary for my beautiful Stephanie, my own mother never even called to see how i was doing that day. I think most people think i should be over it by now, that i am dwelling on it, only other mothers that have lost a child really understand me anymore, my husband tries to understand but men greive differently. I am trying to drink less, but still working on that, most nights i only have one or two to take the edge off, i do not take any medications and have not had any kind of grief counseling. I really don't feel like i need counseling at this time, i just need to find my own way down this road of living without my daughter, nothing anyone can say will bring her back or lessen the pain i feel in my heart or loosen this knot that i have felt in my stomach since the police came to my door that early morning two years ago. I have good days but then i have bad days and this whole month has been hard, my birthday on the 7th which was hard because i just missed Stephanie and her artful cards she would make for me because a store bought card just wasn't special enough for her mom, for me. I think most of what Paula wrote is pretty much the same for me, i try to be happy, count my blessings, but there is a sadness deep within my soul and i don't expect that will ever change. My son Josh and his girlfriend are doing well and my grandson Blake is growing so fast and is now potty trained, he is two and a half now, i hate that he will never remember his aunt Steph though, he was seven months old when she died. My husband is doing the best he can, i know its hard on him, Steph was his only biological child and i know he feels alone without her, she had no children, so no biological grandchildren for him and his family is very unsupportive and have always been that way. There is so much family drama with his mom who has dimentia and the people she has choosen to surround herself with, we actually just had to wash our hands of that situation because its hard to help and do the right things when your help is not wanted by the person your trying to help. It is in the courts hands now and i can only hope they see what is going on and appoint my mother in law a court appointed guardian, not my sister in law, somebody with no interest in her SS checks and somebody who will look out for her best interests, period. We are trying to heal and dealing with family drama is too much to deal with right now. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, it's all i can do today. Praying we can all find some moments of peace and happiness on this journey.
My beautiful daughter Stephanie Leigh 9/16/87-4/15/13 [nofollow]

Terry

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2015, 06:14:29 PM »

Hi Melissa, :love9:

So nice to hear from you. I think about you a lot and your precious Steph. I like the new picture of you and Steph. So sweet.

I agree that life goes on for all others as they haven't buried their child and nothing has changed for them. It's hard to watch how others, and little by little (but WE notice because it hurts so much) don't mention our child as much in conversations about the family, or just say their name, ask us to share a memory or story....those things are so important to us because in our hearts we want them to live forever in others hearts, but that's not reality.
I remember with my oldest son at 7 months after he died, one day when me and my husband were out shopping and I was watching people walk by and enjoy their children and laugh and doing all the things I used to when he was alive...I wanted so badly for someone, anyone to just say his name. So, I wrote it on a piece of paper and taped it to my blouse and all over the store you could hear, "Jeff, Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff" Soon after we arrived at the restaurant for dinner and the waitress walked up with four more staff following her, leaned over the table and said, "JEFF" We're so, so sorry. And hugged me. This was at a local restaurant and they knew my son died. But I can remember how very difficult it was when we reach that point when we just don't hear their name any longer and it hurts, so bad. So, I understand, Melissa.

I hope that your mil get's the help she needs. What a terrible disease. It's like drifting away.

It's all any of us can do - put one foot in front of the other. Don't be overly concerned regarding the *grief police* and how long they feel you should be grieving because it's really none of their business, at all. No one has the right to intrude in your space while you journey through grief, missing your girl so much. This is the time when we find out who is real and who is not. Those fake friends are easily discarded. I kept the real ones around which after 3 years wasn't very many. That deep sadness I feel everyday and have since my children died. It will never change. I loved them all deeply.

I'm glad to know that Josh is doing well and your precious grandson, too. They truly are a blessing.

Keeping you, too in my thoughts to find moments of peace and for joy to find your heart. Our lives are so short and I try to find something beautiful in each day....and that's not hard to do! :icon_flower:

Love & hugs,
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: how is everyone?
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2015, 11:11:49 AM »
April 15th was the 2nd year angelversary for my beautiful Stephanie, my own mother never even called to see how i was doing that day. I think most people think i should be over it by now...

That's crazy. Two years is nothing. You're barely getting through the shock...much less "over it" whatever that means.

I'm sure you're right that there are probably people who think that. Those people simply have no idea what they're talking about. I think it's absolutely crazy to think anybody should be "over" something like the loss of a child in two years.

You don't get "over it".

However, I wouldn't be too hard on your mom for not calling. Some people don't have the same thing with dates. My mom used to call me on the angel date of my brother then on the dates of my brother and my dad after his death. I hated it.

She was just calling to see if I was ok. Those dates bothered her. They bothered my sister. They're meaningless to me. Actually, I was fine until she called and reminded me. I don't even notice that date. Until I'm reminded, I couldn't tell you what date either one of them died. It's like any other day of the year to me. I often go right past them without noticing.

Maybe your mom just doesn't remember that date like you do.

(It's actually birthdays that bother me.)

People deal with things differently.

I will say again that those people who think you should be "over it" are stupid. Ignore them. You don't get "over it". Like Terry says, ignore those grief police who want to decide how you should grieve.

It takes whatever amount of time it takes. It's your loss. It's your life. Take what time you need.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 11:14:20 AM by Doug1222 »