Author Topic: Feeling stuck with my siblings  (Read 3155 times)


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Feeling stuck with my siblings
« on: March 23, 2015, 11:02:37 AM »
I'm in my mid twenties and feeling so very stuck.

Mom and dad both died in 2013. I was 23 years old. Mom died in February, followed by my beloved childhood dog in August, then Dad died in October. All three deaths were unexpected and the word "easy" doesn't fit remotely near any of their descriptions.
After their passing, I was left with the responsibility of...everything. I'm the youngest of 3 siblings [by seven years at that]. My oldest sister has a lot of issues, can't hold a job due to her drug addictions, and is just unstable and exhausting. I'm basically taking care of her because I am taking care of our childhood home that was left after mom and dad died. She either stays there or is left on the streets. There was no will. Our brother has mosaic down syndrome and will need a caretaker for the rest of his life. He is very independent and highly functioning luckily. He has a job, and makes a little money. But he can't do much more than, say, a 14 year old would be able to do on their own.

I have a decent job, working in the career that I went to school for. I have a boyfriend and we're trying to move our lives forward with getting married. We both have this desire to settle down together, have our own place, and have children... of course. That's what any couple in their mid 20s would want.

But I am so conflicted with everything that's happened. The financial burden of the deaths, the responsibilities of our home and other property that was left to us after mom and dad died. Having 2 mortgages without ever being a homeowner is tough... I do all of the cleaning, pay all of the bills, do all of the shopping, all of the cooking... all of the everything...All while holding down a full time [very demanding] job. I did finally graduate last November... even that wasn't as exciting as it would have been because I was home alone when the degree and certifications came in the mail.
I feel so stuck. When my boyfriend and I start to talk about our future, we always get stuck on what we're going to do after we get married....

This is such a mess and I feel so very selfish for wanting what all of my friends and other family have. They have their new spouse, settle in to their new homes with their new life, and bring children in to their world on their own terms... but here I am stuck with this home. This responsibility of taking care of my siblings...

I don't want to be in this house. I want my own home....without having to care for everyone else... I just want my own life... not the baggage of what was left behind after my parents passed away... but I feel so selfish. That "baggage" is my family... It's such a conflicting battle in my mind. It's causing so much grief and so much more stress on top of everything else.

I don't want to take care of everyone and everything else. I just want the responsibility of my OWN life.. but there isn't any room. I need help. I don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy.


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Re: Feeling stuck with my siblings
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 06:29:40 PM »
I´m very sorry for every loss you must have gone through by now!

Hugs from Janka
​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.



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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Feeling stuck with my siblings
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2015, 06:56:18 PM »

Hi singsingagain. Welcome to Webhealing.

I'm sorry to learn that your Mom, Dad and beloved pet has died. All great losses. Most of us do experience unexpected deaths and it's very difficult. Even when someone is ill, there's no way to prepare for someone we love no longer being in our lives. I have been where you are (more than once) and have been a caregiver for family members over the years, the most recent my precious Dad who died a couple of years ago. I understand.

I'm sure you've already considered discussing your options with either a trusted family member or an adviser. There certainly is much to consider.

Our lives take a turn when there's a family crisis and our plans for our lives change. Family is important. Today, and in general the family unit isn't as strong as it used to be. Values have changed and it seems to be such a *me* world today. Keeping a family together is hard work and challenging but the rewards are worth the struggle.

You seem to care very much for your brother and sister. They're fortunate to have you in their lives. I imagine they are also devastated by the deaths of your parents. How is everyone coping? And, do you have any outside help? Pastor, friends, etc.?

Post more about your family when you get a chance.